AWAKENING THE SHY MISS (18 page)

Chapter Twenty-Two

E
vie stomped down the long road home, fuelled by the adrenaline of their quarrel. It was hard to believe she’d ever liked Andrew or that she’d ever wanted his attention. Saying the words out loud to his face had felt good, empowering. It had been a chance to own the conclusions she’d reached in her mind, a final purging.

The infatuation of her girlhood was finished. From the distance of her adoration, Andrew had appeared perfect, but up close he had revealed his flaws. Everyone had flaws, but she could not live with
his
. Andrew did not wear jealousy well. She wasn’t even convinced he was jealous over
her
, although he’d certainly tried to justify his behaviour along that line. He was merely jealous of Dimitri, of anything Dimitri had.

Knowing that made his kiss all the worse. He hadn’t wanted to prove himself to her, he’d wanted to punish Dimitri. She wiped a hand across her mouth again as if this time she could erase those terrible moments, his mouth crashing down on her, hard and unforgiving, his tongue pushing its way into her mouth, Andrew giving no heed to the shove of her hands on his chest. Her attempts to thwart him had been useless. That kiss had been nothing like Dimitri’s. It had been forced upon her and there had been very little she could have done about it.
That
frightened her. The kiss had been unwanted, but she’d been helpless to prevent it.

Evie had to stop. She was starting to shake now that the moment and the adrenaline had passed, now that the full import of what Andrew had done sank in. What if he tried something like that again? What if he tried more than that? Evie drew deep breaths and pressed a steadying hand to her stomach. Surely she was exaggerating the situation now. Andrew had been angry. She had provoked him.

No. She would not make excuses for him any more. She’d not realised until now how often she’d done that in the past. She’d excused his behaviour at the lecture, she’d excused his tendency to overlook her presence on countless occasions. Now, she was excusing his entirely inappropriate behaviour. No more. What he’d done to her in the past, what he’d done to her today, was all of a same piece. She would not allow it any more. It didn’t matter if a girl was plain or pretty, it simply wasn’t appropriate to treat people with the disregard he’d shown her. Dimitri had shown her the utmost courtesy. Always.

Thinking about that gave her strength. She started walking again, her shaking under control. It did make her wonder what had brought on Andrew’s rather sudden change of heart. Was it solely Dimitri’s interest in her that had sparked Andrew’s competitive nature or something else? Andrew paid attention to people who could do things for him. What could she do for him? She could draw and she had. She had made him a copy of nearly every drawing she’d done for Dimitri’s collection. A cold pit formed in her stomach. Why did he really want her drawings?

Down the road, coming towards her on foot was a tall figure walking rapidly. Evie stiffened, understanding more completely the danger Andrew’s tirade had put her in. He’d made her a woman alone on a road in the gathering dark. The figure neared and she recognised him. Dimitri! He must have recognised her too! He began to run.

She was in his arms, his embrace tight, his lips in her hair as he muttered half-sentences. ‘Evie, what are you doing out here? I was so worried.’

‘Andrew drove me into town to order the invitations.’ She didn’t want to leave his arms. She held him close too. This was what she wanted to remember: how safe she felt.

‘He left you there?’ Incredulity marked Dimitri’s response. He stepped back, looking her in the eye. ‘Evie, what
happened
?’

‘He kissed me. He was angry...’ She barely got the words out before Dimitri swore.

‘That bastard! He had no right to take his anger out on you.’ His dark eyes were a mixture of storm and regret. ‘I am sorry, Evie. This is all my fault.’

‘I saw the bruise.’ She tried for a smile. She didn’t want Dimitri going after Andrew for this. It would only make things worse.

‘He insulted you. I should have known he wouldn’t let this lie.’ He pulled her close again and she breathed in the vanilla of his soap. ‘I don’t think Andrew should drive you home any more.’

They started walking. She could enjoy the evening now that she was with him. ‘What were you doing out looking for me?’

Dimitri smiled. ‘I didn’t get to say goodbye, today. I went over to your parents, but they told me you weren’t home yet. I knew you should have been. They’d thought you were working late with me. That’s when I knew something wasn’t right.’

