Awake in Hell (17 page)

Chapter
Fifteen

 My
eyelids feel heavy. I can hear a lot of noise around me, people talking about
me like I’m not here.

“I
think she is coming around.”

“Gabby,
I found another bite. Can you heal this?”

“Why
was she left alone?”

My
eyes finally open and I can see Will and Gabby and Dani standing over me.

“Welcome
Back, Louise!” says Gabby with her usual cheerfulness.

I
look at her and say, “
Deedy
.”

Will
helps me sit up. “You need to get your land legs back, Louise.”

“Stop
it!” I say, angrily. “I will be fine, but I need
Deedy
,
and I need him NOW. So, if anyone here really wants to help me, get me to
Deedy
!”

Suddenly,
Deedy
is striding up behind Gabby. He comes into the
lobby, and I realize that is the first time I’ve ever seen him outside his
office. “Bring her in, people. I get the feeling Ms. Patterson has a lot to
talk about.”

Will
and Dani each take an arm and assist me in getting up. It’s amazing how sore an
imaginary body can feel. I also get very dizzy once I am on my feet. Dani holds
me steady and looks at me with sorrow, “sorry, Louise. I shouldn’t have left
you alone.”

“It’s
okay. I guess it had to be done,” I say.

“If
you only realized how much that is true,” she says with a faraway look in her
eyes.

When
we enter
Deedy’s
office, he motions to a chair. They
sit me down and
Deedy
dismisses them with a wave of
his long fingers. They leave quickly and I am alone with the man that sent me
into the tiny arms of my attackers.

“So,
let’s talk,”
Deedy
says. His smile and his eyes are
exuding kindness and complete benevolence.

“I
should be pissed at you for sending me there,” I say quietly.

“People
have hated me for much less,” he states.

“But,
I think I get it now, and I understand why I was supposed to go,” I answer.

“So,
that means, you are not mad at me?” he asks.

“I
didn’t say that. I just understand. And I remembered everything.”

“What
did you remember?” he asks

“My
darling girl,” I say to him. “Something you have known all along.”

He
just leans his chin on his hands and doesn’t respond.

“My
mother told me I was forgiven.” I say to him, almost with accusation.

“Another
thing I’ve known all along.” he responds.

“I
think I was a decent Mom, but I couldn’t have been,” I say, with new fresh
tears welling up in my eyes.

“Why
would you say that?” he asks

“How
could I have forgotten her? I left her behind. I promised her on my deathbed
that I would think of her every day and I didn’t even remember who she was!”

“So,
we are back to this.”
Deedy
says, as he opens up my
file.

“Back
to what?” I ask him heatedly.

“Do
you want to know why you didn’t remember
Dinny
or
Bobby? Or any of the later part of your life, Louise? Here it is, plain and
simple. You packed for this journey and all you brought was guilt and despair.
You, very meticulously, took out all the good in your life before your death,
and even at the last moment instead of declaring love, you made your last words
to the people who loved you an apology for your life. Do you understand how
much that breaks my heart?”

I
look at
Deedy
through big, wet eyes, “breaks your
heart?”

“Yes,
because you are my darling girl. You always have been. You are flawed, Louise.
You are smart and funny. You are rebellious and a little lazy, especially when
it comes to living up to your own potential. You are good-hearted and generous
and indiscriminate with your kindness. You recognize beauty in everyday things
and people. You are imaginative and a bit of a manipulator. You know how to
love, and be loved. You are also selfish and arrogant and foul-mouthed. You
make mistakes and you learn from them and you constantly move, striving to be
bigger than your own little life. You are amazing. You are human. You are the
fragile, yet incredibly strong example of perfection. Just as I imagined you at
the beginning of time.”
Deedy
moves from behind his
desk and stands directly in front of me. Not too close to touch, but closer than
I’ve ever been to him. Then he says six words that fill my head and heart like
rainwater in a barrel.

“You
are exactly as I created you, Louise.”

I
look up at him. In those amazing eyes.

My
Mr.
Deedy
.

My
creator.

God
himself.

So,
if you could ask God any question, what would it be? This is mine...

“Then,
why did you send me to Hell?”

Deedy
laughs softly. “Don’t you get it?
I didn’t send you to Hell, Louise. You did. You wrapped yourself up in every
sin you ever committed and held onto the shame, even when it created
overwhelming heat all around you. Even when it put a cover over your eyes so
that all you could see around you was clouded or hazy. You cannot even seek me
anymore because every time you look up, you choose to be blinded. You could not
shake it off, even as you began to remember. Those memories brought you some
comfort, but, you still couldn’t bring yourself to let go of the bad and let
the good in. Your own memories wanted you so desperately that they started to
haunt you. Begging you to be remembered, cherished, and enjoyed. Yet, every day
you chose to be blinded by your own guilt.” He gives me a sad smile. “I am not
your jailor, Louise. I am your advocate. Here to take you home.”

“So,
everyone in Hell is there because they choose to be?” I ask, remembering those
demon children. That makes me shudder once again.

“Yes.”
Deedy
starts, “Some have to be here for a very long
time before they can even start on the path that you have almost completed.
Others were part of a bigger plan and they need to understand that role before
they can seek redemption. Those souls that attacked you so brutally, they are
the ones who lived their lives in direct opposition to creation—the angels of
destruction that have to be there to make room for more achievement. Yet, they
punish themselves more than any other, seeking out a way to start over. That’s
why they not only come to Hell, but they come as children. Now they are
fulfilling a new purpose, like forcing you to remember who you really are. And
believe it or not, Louise, even they will eventually make their way back to
me.”

