Ashes - Book 1 (10 page)

“No thank you. Ken volunteered to do that later tonight.”

I stand and take the green glass. “Darn it,” I joke, pouting my lower lip out and giving puppy dog eyes. “I thought we were taking our relationship to a whole new level.”

She grins. “Looks like you’ll need to re-connect with … oh, what was her name … from college?”

“Pamela.” I know exactly who she is talking about.

Her eyes get big. “Yes, Pamela. I’m sure she’ll be more than happy to let you inspect anything on her.”

I wrinkle my nose, remembering Pamela and how she used to hit on me, promising me a night I’d never forget. She was really attractive. Red hair, pale skin, killer body. And she’d had her sights set on me for some reason.

I have to admit, I was tempted a time or two. Just to see what it would be like. One night, a bunch of us had gotten wasted and Pamela had kissed me and put her hand up my skirt. It wasn’t until her finger was inside me that I remembered I wasn’t attracted to girls and pulled away, turning her down as gently as I could. But to this day, that memory still makes my stomach tighten just a little bit.

“I think Gage is getting tired of me,” I blurt out, changing the subject.

She sits up, wincing a little and turns to me. “Why do you say that?”

“Because I’m a controlling bitch.”

Steph laughs. “Well, everybody knows that.”

I glare at her, but lean back in the chair and take another drink of the green goodness. “He hasn’t said anything,” I admit. “It’s just the feeling I get. He’s one of those strong alpha male types and—“

“You’re a strong alpha woman,” Steph says, replacing the derogatory words I was going to say about myself.

I start finger brushing the tangles from my hair and say in a low voice. “Being an alpha can be pretty exhausting.”

She looks at me, startled, then leans forward and rubs my leg. “Then stop. Or at least take a break from it every now and then. Let him take over. Trust him. You have no idea how amazing it is to completely surrender to someone you trust and just flow with him, completely emerged in just feeling and being.”

Steph has a dreamy look on her face and I swallow, wishing I could have that dreamy look too. “Is it that easy?”

She looks at me. “It can be. When you stop fighting so hard for territorial rights.”

I smile at that. “I feel like I’m so screwed up that I can never be okay, Steph.” The damn tears are back, burning hot behind my eyes. “How do you do it? After everything you went through, how did you set it behind you so that you could move on?”

“Forgiveness.”

I snort. “So I say … I forgive thee rapists? And suddenly I’m okay?”

Shaking her head, she says, “I wish it were that easy. It’s funny. I was reading a book about forgiveness after everything that happened with Jerome. I had been having panic attacks almost every day, as you know.” I nod. I do know. Her panic attacks had been terrible. “The book was fiction, about a couple who fell on hard times and the woman had an affair and then had to decide which man she wanted — her husband or her lover. She had two kids and the husband had been terrible to her, but he began to change and started to fight for her. Anyway, she was talking to her best friend. Kate, I think her name was. And Kate took Melanie, the woman, through this forgiveness process that really connected with me. I tried it and it really helped.”

I stare at her. “I need to read that book.”

Steph nods. “Yes, you do. But what I learned is that it’s not enough to forgive the person for what they did; you need to
thank
that person for the lesson you learned because of him or her.”

Thank them? Bullshit. I must have looked as incredulous as I was feeling, because she went on. “I’m serious. Take Jerome. I had to make a list of all the things I needed to forgive him for, and believe me, the list was really, really long. Then, I made another list of all the things I needed to thank him for.”

She swallows and puts her hands over her face. After a moment, she pulls them away and sniffs, wiping the tears. I hand her a corner of the towel and we use it to wipe our faces.

“I was amazed,” she began and swallows again. “That list was long too, Beth. I remembered all the good times we’d had together and I thanked him for those. Then I thanked him for giving me the money to open HEAL and to buy this house. I thanked him for doing those terrible things because it brought me and Ken closer. It also allowed Ken to find Hannah again and for Hannah to get out of the sex trade.”

