Awakened Desires (47 page)

“That’s what I was trying to do and you still came in to confront me!”

“Gunther, you need to step back right now!”

After a long, hard stare at her, I stepped back, jammed my hands in my pockets, and began pacing the room again. Thankfully, we had found a house with some space. I had plenty of room to stretch my legs. She was still standing by the door. I paced past her several times, then stopped in front of her.

“Do you know how hard it is to constantly be ridiculed from moment one? To constantly be told you are a nothing and a nobody? To be called names which are beaten into you so much, you believe it about yourself? To be denied the basic needs every human deserves? To be given a death sentence that will end in the ugliest of ways? To be given a position of power for it only to be used against you?
That is my life.
That is what I live. It will never be right in my head, and it will always haunt my every thought and dream.” I paused for a moment. I needed to choke back the emotion barreling its way out of my chest.

She stepped toward me. “Gunther…”

“No. Don’t. I’m not done yet.”

She backed off. “Okay. Finish then.”

“What happened this morning before we got out of bed?” I asked her, wanting to prove a point.

She looked at me, confused for a minute. “We made love?”

“Are you questioning what it was?”

“No, I just…”

“And what did you say to me?” I snarled.

“I…”

“What did you fucking say to me, Quinn?”

Tears ran from her eyes and her jaw trembled as she tried to speak. “That I love you so much, and you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, next to Carrie and Max.”

“Exactly, but I’m an idiot?! The best thing that ever happened to you is an idiot?!”

“You aren’t. I’m so sorry,” she cried. “I didn’t mean it. It’s just a meaningless word. I didn’t intend it that way. I was furious that you lied to me.” She wiped her face with the sleeve of her sweater.

“I’m not going to deny I lied, but I can tell you that ‘idiot’ is
not
meaningless to me. That word is one of many that was pounded into me. Regardless of what people say, words hurt even the strongest of individuals. I’m
weak,
so it devastates me to hear you say something like that.”

“Gunther, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say,” she muttered through her tears.

“Do you truly think I’m what you said?”

“No, I don’t.”

“They did,” I said in a harsh whisper. “They fucking did, Quinn.”

“You are not anything they said to you,” she reassured. “You are so much more than they would ever expect. You can change all of this. You can. I know it. You need to be more confident.”

I let out a sad laugh. “I’m only confident in a few things.”

“I know.” She reached for me and I didn’t push or move away. She wrapped her arms around my neck. Her loving touch was healing. The settling feeling in my body happened in an instant. “You’re brill, as you say to me all the time,” she whispered in my ear. She broke through all of my ire and distress, making me smirk just a bit. She looked into my eyes. “I would never think you were anything but. I lashed out in anger and it was a poor choice of words on my part. Please, accept my apology.”

“I accept. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t handle knowing you may have felt the same as they did…do.”

“I love you so much, but you must understand that I don’t have to love all of your choices. I want you to give some serious thought about not going through with your plan.”

“I will think about it, but I can’t guarantee I’ll change my mind.”

“That’s all I can hope for then. Just you telling me you will think about it is enough for now. I want you to work this out, Gun. I know you have it in you.”

“What if I don’t, Quinn? What if I’m not who you want me to be?”

“I don’t know, but you have to believe that you can make the commitment to be the better man. You already have proven this by your recent actions. I want you to try your damnedest to change the pending outcome. My Gunther doesn’t kill anyone without just cause. Maybe the old Gunther did, but you are no longer Roger’s puppet. You can bring a total stop to this madness.”

“I can’t guarantee anything.”

“Make me a promise that you will at least try.”

“Done.”

“Thank you,” she murmured. As I nodded, her lips brushed across mine.

To be honest, I didn’t have a good reason to kill Henry now. I only planned on killing him because Roger wanted me to. Was I still afraid of Roger’s wrath? Of course. His torturous words always ran through my head, regardless if I was awake or asleep. I would never be able to escape what he did to me. And I would never be able to escape what I did because I feared him.

-April 2015-

Over the next several months, Quinn, Josie, and I fought our way into North Carolina. The cold winter months had left us, and the mild spring temperatures had settled in. Although the weather had been terribly unpredictable, so we weren’t too certain what to expect each and every day.

There were so many roadways and areas that had been bombed. Where the road signs were missing, we relied on the onboard compass to help navigate. Not to mention the amount of undeads that we had to slaughter time and time again.