“So,
you just help each of us, a soul at a time, remember you?” I ask with awe.

“There
is no shepherd that will leave a single sheep behind.” he says smiling.

“Thank
you.” I say, with true and deep gratitude. “Thank you for finding me.”

As
Deedy
makes his way back behind his desk, I suddenly
realize that I have an audience with the Alpha and Omega. So, I say, “Can I ask
you some questions about life and stuff?”

He
throws his head back and laughs out loud. “Nope.” he says, “But I’m glad to see
you are back to your old self. Looks like you can handle this,” and he pushes a
sticky note across the desk.

“Another
job?” I look at him incredulously.

“Just
one more,” he says.

With
just a cursory glance at the note I see initials pop off the page and I look at
Deedy
with a steely stare. “Really? IP&FW?”

“Follow
the instructions on the note, Louise. And I hope to see you soon.”

With
that, I am dismissed from the Second Chance Temp Agency for the last time.

There
is no going back to my cramped apartment for a fit full night’s sleep filled
with dreams and haunting images. There will never be another horrific outfit
come out of my supernatural closet. Speaking of, as I walk out into the street,
I notice two things. One, my dress has been replaced with a very comfortable
night shirt. That must have happened when I was unconscious. I didn’t really
have time to process it, what with the whole discovering that my boss was
actually God and I am a Mom and other wondrous revelations like that.

Secondly,
while I am still very much in Hell, noting the buildings and the other folks I
am sharing the street with, the temperature has cooled quite a bit. It feels
like spring outside. Not too hot, not too cold. Like there is something new in
the air. I suddenly realize, that something new, is me and my eternity. I was
forgiven before I died by everyone but myself. Today, I realized how precious
forgiveness is, especially when you bestow it to yourself.

I’m
heading down a very familiar block toward IP&FW, feeling like skipping or
dancing but holding it together and walking. No need to attract more attention
than is necessary. I pass by Mrs. Barnes’ house and look in her side yard.
There she is with a watering can, watering the most beautiful garden I’ve ever
seen.

“Mrs.
Barnes! How good to see you again!” I yell out to her

“Louise?
So glad to see you!” she answers warmly. “Or to be more correct, so glad you
can see me!”

“See
you?” I ask.

“Well
dear, you have walked by here at least a dozen times since the day we met. I’ve
called out to you and tried to get your attention, but, you always walk on by.
I figured you would see me at some point,” she says kindly.

“Well,
today has been a day of discoveries, so I’m glad you and your beautiful garden
were among them,” I say. And I mean it. I am so happy that she is not in Hell
as we know it. She is in her own little version of paradise surrounded by
beautiful flowers.

“Well,
I like to help
Deedy
when I can,” she says.
“Hopefully your assistance with creating this lovely garden helped bring about
one or two of those discoveries?”

“Very
much. Thank you,” I say and lean over the fence to give her a peck on the
cheek. She returns my token of affection by kneeling and picking a single Calla
lily. “Here, Louise. My favorite flower, for you.”

I
take the flower and say my goodbyes. Wow, so
Deedy
has secret helpers who choose to live down here in order to facilitate his
bringing
souls
home. I can breathe a sigh of relief
knowing that George is probably one too. But, Bad Santa? Ugh... Probably not.

I
turn a corner and am instantly confronted with my old employer, IP&FW. I
re-read the instructions on the sticky note and put it away. I end up taking it
out again and reading it one more time. I think I’ve got it.

So,
I stand directly in front of the entrance and turn around so that the building
is at my back. Then I look across the street to the building over there. It
seems so tall and big that the entire IP&FW building is reflected on the
front of it. Then I walk across and into the door reflected by IP&FW. See
why it took three times to make sure I had it right? I am walking into a
reflection of a door!

I
walk into a brightly lit lobby and cool air hits me in the face. Cool air! Everything
is white on white. There are marble walls with sparkly bits that shimmer under
recessed lighting. The tables and desks are made of glass. Likewise there is a
huge sign over the reception area that says, WF&PI made of crystal. I stop
to wonder about that. There is a huge and incredibly soft carpet that is pure
white with a pale blue border the color of our lost sky. The border keeps the
room grounded — otherwise everything would seem to be floating. Even now it
feels like sitting on a cloud. Is this Heaven? Maybe, I’ve finally made
it.  People are walking around with smiles on their faces and wearing
normal clothes. They stop and talk and hug and laugh. It has been such a long
time since I’ve seen this kind of communal, well, Joy. This place is awesome!
Suddenly I hear a familiar voice walking through the lobby yelling, “Louise
Patterson! Louise Patterson!” I look up and see
Will
eyeing me with a wide grin and back in his monkey suit.

“Will!”
I say and run up and hug him. I hold him tight for a minute just relishing in
human contact. “So, is this what you do? Just jump from building to building
being the elevator man when you aren’t stalking me all over Hell?” I question.

“Actually,”
he starts while pushing the button on the elevator and guiding me into it, “I
go wherever you go. Or at least I did. I think this is my last assignment as,
Louise Patterson’s guardian angel.” He says, playfully and hits the 150th floor
button.

“Are
you really my Guardian Angel?” I ask, then it registers where we are headed.
“Holy shit! That is majorly high up isn’t it?” I feel a familiar panic. Has it
really been just a few days since the first time I went to the agency and had
this same reaction over 37 floors?