Ashes to Ashes (20 page)

Nineteen

I WANT TO GO TO NICK NEXT,
do the same thing for him, but I can tell Thatcher's energy is waning.

He creates a portal that delivers us right outside my door. I'm swamped with emotions: relief, joy, a tinge of sadness, a conviction that my dad will be all right. I'm almost bursting with a need to talk about it
and
to hold it in, savor it for a while longer. I have so much that I want to say to Thatcher, but all I seem capable of uttering is a heartfelt “Thank you.”

His blue eyes warm. “You're the one who did it.”

“But I couldn't have done it without you.” Only now do I realize that there was a sort of underlying chaos when I was with Reena, when she was pushing me to do things her way. It's difficult to explain, but I don't think her methods would have brought my father the peace that Thatcher's did.

“You should rest,” he says, as though he's uncomfortable with my gratitude.

“I—” I lower my gaze, watching the swirling mist, trying to form the right words. When I look up, his brow is furrowed, his eyes etched with concern. “You said I ruined things for Ella. Is she going to be okay?”

He nods. “There'll be another ceremony. We just needed a little time for harmony to be achieved once again.”

I release a quick burst of embarrassed laughter, because I caused so many problems. “Oh, good. I was afraid she'd be sent to Purgatory or something.”

“No. Solus is waiting to welcome her.”

“Do you think that I could see her, apologize for what happened?”

The smile he gives me is devastating in its beauty. “I can arrange that. But you can't touch her. Your energy could unravel things.”

I nod with understanding eyes, realizing that I trust him completely for the first time. “I won't. I'll follow your rules to the letter, do whatever you tell me.”

He grins. “I doubt you'll go that far.”

I take his jab like a good sport. It's deserved. Besides, I like it when he's relaxed enough to give me a hard time. “I will, I promise. I really don't want to mess things up for her.”

“Yeah, okay. Come on.”

As we walk along, I desperately want to take his hand. I think about what Reena said, that he was deliberately sabotaging my progress, to keep me here so he wouldn't be lonely. I can't see him being that selfish. Unfortunately, I
can
imagine him feeling that isolated.

“Now that I seem to have caught on to how some of this works, how long do you think I have in this realm?” I ask.

“It's impossible to say.”

I wanted so badly to be out of here, to be back on Earth permanently, but now I don't know if I want to go. If I want to leave Thatcher. “I hope the next ghost you guide doesn't turn out to be such a pain.”

He shifts his gaze over to me. “Callie, you're acting like this is going to be our good-bye, but we're a long way from that.”

“But we will have to say good-bye eventually.”

“Eventually, yes.”

“How do you do that? Welcome someone here, connect with them, teach them what they need to know just so they can leave you?”

“I know something better is waiting for them. How can I deny them that? Besides, I don't connect with those I guide. There's nothing personal between us.”

“Not even with me?”

“You're like no one I've ever known before.”

It isn't really an answer, yet in a way it is.

Before I can respond, he swings his gaze forward. “We're here.”

We're standing in front of a white door that has little sparkles, coming and going, floating around almost as though they're alive. I raise my hand to knock, but before I make contact, the door opens. Ella Hartley stands before me in the silver gown she was wearing earlier. Her eyes that I thought looked flat and dull the first time I saw her are now glowing with an inner brightness.

She smiles softly. “Callie McPhee. I was hoping you'd come see me.”

“Ella, I am so sorry.”

“You don't have to apologize. I know the poltergeists have a certain charisma that makes it easier to believe everything they say.” She turns her head slightly. “Hello, Thatcher.”

“You look lovely, Ella,” he says.

Her smile brightens. “I'm happy, happier than I've ever been. Please come in.” She steps back.

I shake my head. “No, I don't want to take your energy. I just—”

“Please,” she interrupts, sweeping her arm to the side in a welcoming gesture. “My energy is safe.”

