arbitrate (daynight) (17 page)

Ethan keeps his gaze focused on his son. “But you…you don’t need me. You threw aside our Cleaving like it meant nothing.”

I cinch my eyes to try to keep the tears from spilling, but they escape anyway. My voice comes out as a whisper. “It didn’t mean nothing, Ethan.” I take in a deep breath and try to explain. “A couple day Cleaving couldn’t compete with my demons and a year apart. I had been in survival mode for so long that I never let myself grieve or deal with everything that happened—Tristan, Briella, and my friends’ deaths back on Earth. My parents—oh Gads—I can’t even talk about them. Everything that happened with Blake, and you…I couldn’t handle it, Ethan. I wasn’t strong enough. I went crazy.”

Ethan slowly wipes away my tears with the pad of his thumb. “And I wasn’t there. But Jax was.”

My eyes pop open. “It wasn’t like that. Even though our Cleaving was arranged by the Ten, I would
never
have cheated on you, Ethan.”

He sucks in a breath and looks like he is in physical pain. “Well, I guess you have the green light to be with Jax now that our Cleaving is dissolved.”

I don’t answer him directly and keep my wording ambiguous. “Jax thinks I need to figure things out with you.”

Ethan can’t contain the sarcasm from his voice. “How magnanimous of him. What if
I
don’t want
you
anymore? Maybe I have someone
better
waiting for me back on Earth.”

My breath catches and I swallow more tears. Of course, he doesn’t want me anymore—not that I was implying that we should get back together. But even if I did want that—he has found someone else. “I understand. Maybe we can be friends? Work on just being Zander’s parents together?”

As he looks at me, I get lost in the sapphire color of his eyes. Even though Vienna had given me pictures of Ethan, none of them did his eyes justice. I’m not sure how long we stare at each other in silence, but as his gaze drops to my mouth he mutters, “When there’s a history between people, it makes for some serious complications—even in something seemingly as simple as friendship. There is no real starting over. There’s only trying to minimize the importance of things in the past. And some events are just too life altering to trivialize. Honestly? I’m not sure I can do the friend thing with you, Kira. I
loved
you. But for Zander’s sake, I’ll try.”
Loved. Past tense.
He’s right though…our history can’t be ignored. But maybe we can adapt. No, we
have
to adapt. For Zander.

“Thank you. All I can ask is for you to try.” I lean over and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll give you and Zander some time together. I should go check on…” I stop myself before I say, “the babies.” Instead I add, “… Aiden. He’s having a hard time…adjusting.”

Ethan grabs my hand as I get up. “Come back and bring Aiden with you. I’d like to meet him. Let’s all have dinner together?”

I nod before walking away more confused than ever.

Ten months prior: Education City, Thera

The spiders crawled over
the top and snakes slithered by my glass coffin. I desperately wanted to shut my eyes, but they’d been taped open. My heart pounded like a drum, and my breathing bordered on hyperventilating despite my efforts to calm down. “You must learn to face your fears directly. You fear death. The only way to overcome your fear is to face death and live.” My evil SCI therapist used an alarmingly calm voice as she had three large men strap me to a clear board. They propped my eyes open, slid me into the small glass enclosure, and then lowered me into a pit.
 

I knew it had been unwise to be so honest during group therapy. Each and every time I had “shared” during private or group sessions, I’d been given the “opportunity” to “participate” in new, experimental therapy procedures that would make a lobotomy or electroshock therapy seem kind. Despite knowing I’d be tortured, I couldn’t help throwing the truth in their faces.
 

“My boyfriend and friends were killed by the SCI.” This earned me a day in a dark, hot hole with no food or water.

“The SCI shot people in front of me—in my own home.” I spent twenty-four hours in a room filled with flickering images of death in thousands of forms, followed by each person’s “renewal” on Thera.

“The SCI strapped me down and implanted embryos in me without my consent.” I was forced to write, “The Second Chance Institute: Because Everyone Deserves a Second Chance at Life” in a room with chalkboard walls over and over until my fingers bled.

They can’t get to me. They can’t get to me. They can’t get to me.
I repeated the words to myself as the snakes and spiders covered every inch of glass.
I won’t suffocate in here. I can’t suffocate in here. Maybe I should suffocate in here.
It’s not worth living like this.
My mind went to its darkest corners and my sanity slipped more the longer I spent in the enclosed space.

