Ash (5 page)

“Did you see that new girl today?” he asked.

“Yup.”

“She’s hot.” He gave me that cheesy grin of his.

“Danny, don’t even go there.”

Taking a swig of beer, he glared at me. “Why not?”

“She’s new. You don’t even know her. She could be your biggest mistake yet.”

“Or the best fuck a guy can get,” he replied, and grinned. “Aww, c’mon, she’s French. They might do it differently.”

Sometimes, Danny couldn’t help himself. I remember our first year of training. He’d made a list of all the girls in our class he intended on bedding. It wasn’t that he was a player, but more of a case of his convincing himself it was a right of passage. He didn’t listen to reasoning then, and he sure as hell wasn’t about to start now.

“I get the feeling she’s not like that,” I remarked.

“You only just met her today. How can you possibly know?” He sat forward and grabbed a slice of the cold pizza.

“Put it like this. She’s got a tongue in her head and isn’t afraid of using it in a bitter and twisted way.”

Danny bit into the pizza, chewed a few times, and smirked. “And you got all that today from your first ever encounter with the beautiful Miss Dubois?”

I ran a hand over my face, set my beer on the floor, and sighed.

“What? What did I say?”

“I had an exchange of words with Miss Dubois at the zoo last weekend,” I admitted.

Danny’s face lit up.

“No, nothing like that,” I said, shaking my head. “She was actually very rude.”

“Like how?” Danny chortled.

“She insulted me because of my tats and totally judged me.”

An incredulous look spread across Danny’s face. He looked at my arms and neck, and pulled a face.

“Well, I suppose to those who aren’t so familiar with a little body art, you do come across as a . . . How should I say it?”

“Don’t fucking say it,” I warned him.

“A thug!” He grinned and earned himself a set of cushions thrown at his face. “Hey, c’mon, you know how this works. Some girls dig the art, and some just don’t get it. Maybe the new girl isn’t into the whole ink thing. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

Danny loved to bring that up every damned time. “Yeah, well, all the Marcy’s of the world can kiss my ass.”

“Hmmm.”

He made the sound as if to say he agreed. There was certainly no love lost between him and Marcy. Not after everything she did to him. He tolerated her because she was Connie’s friend, but there was a fine line between them, and it was as frayed as it could get.

“Marcy’s been on my case,” I blurted out.

“Fuck me, that woman makes me wanna gouge my eyes out and eat them. Why bother now?”

I glared at him. “You know why. I can’t cut the ties that easily.”

“Fuck sake, Ash. She can’t keep this over your head for the rest of your life.”

“Nope, but she’s giving it a pretty good try,” I replied.

Danny stood and walked to the window. He stared out into the busy street below. He shoved his hands into his pocket and his posture changed.

“I warned you guys about letting her help. I had a bad feeling back then, but neither of you would listen. You saw what she did to me, which should have been a clear warning.”

Hearing Danny say those words after all this time forced me to relive the past, one I didn’t want to remember.

Connie sat on the bathroom floor crying. The bloodstained pants she’d worn were crumpled in a heap in the bath. Her eyes were puffy.

I sat down beside her, knowing nothing I could do would take her pain away.

“I love you,” I muttered, pulling her into my arms.

“I’m not sure how much more of this I can take,” she cried.

I didn’t want to let her go. The thought of her hurting like this made me feel weak and useless. What kind of man was I when I couldn’t help the woman I loved?

“We won’t do this anymore,” I said, trying to hold back my own tears. “Let’s just accept fate. I can’t watch you do this to yourself. It’s destroying me.”

Connie broke free from our embrace and glared at me. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She screamed, her face twisted with rage.

“Destroying you? Oh, my fucking God, Ash. I’m the one who can’t carry a baby for any length of time. My body has failed me, not you. You’re not being destroyed. You’re just a bystander. You aren’t the one crippled in pain, knowing you can’t do the one thing a woman is meant to do. For all I know, you blame me for not being able to give you a child.”

This isn’t you Connie, I thought. No matter what I said, I suspected I would be public enemy number one. She was angry and hated herself. Perhaps, she despised me. Yet, through all the pain and anguish, Connie would come out on the other side stronger than before.

I didn’t respond, not wanting to cause an argument. All I wanted was for Connie to clean herself up so that I could take her to the hospital.

“Please, just listen to me,” I whispered.

She shook her head and continued sobbing.

“Connie, look at me.”

My wife wiped the back of her hand under her nose. Her eyes met mine.

“Baby or no baby, I will love you, always. Do you understand me?” I said, touching the side of her face. “This destroys me because you’re in pain. I can’t help you the way a man should, and this is beyond my control. I hate it.”

Connie closed her eyes and let out a horrible wail. She crept into my arms and sobbed.

“I’m sorry . . . I’m so sorry.”

I held onto her for the longest time. Nothing made me feel more broken than when my wife’s heart shattered.