We had all lost weight, and poor Josie couldn’t spare any to begin with. Since the day I saved her at her home, she was always so gaunt and pale. Her short, dark hair had grown into a mid-length, messy style at her shoulders. She hated it and wished she could have her short, out-of-control emo hair back. I only know this because, when her hair would get in her way, she would grumble about it.

Quinn’s curvy figure, that I loved so much, had shrunk down considerably. She would purposely eat less of her rations, claiming she was full, and push whatever was left onto Josie. It worried me but, every time I pushed my food toward her, she told me she was fine. Quinn’s ribs were popping out, which scared me. I didn’t want her to get too thin and sickly. Many nights, she went to sleep with her stomach growling relentlessly, but she insisted that Josie needed to eat more than she did.

Sacrifices.

Her hair added a few more strands of gray. She said she really wished she could dye it again like she used to when life was normal. She was a little embarrassed by it, but I assured her that even if she was bald, I would still think she was the most beautiful woman to walk the earth.

It was true, though. So fucking true. I didn’t care about her gray hairs or the couple of wrinkles by her eyes. She was beautiful and amazing to me.

Our love for one another grew deeper and deeper day by day. Sometimes we would try to sneak off and grab a quickie while Josie was sleeping, but it was difficult for us to get away from the prying eyes of the teenager who frequently commented on how disgusting we were.

Josie found us in compromised positions a few times. It was a bit embarrassing for everyone, but I needed my woman. I needed her touch. I needed to be in her. We were made for one another.

I confessed to Quinn that she was the best I ever had. She was surprised by my statement, considering my checkered past, but it was true. No one felt as good to me as she did. When we made love, I connected with her on an amazing level. I never thought I would feel that way with anyone, nor did I ever look for it. I was so glad when it found me, though.

Quinn wanted to know more about Carly and the baby. There wasn’t much to tell and I didn’t want to talk about them anyway. I already told her most of it. It would always haunt me, that was for sure, but the thought of holding my own child made my heart do weird flippy-floppy things in my chest. After doing the father thing with Josie, I really wanted a child of my own. Quinn wouldn’t be able to give that to me, so I had to be satisfied with being a father figure to Josie.

I wasn’t, though, but I could never tell her I felt that way. I didn’t want her to feel inadequate in any way because she was anything but. I already knew she was absolutely crushed she couldn’t give me a child.

I still worked hard at staying physically fit, even though I had lost some mass due to the lack of nutrition. I needed to maintain my ability to kick ass. I still felt strong, though. I regularly worked out with whatever resources I had whenever we stopped. I just used the natural environment, but it worked. I was still sporting a stellar physique, although it was much smaller than before. I had to wear a belt with every pair of pants, and my shirts were a bit baggy. I hoped we would get somewhere where I could eat better and build myself back up again. I would’ve loved to be able to spend a couple hours a day working myself back up to peak physical condition.

Gas and basic supplies were hard to come by. We were desperately low on everything. A few times, we had to walk for miles to find a stray car here or there that hadn’t been blown to pieces.

We hadn’t seen too many survivors. We seemed to have been one of the few lucky ones. Although, at this point, I wasn’t even sure if we were lucky. The bombings had definitely had a huge effect on the population.

It was quite humbling to sit and just take in what the area, and most areas that we passed through, looked like—near complete decimation. Most areas were burned to the ground. There were very few trees, homes, or storefronts still standing. Everything was a shade of brown, gray, or black from all of the dirt, dust, and soot. There was hardly any green anywhere. There were some plants and trees still alive, but it was plainly obvious that it wasn’t like it used to be. It was quite depressing, actually. I missed the bright colors of nature.

There were a few houses and buildings around the area, but it was sporadic. We looted whenever and wherever we could. Even a stale box of cereal was treasured. We hit the jackpot a few times with wild animals, which were also hard to come by. The last one we got was a rogue goose. After I dressed it and cut it up, we cooked it over a nice fire. Best meal we had in a long time.

After parking in a rare small patch of woods that was still standing, I leaned back on the warm hood of the truck with a rifle in hand, admiring my love’s backside from a short distance away. I watched over Quinn and Josie while they wandered around a little, trying to find anything edible. Every time Quinn bent over, my John Thomas twitched. Then to add to my discomfort, she would look back at me and blow me a flirty kiss.

“Jesus Christ…you tease,” I grumbled with a satisfied grin. One more second of her teasing and I would have carried her off somewhere like a bloody caveman. “Find anything yet?!” I shouted at them. Sharp pains lingered in my abdomen, but I refused to tell Quinn. I was sure it was just a lack of food…I hoped. I was refusing large quantities from both of them because they weren’t getting enough nutrition.

