Assholes Finish First
Read Assholes Finish First Online
Authors: Tucker Max,Maddox
Tags: #Fiction, #Autobiography, #General, #Biography & Autobiography, #Biography, #Humorous, #Humor, #Form, #Subculture, #American Satire And Humor, #Sex, #Anecdotes, #Drinking of alcoholic beverages, #Form - Anecdotes, #Max; Tucker
ASSHOLES
FINISH
FIRST
ALSO BY TUCKER MAX
I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL
| Gallery Books |
Copyright © 2010 by Tucker Max
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Gallery Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020
First Gallery Books hardcover edition September 2010
GALLERY BOOKS and colophon are trademarks of
Simon & Schuster, Inc.
For information about special discounts for bulk purchases,
please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949
or [email protected].
The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at
www.simonspeakers.com
.
Designed by Diane Hobbing of Snap-Haus Graphics
Manufactured in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Max, Tucker.
Assholes finish first / by Tucker Max.
p. cm.
1. Max, Tucker—Sexual behavior—Anecdotes. 2. Max, Tucker—
Alcohol use—Anecdotes. 3. Sex—Anecdotes. 4. Drinking of alcoholic beverages—Anecdotes. I. Title.
CT275.M464713A3 2010
616.85'83300922—dc22
2010023159
ISBN 978-1-4169-3874-3
ISBN 978-1-4169-5114-8 (ebook)
ONTENTS
T
UCKER
G
OES TO
C
AMPOUT
, O
WNS
D
UKE
N
ERDS
T
HE
DC H
ALLOWEEN
P
ARTY AND
T
HE
W
ORST
G
IRL
I E
VER
F
UCKED
Time Flies When You’re Fucking Tatted-up Whores
Nils and the Pepperdine D-Girl
T
HE
T
HINGS
I P
UT
U
P WITH FOR
P
USSY
LA Girls Have Their Own Category
G
OOD
G
AME
, G
REAT
G
AME, AND
N
O
G
AME
B
ONUS
S
ECTION
: O
THER
P
ERSPECTIVES
FROM THE
P
EOPLE
W
HO
W
ERE
T
HERE
UTHOR’S
N
OTE
My real name is Tucker Max. All the events described in the following stories are true to the best of my recollection, though certain dates, characteristics, locations, and other trivial details have been altered.
I hope you enjoy reading about my life as much as I have enjoyed living it.
UCKER
G
OES TO
C
AMPOUT,
O
WNS
D
UKE
N
ERDS
Occurred—September 2000
I went to law school at Duke, and as you may know, basketball is huge there. The demand for tickets, even for grad students, far outstrips the supply. In order to solve this problem, the people in charge make grad students camp out in a field to get into the lottery for the chance to get tickets. They expect you to spend a weekend sleeping in dirt and checking in every time they blow their whistles, like a fucking homeless kindergartener.
You think I’m exaggerating, don’t you? This is taken directly from the Duke grad student website:
“Welcome to Duke! Let’s get right to the most important issue on your mind: How can
YOU
get season tickets to this year’s men’s basketball games in Cameron Indoor Stadium? Eligibility to purchase tickets is determined via the
Graduate and Professional Student Council Basketball Ticket Campout.
Campout for Duke Men’s Basketball season will be held starting at 7:00pm on
Friday, September 8
, and runs through
Sunday, September 10
, at approximately 7am.
The rules are simple: make it through the weekend without missing two attendance checks and your name is entered in a lottery. Lottery winners are then drawn and each of these lucky individuals is eligible to buy one of the 700 graduate and professional season tickets.…