A loud whirring sound caught my attention, and I watched as the snakes and spiders were sucked away. The sound was quickly replaced by that of a rushing waterfall. I gasped in horror as the cavity filled with water…and sharks.
The water will crush this coffin and I will drown.

My thoughts drifted to psychotic territory. I imagined those shark teeth ripping through the flesh of my therapist, tearing her to pieces. A low rumbling laugh escaped as I envisioned the shark’s next victim—Vienna Darcton.
They all deserve to die.

It took a long time for it to register that I was actually watching the sharks tear through real flesh. The water bloodied, but I could still make out features—eyes, hair, fingers, legs. There were at least two, if not three, people torn to shreds right before my eyes.

Kill me next. Please let it all end.
I begged and pleaded for the torment to stop. I apologized to everyone I’d ever wronged and waited for death to overtake me. It wasn’t until I remembered the lives growing inside me that I found the will to live.
Jax, please save me.

Everything went black.

I awoke to a soothing touch…fingers being run through my long hair. “It’ll be okay, love. I’m here, and I won’t let them hurt you again. I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.” Jax whispered sweet promises until I felt safe enough to open my eyes.

“Where are we? Am I still in Education City?” Vienna had taken me there after my therapist in Fashion City had diagnosed me as having a “major depressive episode and psychotic break.” Education City was located on the East continent—the Earthly equivalent would be off the coast of Boston. It had been a quick boat ride up the coast, as Fashion City and Commerce City were twin cities whose Earthly equivalent would be off the coast of New York City.

“We’re back in Garden City to see my dad…you are due for a checkup and ultrasound. Are you ready to see your babies?”

Even though I wasn’t sure that I was ready to see them, I nodded. I was out of Education City. Jax had saved me from my tormenters. If only he could save me from myself.

Dr. Christo came in and rolled up my shirt. He poured some warm gel on my abdomen and then pressed a probe against my belly until a picture showed up on an adjacent screen. He fussed around for a while seeming to take various measurements and pictures.

“There.” He pointed to peanut-sized blobs on the screen. “Each of these are your babies. The flashing lights are the heartbeats. They look perfectly healthy.”
 

Both Jax and I stared at the monitor. Finally, I had the wherewithal to speak. “There are three. Why are there three?”

Jax looked at the screen and then at his father. “Dad, what did you do?”

I shook my head, not being able to believe what I was seeing. “The technician that implanted the embryos told me they were implanting one from Ethan and one from Blake.”

Dr. Christo gave us each a tight-lipped smile. “He didn’t realize it, but he implanted three.”

“And who is the father of the third?” It came out as harsh and loud as I intended it to.

Dr. Christo didn’t even flinch as he said, “It has all been an experiment of sorts. To see what a pure Light can produce with a pure Dark, half-Arbiter, and full Arbiter. I expect the results to be nothing less than spectacular because hybrids are rare and exceptional.
If
the babies survive, that is. There are no guarantees. I’ve never had the opportunity to work with a pure Light before. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime for me. Even the SCI doesn’t understand how unique and rare pure Lights are.”

“An experiment? You produced these lives—these children—as an EXPERIMENT?
Babies who may die?
” I clutched my stomach protectively.

Jax let go of my hand and started backing up. He repeated my question. “Who’s the father of the third baby?”

“Who else?” He tipped his head at Jax. And then I saw something I never thought I’d see. Jax fell to the floor and cried.

Present

“This is really good,
Ethan. Thank you.” Ethan has “whipped up” steaks, pasta, and side salads. He looks more mouthwatering than the food in a worn light blue t-shirt and jeans that hug him in a way I’d like to if I wasn’t still so mad at him. It feels a little formal for two “friends” having dinner together for the first time in over a year. But Aiden and Zander are here, sitting in side-by-side bouncy chairs, swatting their toy bars, and sucking the date-like atmosphere right out of the air. Ethan has been mesmerized watching his son. I’m mesmerized watching Ethan watch his son. And perhaps a little disappointed that he hasn’t even acknowledged Aiden?