“Nope,” Quinn said. There wasn’t a bird, rodent, or bug anywhere.

I sighed and wondered how the rest of the States looked. I suspect it was quite similar, unless the military formed a wall. Visualizing true dead bodies stacked like sandbags forming a wall across the States made me shudder.

I refocused my attention back on my girls. Quinn came across a patch of ground that looked to be oddly disturbed. Josie just about walked over it when Quinn grabbed her hand. Noting their skittish reaction, I hopped down off of the truck and jogged toward them. Quinn pointed at the ground. I signaled for them to back off.

I knelt down at the edge of the disturbance and brushed away the dirt and dead leaves. I smirked. An underground bunker. Brill. I stood up and walked over to where Quinn and Josie were standing.

“It’s a bunker. I want you to raise the lid, then jump back, just in case.”

“Are you sure? We should just leave it. What if someone is down there?”

“What if there is food down there? I don’t know about you, Quinn, but I’m fucking hungry as hell.”

She sighed. I knew she was just as hungry as I was. Her fatigued set eyes worried me. “Okay.” The nerves rattled her.

I dug down into the pocket of my dingy, tan cargo pants and pulled the out the keys of the truck. I grabbed Josie’s hand, palm up, set the keys in it, and curled her reluctant fingers around them.

“If anything happens, you get in that truck and drive as far as you can and don’t come back. Am I clear?” Josie gave me one quick nod, the tears building up in her eyes. She had said before that she couldn’t imagine a day without Quinn and me. We felt the same about her.

With my thumb, I brushed the smudge of grime off of her sunken cheek and half-smiled at her. Tears tracked down her face. As I started to turn, she grabbed me and hugged me as tight as she could. I returned her embrace, holding her for a moment. “Don’t do that. It’s going to be fine,” I soothed as I stroked her hair. She broke away and grabbed Quinn. It was plainly obvious that Quinn looked at Josie like her own daughter. Her love was unyielding for the two of us.

Quinn wrapped her shaking fingers around the small metal ring that was attached to the metal plate in the door. I held up one finger, two, then I positioned myself over the lid. I exhaled, settling my nerves and rolled my neck. I readied the rifle at my shoulder, finger hovering over the trigger, and nodded at Quinn.

With a fierce yank, the lid came up and she jumped back. I stood over the dark cavity in the earth, aiming the rifle. Out of the darkness, I was met with four pairs of frightened eyes.

“Please…don’t shoot!” the woman cried out.

As I kept my gun trained on the entrance, I realized that three of those sets of eyes belonged to children. “Are you alone?” I questioned in a harsh voice.

“Yes. Please, don’t hurt us. My husband left to go find us more supplies, but he never came back.” I wasn’t sure if I should trust her, but she did seem to be in a bit of a panic.

“Do you mind if we come down and take a look?”

“Absolutely not! I don’t want any harm to come to my children.”

“I have no intentions of harming a hair on any of their heads. I assure you.”

The woman’s eyes were familiar—tired and worried, much like Quinn’s. She didn’t strike me as too old, but was wise beyond her years.

Quinn decided to step up to see if she could persuade her. She greeted the scared woman with a warm smile. “Hello, hon. I’m Quinn.” The woman’s skeptical eyes ticked back and forth between us. “If you want, I will come down unarmed.”

“No, you won’t!” I barked at Quinn.
What the fuck is she thinking?

“They aren’t going to trust us if we are too forceful,” Quinn countered.

“Someone may be hidden down there, ready to kill. I will go.” I handed Quinn the rifle. “If anything happens, you and Josie take off. No questions. Just go.” I kissed her on the cheek. “Love you.”

“Love you, too, but I don’t like this.”

I sat down, took one last look at Quinn, and dropped down into the giant hole. As I did, the obviously petrified woman pushed her kids behind her and against the earthen wall. “I swear to you, it’s just the four of us. Don’t hurt us, please.”

“I don’t plan on it. I would just feel more comfortable if I could take a look around. Please, don’t fear me. I have no intentions of harming you or your children, nor do we want to take any of your supplies.” I was sincere. I would never harm a child again.

“Okay, I guess. Follow me.”

She walked around the bunker with me. It was pretty much just a large metal shipping container with shelves and loft beds toward the back. There was a small sitting area that doubled as a place to eat.

