Any Wicked Thing (40 page)

S
ebastian arranged for tea to be served in the solar, and Freddie to be fetched from her room where she'd locked herself away all day. He was feeling almost human, and had been sucking on Mrs. Holloway's horehound drops for hours. His voice was still not strong, but he would use it, even if his words did no good. He could not leave things as they were between them when he left, not after last night. He would shake young Kenny's hand, too, for the poor man had made a difference quite by accident.

This time Sebastian was sitting in the shaft of sunlight when Frederica entered the room. He hoped the sight of him dazzled her as she had dazzled him all those days ago. He tried a wobbly smile.

“Hallo, Freddie.”

She was all wrapped up like a gray parcel, edges stiff and neat. No matter how she disguised herself, Sebastian knew what was inside.

“I thought you would have left by now.”

“Yes. Well. I haven't yet.” He took a breath. “Cam told me I must tell you of our captivity in Egypt.”

Frederica shook her head. “There's no need. You are leaving, and it's none of my business anyway.”

“I don't want to leave,” he blurted.

“Pardon me?”

“Well, I take that back. Yes, I do want to leave. Very much. I'd like to never set foot in Goddard Castle again. But I don't want to go quite yet.”

“I don't understand.”

Sebastian twisted his father's ring on his finger, the sapphire winking dully. “I don't suppose you do. But after last night—” He patted the sofa. “The time in the hidden passage was remarkably instructive. Young Kenny actually did me a favor, if you can believe it. Come, Freddie, sit down. This conversation need not take long. You can cry rutabaga at any time.”

She didn't glide across the room at his invitation, just looked reluctant to come anywhere near him. He supposed he deserved her hesitation.

“But Mr. Ryder is waiting on you to leave.”

“Cam's been gone this past hour. He and his carriage are bouncing through the moors. I believe he feels he overstayed his welcome.”

“Why didn't you go with him?”

“I've just said. I need to talk to you. Explain.”

She sat down, looking as if she landed on tacks. “Explanations are unnecessary. We mean nothing to each other, after all. This was just a business arrangement on my part. I whored myself, as you so succinctly put it. On yours, you sought to punish me for my idiocy all those years ago. Well, I'm suitably chastened. I will never give myself to another man again unless I lose my wits completely.”

He reached for her hand. “Hush, Freddie. You're making my head ache.”

“You
are
a headache.”

“I daresay I've done nothing else these past few days but convince you of that. But perhaps I'm a changed man.”

Freddie curled a scornful lip.

“Hear me out. I'm not perfect. Far from it. You don't know how much, but I'd like to tell you.”

“If this confession will make you leave all the sooner, I'm all ears, Your Grace.”

She was as brittle as bone china. Sebastian had faced many difficult challenges in his short life, but the next few minutes were bound to be its worst. But Cam had seemed to think it was necessary, and he trusted Cam with his life. He took another deep breath.

“You know a little about Egypt, but not the whole of it.”

“I know you tried to loot their national treasures,” she said primly.

“Not true. Not with Cam, anyway. Ours was a legitimate endeavor. We went hat in hand to a relative of the viceroy, begging for permission to begin a dig in an area which had somehow escaped all the other treasure hunters' attention. Cam has a sixth sense about such things—he knows where the holy grails are in one's attic, so to speak. He was certain we would find enough booty for our share and the government's. Akhom Ali had other ideas. After a night of exceptional food and wine and dancing girls, we found ourselves stripped naked in the man's cellar. He didn't like Englishmen, you see. Thought we were all depraved debauchers of young Egyptian girls.”

“And were you?”

“Not on the scale of some of my other compatriots. Henry Kipp, to be specific. We were handy substitutes for Ali's revenge. He was a brilliant bastard. Are you familiar with the writings of the Marquis de Sade?”

Freddie shook her head.

“No matter. Ali wasn't, either, I don't imagine, but he surpassed the marquis in his plans for us anyway. He wanted our total capitulation, and he got it, by various means.”

“I—I've seen your back. And Mr. Ryder's.”

“That was the least of it. When you last saw me ten years ago, I'd developed a bit of a bad habit. I smoked opium on occasion. But after that night you came to me in my fog, I swore off the stuff. Wanted my wits about me in case I fell prey to the next mysterious milkmaid. I missed it, but made do. There were plenty of other diversions for a young man earning his way across the Continent and northern Africa. But Ali discovered my weakness, and provided me with just enough to get me in its thrall again.”

Freddie shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “That's dreadful.”

Sebastian smiled at her understatement. “Yes, rather. But useful for his machinations. He wanted to bring me low, Freddie. A heathen duke's son. Teach me my true place in his world. I did what I was told, or I was beaten. Even worse—when I displeased him, Ali withheld my daily dose of opium. I became an addict in his prison, Freddie, not the dabbler I was as a boy. I was enslaved to it. Ali used it to control me and what I would do with Cam. After a while, I did anything he asked. I had to.”

“Oh, Sebastian.”

Did she know what he meant? If she didn't, he must make it plain. “He thought it great sport to watch us. Sometimes he'd bring us up for the entertainment of his friends. Other times we performed solely for his pleasure. And our own, I'm sorry to say.” He dropped her hand before she could withdraw it. “I did everything with Cam my father ever did with yours and more. Even when Ali wasn't watching, Freddie. It was all we had in that filthy black hole. I began to live for it.”