I glance over at Thatcher, waiting to take a cue from him. I really don't want to do anything that will mess things up for Ella. He gives me an encouraging nod.

We pass through the doorway, and it's like stepping into a shower of calm that washes over me, almost taking my breath. While outside is swirling fog, in here it's like being enveloped in gossamer clouds.

“The first time I saw you at the harbor,” Ella begins, “I thought we had met before, but I couldn't remember. All my focus was on my family, and my memories were scattered.”

“That's okay,” I assure her. “I was a little . . . scattered myself.”

“Had you just arrived?”

“Yeah. Still had a lot to learn.” I scrunch up my face. “Still do.”

“Don't worry. You'll learn quickly, and I've heard good things about Thatcher.” She winks at him. “No one under his tutelage has ever
not
merged.”

Again, I can't help but wonder how many good-byes he's experienced.

“I know he's the best.” And I realize that I mean the words, truly mean them. I'm not just spouting compliments to keep things from getting awkward.

“Forget everything the poltergeists told you,” Ella says. “Concentrate on bringing peace to those who love you. The reward is your own peace at seeing them comforted.”

“Are you scared?” I suddenly blurt out, then I slap my hand over my mouth. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked.”

“I'm not afraid. There's nothing to be afraid of.”

“But you don't
know
what's on the other side.”

She places her hand over her heart and smiles so serenely that my throat tightens. “Oh, but I do.”

A leap of faith, Thatcher told me. I don't know if I'll ever be fully comfortable taking one.

“Will you come to the ceremony?” Ella asks.

“You can't possibly want me there after what I did. After I ruined everything.”

“You didn't ruin anything. It just got delayed. I would so love to share this experience with you.”

I look at Thatcher again, and he nods.

I smile warmly at Ella. “I would be honored to be there.”

 

This time, I'm standing at the front beside Thatcher. We're in the rain forest again, surrounded by lush vegetation. I can hear the raindrops falling gently to the ground. Some of the Guides are playing the mbiras, calling the other ghosts here.

Ella is strolling up the path that's lined with white stones. Something in my chest clutches at the sight of her. In spite of everything she and Thatcher told me, I want to grab her and run from here. As she nears me, her eyes meet mine, and I know that I've never seen such tranquillity.

She steps onto the platform. She's only a few feet away from me. She smiles, once again glowing with the radiant energy that seems to be such a part of her now.

She lifts her face up to the sky.

I tense—

“She'll be all right,” Thatcher whispers.

Transfixed, I nod.

Suddenly a brilliant light beams down on Ella. A thousand gleaming sparkles begin dancing over her. Her smile grows wider, she spreads her arms, drops her head back.

She appears to be in ecstasy. The light bursts through her, pours over us, and a flash of calm like a prelude to Heaven surges through me. So quickly, I can't hold on to it.

But it leaves me momentarily astonished.

Ella begins to ascend. She fades. The light fades.

Then they're both gone.

The music goes silent. Not a word is spoken as ghosts and Guides begin to wander away, but there is a sense of extreme peace hovering around all of us.

“Are you all right?” Thatcher asks.

I look at him through a haze of tears. Embarrassed by my emotional response, I quickly swipe at them. “Why am I able to cry? I'm not in my real body anymore, so this makes no sense.”

He appears as uncomfortable by the question as I am by the tears dampening my cheeks.

“It shouldn't be possible, but I've seen it once before—a truly powerful emotion can bring an actual physical reaction to this shell of the body.”

I admit I was deeply touched by what I witnessed. And that explains why I thought I felt my heart beating on the train track. That was an extremely intense experience.

“What did you think?” he asks, and I can tell that my answer is important to him.

“It was beautiful. Ella was so radiant, filled with such joy. She looked like an angel.” I shake my head. “But I'm not ready.”

“I know that, but at least now maybe you can understand why ghosts strive to achieve it.”

I nod. “Yeah, I . . . for a split second I felt like I was touched by Heaven.”

“You were.”

