Armageddon Outta Here - The World of Skulduggery Pleasant (16 page)

“I’m… I’m helping.”

“How is that helping?”

“It’ll make you feel better. It might make you forget we’re going to eat you.”

“But you don’t
want
to eat me! You want to let me go!”

He looked horrified. “No, I don’t! Why would I do that?”

“Because we’re
friends
, Baffle.”

He shook his head. “I know friends. Friends don’t shout at each other. Friends sing to each other to take their minds off bad things that are going to happen.”

“Baffle!” someone shouted from inside a hut. “Are you singing to our dinner again?”

“No!” he called back.

“You better not be!”

“I’m not!”

He waited, but got no further response. Stifling a giggle, he turned back to Valkyrie. “Did I help?”

“Sure,” she said, totally deflated. “You did great. You know another way you could help me? We’re looking for someone. A girl. A woman. Her name is…” Valkyrie frowned. “OK, I’m not sure what her name is, but she’s got… she’s got… she’s got hair, I think, I imagine, though I don’t know what colour, but… I imagine she has hair. Or she might be bald. Or she might be a he. Do you remember anyone like that arriving down here in the last few days?”

Baffle shook his head. “No one’s been down for ages. Not since the man.”

“What man? Did he have an accent? Did he have a German accent?”

“Don’t know what that is. He talked funny, though.”

“What happened to him?”

“The Beast ate him.”

“Oh. Where is the Beast now?”

“Out there,” Baffle said, waving at the darkness. “Waiting. Watching. We feed it what we can. Sometimes, Owain says we must feed it our friends and families.” His voice turned sad. “The Beast ate my sister.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I was given a bit of her leg to cheer me up.”

“Right…”

There was a sound, like a growl, low and threatening, that echoed up to them.

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow at Baffle. “That’s the Beast?” she asked.

“Yes,” he breathed. “It doesn’t come this close to the village, not usually. Not unless it’s very hungry.” He looked worried. “We might not get to share you after all.”

There was another shout from one of the huts. “Baffle!”

“What?” he yelled back.

“Stop talking to the food!”

“I wasn’t!”

“Baffle!”

“Sorry,” Baffle whispered to her. Sighing grumpily, he jumped down from the frame and trudged away.

“About time,” said someone from the darkness. “I thought he’d never leave.”

A girl stepped into the light. She looked to be around twenty and her blonde hair hung long and wavy. She was pretty, with green eyes behind her glasses. Smaller than Valkyrie, in good shape, wearing grey jeans and a silver-grey coat.

“Myosotis,” Valkyrie said, the memory of the girl flooding back into her mind, bringing with it their friendship. “Love the coat.”

“Isn’t it gorgeous?” Myosotis responded. “I got it a few weeks ago from a little shop in Langenfeld. It’s a bit dirty now, of course, but I suppose that’s what happens when you’re running around somewhere like this, searching for an idiot of a man.”

“Ah,” Valkyrie said. “That man. I’m pretty sure he’s dead.”

Myosotis frowned. “So I’ve been searching mile after mile of dark caverns for him, and he doesn’t even have the common courtesy to stay alive until I find him? That
is
irritating.”

“So what are you guys doing here?”

Valkyrie hesitated. “We’re here to rescue you.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Myosotis nodded. “And how’s that going for you?”

“I have to admit, it could be going better.”

“I would agree with you. It’s the thought that counts, though, isn’t that what they say?”

“It is.”

“In which case, thank you for coming to rescue me.”

“You’re welcome,” said Valkyrie. “Can you get me out of these shackles now?”

“What are friends for?” Myosotis asked, then clambered up the frame, took a lock pick from her sleeve and set to work on the shackles. After a moment, she paused.

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Nothing,” Myosotis said. “It’s just… I’m not used to having a friend. It’s a little odd, you know?”

“Yeah. You could probably work a little faster on the shackles.”

“Shut up, I’m being sincere and vulnerable.”

“Can’t you be those things
and
work a little faster?”