Reminded of the very thing that pushed us toward Marcy was enough to make me recoil in devastation. Some would say I was a selfish and ungrateful man, but in reality, a deal had been made, and she was the one who suddenly changed her mind.

“I don’t know what to do,” I mumbled, picking at the paper wrapped around the neck of the beer bottle.

Danny’s eyes met mine. “You need to tell her to back the fuck off, or I will.”

“C’mon, I can’t do that. I promised Connie.”

Danny shot me another look of disdain and shook his head. “Connie begged us all to make a lot of promises. That doesn’t mean you have to keep every single one. Jesus, man, if you continue to let Marcy call the shots, you’re going to lose control of the situation and she will have won.”

Danny was right. I didn’t have the balls to face Marcy head on.

“She doesn’t have rights, does she?”

“No, of course not. Those were relinquished.”

“Then, there you go. What have you got to worry about?”

For a moment, I was on his wavelength, but reality was much different. Connie’s dying wish was for me to include Marcy in Jake’s life. So far, I had done anything but that.

“I don’t want her coming along and fucking things up. What if she gets nasty and decides to turn Jake’s world upside-down?”

Danny scoffed at the idea. “Because if she does something like that, she loses out big time. And that’s a fact.”

“Yeah,” I mused.

Danny changed the subject. “So, let’s return to the lovely Sophia Dubois.”

I laughed and relaxed a little. “What about her?”

“Well, can you see her and me, ya know, getting it on?” he asked with a wink.

I cringed at the thought. “Man, that is a horrible thing to think about.”

“But ya gotta admit she’s hot, right?” He smirked as the words rolled off his tongue.

“She’s alright, I suppose.”

Danny shot to his feet and laughed.

I, on the other hand, sat back, rested my hands behind my head, and grinned, watching the changing expressions flitting across my best friend’s face.

“That is a complete let down, man. What’s happened to my boy? Where have you put him?”

“He’s exhausted and has to get up for work in the morning, just like you.” I chortled, getting up from the sofa and grabbing the empty bottles of beer from the coffee table.

“Yeah, I know a cop out when I hear one,” Danny remarked, following me into the kitchen with the empty pizza box. “I was just about to head home.”

“Sure, you were.”

Danny drank the last of his beer. He set the bottle on the counter and belched. Picking up his jacket from the behind the chair, the corners of his mouth turned up.

“I’ll see you on the flipside, Benton,” he said, saluting me and walking to the front door. “Just remember what I told you.”

“Yup, like always, I take everything you say on board,” I lied.

“Yeah, and we both know you like to ignore all that shit.” He grinned. “But I won’t take offense. I’m not a pussy.”

“See you tomorrow, Danny,” I replied.

He slipped out the door and whistled as he walked down the flight of stairs.

I closed the door and couldn’t wait to turn in. Switching off the lights, I put my phone to charge next to my bed and checked in on Jake.

So far so good, I thought, creeping out of the room.

I threw my shirt over the dresser and peeled my jeans off, slipping into bed. I closed my eyes and tried to push everything to the back of my mind, but all the pain and swirling anger was impossible to ignore.

“The cancer has spread outside the womb, but is still within the pelvis.”

The words thundered through my head so fast, I felt dizzy. I looked at Connie.

She sat frozen in her chair. Her face unreadable.

“What does this mean?” she asked.

The oncologist set his pen down and stared at the two of us. “You will require surgery. More than likely, a total hysterectomy, which involves the additional removal of the cervix, as well as the removal of the pelvic lymph nodes.”

Connie let out a small sigh and turned her face away from both the doctor and I.

“No babies, ever!” she muttered. Her posture slumped, and she pressed a hand against her mouth.

“Mrs. Benton,” the doctor said, “we have previously discussed the options of embryo cryopreservation.”

This was news to me. I glared at Connie, but she refused to look at me.

“But that would mean putting off treatment, right?” Connie asked.

“Yes, by several weeks, but if your desire is to have a family, then that option is available. The window of opportunity will cease if we delay.” The doctor stopped talking and looked at me.

I didn’t know what to think. A part of me wanted to wake up from the nightmare. I wished our life would go back to normal.

The sound of Connie’s voice made it all the more real.

“Okay, let’s do it,” she said without consulting me.

“Connie, shouldn’t we discuss this?”

I was perplexed. She was willing to put herself at risk and delay treatment because of her obsession with having a child.

“No, this is my choice. I want this, Ash. Don’t you understand?” Tears filled her eyes. “My body. My life.”

I couldn’t look at her. My heart sank to new depths, and I silently screamed. Sometimes, Connie made me so angry. There was just no reasoning with her. It felt like she no longer heard me or cared for my opinions. That hurt me more than anything. Her longing for a baby had taken over her life, and now that there was a formal diagnosis, she was a living, breathing time bomb.