Anything Less Than Everything (2 page)

"Don't
you think Leighann and Brad would be perfect together?"

"Um,
maybe?" Leighann was a friend of hers from college that had become of
friend of mine by default. She was nice and single, which were really the only
two characteristics Jill was using for her matchmaking, I was pretty sure. “But
you know, they don't exactly live in the same state," I added. “Some
people would see that as a problem."

"Good
grief, Brooke. I'm not suggesting they get married, just hang out." I
hoped Brad and Leighann were willing to go along with this because it was
non-negotiable at this point. Once Jill was set on a match, she saw it through
to the end, or at least the first date.

"It's
fine," Brad interjected. "It's just a day on the lake, right. It'll
be fun, even if nothing comes of it. You up for the lake tomorrow, Aaron?"

"Lake?"
Aaron sounded confused, like he wasn't sure how he factored into this.
"No, man. I wouldn't want to be in the way."

"Oh, you
wouldn't be in the way," Jill purred. Dave and I will be there and so will
Brooke. There's plenty of room, literally and figuratively." I shook my
head at my sister's attempt to be profound.

Aaron looked
at me, a smile playing on his lips. "You're going?"

"Apparently,"
I said, glaring at my sister as I did.

"Well I
guess I'll see you tomorrow then," he said, his smile growing. "On
the lake."

T
he lake was already crowded when we
arrived at eight the next morning. The sound of motors and yelling filled the
air, much too loud for the early hour. Jill's boyfriend, Dave, walked over to
the car to help us unload the cooler while Leighann checked her hair for the
twelfth time. She’d agreed to Jill’s little plan without hesitation and was
completely okay with a Memorial Day romance.

I saw Jill
waving to Brad, abandoning Dave and dragging Leighann away from the side view
mirror. Great. He was alone, and I was the odd woman out, as usual. It's not
that I had thought of me and Aaron as being a pair for today, but it would have
been nice to have someone to talk to. Maybe then I wouldn't have felt so alone,
so single.

"Nice
day, huh?" I jumped a little, feeling my face redden as I realized it was
Aaron speaking. I did my best to compose my face before turning to face him.

"I
thought maybe you'd changed your mind," I said, trying to sound
uninterested, but my face undoubtedly gave me away.

"Not a
chance," he replied, his mouth pulling up into a half smile.
"Besides, what's the alternative? Stay at the hotel all day? Not my idea
of a good time."

"I don't
know," I said, "it might be better than watching one couple making
out all morning and another awkwardly try to get to know one another."

"Ah, but
that's another reason I couldn't stay away: there's no way I was letting you
have all that fun by yourself." Then he winked at me before walking off to
help the other guys load the boat. This was probably how he was with everyone,
I told myself--friendly, easy-going, even flirtatious. Regardless, though, I
was happy to have him along, to have someone to hang out with.

We'd been on
the water for a couple of hours. The guys were fishing; Jill and Leighann were
gossiping, a Cosmo splayed out in front of them; I was reading. I hadn’t
noticed the red and silver boat that sped past us--it was Memorial Day weekend,
after all, and there were dozens of boats speeding all around us--but as it
slowed down and circled back to us I suddenly had the feeling that someone was
staring at me. Someone was. Spencer. I had not spoken to him since
that
night
and had almost reached the point where I no longer thought of him
every day. But here we were, on the wide open lake with nowhere to hide,
nowhere to run. 

"Hey,"
he said. 

In my mind I
was thinking,
Hey? After all that you've put me through, all you have to say
to me is 'hey'?
What I actually replied was, "Hey.” It was lame. I
knew it was, but I was so caught off guard that I didn't have time to compose a
better sentence. We each stood there for a few seconds, not knowing what to
say, how to act. A girl in a bikini about the size of a Barbie outfit walked
up, tossing her hair as she wrapped her arms around Spencer. He looked at her,
obviously not knowing quite what to say.

"Um,
Brittney, this is Brooke. A friend from college. Brooke, this is
Brittney."

You mean
your
girlfriend
from
college, the one you led to believe you loved and cared for
, I added in my
head.

"His
fiancée
,"
she added.

His fiancée.
We'd been broken up for all of two months, and not only had he moved on, but he
had already asked her to marry him? In four years with me the idea had
obviously never entered his mind. I had no idea how to respond to this, no idea
what to say. I fought the lump that formed in the back of my throat. Why did
that always happen? I hated that I was so emotional. Crying here would be
admitting how much I was still hurting. I didn't want him to know, to give him
an opportunity to hurt me further. Eventually I found words.

