Arizona Cowboy (10 page)

Chapter 17

H
olden and Jake sat at a shaded picnic table watching Vince and Zack play at the public pool. Holden had never been a recreational swimming kind of guy, but the kids had begged them after class, and here they were, sitting poolside sipping ice water. He glanced at Jake’s ring finger. “I still can’t believe you and Megan just up and got married.”

“It shouldn’t have been too big a surprise. I told you we were going to.”

“But you just started dating—” Holden counted from March to June in his head “—three months ago.”

Jake pointed to the boys as they slid down the water slides. “I knew going into the relationship how strongly I felt for Megan, and we didn’t want to play around on account of Vince. He needs a father.”

“Yeah, but you could’ve dated a little longer. I bet your mom had a fit.”

“Nah. We told her we were heading to the courthouse. She’s been so wrapped in Jess’s wedding she didn’t seem to mind.”

Holden leaned forward. “What did Jess say?”

Jake grinned. “I reckon she wasn’t too happy that Megan and I beat her to the altar, so to speak.”

Holden let out a howl. He figured Jake was putting her reaction lightly. Jess threw huge tantrums when things didn’t go her way, and even though she was five years younger, she’d probably had a conniption fit that Jake married first.

Holden smacked the table. “Well, how is married life?”

“Wonderful.”

“All you thought it’d be, huh?”

“Better.”

Holden scrunched his nose. “Even the nagging and complaining?”

Jake clicked his tongue. “Ain’t got there yet, though I suspect there’ll be ups and downs.”

“I’d say you’re right.” Holden wiped his forehead with the edge of a towel, then looked for the boys. He spied Zack’s red hair. They stood in line at the slides again. Remembering that Zack’s mom had said to put lotion on him a couple times, he looked at his smartphone. Next break he’d need to lather the kid up again.

“What happened with Ava?”

Holden frowned at his friend. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you’ve been crazy about her for months, years really. The two of you were talking, doing things together. Now, nothing.”

Holden shrugged. “We were never really dating.”

“So, you didn’t care about her?”

“I didn’t say that.” His chest tightened as anger and sadness and longing mixed together within him. He didn’t know a person could feel so many things at once. And his son. He’d never gotten to see or hold him. Hadn’t even known he existed.

He’d be the same age as Zack. Almost exactly.
He looked at the red-haired boy who challenged him every week. He’d teased that his son would be like Zack. Holden’s heart ached anew at the thought.

Jake’s voice lowered. “I’m sorry, man, if she didn’t want to date.”

“No. That’s not what happened.” He had no idea if she wanted to see him or not. Two weeks had passed since he’d found out about his son. He hadn’t talked to her and didn’t plan on it, either.

“What happened?”

He’d never told anyone about that night. They’d sinned, and he’d asked for forgiveness, but he’d also fallen completely in love with Ava. Wanted her to be his bride. And he would’ve never dreamed of saying anything against the woman he adored so deeply.

He still didn’t want to hurt Ava, but the ache is his chest hurt sometimes to the point he thought he might die. He needed to talk to someone, and he was angry with God. Mad that He’d let Ava keep such a secret. Mad that He’d let Holden’s son die. Noting Jake’s sincere expression, Hol—den’s resolve broke and he told his friend everything. About the night. Her running and him trying to talk to her. About asking her to marry him. About the baby.

Jake didn’t say a word, but Holden saw the sadness in his friend’s face. When he had spilled all his pain onto the wooden table, Jake grabbed his arm. “We’re gonna pray.”

Holden pulled it back. “No, we’re not.” He waved his hand. “First, we’re at a pool. And second...” he hesitated “...I don’t wanna.”

Jake smacked his hand on top of Holden’s. “Well, you’re going to, anyway. All you have to do is sit there. I’ll do the praying.”

Jake bowed his head, and Holden stared at the boys as they played on the water slides. Jake prayed that God would heal Holden’s heart, and that he would forgive Ava and trust God with His sovereign will.

Holden swallowed back the knot in his throat. How could God’s will be for his son to form without part of his brain? How was that sovereign?