‘I’m glad you came.’ The lights of her house came into view, the long walk was suddenly too short. ‘Will you come in?’ They’d be with her parents. She wanted far more than that. She wanted to lie in the dark with him, wanted to find the pleasure again that could erase her earlier troubles. There would be no chance to be alone but it was the best she could do.

‘For a short while only.’ Dimitri paused. ‘I have some thinking to do. But, Evie...?’

‘Yes?’ She was almost breathless, sensing he was about to say something important.

‘Tomorrow. We’ll be together tomorrow. I’ll find a way.’

* * *

I’ll find a way
. The words became his motto throughout the sleepless night. He’d find a way tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Somehow, he’d find a way. If tonight had shown him one thing, it was that he could not leave her here to be the victim of Andrew’s anger, anger that wasn’t entirely directed at her. But she would be the one who would pay. It had torn his guts out to see Evie on that road tonight, a perfect victim for whoever came along. It didn’t matter this was Little Westbury. There was still crime. His own temper rose to think Andrew had simply left her to find her own way home when the blackguard knew very well what could happen to her. More than that, his determination wasn’t only about protecting Evie. He wasn’t entirely that self-sacrificing. He wanted her with him, wherever that was.

Dimitri didn’t even bother going to bed. He sat on the divan, feet up on the low table, vodka in one hand. There had to be an answer and after what had happened to Evie, he was more determined than ever to find it.

He tried out the ‘what ifs’. What if he didn’t have to give up the title? What if there was no peace to risk, what if Anna-Maria didn’t have to marry? There was no help there. The peace was at stake and that meant there had to be a marriage. But did it have to be Anna-Maria’s or his? Perhaps he’d been thinking dichotomously for too long.

He tried it out: What if another marriage secured the peace? What if someone married Ayfer in his place? Then Anna-Maria would be safe. The nation would be safe. He would be free to make his own choices, to choose Evie. But who? This was the impossible part. There were no other males. His older brother, Grigori, was already married. His father was too old, too devoted to his mother’s memory to marry again and start a second family in his mid-sixties. There was, however, Cousin Yulian—desperately desirous to do his duty for the state.

Dimitri leaned forward, coming fully upright. Yulian
was
family, even if only a distant second cousin. Still, Ayfer would be marrying into the house of Petrovich and that was the whole point of the exercise. Kuban would be honouring its agreement with the sultan. It hardly mattered who the groom was, as long as Ayfer’s father was assured his daughter married equal to her station. Her honour would be intact with marriage to Yulian. Dimitri would ensure it. He would turn over his summer palace, his royal apartments at court to Yulian, who would positively drool on himself at such luxury. A wife, wealth, status at court now as a married man. Yulian would be beside himself.
If
his father could arrange it without harm to himself or Anna-Maria.

That was the only concern that remained. He didn’t want there to be retribution. He didn’t want his father and Anna-Maria or Grigori and his precious children to pay for his decision. The only way he could ensure that was if they were here, or if they renounced him along with the rest of the royal court.

Those were serious considerations indeed. Renouncing meant he would no longer be considered part of their family. It would be their only choice if they didn’t renounce their own lives. It was one thing to ask oneself to give up one’s life entirely. It was not something he could ask someone else to do for him or because of him.

All of this had to be handled with great care. His father would be initially disappointed in him. He’d gone and fallen in love and implicated the family in his romance. If he went forward with his idea, he’d need the help of each of his friends. He could not accomplish this alone. This would be a joint effort. He had to be sure.

A yawn surprised him and for the first time since he’d taken Evie to bed, Dimitri thought he might sleep. There was peace to be had. Tonight, he had a possible solution. He’d sleep on it and see how it looked in the morning light. Just maybe, he’d found a way to claim the life he wanted, the woman he wanted. It was risky, but it was worth it. Evie was worth it.

* * *

Evie Milham wasn’t worth it! Andrew downed another brandy and glared into the fire. It had been chilly enough tonight to light a fireplace after months of summer. But the homey comfort of the flames had done nothing to soothe his temper. She’d scorned him! He didn’t want her, but it did gall that she didn’t want him. Who was she to resist such a handsome man as himself? A man who had his pick of girls. He was done with her. He had enough drawings now to complete his contract with a London publisher who had signed on to put out a book regarding the site. With luck, the book would be ready to unveil at the gala. Wouldn’t she be surprised to see her drawings in a book with his name on the cover? Hopefully, the surprise would render her speechless because there wouldn’t be anything she could do about it.