She wipes her eyes again. “Because of Jerome, Captain Frank and Mary practically adopted me and I have someone to walk me down the aisle next spring. Because of Jerome, I realize how much strength I have and that I can fight back and win. That I’m not the wallflower I’d always thought I was.”

I’m openly sobbing now, watching my best friend’s face smile through the tears. “I thanked him … I even went to his grave site to do it.” I look up at her in surprise. “I know. I didn’t tell anyone until now. But I went there and I read through my list of things I wanted to forgive him for and thank him for. I didn’t need to do that. Forgiveness is for yourself. You don’t ever have to speak to the other person about it. It’s just for you. And, do you know what?”

I sniff and croak out. “What?”

“It was like a million pounds lifted off my shoulders. I came home and started doing the same process for everyone who had ever hurt me. My mom for dying so young. My dad for killing himself. The teacher in middle school who was so mean to me because I’d fall asleep in class. She didn’t care that I was thirteen years old and working full time cleaning houses so I could support me and my dad. I forgave and thanked her too. Although her thank you list was way short.” Steph grins.

I think of the two men who raped me my freshman year and how that night changed me forever. At least I’m 99% sure they raped me and that it was only the two of them. Damn, it’s that 1% of uncertainty that haunts me. Makes me doubt myself and the truth of that night. I’d been drugged and have only the fuzziest of images of what happened.

I remember dancing with this tall, dark haired frat boy. I think he was a senior and his name was Brian or Brad or something like that. I think.

I remember another guy coming up behind me and sandwiching me between the two of them. I remember gyrating on the first guy’s leg, dirty dancing while guy number two pushed against my back.

I remember one of them giving me something to drink and tossing it back in one gulp. I asked for another and someone handed me a glass. I tossed it back and continued to dirty dance. Having the time of my life.

I remember… being in a room. Naked. Not able to move my arms or legs.

I remember a white mask hovering over me. It was the hockey mask kind that the guy in Friday the 13
th
wore. He was shoving into me. Hard. Fast. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t fight. I tried to scream and couldn’t. There was something in my mouth, choking me.

I remember someone else turning me over and tying me down again.

I remember searing pain as he forced himself into me anally. So much pain.

I remember them making me drink something else. Then I only remember waking up on a bench outside the school library. It was still dark. I somehow got to my dorm room and I remember Stephanie holding my hair back while I vomited everywhere.

I look up at her now. “Can I borrow your book?”

She grins at me. “Sure. It’s by Elle Dawson. I think you’ll like her.”

Chapter 11 – Gage

Thank God for Saturdays!

Beth and I are roaring down the highway, the top of her Jeep down, and I’m at the wheel. I couldn’t believe it when she’d tossed me the keys and given me a wink.

I glance over at her now. The tanned, smooth legs that begin in her short khaki shorts and end in a pair of hiking boots. We’re heading to Red Rock. I’d been pleasantly surprised when she’d asked me what I wanted to do when we talked on Thursday. She had forgotten that I’d worked a 24-hour shift the night before and she had woken me from a deep sleep.

I didn’t mind.

Red Rock is one of my favorite places to get away from the city. Today we’re hiking Turtlehead Peak. It’s a hard ass climb, but at the top, the view is simply incredible. We’ll be gone for hours and have packed sandwiches, granola and plenty of water for the trip. My backpack is going to be heavy as shit, but it will be worth it. I need the additional exercise anyway.

We ride in a comfortable silence, 80’s rock blasting from the speakers. She didn’t even fight me for control of the radio this time. Just smiled at me and pushed her sunglasses up her nose. Damn, I need to buy her another pair.

Pulling into the fee station, I pay the seven bucks and we drive around to the trail entrance, then park and open the back to get our packs.

Beth tries to pick mine up to move it out of the way and says, “What in the hell do you have in there?”

