Artifacts (13 page)

“Have you seen Grifter, Touch, or the other Grumpkin?” I asked.

“Not yet,” Crunch said.

Dying to get a look inside the house, I took a few steps onto the porch. I could feel the planks give way slightly under my weight, and I immediately thought an alarm had been activated, setting in motion any and all booby traps that were hidden and ready to go off.

I closed my eyes and waited.

“Man, that’s an old porch,” Crunch said, hearing the sound the wood planks were making. “You better hope you don’t break through and fall to your death.”

I looked over the side of the railing. “Crunch, it’s only, like, two feet off the ground …”

The planks suddenly shifted, cracked, and fell away. Looking into the hole, the ground was gone below the porch and the wood had disappeared into the darkness.

I had to correct myself. “Death is possible at anytime, anywhere in or around this house.”

Carefully, they followed me onto the porch, each stepping into the footprint of the other.

Looking into the window, the place was piled with junk and boxes filled with junk. We needed time to look through boxes, but we had no idea when Hook or the others would be back.

Tiptoeing up to the front door, I reached for the doorknob … and it faded from view. Then it reappeared.

Every time I reached, it faded. Every time it appeared, I reached.

“Arrrrrgh!” I said, frustrated.

Korie stepped up closer behind me until we really were
thisclose
. “Looks like you’re warming up to this whole pirate idea.”

As I reached for the doorknob it faded, and Korie pushed the door.

Without the latch to hold it in place, the door swung open, the sound of the hinges squealing so loud it was as if we were prying up nails that had been in place for a hundred years.

“There’s absolutely no way of
sneaking
into this house,” Mouth said. “One thing is louder than the other.”

Peeking through the door, I couldn’t see anything that made it feel like a pirates’ hideout, but I was
sooo
hoping there was.

“Come on,” I said. “Let’s at least get off of the porch, so if any of them come driving up, at least we’ll be able to find a place to hide.”

“This place has got to be booby-trapped out the wazoo,” Mouth said. “I’m not taking another step in here without a weapon.”

Scrambling around this first room, Mouth was finally able to find a nice-sized table leg that he swung in front of him like a sword
slash
club. “Okay,” he smiled, “now I’m ready.”

“What about the booby traps you’re not ready for?” Crunch asked.

“I’ve got Tank.” Mouth laughed. “I’ll beat danger with my club unless it’s too big.”

Tank cracked up. “And then I’ll pick you up by the feet and beat danger with you.”

“Maybe it’s a good idea for everyone to have something, just in case,” I agreed. “Look around and see what you can find.”

I picked up a piece of wood, Korie grabbed a hammer, and Crunch grabbed a paintbrush he had pulled out of one of the boxes.

“What the heck is that?” I asked.

“A paintbrush,” Crunch said proudly, holding it up high for all to see.

“If either Hook or Butt-Kiss come to get you, what are you going to do with that?”

Mouth cracked himself up. “Maybe he’s going to paint them into a corner.”

“It’s a lot more than a paintbrush,” Crunch tried to tell us.

“Leave him alone,” Korie said. “Spend a little more time looking for the artifact than abusing Crunch. If the paintbrush is special to him … then it’s special to me.”

We all picked a box and one by one started to pull out the things that were crammed into them. Every time we pulled something out and held it up it was like finding a new treasure.

“Hey, look at this,” Mouth called, pulling an old top hat out of his box. “Alice in Wonderland. I’m like The Mad Hatter.”

I cracked up. “Mouth, that’s the first truth you’ve told since I’ve known you.”

“Whoa!” Korie whispered. She pulled something out of her box wrapped in about a dozen newspapers. Peeling back layer after layer, she was finally able to tear away enough to catch a glimpse of the most beautiful mirror.

“Guys! Guys!” Crunch shouted.

By the time I looked over to him, he was just standing there, staring at his feet.

“Hey, Crunch, you better do something,” I said. “You can’t just be playing around.”

“I did,” Crunch said, his face beaming as he stepped out from behind the boxes.

On his feet were these
giant
, 3D, cartoon-looking sneakers. They were nearly the size of hot air balloons and he was bouncing around on them like there were springs inside.

“What in the world!” Korie laughed.