He’d submitted all the catalogue entries too as captions to explain the drawings. All he’d written was the introduction that gave a brief history of the site and some background on Lucius Artorious, most of which he’d borrowed from the two-page entry Dimitri had. Andrew preferred to take the most amount of credit for the least amount of work possible. Debuting the book at the gala would make it impossible for Dimitri or Evie to contest its legitimacy. Meanwhile, he would have a tidy sum of money stashed away in his accounts for very little effort. His interest in Evie remained purely financial. She’d been good for business. Now, she’d become a liability, a problem to manage and managed she would be. When this was over, Evie Milham would wonder why she’d ever risked stepping into the light. Wallflowers weren’t meant to blossom. The best part was, it was the Prince who’d dealt her the death blow. Whatever he or Cecilia did would merely be the aftermath.

Chapter Twenty-Three

F
inding a way to be together turned out to be easier than finding a way to tell Evie about his plans. At first, it didn’t matter. It only mattered that they spent their precious time together. After all, there was plenty of time to discuss the details of his plan. They’d taken to picnics during the lunch break, going off beyond the rim of trees to find privacy in the crisp, early autumn afternoons. There were afternoon teas that provided a chance to go over artefacts and gala plans in private. He’d become infinitely creative at getting Evie alone, at loving her furtively in the out of doors on blankets beneath blue autumn skies or covertly in the silken depths of his pavilion.

But secrecy did not become him. He didn’t want to hide Evie. He wanted to shout to the world that he loved her, that he wanted her. But how could he shout it to the world when he couldn’t find the words to tell her? Soon, he told himself. Soon, he would tell her his plan. Soon, he would put that plan into motion with her approval and yet he put it off. Each day brought a certain joy, a certain pleasure that he didn’t want to destroy with talk of the uncertain future and he put that difficult discussion off until ‘soon’ was ‘now’. The gala was tomorrow. He had run out of time.

Perhaps Evie sensed it too. He was scheduled to leave the week after the gala. Only he wouldn’t be leaving, not if he had his way. But Evie didn’t know that. Her desperation seeped out in her lovemaking as the gala inched closer. There was a frantic quality to her kisses, a recklessness to her release. Today, she sat him astride, her skirts rucked up, her hair down, sated from their latest bout of outdoor lovemaking, while her blue eyes burned with a pensive breed of satisfaction.

‘A penny for your thoughts.’ He reached a hand out to touch her hair. He knew what was on her mind. It was on his mind as well. Perhaps it had been right to wait this long and let her be the one who brought up the subject.

‘Save your money. You don’t want to hear these thoughts, not on a beautiful day like this.’

He levered up on his elbows, careful not to dislodge her from her erotic position. ‘We have to talk about it, Evie.’

Her eyes sparkled, starting to water. ‘I knew you were going to leave. I knew this wouldn’t last. I knew I was going to fall for you, that I couldn’t stop myself and it was going to hurt when I landed.’ She gave a sad smile that broke his heart. ‘If I knew, why does it still hurt? Why can’t I just accept that all is true and move on? Every time I’m with you I have to learn to lose you all over again.’ She made a fist and pounded it on his chest.

She loved him. He knew she did, of course. Evie would never give herself lightly. In spite of all he couldn’t offer her, she’d fallen anyway. He was so unworthy of her affections and yet he’d so readily craved them, needed them. Dimitri captured her hand. He did not want her to cry over him, over anything. His Evie deserved only happiness. It was time to give that to her. The thought gave him courage. ‘Evie, will you walk with me?’ He’d brought her here for a reason. There was a little valley he wanted to show her.

‘It’s pretty out here.’ Evie made small talk to fill the silence, but she was nervous too, no doubt wondering what they were doing and how it fit into the discussion they were both so desperate to have and yet had avoided.

‘I’m glad you think so.’ Dimitri drew a breath. Very soon there would be no going back. His heart was starting to pound with excitement—he’d had enough time to think about it, he didn’t want to go back, only forward into this new life he was building—but also with trepidation. What would Evie think? ‘Close your eyes, Evie.’ He covered her eyes with his hands and led her to the edge of the hill. ‘Now, look!’