As I circled the unit, I asked, “Are you doing okay with food and water?”

“We are just about out.” She was distraught. “My husband left a couple weeks ago and hasn’t returned.”

“I can tell you that there isn’t much out there…supplies, people, or otherwise.”

She leaned in and softly said, “I figured either one of those things got him or it was the bombings.” Two of her kids were huddled together, carefully watching me. Cute little cheeky monkeys. The youngest was wrapped around her mother like a peel on a banana, frightened to pieces.

“I’m sorry,” I said remorsefully. Every time I saw eyes full of fear and hunger, I felt so goddamn remorseful for my actions. “Do you have any weapons?”

“Just this one knife.” She pulled a two-inch blade out of her back pocket. “We were still trying to prepare the bunker when this whole thing began.”

I nodded. “Would you like to come out? We have been out here for a couple hours and haven’t seen anything.”

She looked around at her kids. “Yeah, I think so. They could use a few minutes of sunlight.” She pushed the kids forward and we all walked to the opening.

“I will go up first and help hoist everyone out.”

“Thank you. I didn’t catch your name?”

“Gunther. Gunther Erikkson.”

“Thank you, Gunther.” I smiled, then pulled myself out of the hole in one swift move. I cringed, feeling my abdomen protest. The pangs I was having were making me think it was more a lack of blood than food.

Josie was standing with Quinn, peeking down the hole at the kids. I lay on the ground and reached down. There was a ladder to climb up, but it was more like a stepstool. “Take my hand, little love.” I reached down, but the young lass was hesitant. With a little encouragement from her mother, she allowed me to pull her up. I pulled up the other two children, then helped the mother out. She immediately picked up the youngest lass.

Now that I could see the family properly, the mother’s long and wavy dirty blonde hair was loosely pulled back. Her clothes were just as filthy, if not worse, as the kids’. They were a sad looking bunch. The kids were unkempt and far too slim, but cute as hell.

“Thank you,” she said as the kids nervously gathered around her legs. Quinn went back to the truck and pulled out some blankets.

Josie knelt down in front of the oldest lass and held out her hand. “Hi, beautiful. I’m Josie Patterson. What’s your name?”

She looked back at her mother, who nodded. “Kate,” she whispered.

“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Kate. I’m eighteen. How old are you?”

“I’m nine.” Josie smiled at Kate. She touched her nose gently and Kate smiled.

“I’m Silas and I’m five!” The little lad was excited to talk to Josie. I got the feeling he was excited to talk to anyone. I had to chuckle.

“Calm down, Si,” his mum scolded. “Don’t scare the nice girl.”

Josie laughed. “Someone this cute couldn’t possibly scare me.” Josie tousled his brown curly mop.

“Oh, you have no idea. He can be a little too forward at times. This is my youngest, Callie. Say hello to the nice people, Callie.” She turned her head into her mother’s chest. “She just turned two and is quite the shy one around strangers. I’m Cora Mitchell, by the way.” She held out her free hand. Quinn took it into her own.

“They are absolutely precious,” Quinn said with a stunning smile. She was glowing as she looked at the children. It made my heart ache a bit, though. I wished I could see that look on her face with a child of our own. I could only imagine how stunning she would be.

“Is she yours?” Cora asked me as she pointed at Josie.

“Yes. Well, no…not biologically.” I smiled at Josie. “I rescued her and she has been ours ever since. Love her like my own, though.” Josie blushed.

“Are you two married?” Cora asked Quinn.

“No. We’re together, though.” Quinn firmly wrapped her arm around my waist. I loved it when she touched me. It made every nerve ending stand at attention.

“Gotcha,” Cora said. “Are you heading anywhere in particular?”

“Here, actually. I had a pre-planned gathering near here and I was hoping they would be around. It was a crap shoot. Didn’t have anything to lose by traveling the distance.” I turned away and stood with my hands on my hips, looking off down the dusty road.

Cora looked at me curiously. “From which direction did you come?” I jerked my thumb behind me. “My house is that way. Peter and I own the land from here to about two miles back.” I looked down the road and I distinctly remembered seeing a house burnt to the ground shortly before we pulled up to this area.

“I can drive you back that way, if you like,” I offered. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, but maybe she needed to see what she was facing.

Cora’s face lit up. “I would like that. Maybe my husband is there.” I didn’t want to break the news to her. She needed to see for herself.

“Everyone…pile in,” I muttered. I glanced over at Quinn. The grim look in my eyes told her exactly what I was thinking. She threw me a single nod and got into the truck.