Jake continued, “And God, I pray for Ava. How she must have hurt all these years, having not told Holden about their son.”

Holden pursed his lips. How could Jake feel sorry for her?

“How alone she must have felt, keeping this all to herself. The guilt must have been unbearable.”

Holden cleared his throat. He’d felt such guilt over the night, but that was the only pain he’d dealt with. He hadn’t carried the baby, discovered the child would die, given birth to him, buried him. His heart twisted as he thought of Irene’s words when she’d thought Holden already knew the truth.
Forgive her. She’s beat herself up for so long.

Anger slipped in and took control of his thoughts. If she’d told him, he would have helped her. They could have comforted each other. But she’d chosen to run away and keep secrets.

* * *

Looking at her reflection in the restroom mirror at the physical therapy clinic, Ava raked her fingers through her hair, then tried to fluff the top. She took a tube of lip gloss from her purse and applied the light pink color to her lips. She still looked tired.

Closing her eyes, she prayed for the millionth time that Holden would forgive her. With the truth exposed, she’d had time to think about her feelings for him. They were simple. She loved him.

God knew her heart, how she feared love, how guilt led her life. The Lord had spent the last two weeks wooing and loving her. She’d inhaled scripture like clean air and devoured prayer like a starving child. And God had wrapped her in His arms like a newborn baby. She simply couldn’t get enough of Him. And for the first time she felt His forgiveness. More than just head knowledge, she knew heart knowledge, as well.

Despite the comfort she received from the Lord, she struggled to sleep, knowing Holden might not forgive her. Seeing him again on his knee with that little black box was her fervent prayer.

She joined Mary, Rick and Katie in the workroom for lunch. Mary pointed to the counter. “Save whatever you brought for lunch for tomorrow. We brought leftover tacos from last night.”

Ava looked at the multiple containers of crunchy and soft taco shells, meat, refried beans, shredded cheese, lettuce, diced tomatoes, salsa and sour cream. “This looks delicious. When did you have time to set it all out?”

Katie raised her hand. “That was me.” She took a bite of her taco, then lifted her chin and shoved a dangling piece of lettuce into her mouth.

Ava filled a plate, then sat at the table. Rick bit into his taco, then swallowed a drink of lemon water. “We have two added appointments today. Mary has to leave to take the boys to practice. I’ll cover one. Will you be able to stay a little later and cover the other?”

“No problem.”

Mary wiped her mouth. “The appointment will be after Clyde. We try to schedule him last because he seems to like to linger with you.” She winked.

Rick smacked the table. “The man still won’t see me, but he seems to really like the new girl.”

Ava chuckled.

“Anyway,” Mary said, “this appointment will be after Clyde. She’s a girl from the high school. Gymnastics accident, if I remember correctly.”

Ava swallowed a bite. “Like I said, no problem.”

Katie dropped her taco to the table and leaned forward. “Ava, I forgot to tell you this morning.”

“What?”

“Corey got a job.” She clapped her hands. “He’s going to be a Phoenix police officer.”

“That’s terrific.”

Rick straightened. “We’re really happy for him.”

“Yep,” said Mary. “He’s a great kid.”

“Which reminds me.” Katie grinned. “How are things going with Holden?”

Ava sucked in a breath, causing part of the bite she’d just taken to go down the wrong way. She choked and coughed, tears welling in her eyes, while Rick pounded her back until she could finally breathe again. She lifted her finger and took several drinks of water.

“Sorry, Ava,” Katie said. “Didn’t mean to get you all choked up.” She nudged her mom’s elbow and giggled.

Ava rolled her eyes and dabbed them with a napkin. If she broke down in tears, she could blame them on her choking fit. “I haven’t seen him in a couple weeks.”

“What?” Mary and Rick said together.

“I thought you really liked each other,” said Katie. “I mean, he looks at you like a kid looks at candy.”

Ava shrugged. “Never know, I guess.”

She stood and threw away the paper plate, hoping they wouldn’t ask any more questions.