He waited, seeing the valley below them through her eyes: the tall green grass, the sturdy, brick manse with its outbuildings and barn, the paddocks for the horses, the road leading to the drive. To his eye, it looked like a place that could be home, a place that would do a country gentleman of some means proud, not unlike Evie’s home. ‘The property is for sale. The couple who live there are elderly and looking to move in with their daughter.’ He’d found time to make enquiries, to make an offer.

‘It’s a nice property, too big for a couple. It’s made for children. That tree needs a swing.’ Evie smiled, but it was a questioning smile. She was unsure what to make of this.

‘I am hoping it’s made for us and our children, Evie.’ The words were out before he could take them back. This wasn’t the order of conversation he’d imagined in his mind. He’d thought to work up to that slowly, telling her first about his plan and then asking her to marry him.

Evie stared. Apparently, she hadn’t thought the conversation was supposed to head this direction either. ‘You’re leaving.’ They were both feeling their way off script now.

‘I’ve decided not to go.’ He wanted her to look at him, but she refused, keeping her gaze staunchly on the smoke curling out of the chimney in the distance.

‘You cannot decide that. Your sister needs you. Your family needs you.’ Her voice was flat, her face stoic. She said the phrases as if they’d been a silent litany she’d carried with her and repeated as needed over the past weeks.

‘I have a plan for that. I meant to start with it, but I got a little ahead of myself.’ He gave a chuckle but she didn’t smile. Oh, God, how he wanted Evie to smile. He’d give his kingdom for that smile if he hadn’t already decided to give it up for something far more worthy. ‘I’m going to renounce my title.’ She did look at him then, but not with a smile. The look on her face was one of abject horror.

* * *

Good God, he thought to renounce his title for her! Disbelief coursed through her as the world reeled. Now she knew why Cinderella had bolted; the poor girl had seen something in the Prince’s eyes that scared her—something that resembled for ever and the determination to make it happen at all costs. That was exactly what Evie had seen in Dimitri’s eyes.

Everything became surreal in those moments. She’d been wrong. Dimitri leaving wasn’t the real nightmare.
This
was the real nightmare, the part where romance turned into hatred. He was doing this for love, but he would come to hate her for it. Some day he’d realise how foolish he’d been. He had everything to go back for and no reason to stay except her. She did not want to be that reason. Her own mother had counselled her against such rashness, that love didn’t last. There had to be something more to base a life on together. When that love died, he would despise her and then the nightmare would begin—knowing the man she loved hated her. That would be even worse than Andrew’s rude neglect.

She found a few, simple words. ‘No. I can’t allow that.’ Her mind was racing. It was almost too much to take in and yet she had to reason with him, help him to see the error of his choice. ‘Your sister, your family, they need you to return.’ But she’d already said that. She needed something new. ‘Don’t renounce. I will go to Kuban with you. Then you can have the best of both worlds—we can be together and you don’t have to give up your country and your sister will be safe.’

It was his turn to stare. Is that what her face had looked like a few moments earlier? ‘I can’t go back, Evie. It’s more complicated than that,’ he said quietly, taking her hand and clutching it tight. ‘I should have told you earlier. I just didn’t think it would matter. If I go back, there’s a woman I am expected to marry.’

The hillside might as well have collapsed beneath her. She could hardly breathe from the shock of it. Dimitri engaged! Promised to another and he’d known the whole time, when he’d kissed her, when they’d made love. Should she be devastated or angry?

‘I know what you’re thinking.’

That
made her angry. ‘How could you possibly know?
I
don’t even know!’ She walked away from him. Maybe distance would help her think. She should have listened to Andrew. Hadn’t he tried to warn her? Hadn’t he said there was another reason Dimitri wouldn’t marry her? In her naïvety she’d not thought it would be another woman.

Dimitri was behind her, his voice tenacious and low, and her own perverse curiosity didn’t want to miss a word. ‘Please let me explain about Ayfer.’ Oh, heavens, that made it worse. The woman had a name. He didn’t wait for an answer, perhaps he was smart enough to know she wasn’t going to give him one.