He looks up at me briefly, and my heart flutters at the intensity of his gaze. The topaz flecks in his eyes are sparkling, alerting me to the fact he’s up to something. “I propose a free Q&A period. We answer every question honestly. You can go first.”

“That sounds dangerous.”

“Says the girl who has had multiple attempts on her life.”
 

“Fine.” I suppose it’s as good a way as any to clear the air. I’ll start things off easy. “Did you finish law school?”

“Yes. And I passed the bar. Have you kissed Jax?” I guess he wants to veer off “friends” territory right off the bat.

“No. Have you kissed Alexa?” I quip back at him.

The right side of his mouth curls up and his cheeks flush. “Yes. How often has Jax slept in your bed at day?”

I glare at him. “I’m not sure Jax has ever
slept
in my bed. Have you
slept
with Alexa?”

He’s fidgeting by rubbing his fingers across his thumb. “No. How often did you think about me when we were separated?”
 

My face grows warm and I look away. “Often. Why didn’t you try to find me?”

“I did. Often. How could you have let me think that you were dead?”

I squirm in my seat and slowly finish chewing a bite of food. This one is tricky, as I didn’t think I could rely on him at the time. The only one I could rely on was Jax. But I say, “Because my life and your son’s life were in danger. I needed to focus on recovering and caring for Zander—not worrying about more risks from your association with the Ten. It was never meant to be permanent—only temporary. I didn’t do it to
hurt
you but to save
him.
” I point to Zander and then pause for a second to see if Ethan seems satisfied with my response. “Why did you move on so fast?”

He shakes his head. “I didn’t move on. I coped. Poorly. Do you love Jax?”

I’m not sure I like this game. The subtext is swirling with anger, hurt, resentment, and jealousy. “Yes. I love him. He has been there for me like
no one
has ever been there for me before. Am I in love with him? I’m too screwed up to even contemplate such a thing—and I can assure you Jax doesn’t think of me that way. Why do you even care? You made it quite clear that your ‘love’ for me is all in the past.”

Ethan’s eyes grow wide and get a little glassy. “I lied. It isn’t so much in the past as…to be honest, I’m not sure sometimes whether I love you or hate you. I think, maybe, both. Do you still love me?”

The oxygen seems to have departed the room.
He still loves me?
I look at the babies who have dozed off. Zander’s holding Ethan’s left hand pinky finger and Aiden’s holding mine. “I’m not sure that I really even
know
you. We missed out on the whole courting phase of the relationship—which, given everything that has happened lately, could have been quite illuminating.” We both need a change of topic. This is making me angry. It feels less like “clearing the air” and more like “venting.”
This can’t be healthy.
“How do you feel about being a father?”

“Like it will never be right the way things are now…like a critical piece of my family is missing. Why did you have our Cleaving dissolved?”

“Because…you walked back into my life after a year and acted like I was a possession. You didn’t resemble the kind, soft-spoken, amazing, thoughtful guy I fell for
at all
. Instead, you were like a caveman and in such a jealous rage that you threatened to
kill
Jax. You dragged him in front of the Ten and told them Jax was an Arbiter. What happened to you?”

I might as well have slapped him across the face again. “I lost the only thing I’d ever cared about. The only thing that gave me hope. The only person I’d ever wanted to spend my life with. Can we be fixed?”

“I don’t know. I’m broken. We’re broken. Can we stop this?”

“No, Kira. We’re never going to stop this.” He gestures between us with his free hand. Tears are flowing freely down my face. I think my tear ducts may be broken too. There’s nothing to regulate the constant flow.

I hear footsteps approach, but I’m too busy trying to decipher all the hidden meanings in Ethan’s words to care. “So sorry to interrupt this quaint little family dinner—not that the
whole
family is assembled. But Blake, Joshua, and I have urgent business to discuss with Ethan.”
 

I shut my eyes and wipe my tears before I can look up at Jax.
He’s angry? Even though he has avoided me for the past week.
What gives?
Jax is rigid. His fists are balled at his sides, knuckles white. His eyes are darting between Ethan, Zander, and Aiden. He won’t look at me. Blake seems to be trying hard to suppress a laugh. Another guy is standing next to Blake—one that I recognize from Brad’s coup of the Ten meeting. He’s glaring at Ethan too.
Interesting.