“Looks like it’s time to get back to work,” said Rick.

Ava turned and realized all three of them were staring at her with concerned expressions. She forced a full smile. “Yep. Busy afternoon ahead of us.”

She tried not to think of Holden as she worked with her first and then second client after lunch, but each time she bumped into Rick or Mary they gave her the come-let-Mommy-and-Daddy-make-it-better faces. Katie was even less tactful. Each time Ava walked to the front to pick up a client, Katie would whisper, “I want all details after work today.”

Ava wasn’t sure she would be able to hold back the tears when the time came to pick up Clyde from the lobby. To her surprise, he carried a bouquet of wildflowers, including purple lupines and yellow poppies. He grinned as he handed them to her. “The wife and I noticed you’ve been a little down lately. Thought we’d pick you up some of those flowers your boyfriend got you.”

“Clyde.” She wrapped the old man in a hug. He patted her back, and a single tear slipped down her cheek. She sucked in her breath to keep any more at bay. She released him and smelled the flowers. “Thank you so much.”

He motioned for her to head back to the room. “You’re welcome, but my arthritis is acting up, and we need to get to work.”

Once they arrived, he pointed to the door. “Go on. Run to the bathroom. Cry it out for a minute. I’m not going anywhere.”

Tears filled her eyes as she tapped his knee. “You’re really a sweet, sensitive guy at heart.”

He huffed. “Well, don’t go telling anybody.” He shooed her away. “Just get on outta here.”

Ava made her way to the restroom and splashed her face at the sink. Clyde had brought her flowers. She almost laughed out loud. She’d always known that deep down he was a sweetie. Whether Clyde knew it or not, God had used him to give her another one of His hugs.
Always provide right when I need it, don’t you, Lord. The last eight years would have gone a lot smoother if I’d truly believed that to begin with.

Chapter 18

A
va woke up the morning of the Fourth of July to find the sun shining through her window. The day promised to be a scorcher, and yet Aunt Irene had a packed schedule of plans. Practice for Senior Idol with Jerry in the morning. Clean and then fix a smorgasbord of food for dinner with his and her families. Then fireworks at Surprise Stadium in the evening.

The day before, Aunt Irene had fretted over not having time to decorate the grave markers of her parents for the Independence Day holiday. Ava’s grandfather had been a veteran who’d fought in World War II. He loved the Fourth of July more than any other holiday, and Aunt Irene always made sure his grave reflected that passion. Not wanting her aunt to worry, Ava had offered to decorate.

Aunt Irene had been hesitant, then suggested the visit might do Ava some good. Walking into the living area, Ava stared now at the flowers and flags sitting on the floor, waiting for her to take them to the cemetery. She really didn’t want to go. The thought of her baby’s lifeless body in a casket in the ground made her shudder.

God, go before me this day.

She got out of bed, took a shower and dressed for the day. Reading a note from her aunt saying she’d already left for Jerry’s, Ava grabbed a banana and a bottle of water, gathered up the decorations and headed out the door.

Parking near her family’s plots, she frowned when she saw Holden’s truck.
God, I really don’t know if I’m up to this.
She rubbed her temples, then gathered up her strength.
No more running.

She scooped up the flowers and flags and walked to the plot. For a moment, she faltered when she saw Holden kneeling on one knee, with one hand resting flat against their baby’s marker. He must have heard her approaching because he turned, and she saw a look of sadness in his eyes before it quickly changed to anger.

Lifting her chin and sucking in a deep breath, she walked the rest of the way. “Hello, Holden.”

He narrowed his gaze. “What are you doing here?”

His tone sent a tremor of fury through her. He had every right to be upset with her that she hadn’t been honest in the beginning, but that did not negate the loss she had experienced. “I have every right to visit my son, too,” she snapped.

His eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed again. “You said you don’t like to come.”

Her ire faded as she placed the decorations on the markers, being sure to arrange them as Aunt Irene would have. “I don’t.” She wiped her forehead with her palm. “I try not to remember him here.”

“It’s the only place I have to remember him.”