The room was quiet as death. Sebastian felt his optimism draining from him with each word. Cam was wrong—this revelation of his past was not healing at all. He'd done nothing but repulse Freddie. Drive her away, forever beyond his reach.

Which was only as it should be. He had nothing to give her or any woman. “So, now you know everything. And I will leave you in peace.”

He got as far as the solar door. Her voice was so low, he almost missed it.

“You—you and Cam. You gave each other comfort.”

Sebastian leaned up against the stone wall, trembling hands in his pockets. “We never thought we'd get out alive, Freddie, so what did it matter what we did to survive the time we had? But we did get out. And then—”

“You lost yourself. I understand.”

She couldn't. The space between them was wider than the length of the room. He didn't dare come closer. “No, you don't. I hardly understand myself. You weren't far wrong when you first accused me of needing my sexual partners to be helpless. In the beginning, I discovered I could not get excited until I restrained a woman as I was once restrained. Tied. Bound in darkness. Oh, I was never cruel, but I needed to be in control then. I need to be in control now. At all times. I wasn't for eight months, you see.”

She nodded, so he felt emboldened to continue. “When we escaped, Cam sat with me night after night when the visions were so bad I wished I were still in gaol to get my pipe. Cam brought women to me—to us both—so we could prove to ourselves that what happened between us didn't matter. We may have left our honor behind, but by God, we were still
men
. I found out I was not quite my old self. My usual sins—and there had been plenty of them—had no allure for me. So the games began.”

“But you gave me power over you.”

He gave her a half smile. “Admit it, Freddie, I nearly always got my way, even on your days. I'm clever that way. And you never tested me sexually.”

Freddie paled. “Did you want me to whip you?”

“Lord, no! At least, I don't think so. I'm so mixed up, but there is one thing I do know.” He shut his eyes to the pity in hers. “Last night in the dark, when all the old memories surfaced, I didn't want Cam's comfort. I wanted yours.”

He stopped. It should be said—words he'd never uttered to any woman before—but somehow his tongue thickened. He came as close as he could. “I don't deserve you. I don't think I'll ever be natural again.”

He heard the rustle of her skirts as she moved toward him, felt her touch his lip with a finger. He was afraid to lift his lids, afraid to hope, but found the strength to meet her cloudy blue eyes with his. If this was his last sight of her, he would drink in every second, preserve the tiny, curling golden hairs on her temple, the spangle of freckles on her cheeks, the rose blush of her mouth in his memory forever. She looked up at him, solemn.

“Someone once said to me, ‘Who's to say what is natural? Man is imperfect.' ”

“How can you remember that?”

“I remember everything, and somehow still manage to—like you. An old affliction, I suppose. There is nothing we did with each other that disgusted me in any way, Sebastian.” She smiled. “Ah! I see I've shocked you. It shocks me, too, but I can say it with complete confidence that just as you said you would, you have corrupted me and taught me to enjoy it. Except—as I once told you, I could never have shared my bed with you. Not with other women.” She blushed. “Not with Cam. I would have had to be enough.”

She was more than enough. She was everything.

He allowed himself to slip his fingers into the silk of her hair. Just to touch her brought him a measure of peace. “I don't want Cam anymore. I had wondered, you know. Wondered if I could fall back into the old habit. It was always in the back of my mind. He's a handsome devil,” he joked, feeling very near tears. “Of course, we only spent one night in confinement. Who knows what might have happened if you hadn't found us? If I got desperate? Turned to him in our last hours—”

She shoved him. “Sebastian, don't borrow trouble! What does it matter who or how you loved before? None of us knows what we're capable of unless we're pressed to our limits. I understand that the bond you forged with Cameron Ryder in Egypt is unbreakable. I respect that, and don't think any less of you. You were brought to your wit's end by a madman. But you are free now. Truly free. A duke. And when you release my funds to me, you'll have money to stave off your creditors and build a life at Roxbury Park for yourself.”

He'd almost forgotten—she didn't know. She didn't know he was, for all intents and purposes, rich. She didn't know he loved her. “Our deal is off,” he said softly.

She took a step backward. “What?”

“If you want Goddard Castle, it is my gift to you. And I'll release your inheritance as well. No strings attached.”

“But—you can't! What will become of you?”

“Don't worry about me. I'll sign whatever needs to be signed.”

She looked confused, but happy enough. He was doing the right thing, was he not? Apart from leaving her here in Yorkshire to trip over falling debris. But he couldn't let her think he was being self-sacrificing, not with a fortune of precious stones in his pocket.

“I've told you what didn't happen last night, but haven't told you what did. We found Archibald's treasure in the secret passage, Freddie, all handily converted to diamonds and rubies and emeralds and whatnot. So, Cam and I are set, or we will be when we visit a reputable jeweler. I'm thinking I might have better luck disposing of them on the Continent—I wouldn't want to attract the king's attention to my sudden prosperity.”

She blinked, just once. Sebastian wasn't expecting congratulations, but her lack of surprise surprised him. “So you don't need my money.”

No, he needed only her, but for once he would do what was right.

“Not at all. Not one penny. And you're to keep the royalties from the books. It is iniquitous that they'd be paid to my father's estate when you are their primary author. I'll see to it.”

She straightened her shoulders. “Very well, then. Have a safe trip, Sebastian, wherever you're going.” She extended her left hand, as she was wont to do after one of their fencing bouts. He wondered if she wished she had a sword in her right hand to dispatch him.