"Engaged.
Wow. I had no idea. Um, when did this happen?" I hoped my conversation
sounded natural, interested.

"On
March 27th," she gushed. Spencer stiffened. "I had been waiting for
him to ask forever, and when he finally did, well, it was magic!" 

I knew that,
like most brides to be, she wanted to launch into a novel about the proposal
and wedding preparations, but Spencer nudged her and she stopped. This girl
obviously didn't know who I was, and that on March 26th, I had been sitting in
my favorite restaurant expecting the ring she had received the very next day.
Many things suddenly made sense. I wanted to be mad at her, but she was unaware
of his indiscretion. I wanted to scream, but that, too, seemed unproductive.
Instead, I thought for a moment, composed myself, and turning to her with a
smile said, "Well, I hope he is as good to you as he was to me." Her
face erupted into an even bigger smile, clearly oblivious to my double meaning,
but it was not lost on him. He cast his eyes downward, embarrassed at being
caught, no doubt.

With that I
turned my back on them and walked back to the shade of the canopy and my book.
I heard Spencer's boat motor off, making the silence of those around me
deafening. The book was open in front of me, a prop, as I focused all of my
energy on not crying. I didn't know how to feel. Angry? Sure, but it was more
than that. Stupid was more the word. How could I not have known? How could I
not have seen? How could I have wasted four years of my life with someone who
would play me like that? A list of negative adjectives flowed through my mind,
each one more self-damning than the first.

"Hey,"
Aaron said softly as he came up behind me. "Can I join you?"

I did not
look up at his words, not trusting my composure, only nodded my assent. He
obviously knew--Jill and Dave must have filled him in as they watched the scene
unfold. Aaron lowered himself to the bench beside me, but did not speak. And
just like the night before, I felt a sense of comfort simply from his presence.
I couldn't decide if he was waiting for me to speak, so I decided to offer an
explanation. "That was my ex," I said. "And his new fiancée." 

"Ouch."

"Yeah, I
was not aware he had moved on so quickly...as in, before he broke up with me.
On my birthday."

"Sounds
like a great guy." 

I winced. The
truth hurts.

"Sorry.
I shouldn't have said that. I don't even know him," he said.

"No,
you're right. I'm just not sure what hurts worse right now, that he cheated on
me, or that I was too stupid to realize it." I angrily brushed away the
single tear that had escaped, and Aaron caught my hand, forcing me to look up
at him.

"Brooke.
I have known you less than twenty-four hours, but that's enough for me to know
that you are not stupid."

I waited for
more, but nothing else came. He did this a lot, I noticed. Stopped a line of
conversation just as it seemed to get going. But it didn't feel off-putting, or
final, just...unrushed. He released my hand and smiled at me, that half smile I
was already beginning to associate with him. My anger and confusion and hurt
were instantly replaced with comfort tinged with embarrassment. I mean, what
did that say about me that my boyfriend had cheated? And worse, everyone in the
world now knew my business, and by everyone in the world I meant Aaron
Davidson. I decided to attempt more words. "It just hurts, you know? I
mean, everyone goes through breakups, but just when I think I've gotten over
it, something happens to bring it all back front and center in my mind."

"Like
you grandmother."

"And her
friends. And my parents. And former students who haven't heard. And fiancées,”
I said motioning towards the water where Spencer’s boat had been. “And I
shouldn't even care. I mean, why would I want to be with someone who cheats on
me and obviously doesn't want me in his life and--"

"But you
do care," he interrupted. "Because for all the careless and awful
things he did to you, he was still a big part of your life for a very long
time, right? That's why it hurts."

I could only
nod in reply. He was right. Of course he was right. But knowing this did not
make the truth easier to swallow.

"But
why?" I was no longer trying to stop the tears as they rolled down my
cheeks. "I've gotten past trying to figure out why he didn't want to be
with me, what was wrong with me, but why not just breakup with me when he
decided he wanted something different?"

He shrugged.
"Because guys are jerks."

"That's
comforting."

"I don't
have a better explanation for why someone would treat another human being that
way, especially one who is so caring. People just don't think. Or don't care.
Either way, it has nothing to do with you."

"But I
get stuck with the complex to overcome."

He smiled an
apology for his gender. "You will. It might not be easy, but eventually
this will be just a bad memory in an otherwise wonderful life."

