At Last (8 page)

Kevin took his arm back, leaving her vulnerable to the enemy sounds. “Remember my hangover remedy from college?”

At that moment, Susan found remembering her own name to be taxing, so going back to the good old days took some thinking--it felt like a brick wall was between her and her recollections. But finally the memory of the orange concoction came back to her.

“You made it after the Omega Pi party, beginning of senior year.”

“And every time we got blitzed after that, which was a lot.”

Susan shook her head, wrinkling her nose. “Yeah, and I remember it tastes freaking awful.”

“Awful or not, it works like a charm.”

Susan conceded that. Even though it looked like swill from the bottom of a dumpster, smelled like burnt rubber and tasted like vomit, the stuff worked. Now Susan just had to weigh all that was bad about it against having the hangover from hell all day.

Her mouth went cotton ball dry just at the thought of chugging the nasty mess. But the wind outside picked up, and the wind chimes gained volume.

“Give me that.” She snatched the cold glass out of Kevin’s hand and brought it to her lips. But she inhaled through her nose and the burnt rubber smell she remembered had a musky gym socks scent too. She held the glass out away from her and shook her head. “How did you make it smell worse?”

Kevin guffawed. “It doesn’t. It’s just that island paradises smell so good, everything else smells worse in comparison.”

Susan looked at him doubtfully.

“Here,” he said, scooting closer. “I’ll hold your nose for you while you drink it.”

“You gonna hold my hair for me when I puke it back up?”

“Very funny. Now remember it works best if you guzzle the whole thing at once.”

Susan just wanted to kick him in the teeth. “That wouldn’t be because it tastes like shit, would it?”

Kevin grabbed hold of her nose and pushed the glass to Susan’s lips. “Everyone’s a goddamn critic.”

As the chilly liquid flowed down her throat she had to admit, without the smell it tasted like generic cough syrup. Generic cough syrup with chunks of cherries and olives in it, and laced with tequila.

Susan coughed as the last of the nasty stuff went down, and as Kevin let go of her nose, she reached for a tissue and gave her nose a swift, very quiet blow.

“What the hell was that?” Kevin said, sitting back from her, his expression confused, as if he couldn’t recognize her.

“What was what?”

“You just blew your nose like a blond sorority pledge. What happened to the angry tuba?”

He would have to remember something stupid and horribly embarrassing like that. Susan had always had a loud sneeze, often likened to a shotgun blast. And when she blew her nose it always sounded like a very loud, angry tuba. She hadn’t given it much thought in high school, and little more in college. But once out in the professional world and social situations, people stared at her like she was a circus freak when she cleared her sinuses. She had consciously toned it down. Toned down so far that now she made no sound at all.

“Angry tuba went bye-bye,” Susan said.

Kevin threw back his head and laughed, pulling her to him with his strong, muscular arm. “I guess that would put a damper on any dating situation.”

The orange sludge calmed her stomach, and her mind quieted. “Mark looked at me like I was an elephant the one time I accidentally did it in front of him.” She swallowed as she remembered the horrified look on his handsome face. “Said it was tacky. He runs off with a cocktail waitress and I’m tacky!” She stiffened. At the thought of him judging her, and then standing her up on their wedding day, her hangover was quickly being replaced by pure, hot anger.

“He doesn’t deserve the tuba,” Kevin said, kissing her lightly on the top of her head. “He doesn’t deserve you either.”

Susan laughed, but it sounded wheezy and choked. She dropped her head down on Kevin’s t-shirt clad chest and listened to his heartbeat. Strong and steady. But when she wrapped her arms around his torso she could swear that steady heartbeat lurched and started to speed up. His chest felt so good, the solid bulk of him, that she leaned in more, snuggling into his warm, hard body--inadvertently pressing her breasts against him.

She could hear his heart racing, and his breathing came in ragged gasps.

Suddenly Kevin pulled away from her and was on his feet, looking flushed and sweaty, like he’d just run a mile. “How’s that hangover?”

“What’s wrong?” Susan was still trying to straighten herself on the couch--she’d fallen over when he’d jumped away from her.

“Nothing.” But she’d never seen Kevin look so nervous.

“Then why are you acting like that?”

Kevin got this pissed-off look on his face--jaw set, head tilted, hands on his hips--and those hazel eyes of his got all dark and sinister. It made a chill slither up Susan’s spine.

“Last night...” Kevin said, his voice a harsh accusation.

“Last night?” Susan struggled to remember what had happened. There had been the hang gliding, and dinner, and margaritas...and then Liz had called. Something about finding her a rebound fling, and then...

She’d jumped her best friend’s bones.

Susan closed her eyes and groaned. “Oh God!”

“So you do remember,” Kevin said, his eyes narrowing.

“I made a pass at you.”

“I think it went way beyond a pass.” His eyes looked angry, but Susan could tell it was just for show.

And it hit her, and the thought made the red hot anger from before well up inside her, ready to explode. She was sure her hair would burst into flame at any moment.

“And you turned me down,” Susan said.

“As any good friend--”

“You turned me down!” she screamed.

Kevin’s eyes bulged with surprise. “I-I...just--”

Kevin backed away, his hands up as Susan rose from the couch.
Good, he should run. I’m about to murder him!
Liz’s words were whispering themselves in her ears again. Rebound. The fastest, easiest way to get over the pain of being dumped?

And she was in pain. Every time she thought of Mark, every time she remembered how beautiful she’d felt in that wedding dress. Being there, in paradise, on her honeymoon, with no groom. The pain radiated from her chest, making all her limbs feel like they were withering, dying. Her head had never felt so ready to burst, filled with questions, convoluted thoughts, paranoia. The cure was as simple as sleeping with some hot stud...she had her own hot stud right there with her, and he was her goddamn best friend!