Holden’s words stabbed her heart. She had felt their baby move in her womb. Believed he was healthy and growing. After the ultrasound and the diagnosis, she’d been numb. Paralyzed with questions and fear, believing God had punished her or that she had done something wrong. When he’d stopped kicking, and another ultrasound confirmed he’d died, the doctor had induced her, and she’d labored for hours for her baby who never took a breath. Her fingers instinctively pressed against her stomach. She held tight to the memories of his active kicks in the womb. “I really am sorry, Holden.”

He opened his arms wide. “I would have taken care of you, would have done everything in my power to help our baby survive, to make him well.”

She shook her head as she dug a pen and a piece of paper out of her purse. She wrote down the word that would be forever imprinted on her heart, then shoved the paper into his hand. “This is what he had. Look it up. You couldn’t fix him.”

He frowned at the sheet of paper. “What does this even say?”

“Anencephaly. He was missing most of his brain.”

Holden wrinkled his nose and his chin quivered. “But surely doctors can... Medicine is so advanced nowadays and...”

“It happens soon after conception. There was nothing you could do.”

His eyes flashed with renewed anger. “I could have known.”

“Yes.” She lifted her purse strap higher on her shoulder. “And you should have.” She turned to walk back to her car, then stopped. “Aunt Irene was with me when he was born. We knew he was already dead—” her voice caught and she swallowed back her emotions “—but she brought a camera and took lots of pictures. You can see them anytime you’d like.”

Ava took a step, then a hand grabbed her and turned her around. Strong arms enfolded her and held her tight. She leaned against Holden and wrapped her arms around his waist. After a few moments, without a word, he released her and walked to his truck.

She waited until he’d driven away before kneeling next to the marker. Allowing her fingers to gently trace the letter
H,
she whispered, “Your daddy would have loved you so much.” She pressed a kiss to her fingertips, then touched the letter before walking back to the car.

Aunt Irene had returned home from Jerry’s by the time Ava arrived. She smiled at her aunt, determined to have a good holiday with her family. “How was practice?”

“Terrific. We’re ready. How was the decorating?” Her aunt pretended to sound nonchalant, but Ava knew the woman too well. She worried about Ava.

“It looks nice. What can I do to help?” She decided not to mention seeing Holden. Today was not a day to worry about what was past. It was a day to celebrate freedom and those who’d fought so diligently for it.

Aunt Irene gave her a bunch of celery and Ava pulled off the stalks and washed them in the sink. The phone rang, and Aunt Irene answered. Her expression fell, then she said goodbye and hung up.

“What was that about?” asked Ava.

“Seems we’ll be one person shy tonight for dinner.” Aunt Irene waved and forced a smile. “That’s all right, though. One less mouth to feed.”

“Who’s not coming?”

Her aunt averted her gaze. “Holden’s gonna spend the holiday with Jake’s family.”

* * *

Holden sat beside Traci and Carl in the performing arts center at the high school. Dad had been a nervous wreck most of the morning about Senior Idol having finally arrived. Daryl and Sara stood in the door, and he waved for them to join the group. Ava followed, and Holden’s heart constricted. She was so pretty in a white sundress and blue jewelry. Her skin glowed from the hot Arizona sun. She’d pulled her hair back in a low ponytail, making her look younger and reminding him of the summer they’d fallen in love.

Sara plopped down beside their sister and rubbed Traci’s belly. She leaned down. “How’s our little sunflower doing today?”

Traci touched her slightly bulging belly. “Growing like a weed. According to the book, she’s about eleven inches long and weighs a pound.”

Carl lifted his finger and nodded. “And we go by the book.”

Traci punched his arm. “Don’t make fun of me.”

Sara punched him, as well. “Yeah. We’re excited about our little girl.” She cooed at Traci’s belly. “Aren’t we, little one?”

Carl raised his hands in surrender. “I’m just kidding. I can’t wait to see her. And just so you know, she’s gonna be a daddy’s girl.”

