aterovis_bm_reapthewhirlwind.p65 (13 page)

“Do I have a choice?” I said. “I suspect that this is the kind of thing that doesn’t happen twice. I’ll manage somehow. It’s not like I have a job to worry about.”

“Speaking of that, just tell me if it’s none of my business, but Aidan mentioned the other day that you’d quit your job, and I talked it over with Derrick and we could use some extra help here at the gallery. We can’t pay a lot but it’s better than nothing, and we could work around your painting schedule. Interested?”

“I’d say! What would I be doing?”

“Some office work, watching the floor for us if one of us can’t do it, helping with sales, manual labor, you know, the usual.”

“And Derrick was okay with this?”

“He wasn’t at first, but I can be pretty persuasive when I need to be, and anything that means less work for him will usually win out in the end.”

“Will you teach me that trick of Derrick’s?”

“You mean his poof-here-I-am trick?”

“Yeah, that one.”

Nikki laughed. “Sorry, that’s top-secret, but I can tell you that he practiced it for hours when we were kids.”

“I did not!” yelled Derrick from somewhere unseen.

“So does this mean you want the job?”

“Hell, yeah!”

“Great! You’re hired! You can start next Monday.”

We shook hands and Aidan and I left. We talked ex-113

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citedly about selling the paintings and my new job all the way home. I started right to work on planning out what I wanted to do for the one-man show and even started on a sketch. Nothing more was mentioned for the rest of the day about that strange moment that morning in bed.

Aidan returned to his own bed that night, saying that he thought I was okay now by myself. I lay awake that night wondering what it would have been like if he had kissed me that morning. I knew that was what had been going through his mind when our eyes had locked. Suddenly it seemed of the utmost importance to know what Aidan’s lips felt like against mine. Almost without even thinking, I got up and walked across the hall to Aidan’s door. I rapped lightly.

“Come in,” he answered right away, so I knew he was having as much trouble sleeping as I was.

I opened the door and then just stood there stupidly, suddenly unsure of what exactly I was doing. What was I hoping would happen?

Aidan was sitting up in his bed, his bare chest glowing in the moonlight which poured in from his window.

He was looking at me with a confused expression. “Is something wrong?” he asked.

“No, I just—I missed you,” I said awkwardly in a voice that was barely above a whisper.

For what seemed like an eternity, he just stared back at me. I could see his mind turning my words every which way, seeking out every implication of my appearing in his bedroom after midnight. I felt like a little kid waking up his daddy after he’s had a bad dream. Just as I turned to go back to my room with a mumbled apol-ogy, he called my name. I turned back to see him toss 114

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the sheets aside and pat the bed next to him. I slowly shut the door and walked to the side of the bed before hesitating again. My heart was racing and I couldn’t keep my hands from shaking. In the near darkness, I could see Aidan searching my face, his eyes seeking mine out. Then he reached out and tentatively took my hand, pulling me gently onto the bed.

The kiss was so soft, so quick that I almost thought I was still imagining it. The second one, though, was much more decisive, as if we both now knew what we wanted. He pulled back and searched my eyes once more. I reached around his neck and pulled him back to me for another kiss, this one much longer and more passionate.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that, kissing as if our lives depended on it. I was lost in the moment. It was like my first kiss all over again, but so much better.

I remember the first time I kissed Beth I had wondered where all the fireworks were. Now I knew.

I felt his hand slide over my shoulder, across my chest and down my stomach as his kisses moved down my neck. He left a trail of angel kisses down my chest and stomach where his hand had passed just moments before. His mouth lingered over my navel and he tickled it with his tongue. I felt my breath rush out as my stomach did somersaults. His mouth moved back up to meet mine but his hand slid under my boxers. I almost jumped out of the bed when he found his target. Then, in a blur of motion, he broke away and before I could even think our boxers were off and he was on top of me, kissing me once again with a passion that caught me off guard. Our bodies began to move in synchronicity as the fireworks turned into an all out 115

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explosion.

Afterwards, as I lay wrapped tightly in his arms listening to his regular breathing, I began to question what had just happened. Did I love Aidan or had I just gone to him because I missed the security of having someone next to me? I didn’t have the energy to pursue that line of thinking right then. I pushed the thoughts from my head and fell into a deep sleep.

They were back with a vengeance as soon as I opened my eyes the next morning though. My first coherent thought was, “Oh my God! What did we do?” But of course, I had all the evidence I needed spooned into my back. My mind raced. Did I love Aidan? I wasn’t sure. I was hurting from Joey’s and my family’s rejections; maybe I just needed to feel loved for one night. But that would make me one hell of a horrible person, using Aidan like that. Of course, I hadn’t gone expecting all that to happen—had I? Aidan was without a doubt the most caring guy I had ever met. I knew I could love him, but I also knew I still had a lot of unresolved feelings for Joey.

I felt Aidan stir behind me. His lips brushed my shoulder, then my ear. “I love you, Will,” he whispered.

I sat up with a jolt.

“Will?”

“Aidan, last night—”

“Was incredible. You can’t imagine how long I’ve wanted to do that, to hold you in my arms. It was so hard lying next to you all those nights, so close and yet—”

“Aidan…”

“I’ve wanted so badly to tell you that I loved you, but I knew I had to wait; that you had to make the first move.”

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“Aidan, last night was a mistake.”

Punching him in the stomach wouldn’t have created the effect those words had on him. He seemed to cave in as his face fell. “What?” he whispered.

“We shouldn’t have…done what we did.”

“Make love? Say it, Will. We shouldn’t have made love? Why? What do you mean? You came to me. I thought you wanted me.”

“I don’t know what I wanted. That’s the problem. I still love Joey and right now I can’t separate what I feel for him and what happened last night. Maybe I did want you, but what if I really only went to you because I need to feel loved, because I couldn’t have Joey?”

“I don’t understand this.” Aidan ran his hands through his hair. “Do you love me?”

“I—I don’t know.”

Aidan stood up abruptly, realized he was still naked, and grabbed the sheet to cover himself, clutching it like a security blanket.

“Aidan, I do love you,” I said hurriedly. “You’ve become my best friend these past few weeks. I don’t know anyone else who would have done what you’ve done for me. I’m just so confused right now. I don’t know if I love you the way you want me to love you.”

“You didn’t seem confused last night.”

“I—it’s just—I still have all these feelings for Joey.”

“Joey’s straight. No, he’s not just straight; he’s ho-mophobic. I’m here, right now. And I’m telling you I love you with everything I am. Isn’t that enough for you? Aren’t I enough for you?”

“It’s not that you’re not enough. These feelings I have for Joey, I’ve had them for years. I can’t just make them go away. I don’t have an on-and-off switch. I wish I 117

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did. And maybe—maybe once he gets used to the idea, maybe he’ll be okay with it. Maybe he’ll even realize he loves me too.”

“Oh God! Wake up, Will! It’s not going to happen.

The guy’s an asshole. I hadn’t told you because I didn’t want to hurt you and I thought you had enough to deal with, but ever since you broke the big news to your old pal Joey, he’s been hell-bent on proving his heterosexual masculinity. Shelley dumped him weeks ago when she found out he was cheating on her, and he’s been screw-ing everything with tits ever since. He’s become the campus sleaze over night.”

“Not Joey. He wouldn’t do that.”

“Guess what? He is. He’s also managed to maintain an almost constant state of stone-assed drunkenness at every party that’s been held since school began, whether he was invited or not. His trademark phrase is “Can you believe I used to be friends with a fag?”

The last statement hit me like a blow. Aidan saw it written all over my face. “Oh God, Will, I’m sorry.”

I stood up and staggered to the door.

“Will, please, I’m sorry.”

I walked across the hall to my room and shut the door behind me. Immediately, Aidan was knocking and talking through the door. I quickly turned the lock.

“Will, please open the door. Talk to me. Don’t shut me out.”

I walked to the window and threw it up with a bang.

“Will! I shouldn’t have said that; it was wrong. I was hurt. Please open the door.”

I climbed out the window and onto the fire escape with a strange sense of detachment. It would all be over soon. Aidan sounded like he was crying now; he’d 118

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stopped banging on the door. “Will, please forgive me…,” he sobbed.

I didn’t feel anything anymore, but I felt I owed him at least that much so I turned back to the window. “I forgive you,” I tried to say but it came out as a kind of croak, so I cleared my throat and said it again only louder. Then I turned and climbed onto the rail. I stood for a second balancing precariously on the top rung.

The ground looked so far away. I heard a key fumbling in the lock of my door and I thought it was strange that I didn’t know he had a key to my room.

“Will—NO!”

I jumped.

For a brief moment I felt like I was flying, all my troubles were gone. Then the ground started rushing toward me.

“Noooooo!”

Blackness.

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I’ve always been especially sensitive to repetitive noises. They annoy me in a way that very few things do. The first thing I remember thinking is how much I wanted that damn noise to stop.

Beep Beep Beep

I had to make it stop. But that meant I had to wake up.Beep Beep Beep

Oh, but I didn’t want to wake up. It was so nice just floating in this darkness, not having to deal with life’s problems.

Beep Beep Beep

But the infernal beeping wouldn’t stop. I tried to open my eyes. No really, I did; but I couldn’t seem to lift my lids.

Beep Beep Beep

I tried to move my hand, thinking I could find the source without the effort of opening my eyes, but they wouldn’t move either.

Beep Beep Beep

I tried to speak, but even that proved to take more effort that I could seem to pull together.

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Beep Beep Beep

I couldn’t stand it. Putting forth an extreme effort, I parted my lips and forced the words past them.

“Make it stop,” I rasped.

“Will? Will!” I heard a voice; it sounded like Aidan.

“Is he awake?” Another voice, this one sounding suspiciously like my mother.

“I think he said something,” said the first voice.

“What did he say?”

“I don’t know; I couldn’t understand him. Will! Will, can you hear me?”

I mustered up some more energy. I felt I was fast de-pleting my meager supplies, and said again, “Make it stop.”

“Oh my God! He’s awake!” Aidan screamed.

“Nurse! Nurse! He’s awake!” Mom yelled. She continued yelling this as her voice faded away.

The beeping was still there so I tried again, but this time I decided to be a little more specific, “Make the beeping stop.”

“Oh my God! Will, we’ve been so scared!” Aidan babbled on as if I hadn’t just asked, quite reasonably, I thought, that he turn off the beeping. “You’re in the hospital,” which explained the beeping, “and you’ve been in a coma. You broke your arm and banged up your head pretty bad, but they said it’s a miracle you’re even alive. I’m so glad you’re awake. You were in the coma for two weeks. They were even starting to talk about what to do if you didn’t wake up.”

I seriously considered sinking back into the beckon-ing darkness at this point, but that incredibly irritating beeping was still droning on in the background of Aidan’s relieved prattle. I decided to try one last time, 121

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“Please make it stop.”

“Make what stop? The pain?”

“The beeping.”

“Beeping? What—oh, the heart monitor. I can’t. It’s what lets us know you’re alive.”

“I wanted to die.”

“I—I know. But it wasn’t your time. You’ve still got so much living to do.”

I would have retched right about then but it was all I could do to talk; and while the effect would have been quite dramatic, I didn’t think it was worth the effort. I heard my mother’s voice coming closer again. She was talking to someone whose voice I didn’t recognize.

“I’d really like to have a look at him before I can say, Mrs. Keegan. Let me talk to him then we’ll see,” he was saying. His voice stopped above me. “Will? I’m Dr.

Cherrix. I’m your doctor. Can you hear me?”

“Yes. Can you make the beeping stop?”

“Yes, but right now we have more important things to tend to. We’ll get to that in a minute, but only if you can stay with me long enough to answer some questions.” Ah, nothing like blackmail while you are lying half-dead in a hospital bed. “Can you open your eyes?”

“No.”

“Can you try for me?”

“No.”

“If you play by my rules I’ll make the beeping stop.”

He was playing dirty, but what choice did I have, really? I tried to open my eyes again, but my lids felt like lead weights. Suddenly the beeping seemed to grow louder, giving me the extra push that I needed. I managed to get my eyes open a tiny bit, but the light was so bright they immediately snapped shut again. I won-122