I grin at her. “I come here a lot to climb or rappel, so some of my gear is in the bottom. Then our lunch, a blanket. Condoms.” I wiggle my eyebrows at her.

She steps closer to me and raises up on her tiptoes, wrapping her hands around my neck and pulling my head down. She crushes her lips to mine. Nothing gentle. Hard. Demanding. Then she stops and goes gentle, tracing her tongue over my bottom lip.

Breathless, she steps away. “Is there anywhere up there where we might put those condoms to use?”

I grimace and look around at all the other cars filling nearly every space. “Probably not. It looks pretty busy today.”

“There’s always later though, right?”

My dick twitches and I tell it to stand down. “Yeah … all night later,” I tell her and have to break away from those intoxicating brown eyes.

I’m heaving my backpack onto my shoulders when Beth asks, “We’re not climbing or rappelling today; do you need to carry all that stuff?”

“Don’t need to, but I like having all my things, just in case I see a rock I’m dying to climb. Besides, the extra weight is good for me. I’ve been slacking off working out the past month or so. It’ll be my punishment for being lazy.”

She grins. “Is that why you like carrying me around? Exercise?”

I pound my chest and give her my best Tarzan yell. “No. Me Tarzan. You Beth. I carry. Make me feel good.”

She rolls her eyes and slips her sunglasses back over her eyes. She straightens her ponytail and I can’t help but notice how her small breasts move up under the tank she’s wearing. I can imagine their small, dusky nipples tightening under my tongue.

Shit. I tell my dick to stand down again.

I’m beginning to regret the extra fifty pounds on my back when we’re about three quarters of the way up the trail. Under normal conditions, I could carry it all day. But I forgot how steep and treacherous sections of this trail — and I use the word ‘trail’ loosely — can be. Gravel underfoot can make walking extremely dangerous, especially around the sheer drop-off points. Plus the direction signs have essentially disappeared, which I guess shouldn’t matter because the only direction you can go is up. Or straight down.

I suggest we take a break and I’m surprised when Beth stops and drops her pack. I wait for her to call me a pussy and keep going. But she doesn’t. She just shrugs her shoulders and stretches her arms over her head. Then she turns toward the view of the valley this section offers.

“Wow,” is all she says.

I drop my pack and dig out two bottles of water and am thrilled to see large chunks of ice still floating on top. Not wanting to drag along a cooler to climb this beast of a mountain, I froze them over night and they had thawed just enough to give us about a half bottle each of drinking water. I toss one to Beth and grin as she rubs the bottle against her face, throat and chest.

“How often have you hiked this trail?” she asks, and sits on a rock to take a long drink.

“Five or six times, but it’s been a couple years since I’ve been to this one. I’ve been wanting to come back for a while.”

“I love it,” she says and looks out at the view again. “Some of those sections were pretty iffy though. I can’t believe so many families bring their kids up here. Did you see that idiot climbing that rock with a baby on his back?” She lifts a hand and gestures to the landscape in front of it. “This is beautiful, but not worth risking your kid’s life.”

I nod and drink more water. “I see idiocy play out every time I’m on shift. I guess hanging on by your fingernails over a hundred foot drop isn’t an exception for some people.”

“When are you on shift again?” she asks and looks up at me, curious.

“Sunday, then Tuesday and picking up a half day for one of the guys on Friday. Why? Anything special you want to do?”

She wiggles her eyebrows, but then grows serious, licks her lips and looks back at the view. “Well … I’ve been thinking about something and I’m not sure if I can go through with it, but I want to try it. With you.”

I wait for her to continue, curiosity burning a hole in my brain. She licks her lips again and swallows, her perfect profile otherwise unmoving.

“Do what, Beth?” I ask her quietly.

She releases a long breath, as if she’s been holding it for days. She still won’t look at me, but she opens her mouth. Closes it. Opens it again and says, “I want to try having sex when I’m not in control.”