“The problem with people forgetting you when you’re gone is that nobody actually cares if you don’t come back.”

Valkyrie regarded her as the lock picks scratched and scraped. “Sounds lonely.”

“It can be,” Myosotis said. “But this is the life I chose. Mystery and intrigue and anonymity. There are things one must sacrifice in order to be a good spy.”

“You could give it up, you know. Become a regular operative.”

Myosotis smiled, her thin lips rising. “My Sanctuary values my expertise too much to allow that. But do not feel sorry for me. I never do.” The shackles clicked open. “There. My rescuer is freed.”

Valkyrie’s magic washed over her as they jumped down from the frame. Myosotis handed her a bracelet. “Wear this, it’s one of mine. So long as you keep it close to your skin, you won’t forget me.”

“I’m honoured.”

“You should be.”

“Though it’s a pretty cheap bracelet.”

“I buy in bulk.”

“I’m still honoured.”

“You still should be.”

Valkyrie’s grin caught on her lips as a low growl reached them. It was close. It was far too close. “The Beast,” she whispered. “It’s behind me.”

Myosotis nodded.

Valkyrie turned slowly, ready to click her fingers and summon a fireball, ready to grab the darkness and hurl spears of shadow. Instead, she frowned.

The Beast was two feet tall, with small arms and tiny hands. It was covered in fur, everywhere except its face, where two large eyes blinked above a small snout. It had little ears that twitched, and big feet.

“Uh,” Valkyrie said. “That’s it?”

“That’s it,” said Myosotis.

“Does it grow? Is it suddenly going to expand into a giant and devour us in one bite?”

“Nope,” Myosotis said. “That’s the size it stays.”

“Does it have razor claws that are going to pop out, or huge teeth, or…?”

“Nope.”

“Is it… I mean, is it really bad-tempered?”

“It’s quite good-natured, actually.”

“Then I don’t understand. Why is it so terrible?”

“Who said it was terrible?”

“What do you mean? Everyone’s terrified of it. From the moment we got here they’ve been talking about feeding the Beast, how the Beast must be fed, all that kind of stuff.”

“And the Beast
must
be fed,” Myosotis nodded. “Otherwise it’d go hungry. But they’re not scared of it. They love it. Look at it – it’s adorable.”

Valkyrie had to admit, it was pretty cute. It kind of wobbled when it walked.

“I think they named it the Beast because they thought it was kind of funny,” Myosotis continued. “It’s their pet.”

“And how exactly would that little thing eat us?”

“From what I can gather, it’s going to just stand there, and then the people who are sneaking up behind us are going to cut our throats, chop us into bits, and feed us to it over the next week or so in very small chunks.”

Valkyrie turned, and a dozen villagers froze mid-step. Baffle was the closest. He looked embarrassed to have been caught out. “Ah,” she said. “So this is where we fight.”

She snapped both hands against the air and Baffle flew backwards, yelling as he crashed into his fellow villagers. She grabbed the shadows, brought them in low, knocking a big man off his feet before he could get to her. Fire flared in her hands and she lobbed it into the middle of the crowd, scattering them. She slammed her elbow into a woman’s face and stomped on the knee of another man. They were everywhere, all around her, but unable to use their magic in case they hit one of their own. Valkyrie didn’t have that problem.

She caught sight of Myosotis, taking on three at a time, but then more villagers were running in, joining the fight, and Myosotis was blocked from view.

Valkyrie knew there were too many of them. She knew this wasn’t going to end well.

A beam of blue light flashed by her face and she jerked back. It hit the man behind her and he dropped instantly. Villagers were stumbling out of the way as one of them, a man in rags with crazy hair, swung his arms wildly, like he couldn’t control the energy that was pouring from his fingertips. Valkyrie dived to the ground, and the blue beam swept over her, taking down half a dozen villagers in one go. Everyone was screaming at Crazy Hair to stop, but he looked terrified, like he’d forgotten how to turn off his power.

And then Myosotis was behind him, grabbing his arms, redirecting the beams into the crowd above Valkyrie’s head. Villagers fell around her, unconscious before they hit the ground.

