Arrest-Proof Yourself (50 page)

CREW CAB.
When cops see four young males in a car, they immediately wonder if this is a crew of criminals out to do a job. They also know that with four guys in a car, they are four times more likely to discover outstanding warrants, dope, guns, or stolen property.

LOAD TILT.
When cops see a car heavily loaded and low on its springs, or tilted backward from something heavy in the trunk, they want to stop the car and have a look. Perhaps there’s a dead body in there, or some square grouper
¹⁷
just unloaded from a mother ship offshore.

DARK-TINTED WINDOWS.
When cops can’t see inside a car, they like to stop the vehicle and have a look.

DRIVER SLOUCH.
People slouching in seats appear to be
hiding from cops
. Since hide-and-seek is what police work is, cops always like to check anybody who appears to be hiding. By the way, cops like to see your hands on the wheel. They like this a lot.

OVERLY SCRUPULOUS USE OF TURN SIGNALS.
See
^“
Perfect driving.
^”

BRAKE SQUEALS.
Many brake linings have metal studs embedded in them that squeal when the brake pads wear to the point of needing replacement. When police hear these squeals, they will pull you over for an extra-thorough equipment check, with document perusal and contraband search tossed in at no charge. At the first brake squeak, run, don’t walk, to get those pads replaced.

INAPPROPRIATE VEHICLES.
Police are extraordinarily attuned to incongruities, and one of those that most attracts their attention is drivers whose visible status is different from that of the cars they’re operating. If you’re dirty and wearing scruffy clothes while driving a Mercedes Benz, expect police attention.

DRIVING TOO SLOW.
Because drunks often drive very slowly, cops will pull a slow-moving vehicle in a heartbeat.

GIVING THE FINGER TO POLICE.
Yes, people do that. Cops love it. The constitutional right to be an idiot was established by Adam at the clap of Creation and has been upheld by courts ever since.

A PRAYER FOR POLICE

Every thinking person is grateful for police and all their hard work. Perhaps you’d like to join me in a famous prayer, paraphrased somewhat, for police.

LORD, BLESS THEM AND KEEP THEM—
AS FAR AWAY FROM ME AS POSSIBLE!

Why do you want to make sure this prayer comes true? After all, a traffic ticket is not such a big deal. It’s not, as long as it’s just a ticket. But cops aren’t interested in tickets; they’re interested in arrests. Even the most upstanding citizen can have too much to drink and be in danger of incarceration. Countless solid citizens don’t realize they’re driving around with drugs and guns left by passengers. How many carpooling soccer moms are tooling around in vans and SUVs in which a child has dropped kiddie narcotics? So here are some tips to help you drive safely past the police/ sharks swimming along the highways and byways of America.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, GO WITH THE FLOW.
Just as on the street, make no sudden changes in driving, as police are visual predators who are ultrasensitive to such changes. Whatever you were doing (except violating traffic laws), keep doing it.

IF YOU REACH, YOU’LL BE ON THE BEACH.
No reaching for anything inside the vehicle.