‘She’s a sultan’s daughter. The marriage is meant to keep the peace on the border. If I don’t marry her, Anna-Maria will have to marry the sultan’s son. I told you most of this before.’ Except for the one thing that mattered. He didn’t just have to return to save his sister, he had to marry.

Dimitri was still talking, still explaining. ‘I’ve never met her. This was negotiated as part of a treaty put together by the sultan’s representatives and my King. I understand there’s some sort of backwards irony, that to save my sister from an arranged marriage to a stranger who will take her away from her country and her faith, I am condemning another woman to the same fate by marrying me, but the ends justify the means.’

Of course he would and that was why she couldn’t stay mad at him. She could only be hurt by the insurmountable impossibility of being with him. She had offered him all she could offer, to go with him, and it wasn’t enough.
Couldn’t
be enough. All that would go to Kuban with Dimitri when he left was the small tapestry she’d finished last night.

‘I told you I have a plan,’ Dimitri said with quiet fierceness. He was going to be listened to. ‘I have a cousin, Yulian, who I believe will marry the sultan’s daughter in my place. I will renounce all claims to any wealth I possess that is tied to the state and turn it over to him.’

Against her will, Evie asked, ‘And your family? What happens to them?’ She couldn’t imagine the kingdom accepting Dimitri’s resignation blithely and going on its happy way.

‘They can renounce me and affirm their loyalty to the crown and all will be well.’

‘And you will never see them again,’ Evie supplied, the last of her anger seeping away, replaced by great sadness for him, that this brave man should have to face such a decision. Even more it saddened her that he’d had to puzzle out such a decision alone, so far from home.

‘I am willing to accept it if that is what happens.’ She couldn’t imagine never seeing her mother, her father, her sisters, her baby nephew. ‘That might have been your fate had you come to Kuban,’ Dimitri argued softly. ‘It’s not fair that you should be willing to give that up, but not allow me to do the same.’

She turned then to look at him finally and whispered the great fear that had burst open in her when he’d laid out his plan. ‘You will come to hate me.’ She pressed two fingers to his lips, those beautiful lips she’d kissed countless times in the last weeks. ‘I know you don’t think so now. But in time, you will. I can’t live with that.’ Then came the great truth that accompanied her great fear. ‘I am not worth it.’

‘Will it make you feel better to know this isn’t only about you? It’s about me in the same way that I hope your decision to give up Andrew wasn’t about me, but about you deciding he wasn’t the one regardless of who or what waited for you. Long before I loved you, Evie, I’d been looking for a way out, wondering if it was possible to escape my fate and live my own life. This is what I want.’ Dimitri tipped her chin up to meet his gaze. ‘As for the question, are you worth it? Yes, you are. You’ve always been worth it. London doesn’t know what they’ve been missing. But I do. I see the real you, Evie, and I love her. I love
you
.’

He was not making it better and he certainly wasn’t making any of this easier. ‘You weren’t supposed to.’

Dimitri smiled. ‘I know. You like people at a distance, people who are unattainable. That way you aren’t disappointed, you don’t have to risk anything. But I made you risk everything and that has had you reeling since day one.’

A smile stole across her face in spite of her best efforts. Perhaps she did do that. Distance made it easier to see the best in them. ‘I’m not sure I like having myself explained to me.’ She was seriously weakening. She was starting to believe happiness was within her reach if she would just close her fingers over it.

Dimitri held her hands against his chest, his eyes locking with hers. ‘I’ve made my choice for our future. Now, you have to make yours. I am asking you to marry me, to live with me in that house down there and raise a family with me, study history with me and make love with me every night until we’re too old, and can only make love on Sundays.’

Evie laughed. ‘Only Sundays?’ And then, because she could deny him nothing, and because it was nice to believe for a moment that it all could come true, Evie said, ‘Yes.’ But in her heart, she knew what she had to do even as he kissed her.
She
had to be the one to leave. Already a plan was unfolding. She’d go after the gala. She’d visit Bea and May up north. Then, Dimitri would have no reason to stay. He could return home and make good on his promises. She had two days left and then she had to let him go because he loved her and she loved him. Too much, it seemed. She kissed him hard. She’d always believed people in love belonged together, but now she saw she was wrong. Sometimes you had to love someone enough to give them up.

She loved Dimitri enough.