But then the beams sputtered and died, and Crazy Hair sagged, exhausted.

“Thanks for that,” Myosotis said, and punched him. He did a little twirl and fell down.

Valkyrie scrambled up before the remaining villagers could grab her. She ran through the stone huts, Myosotis behind her, towards Skulduggery. A man crashed into her and she went down, rolled over, dropped an elbow into his face and hauled herself to her feet.

Skulduggery raised his head. “Oh, hello,” he said. “I see you’ve found Myosotis.”

“Thank you for saving me,” Myosotis called as she ducked the swipe of a crude blade.

“Not a problem,” Skulduggery answered happily. “So this is the exciting battle part, is it? I do so love these parts.”

“You might have to stay up there just a little while longer,” Valkyrie called, using the air to hurl three villagers off their feet.

A fist came in, crunched against her cheek and she stumbled against Skulduggery’s legs.

“How long?” he asked.

She kicked out, brought her elbow to the hinge of the villager’s jaw. “Just another few moments.”

“I feel I have to ask,” Skulduggery said as a woman with earrings made from other people’s ears brought Valkyrie down, “do you have anything resembling an actual plan here, or are you making it up as you go along?”

“We have a plan,” Myosotis said after a headbutt. “But we’re also making most of it up.”

“Best of both worlds,” Valkyrie grunted, shoving the woman off her. She got up, turned, something swung into her face and the world exploded with light. She was aware of her body falling backwards, but couldn’t feel the impact as she hit the ground. She was barely able to crack open one eye, but when she did she saw Owain standing above her, holding that club.

“You think you can invade our home?” he snarled. “Attack my people?”

“Owain,” Skulduggery said, “we’re not here to invade. We came looking for a friend—”

“Quiet!” Owain roared. He looked around. He was the only villager left standing. “This is what you’ve done. We are a peaceful village, but you come and ruin it all.”

Valkyrie heard the scepticism in Skulduggery’s voice. “No offence, Owain, but you’re a village of cannibals. That’s not, strictly speaking, peaceful.”

“We will pull you apart, skeleton,” Owain sneered. He looked down at Valkyrie. “And you,” he said, “are dinner.”

Owain raised the club in both hands, ready to bring it down on Valkyrie’s head, and then a voice said from behind, “Hey! Forget about me?”

He turned and Myosotis hit him, slugged him right across the jaw and his knees wobbled. He swung wildly and she caught his arm and cracked his elbow. He howled in pain and dropped the club, but Myosotis grabbed it before it touched the ground and smashed it into the side of his head. Owain staggered and gurgled and fell down and didn’t get up.

Myosotis helped Valkyrie to her feet, and then searched through Owain’s clothes. She found the key to the shackles and freed Skulduggery. He jumped from the frame and looked around.

“You didn’t leave any for me,” he said.

“Sorry,” Valkyrie said, before groaning in pain.

“You can kick him if you want,” Myosotis said, nodding down at Owain.

“He’s already unconscious,” Skulduggery sulked. “It’s not fun if they’re already unconscious. Wait – what about the Beast? We’ve still got to fight that, don’t we?”

“Uh,” Valkyrie said, “no. And we’re not calling it the Beast any more.”

“We’re naming it Fluffy,” said Myosotis.

Skulduggery tilted his head. “You named the terrifying monster Fluffy?”

“It actually isn’t a monster after all,” said Valkyrie. “It’s a cute little furry thing with big eyes. No fighting necessary.”

Skulduggery looked at her. “So who do I get to punch?”

Valkyrie looked at Myosotis, who shrugged. “No one,” Valkyrie said.

Skulduggery sighed. He picked up his hat and put it on, then walked over to Owain, whom he kicked. “Well,” he said, straightening his tie, “it’s better than nothing.”

This story was written for Charlie Smith, who won a competition to create a new character to appear in
Mortal Coil
.

The character Charlie came up with was Geoffrey Scrutinous, and this is how Charlie described him in his competition entry: