Autobiography of Mark Twain (171 page)

On 3 January 1906 Clemens spoke at a dinner at The Players club, held to celebrate his renewed membership; his text was a version of the “Wapping Alice” story (SLC 1981; see AD, 10 Jan 1906, and the note at 256.5–6). The text reproduced here is from a book published in 1943 by the club’s majordomo, Walter Oettel, entitled
Walter’s Sketch Book of the Players
(Oettel 1943, 54–57). The source of Oettel’s text is not known. The mention of Clemens’s “slow drawling way” suggests that someone at the dinner took down the speech in shorthand, but it is also possible that Clemens gave Oettel his manuscript.

“She was,” he said, in his slow drawling way, “an English importation of Mrs. Clemens. She came well-recommended, and was duly installed as cook in our household. She was a prepossessing maiden of thirty years, well-liked by all the family.

“During the summer months the family went abroad. I and a few of the servants, including English Mary, remained at home. The house underwent renovation that summer, and among other improvements, a burglar alarm system was installed—the annunciator of the alarm being placed in my bedroom.

“One night, shortly after the system was completed, the alarm sounded. It was repeated three nights in succession, but no trace of an intruder could be found. Each time the indicator showed that a window in the basement had been tampered with. Believing it to be of little or no importance, I thought no more of it until the alarm was repeated on the fourth night. I then decided to investigate thoroughly. Putting on my robe and slippers, I quietly descended the stairs. On reaching the basement I found that Mary had company—a big strapping young fellow about twenty-five years of age. Of course I apologized for intruding, and returned to my room. The next morning I sent for Mary, to give her a mild scolding, and likewise to lend her a key to the basement door so that her evening caller might enter without causing a commotion in my room.

“It was a few months later that English Mary came to me one morning with tears in her eyes. She asked me for advice, informing me that her young friend, the handsome young Swede, was about to leave her. She confessed that circumstances made it imperative that he marry her at once. They loved each other devotedly, and she had long expected to become his wife. I told her to cheer up, I would do what I could. She was to advise me when he called that night.

“The servants were told to be in readiness to help me out of any particular difficulty. I telephoned my friend, the Chief of Police, to have a man shadow the young Romeo, to allow him to enter the house but not to leave it. Also, he must have an officer at my door at ten o’clock. In addition, I secured the services of a clerical friend for the evening.

“I stationed the police officer at the right of my library door, and told him to enter if I rang the bell three times. The clergyman hid himself in a little room on the side of my bedroom. (This was, by the way, the hottest place in the whole house.) I explained to my friend that I expected a wedding party, and wanted him to tie the knot. I had ordered good things to eat and drink to celebrate the event—for I anticipated a victory.

“The young man arrived very early, to say good-bye. Mary persuaded him to come up to speak to me also. He entered my room, carrying himself in a most flippant manner. I liked the fellow, however. Despite his self-assurance, he had an open countenance which a woman of Mary’s type could not resist.

“First, I asked his name, and he told me. As to his prospects in life, he said he expected to earn a good living at his trade, carpentering. I told him that he owed it to Mary to propose an immediate marriage. He said he would think it over.

“ ‘Well,’ said I, ‘you have exactly five minutes to think it over. You have your choice of two things, marriage or prison.’ I pulled out my watch and put it on the table beside me, and lit a fresh cigar.

“He said that he was going then, but he would let me know his decision the next day. ‘One minute,’ I said. ‘When you entered this room I locked the door and put the key in my pocket. You have now three minutes to think. In the meantime let me tell you that an indictment for housebreaking is hanging over you for entering my house, night after night. Five years in prison is the penalty for that offense. There is a police officer in the next room, waiting to take you into custody. Now, I want you and Mary to be happy. She loves you, and she is soon to be the mother of your child. She has a good home here, and I want you to share it with her. You may have the best room in the house until the family comes back. Mary will make a good wife to you. A clergyman is waiting in the next room, the servants are ready to witness your marriage, and everything is ready for a fine wedding. We can all have a big time.’

“Well, the fellow made a number of excuses, but I disposed of them all. Finally he consented to be married peaceably. I called Mary, the rest of the servants, and the minister. English Mary became a bride that night. The policeman stood up with her, and we all had a jolly time after the ceremony.

“The couple lived with us for three months before starting their own home. We left Hartford the next year, and it was not until two years later that I returned to the city. I was walking from the depot when I saw a man driving a team of spirited horses. He seemed to be gazing at me. Suddenly he drew up near me and asked: ‘Don’t you know me, Mr. Clemens? I am Frank, Mary’s husband.’ I expressed my gladness at seeing him, and inquired about Mary and the baby.

“ ‘Mr. Clemens,’ he said, ‘it was the best thing you ever did—to make me marry Mary. She has been a fine wife to me. She had a little money saved and with that she started me in business. This is my rig; I am a contractor and builder now. You must come to see us. . . As to my
family
—there was never a baby, or any suspicion of any.’ ”

Below is a list of each piece in this volume and its publication history. All works cited by an abbreviation such as
MTA
, by SLC and a date, or by NAR (
North American Review
) and an installment number are fully defined in References. The term “partial publication” indicates that the text may be merely an excerpt, or be nearly complete. Charles Neider, the editor of
The Autobiography of Mark Twain (AMT)
, reordered and recombined excerpts to such an extent that all publication in his volume is considered partial. At the end of this appendix is a list of the “Chapters from My Autobiography” published in NAR installments between 7 September 1906 and December 1907. Except for the subtitle “Random Extracts from It” (which Clemens himself enclosed in brackets), bracketed titles have been editorially supplied for works that Clemens left untitled.

[The Tennessee Land]:
MTA
, 1:3–7, partial;
AMT
, 22–24.

[Early Years in Florida, Missouri]: SLC 1922a, 274–75;
MTA
, 1:7–10;
AMT
, 1–3.

[The Grant Dictations]

The Chicago G.A.R. Festival:
MTA
, 1:13–19;
AMT
, 241–45.

[A Call with W. D. Howells on General Grant]:
MTA
, 1:24–27.

Grant and the Chinese:
MTA
, 1:20–24.

Gerhardt: previously unpublished.

About General Grant’s Memoirs:
MTA
, 1:27–57, 57–68, partial.

[The Rev. Dr. Newman]:
MTA
, 1:68–70.

The Machine Episode:
MTA
, 1:70–78, partial.

Travel-Scraps I: previously unpublished.

[Four Sketches about Vienna]

[Beauties of the German Language]:
MTA
, 1:164–66.

[Comment on Tautology and Grammar]:
MTA
, 1:172–74.

[A Group of Servants]: SLC 2009, 61–69.

[A Viennese Procession]:
MTA
, 1:166–71.

My Debut as a Literary Person: SLC 1899d; SLC 1900b, 84–127; SLC 1903a, 11–47.

Horace Greeley:
MTE
, 347–48.

Lecture-Times:
MTA
, 1:147–53, partial;
AMT
, 161, 166–69.

Ralph Keeler:
MTA
, 1:154–64;
AMT
, 161–62, 163–66.

Scraps from My Autobiography. From Chapter IX: NAR 2, 453–56, partial; NAR 17, 4–12, partial;
MTA
, 1:125–43;
AMT
, 37–43, 44–47; SLC 2004, 157–60, partial.

Scraps from My Autobiography. Private History of a Manuscript That Came to Grief:
MTA
, 1:175–89, partial.

[Reflections on a Letter and a Book]: SLC 1922c, 312–15, partial.

[Something about Doctors]: previously unpublished.

[Henry H. Rogers]:
MTA
, 1:250–56, partial.

[Anecdote of Jean]: previously unpublished.

An Early Attempt: previously unpublished.

My Autobiography [Random Extracts from It]: NAR 1, 322–30, partial; NAR 13, 449–63,
partial; SLC 1922a, 275–76, partial;
MTA
, 1:81–115, partial;
AMT
, 1, 3–21, 24–25; SLC 2004, 61–62, 97–99, partial.

The Latest Attempt:
MTA
, 1:193.

The Final (and Right) Plan: SLC 1922a, 273;
MTA
, 1:xviii.

Preface. As from the Grave (section I):
MTA
, 1:xv–xvi;
AMT
, xxviii.

Preface. As from the Grave (sections II and III): previously unpublished.

[The Florentine Dictations]

[John Hay]: NAR 12, 344–46, partial;
MTA
, 1:232–38.

Notes on “Innocents Abroad”: NAR 20, 465–71;
MTA
, 1:238–46;
AMT
, 143, 147–51.

[Robert Louis Stevenson and Thomas Bailey Aldrich]: NAR 2, 456–59;
MTA
, 1:246–50;
AMT
, 288–90.

[Villa di Quarto]:
MTA
, 1:195–232, partial;
AMT
, 314–22.

Note for the Instruction of Future Editors and Publishers of This Autobiography:
AMT
, xi.

9 January:
MTA
, 1:269–78, partial.

10 January:
MTA
, 1:278–91.

11 January: NAR 25, 481–89, partial.

12 January: NAR 16, 785–88, partial;
MTA
, 1:291–303, partial.

13 January: NAR 16, 788–92, partial;
MTA
, 1:303–12;
AMT
, 98–101.

15 January: NAR 16, 792–93, partial;
MTA
, 1:312–26, partial;
AMT
, 101–2.

16 January:
MTA
, 1:326–35.

17 January: NAR 14, 570–71, partial;
MTA
, 1:335–45, partial.

18 January:
MTA
, 1:345–50.

19 January: NAR 8, 1217–24, partial; NAR 22, 13–17, partial;
MTA
, 1:350–61, partial;
AMT
, 112–18.

23 January:
MTA
, 2:1–13, partial.

24 January:
MTA
, 2:13–23.

1 February: NAR 3, 577–80, partial;
MTA
, 2:23–33;
AMT
, 183, 185–86, 322.

2 February: NAR 3, 580–85, partial;
MTA
, 2:33–44, partial;
AMT
, 190–95, 322–24.

5 February: NAR 3, 585–89, partial;
MTA
, 2:44–59;
AMT
, 195–201.