We drove the two miles and pulled up to what used to be Cora and Peter’s home. You could hear a pin drop in the truck. Cora handed an unwilling Callie over to Josie, who was surprised to find herself holding the toddler, considering we had only known one another for less than ten minutes.

“I need to go look.” Her voice shook with every word and every breath.

I scrubbed my bearded face. “Christ,” I mumbled into my hands. I popped open the door.

“I’ll go with you,” Quinn volunteered.

They both stepped out of the truck. She took Cora’s hand as they made their way toward where the front door used to be. There wasn’t much left. The strong odor of melted plastic and burnt electrical tickled our noses. There were a few stray pieces of lumber standing in place, but they were completely charred.

When shit like that hit on a personal level, it crushed me. My heart felt like it was in a vice again. I pushed my big palm into my chest with the hope of relieving the pain I felt.

It was a useless action.

Cora’s face showed absolute devastation. “I knew this could happen…but I never imagined it would.” She looked at Quinn. “What am I going to do? We can’t live in that bunker. It was just supposed to be temporary. And with no Peter…” Quinn wrapped her arm around Cora’s shoulders. Tears ran down Cora’s dirt smudged cheeks.

“I am
so
sorry this happened to you and your family.” Quinn forced herself to stay strong. It proved to be difficult because she knew her home back in Atlanta must have looked the same. She never asked Gunther to take her back to her house because she couldn’t bear to see it, especially knowing Carrie and Max lay dead in the backyard.

Cora began walking around the perimeter of her home, stopping at the back left corner. Quinn heard the truck door close and looked behind her. Gunther was walking around, surveying the area with rifle in hand. She looked back at Cora, realizing she was lost in thought.

Cora stood and stared at what remained of her house. Her body trembled. She thought back to when she and Peter first saw the house about ten years prior to the outbreak.

-September 2004-

Rena Van Camp pulled her shiny new Toyota Avalon into the driveway. She pulled the listing information out of the manila folder before she opened the car door.

“Okay. This one has a lot of land. According to the provided map, it goes down the road about two miles that way and the same running back.” Rena pointed to her left and then forward.

“And why is it up for sale?” Cora asked.

Rena pulled the paperclip off and flipped through paperwork. “It says here that the owner passed away.”

“Not in the house, I hope!” Cora chuckled.

“No. Thankfully,” Rena replied, smiling.

“Well, you want to take a peek, Cora?” Peter asked from the back seat. He seemed excited. His dark brown, curly hair bounced as he spoke.

“Yeah. I like the idea of all the land, and the barn seems nice, too. We could really do what we want here.”

Peter hopped out of the car and opened the passenger door for his new bride, who was very pregnant with their first child. Holding his hand, Cora slid to the edge of the seat. She took a moment to breathe before Peter helped her stand.

“Everything all right, sweetheart?” Peter’s eyes darted around her body.

“Yes. I’m just tired.” She smiled at him. He held her steady as they walked toward the house.

Peter glanced at Rena. “We will make this the last one for the day then.”

Nodding, Rena unlocked the front door. As soon as they walked in, Peter said it was perfect. Cora laughed. He was always so enthusiastic about everything. The house was dated and needed remodeling, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. After they examined the house thoroughly, they put in an offer right then and there. It was perfect for them and their soon-to-be family of three. The month after they moved in, Kate was born.

-April 2015-

Cora took a deep breath and shuddered. “Our bedroom was right here on the second floor. I gave birth to all three of my babies in there.” Cora wiped her face with the sleeve of her tattered sweater. “I guess we just have to move on.” Cora cleared her throat, trying to push back her emotions. She had to be strong for her children.

“It will be difficult.” Quinn’s words were quiet and sullen.

“Did you lose anybody?” Cora asked as she turned away from the charred remains of the house.

“Yes. My daughter, my grandson…and my husband.”

“I thought…” Cora glanced back at Gunther, who was still watching their surroundings.

“It took me a long time before I realized James wasn’t coming back, and Gunther has been there for me one hundred and ten percent. I fell in love with him.”

Cora understood. She turned and faced her home again, letting out a rattled breath. “I don’t know what to do,” she said listlessly, staring at what used to be her home.

“Let me talk to Gunther and see what his plans are.” Cora nodded.

Quinn and Cora walked back to the truck and Cora slipped into the back without a sound. Quinn grabbed me and guided me toward the fence. “What do you plan on doing?” she asked.