“All I did was rub the tip of the brush over my sneakers.” Crunch laughed, jumping around the room.

“Does it say anything on the handle?” I asked, nodding my head, almost mesmerized by the bouncing. “Like who owns it or who made it?”

“It’s hard to read with all the movement.” Crunch giggled, trying to hold the brush still enough to look at the carving. “There are only a couple of initials.”

“What initials?” I said. “Read them out loud.”

“W.D.,” Crunch said, slowing down the bouncing. “W. D. W. D. HOLY HANNAH! It’s – ”

Mouth grabbed him and pulled Crunch’s face close to his. “You don’t mean – ”

“I do,” Crunch said. “It’s Wally Dodo’s paintbrush!"

I was confused. “Who’s Wally Dodo?”

“Seriously!” Crunch yelled. “He’s only the greatest comic book artist the world has ever – ”

“Paint something else,” Tank shouted, waiting to see what would happen.

Crunch bounced over to one of the old, ripped up, stuffed chairs that were in the room and painted quickly over the cushion, which regained all its color as an amazing 3D cartoon. Crunch turned around and left his feet, hitting the cushion square in the middle. He bounced so high he nearly hit his head on the ceiling.

“Let me try it!” Mouth shouted, running at Crunch to get the brush.

Crunch kept bouncing around the room, and every time Mouth thought he had him, he’d go flying through the air and crash onto the floor as Crunch bounced away. Finally, after Mouth had fallen and dragged himself back up for, like, the thousandth time, Crunch painted a few of the steps going up the stairs and the ceiling right above it.

Mouth never saw it coming.

The moment he hit the first step he went flying to the ceiling, which sent him flying back to the steps. This movement continued back and forth for a few minutes until Mouth could grab onto something and anchor himself down.

Korie, Tank, Skylights, and I ignored them, knowing that if you paid attention to them they could go on like that for hours.

“Anything yet?” I asked.

“Most of this stuff is junk,” Tank said. “And the rest has nothing to do with fairy tales.”

I laughed. “I’d crack up if your bedpan was in there.”

Korie stopped for a moment. “Skylights, you said the artifact could rewrite the stories.”

“Yes,” Skylights said. “That’s the greatest fear. The villains would defeat the heroes, and that’s how the stories will be read to children all over the world.”

“And what would happen to you and the others if that happened?” I asked.

“The same that has happened to the villains,” Tank said. “Not a lot of kids growing up wanting to be us anymore.”

“Not a lot of good out in the world,” Korie said.

I shrugged. “Not a lot of Halloween costumes made to look like Peter Pan.”

“Hook would be the hero of our story if that were to happen,” Skylights said. “Every vile, evil thing he has ever done would be forgotten …”

Before he could finish his thought, there was a rumble outside. Looking out the window, we saw the Blackthorn disappear and a truck carrying Smee and Jerkin barreled across the grass, dragging another load of artifacts with them.

“They’re coming,” I shouted, trying to get Crunch and Mouth’s attention. “Crunch, get those sneakers under control and find somewhere to hide. Mouth, get your mouth under control and do the same thing. Hopefully, they’ll just drop the things off and get out of here.”

Running past the front door, I slammed it shut. Grabbing Korie’s hand, I dragged her along behind me as we looked for a place where we’d be out of sight, but still able to peek out and see what they were up to.

“Open the door you oaf!” Smee shouted as he stood on the porch, his arms full of boxes.

“You open the door,” Jerkin said, snatching Smee’s boxes. “My arms are full.”

“Your arms are only full because you stole my boxes,” Smee snarled.

“Out of my way!” Jerkin snapped.

“Keep that light bulb head of yours out of mine,” Smee growled, sliding his foot out in front of Jerkin, sending him and his boxes crashing to the floor.

“I’ll kill you once this is over,” Jerkin shrieked. “I’ll be the hero of my story and have my minions attack Neverland and sink every one of your
stoopid
ships.”

“Then I’ll kill you now,” Smee said, diving for Jerkin, who army-crawled away as quickly as he could.

Jerkin hadn’t gotten far before Smee was on him. They were slap-fighting with their eyes closed, across the floor, nearly crashing into where Tank, Skylights, Korie, and I were hiding.