“How could you say no?”

Kevin’s jaw dropped, his eyes turning unreadable.

“I’m in real pain here, and you won’t give me the one little thing I ask you for.”

“Now wait a minute--”

“I mean--” She could hear the hysteria in her own voice, which pissed her off even more. “It’s not like I’m asking for a kidney or something. Or for you to date my two hundred pound ugly sister.”

“Suze, you don’t have a--”

“All I wanted was for you to fuck me!”

Kevin’s jaw dropped again.

“It’s not like you haven’t wanted to!”

The look that fell over Kevin’s face like a malevolent shadow instantaneously zapped the anger right out of Susan’s entire body. Kevin was pissed. And this time, for real.

~*~

Kevin had had enough.

He’d been the good friend, taking Susan away from her problems, bringing her down to Cancun. He’d played nursemaid, psychologist, pizza delivery boy, and bartender. And he’d been so strong--though tequila impaired himself--and hadn’t let her take advantage of him, even though ninety-nine percent of him had so wanted her to.

But now she was calling him out like he was some ungrateful letch. Who the fuck did she think she was?

Susan opened her mouth as if she was about to say something, but Kevin snapped at her before she could utter a syllable.

“You have no right to ask me for that!”

Susan stepped back, a fearful look in her eyes.

“Not you, not now, not ever!”

Susan looked up at him as he towered over her. He was clenching his teeth so hard it hurt. Slowly he willed his breathing slower, and when he stepped back he started to walk toward the glass French doors leading to the beach.

“I have to go,” Kevin said as he pulled the doors open and left the room, not looking back.

~*~

What have I done?
That’s all Susan could think as she stood in the middle of the hotel suite, looking out onto the pure white sands of Cancun, watching Kevin walk away, down the beach, and then slowly out of sight. What
had
she done?

Good thing was she wasn’t thinking about Mark or the wedding or her feelings anymore. She was just plain horrified that she could’ve been so selfish, so thoughtless, so cruel. He’d done all this for her, in her time of need--and she had to face it, she was freaking pathetic with need about then. And not only had she tried to seduce him against his will, but then she threw his attraction for her, from seven long years ago, right in his face, like he was some juvenile pervert trying to cop a feel.

When in reality he’s the best friend I have in the world.

Sorry, Liz.

Susan could no longer set one higher than the other. They both meant so much to her. And she hadn’t realized until he’d walked out that door that he meant the world to her. She couldn’t live without him. Not for a single day. How could she be such a fool, trying to use him like that, and just to dull her pain.

She would make it up to him.

But how could she?

She’d apologize as soon as he got back.

But what if he didn’t come back?

“He’ll come back,” Susan said.

But there were planes leaving the island on the hour, every hour. She wasn’t so sure he really was coming back.

Susan ran into the bedroom, did a quick change, pulled on some sneakers, pulled her hair back in a ponytail and threw some cold water on her face. She tasted tequila on her breath and did the fastest brushing of her teeth ever. She set out at a dead run in the direction Kevin had gone. He was walking. Hopefully she could catch up by running.

Of course, even though she’d been a minor track star in high school, she hadn’t had time to run since her sophomore year of college, a fact that hit her as she lumbered over the sandy beach, finally having to stop and catch her breath about a hundred yards in. But she kept walking. She had to find him before a plane came and took him away from her.

~*~

Cancun looks very small on a map of the world. Even smaller when you look at it on a globe. But when you’re walking down one of its snow white sandy beaches, it seems the beach goes on forever. For a while, Susan started to think she’d fallen into an episode of
The Twilight Zone
. At first there had been lots of people on the beach, but as she walked, the crowds at the water’s edge slowly faded, until she found herself tripping down a deserted stretch of beach. And though it seemed she could see forever in both directions, she couldn’t see Kevin anywhere.

Where the hell was he? She had to apologize. She had to make it better.

If she could find him.

She’d find him.

But what if he wasn’t walking on the beach? What if he took a turn to the road and hailed a cab? He could be on a plane--a plane anywhere--by now.

“He’s here, you ignorant bitch!” Susan shouted at herself. “And I am going to find him!”

“I believe you,” a woman’s deep voice said, floating through the tropical breeze like the scent of orchids. “You don’t have to bite my head off about it, though.”

Susan turned to see a thin woman who looked like she was in her seventies, her long white hair pulled back in a braid, dressed in a short-sleeved biker-short style wet suit, polishing a surfboard leaning against a giant palm tree. Her skin was brown and deeply lined, yet radiant with pure energy, as were her brown eyes, glowing with self-possession. And her smile, wide and happy and white.

“I’m sorry,” Susan sputtered. “I didn’t know anyone was out here.”

The woman chuckled and gave Susan the eye. “So you were talking to someone who’s not there?”

Susan stood speechless. How was she going to explain this? And to a complete stranger. “Not really someone...more of a voice in my head.”

“I didn’t mean anything by that, honey.” The woman ran her wrinkled hand down the smooth gleam of the surfboard’s outer lip. “Believe me, I talk to myself all the time.” She fixed a hard look on Susan. “Just be careful. Those voices in your head aren’t always yours.”

Susan felt a queasy knot in her stomach. “What do you mean?” So many thoughts flooded her mind. Mental illness, radio waves, ghosts, the devil...

“Just that sometimes the voices in our heads that judge us and tell us what we should be doing, they aren’t our voices at all.”