"How did
you get to be such a relationship expert?" I searched his face for an
answer, intrigued by his calm wisdom.

He sighed.
"Guys aren't the only ones who can be jerks in relationships." He
didn’t elaborate, and I didn’t feel right asking.

At that
moment a voice broke into our conversation: "Aaron, dude, help me with
this fish!"

Aaron looked
over at Brad, then back at me, "You okay?"

"No, but
I will be. Go."

He squeezed
my hand before getting up and walking to the other end of the boat. I watched
him ably reel the fish in; Brad and Dave caught it in a net. Leighann and Jill
applauded, and I found myself joining in and actually smiling.

The day had
been a roller coaster of emotions for me, and I was relieved when my sister
announced she was ready to head back to the marina. The guys carried the
coolers and loaded the cars while we girls stood around and watched them. I
hated that my last conversation with Aaron had been so dramatic, so much of a
downer. I could picture him in the locker room in the fall, telling his buddies
about this mess of a girl he had to endure over Memorial Day weekend. No, he
wouldn't. In a few hours he'd be gone and never think about me again. But isn't
that what I'd expected all along? Wanted even? Why did it suddenly matter? I
decided it was because I had finally found someone who just listened without
feeling obligated to try to fix things. Who seemed to understand me even if I
didn’t understand myself. And now, no sooner had I found it, I was losing it again.

I wandered
over toward the cars, where Brad, Aaron and my sister were standing. Brad and
Jill looked as if they were up to something.

"Hey,
man, I gotta ask a huge favor," said Brad.

"No, I
don't mind if you leave me on my own to go out with Leighann tonight,"
Aaron replied. His smile and the look on Jill's face told me he had just messed
up a well-rehearsed plan.

Brad
recovered. "Are you sure, man? I mean, I really want to go out with her,
but I feel bad leaving you at the hotel."

"You
could come over for Movie Night." I spoke the words before I realized it.
The three of them turned to look at me, and suddenly I was, for the second time
in just a few hours, the center of attention. "If you want to, I
mean" I stammered.

"What's
Movie Night?" asked Brad.

"Oh,
once a month we order pizza and rent DVDs for whoever wants to come over,"
Jill gushed. "But it won't be as good this time. With the holiday weekend,
I think it will be just Dave and me and Brooke." What was this? National
Make Brooke Hate Herself Day?

Aaron turned
from her and looked directly at me. "You sure I won't be intruding?"

I rolled my
eyes, "Oh, please."

He smiled his
half smile, "Then I'm there."

Arrangements
were made, goodbyes said. And I was both elated and nervous. I was ecstatic to
spend more time with Aaron, who had such a way of making me feel safe, but
terrified because I knew he would find a way to get me to share more of myself,
something I had been trying to avoid for months. I tried to convince myself it
was no big deal. I wouldn't have to spend the evening alone, and any
humiliation would leave with him at the end of the night.

Oh,
please.

I arrived at
his hotel at 6:30 sharp. I'd spent thirty minutes trying to find an outfit that
I hoped would give the impression that I wasn't trying. I finally settled on a
turquoise tank top and khaki shorts. Nothing dressy, but put together enough to
not look like a slob. Was that the fashion statement I was trying to make now?
I generally dressed up to go to the grocery store, always wearing makeup,
always fixing my hair. That's what Spencer had wanted. He never complimented my
efforts, but made the tiniest jabs when my appearance was off. “How come you
never wear my favorite dress anymore?” or things like that. Nothing overtly
cruel, but enough that I always made an effort to avoid it. Since the breakup,
I had continued to take pains to look perfect, hoping that if the outside was
okay the inside would eventually catch up. 

Only now, as
I looked at myself actually trying to be a little less perfect, did I realize
that this was me. The me before Spencer. The me who took care of herself but
didn't make it a priority. Who was put together without looking like it took
hours to get there. How in the world had I let some guy change me in such a
shallow way? Change me to the point that I had to
try
to look natural?
For the umpteenth time that day I wondered what I had ever seen in him, why I
had wasted so much of my life on him. And even though Aaron was just an
acquaintance, I couldn't help but notice the difference. With him, I
automatically went back to wanting to look like me, to show him my real self. I
didn't feel I had to impress him with designer clothes or perfectly applied eye
shadow. How ironic that he was the big star, the probable celebrity, and yet he
cared less about appearances than my nobody ex-boyfriend.