Finally, Jerkin broke away and ran toward the stairs.

“No, no, no,” I whispered, remembering Crunch’s newly painted first step.

The moment his foot hit the stairs, he catapulted backward, somersaulting high over Smee’s head. Smee turned before he hit the stairs or he would have been launched as well.

Their battled raged on.

They fought until they were right in front of the table Crunch was hiding under. In the craziest move I’ve ever seen—later I’d tell everybody how brave he was—Crunch crawled out and painted Jerkin up one side and down the other.

Smee was shocked. He looked at Crunch briefly but then his eyes turned back to Jerkin, who had turned into an extremely colorful animated figure with a giant light bulb head, looking and acting even more cartoonish than he already did.

Smee burst out into uncontrollable laughter.

Jerkin ran across the room and looked in the mirror. His scream was earth-shattering and as he tried to grab Smee, Smee pulled his ears out about two feet from his head and let them
snap
back to his head with a …
boing
.

Smee doubled over with laughter. As he stood up to see what else he could do to poor Jerkin, there was Crunch, paintbrush in hand, painting him up one side and down the other much the way he had done to Jerkin.

Not letting a moment go by, Tank and the Grumpkin grabbed Jerkin and Smee, mashed them flat and folded them up, all the while struggling to maintain their hold on them.

“Find something to put them in,” I yelled to Korie.

Rooting around the pile of junk for something to hold the folded cartoons, she finally pulled out a suitcase.

“
The Emperor’s New Clothes
,” Tank yelled. “Hey! I can’t believe somebody stole my idea.”

“Two somebodies.” I held up a second suitcase.

Tank and Grumpkin slid Smee and Jerkin into the suitcases and latched them closed.

After dropping to the floor, the suitcases hopped around like Mexican jumping beans as we all came out of hiding.

“That was fantastic,” Mouth said to Crunch, grabbing him, lifting him off the ground in victory, and then slamming him back on the ground.

The moment Crunch hit the ground, the sneakers started bouncing again. Crunch and Mouth flipped and flopped all around the room, followed closely by two suitcases hopping behind them.

“Just let them go,” Korie said. “Once Hook or Butt-Kiss realize those two are missing, they’re going to come looking for them.”

We kept going through the boxes. Most of the stuff I took out was pretty cool. I started holding things up to see if the others could guess which fairy tale it was supposed to be for.

“Korie, you made it,” I yelled happily, holding up a brick for her to see.

“There has to be a better way of way of finding the artifact without having to wade through all this junk.” Korie sighed.

“I would have thought there would be some kind of list or journal or log they’d keep while sorting through some of this junk. Navigating between the trash and the treasure would be a heck of a lot easier if it was all written down.” I stepped away from the pile of boxes and looked on some of the tables and flat surfaces around the room.

“Anything?” Korie asked.

“No,” I said, “just a lot of dust, dirt, and crap. Did I mention dust?”

Korie laughed. “Once before.”

A small table sat off to the side of the fireplace.

There was an opened book with a few of the pages pressed back and items listed carefully in neat rows down the page. “Now, this is what I was looking for.”

“I want to see!” Crunch bounced passed me, all grabby hands, trying to rip it away.

“Cut it out!” I shouted and slung him across the room at, like, a thousand miles an hour.

With a look of disappointment on his face, Crunch bounced slower and lower. He wanted to make sure we all saw him, but what he didn’t realize was that he gave Mouth the perfect opportunity for a sneak attack—that he took—and they went bouncing off again.

I was able to match some of the items lining the wall to a few of the entries in the log. “From the stars and arrows drawn around the items, the important stuff starts here,” I pointed to a pile of
something
set near the stairs, “and then continues in order around the room.”

“Hey, this is hysterical!” Tank laughed, a long, thin, wooden box in his hands.

“What is?” I asked. “Us standing in Hook’s hideout, sorting through crap, looking for the one thing in this entire world that can save Fairy Tale Land?”

“No.” Tank laughed. “A feather hidden in a wooden box like it’s a treasure or something. He held it up and examined it. “It looks like they yanked it right out of a chicken.”

“Wait!” I yelled.

Surprised, Tank snapped the lid of the box closed, startling himself.