I look over my shoulder to where Ella was and then up to where she is now. I know it's going to be a while before I make that journey. My biggest obstacle, other than my own qualms, is Nick. I have to help him find peace, and I know that's not going to be easy.

“I want to go see Nick.”

Thatcher studies me intently for a minute. “You should probably rest. You've gone through a string of emotional experiences. You're vulnerable.”

“No, I'm ready. Please, Thatcher.”

He releases a sigh that's part irritation with my stubbornness and part acceptance that one way or another I'm going to go see Nick. He's bound to understand that it's better if he's with me. He outlines the portal. I step through—

And am greeted by a burst of fireworks. We're standing on the water's edge, our backs to the surf. A huge amusement park is in front of us. I can hear the sounds of the midway, the rush of wheels over tracks, the screams of thrill riders. Fireworks once again dazzle through the night sky.

“Nick is here?” I ask.

“No,” Thatcher says quietly. “This is a . . . a gift.”

I snap my head around to study him. He's staring straight ahead, as though he's not quite comfortable meeting my gaze.

“You've been dealing with so much turmoil that I thought you might need a little escape from everything.”

I think I'm going to cry again. I'm an emotional wreck. I blink back the tears. “This isn't exactly sanctioned, is it?”

He peers over at me then. “Are you going to tell?”

“Other than the fact that I don't know who to tell—” I shake my head. “No, I'm just going to enjoy the fireworks.”

Another explosion of sound draws my attention to the black sky where it's lit up with red, green, and white.

“I didn't realize you were such a rebel,” I say, my voice tinged with teasing and laughter. I've always loved fireworks, and sharing these with Thatcher is almost magical. My memories are so strong that I can smell the metallic blasts of powder that ignite the colorful bursts in the sky.

“What else do you do that you're not supposed to do? What other rules do you break?” Using a portal for personal enjoyment has to be a huge no-no.

“This is a first for me.”

I can't help but grin. “I'm rubbing off on you. Before you know it, you'll be as wild as you were when you were alive.”

“I wouldn't go that far.” He shrugs. “I wanted to give you something special, that's all.”

“This is very special, Thatcher.”

I feel an incredibly strong pull toward him. My gaze drops to his full lips, how soft they look. I imagine mine moving over them. I wonder about his taste, if I would even be able to taste him. Without all our senses engaged, would a kiss be anything special? And yet, I can't help but think that a kiss would make this moment perfect.

But more than Nick is holding me back.

“What haven't you told me about Reena?” I ask him.

I look right into his eyes, knowing that this question is one he doesn't want to answer.

“Thatcher, please,” I say. “I want to understand you, to know you. That won't happen if you don't let me in.”

“Callie—”

“I know you don't form attachments. I even get why. And I understand that I'm nothing special—”

“You're more than special. In so many ways.”

“I want to know how you came to be here. I want to know everything about you.”

He turns his face away from mine, staring at an explosion of color.

“Walk with me,” he says.

We wander along the water's edge, but I can't feel the dampness.

I wonder if Reena hurt someone he loved once. I stay quiet, giving him space to start talking.

“I was a senior in high school ten years ago,” he finally says quietly. “I went to West Ashley.”

“We play them in sports,” I tell him, doing quick math in my head and figuring out that Thatcher would be twenty-eight now if he were still alive. Not
too
old.

“I know. I was on the football team.”

“A Wildcat,” I say.

“Right.” His mouth turns up a little.

Then his eyes gloss over, and I listen to the lapping of the waves on the shore, hoping it'll lure him into revealing more.

“Reena and I had been dating for almost a year,” continues Thatcher.

I hold my breath and will myself not to react. I know he'll stop telling the story if I break his concentration, so I stay quiet even though my mind is screaming a thousand questions.

“It was homecoming night, after the dance, and we went out to the upper Wando River for a bonfire. There were a bunch of us there, and Reena and I decided to take out a rowboat with two other friends—Leo and Hayley.”