Holden bit his tongue as his sisters and brothers-in-law continued to banter. He was excited to have a niece and wanted her to be healthy, and yet a piece of him was envious of them because his son hadn’t been. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Ava was studying the program a bit too intensely.

He’d researched the word
anencephaly.
Looked at pictures. Read stories. Researched causes and cures. Ava hadn’t done anything to cause their son’s deformity, but she’d been able to feel their son move inside her. He would have wanted to touch her belly, to feel proof of little Holden’s life when he was safe inside his mother. Instead, he could only visit a marker in a cemetery and see pictures he hadn’t yet had the courage to ask for.

The coordinator for the senior center walked onto the stage. “Good afternoon, family and friends. We are pleased to have you with us this afternoon.” She talked about the center’s activities and funds needed to help keep it running. She even showed a quick slideshow of pictures from the last year. Holden rubbed his eyes with his knuckle. He hadn’t been sleeping well.

The show finally started with a ventriloquist act. The older gentleman told terrific jokes, but most of the time he forgot to move the puppet’s mouth when the little guy was supposed to be talking. The next performance was a trio of ladies singing a patriotic song. Holden bowed his head and prayed for strength not to cover his ears. Afterward, a married couple waltzed, then a man sang. Next, a woman read some of her own poetry, and on and on.

The coordinator’s voice boomed over the microphone. “Our next performance is Irene Hall and Jerry Whitaker singing ‘Islands in the Stream,’ originally sung by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers.”

The family clapped, and Holden let out a loud whistle. His dad and Irene walked onto the stage holding hands. He wore a black Western shirt with white trim, blue jeans, a black belt with a large red buckle, black boots and a black cowboy hat with red trim. But Irene was a hoot. She wore a huge blond wig, a red-and-white-checkered scarf around her neck and red cowgirl boots. The Western-style dress matched the scarf and even included the enhancements Dolly Parton was known for.

Holden glanced at Ava, who tried to cover her giggles with the program in front of her mouth. He hadn’t realized Phoebe sat beside her. She pointed to her chest and mouthed, “I made the dress. You like it?”

He nodded and winked as he gave her a thumbs-up. The music started, and Holden noticed his dad looked paler than he should have. Irene grabbed his hand, and his dad started to sing. Whispers sounded around them from people who were surprised that Jerry Whitaker had such a nice voice.

Irene belted her lyrics, and someone in the corner whistled. She had such an amazing talent. They started their choreography of simple moves that went along with the words of the song. His dad’s face shone with adoration as he looked into Irene’s eyes as he sang.

When the song ended, the crowd jumped out of their seats and applauded. Dad and Irene bowed, and she blew kisses to the crowd. The show soon ended and the winner was announced. The ventriloquist. They hadn’t expected Dad and Irene to win. Once a winner, no longer a participant.

The crowd started to leave, and Holden and the family stood up and waited for Dad and Irene to make their way to them.

“They did a terrific job,” said Sara.

Daryl added, “I never knew ol’ Jerry had it in him.”

“None of us did,” said Traci. “And to think Irene said he used to sing when they were in high school.”

“I didn’t see Mitch and Matt,” said Sara.

Ava pointed to the other side of the hall, where they were beginning to make their way toward them. “They came in a little late.”

Dad and Irene finally made it past the crowd of friends congratulating them. Their faces shone with delight, and they still held hands. Irene gestured toward all of them. “Let’s get some ice cream together.”

“Sounds good to me and little squirt,” said Traci, as she rubbed her belly.

“She’s our sunflower,” reprimanded Sara.

Daryl patted Dad’s back. “I still can’t believe you can sing.”

“Wonders never cease.” His voice slurred the
S.

Irene frowned. “Jerry, are you okay?”

He swatted the air. “I’m fine. I’ve never sung in front of a group like that. Just got a little nervous.”

Irene didn’t seem convinced, but Dad kissed her cheek and she perked up and clapped her hands. “Let’s get that ice cream.”

Holden followed his family to the parking lot. He felt sure it wouldn’t be long before his dad and Irene announced their engagement. Everyone around him had found love, while he’d only found out painful secrets.