Arrest-Proof Yourself (60 page)

named in police reports and in police databases and questioned about similar crimes

subpoenaed to testify in court

Remember, you don’t want to get into disputes, get arrested, and then be subjected to the usual pile-on charges. Here’s what you do.

1.
If you’re familiar with weapons, uncock and unload the weapon. Be honest with yourself. If you’ve never handled guns, do not attempt this.

2.
Do
not
talk to anyone about the weapon—not now, not ever. If the weapon was used in a crime, anyone you talk to can be compelled to testify against you and connect you to a weapon used in a crime.

3.
Call a criminal defense attorney. Hire him or her to arrange to have the weapon removed and turned in to police. The attorney may send a private investigator to handle this, which is OK. Here’s why you do this. When your attorney or your attorney’s employee turns in the gun to police, neither can be forced to reveal who found it, where it was found, or under what circumstances it was found. Your attorney and your attorney’s staff have ironclad legal protection against police interrogation. This is called attorney-client privilege. The cops will have the gun, but they won’t know who found it.

By hiring an attorney to turn in the gun, you’ve done your legally required civic duty. You also have an attorney to protect you, extremely credible witnesses to back up your story, and an expert mouthpiece to do the talking in case the gun is ever linked to you and there’s blowback from cops and prosecutors. Paying the attorney’s bill will annoy you, but go ahead and fork it up. Until you’ve been grilled by homicide detectives about a murder weapon, you don’t know what real annoyance is.

4.
Don’t even
think
about keeping a weapon you found, no matter how valuable it is and how much you need the money.

5.
Gloves, gang. Wear gloves!

6.
Talk only to your attorney. When you find a gun, shut the heck up! Never talk about it except with your attorney or pursuant to a court order.

30

YOU CAN TELL COPS “TOODLE-OO” WHEN YOU SQUIRT THE YELLOW GOO

T
his chapter is about an emergency procedure for arrest-proofing a vehicle. The procedure consists of filling every void in the interior of the car with nasty, yellow, gap-filling foam. You also should rip out the backseat, then permanently lock the trunk so the car cannot be used to secrete dope, guns, or stolen property. Use this procedure when your vehicle is driven by

friends or relatives who may carry drugs, guns, or stolen property

people whose
passengers
may carry drugs, guns, or stolen property

a young guy who carries three of his buddies in the car, creating a four-male-passenger crew cab that is a high-value target for police

ABOUT CARS FOR TEENAGERS

It is insanity to buy a new car for a kid. The car is not a status symbol. It is a rolling load of civil and criminal liability, mostly unfunded and mostly uninsurable, that will not be lifted from your shoulders and removed from your nightmares until the kids are 18 to 21 and no longer living in your home. If teens need a vehicle, get them a good used car or pickup truck.

NOTE TO PARENTS:
This procedure is tough on the car, but not nearly so tough, or expensive, as an arrest that keeps kids from working in decent jobs for the rest of their lives. Remember, if anyone leaves dope or guns in your car, you, too, could get arrested. If your kid gets busted for a felony, the attorney’s fees alone will be more than the value of most used cars. If you’ve got a problem driver, just get out the foam (
nonflammable
foam only!) and start squirting. If the kid yells and throws a fit, tell the little darling to take the bus. Donate the arrest-proofed jalopy to charity, take a tax deduction, and feel better fast.

Here’s how this arrest-proofing procedure goes down. Check the photos for details.

1.
Remove the backseat from the vehicle. This makes it impossible to stash drugs under the seat and allows only two people to use the vehicle. Thus it is impossible for four young men to ride in the car in a crew-cab formation that attracts police.

2.
Fill every space where drugs and guns can be hastily secreted with gap filler. This is a yellow foam that dries hard and is normally used to fill gaps where conduit and pipes enter houses. The stuff is available at home-improvement stores. Make sure to adjust the seats to the position that the driver will use before you start squirting. Once gap filler is under the seats, the seats will be immobilized.

3.
Remove the tire and tire tools from the trunk, place them in the back where you removed the seat, firmly secure them so they don’t become projectiles during driving, then weld or superglue the trunk lock so the trunk cannot be opened.

6.
Fill out the additional page of car creds (see page 274) and place them in the vehicle.

Of course the vehicle is pretty well trashed, but it’s still street legal. It can only be used for transportation. With the ashtray foamed up, it will be difficult to smoke dope, tobacco, or anything else, but what’s so bad about that?

If police stop the vehicle, they will want to know why the car is filled with weird yellow foam. Instruct your driver to hand car creds to the cops. Kids can never explain this stuff adequately when cops are staring at them from behind a high-powered flashlight. For that matter, neither can you.

YOU CAN TELL COPS TOODLE-OO” WHEN YOU SQUIRT THE YELLOW GOO!

Gap filler looks gross (its primary purpose is to fill holes in houses to keep out cockroaches), but it’s easy to use. The foam swells as it cures. Once dry, it can easily be shaped with a knife. Gap filler makes it tough for your children or their druggy-thuggy friends to hide dope, guns, or stolen property. When your children develop common sense and prudence, you can remove the stuff. It will occur to your kids to get rid of it, so check periodically. For your children, having no storage is a certain amount of aggravation, but so what? Until they get arrested, they don’t know aggravation. If they whine, let ’em. It’s your car, your money, your insurance policy, and your children’s future.

Start by squirting the gap filler into the door storage areas. The stuff swells as it dries, but once it’s dry you can cut it easily with a knife if it’s gotten out of control.

Yes, gang, you do want to foam under the seats, where so many nasty things can hide. Be sure to adjust the seat first, because when the foam hardens, the seat ain’t moving, nowhere, nohow.

Fill up the ashtray if you can’t get rid of it. It’s the first thing cops reach for when searching a car.