Baby Blues and Wedding Shoes (15 page)

Maggie and Helen both nodded,
mesmerised by the sight on the screen. Twins.

Helen wasn’t sure what to feel.
Relief that her baby, her babies, were fine washed over her. At the
same time something else took root and grew at a terrible pace
until it was wrapped around her lungs, starving her of oxygen.

As the midwife left the room to
call the next expectant mother, Helen felt herself sinking.

“Mum.” Her voice was so faint
her mum didn’t hear. She tried again. “Mum!
Twins
? How am I
going to cope with twins? Oh my god. I should be sharing this with
Daniel, he should be looking after me, they are
our
children. I miss him so much, Mum. What am I going to do?”

With that, she put her hands
over her eyes and wept.

The apartment seemed minute when
they arrived back later. Helen looked around what used to be her
sanctuary and tried to imagine bringing two babies up in the tiny
space. She couldn’t imagine it. Instead her mind reverberated with
one word, over and over.
Twins. Twins. Twins!
She wanted to
call Daniel, tell him the news. She wondered if it would change his
mind. Maybe she should send him a copy of the scan picture in the
post?

What am I thinking? I don’t
want him back, no matter how terrified I am at the thought of
caring for twins by myself
.

She desperately wanted to
believe her own thoughts but they rang false in her mind. At that
moment even a total bastard of a partner seemed better than no
partner at all.

Helen could tell her mother was
biting her tongue, wanting to offer advice but not sure how best to
comfort her daughter. She knew, too, that her mother would probably
advise her to move back to Devon, and prayed she wouldn’t. She
couldn’t think about that now.

She had only been back in her
apartment for a couple of days; she had a freelance job to go to in
the morning, her first paying job since the magazine cover. Just
when she thought she had found her feet, they had been bowled from
underneath her again.

It feels like the universe is
having a mighty laugh at my expense and I’m getting sick of it.

It was difficult to avoid each
other in the tiny apartment. Maggie went out on the excuse of
buying food for dinner, leaving Helen to consider things by
herself. She tried to remember Dawn’s words.

Strength will come
.

She thought she had found
strength. She’d dragged herself around a dozen and more publishing
houses, touting her wares. After two terrible weeks of rejections
finally one place, Aspiration Publications, had offered her a trial
job on a reduced rate.

They’d all told her the same
thing – one lucky shot didn’t make a photographer. She had no real
portfolio for them to judge her on, only the shots she’d taken on
her course. She was lucky to be given a trial and suspected it had
more to do with Derek’s references than her own talent. And now all
she wanted to do was curl up in the corner and cry.

“It’s not fair!” she yelled
into the silent apartment. She slammed the bathroom door and kicked
away some shoes lying in the hallway. Finally she threw herself
full length on the bed and succumbed to a fresh wave of tears.
If I don’t stop crying soon,
she thought humourlessly,
I’m going to drown.

When her mother called her from
the bedroom that evening, urging her to eat, Helen felt drained and
hollow. It was a struggle to think about food but she knew the
babies needed the calories, even if she wasn’t hungry. Heaving a
sigh she dragged herself to the table, slumped down into a chair
and rested her head on her hands.

“It’s not fair,” she said
again, the injustice of her situation crushing her with its
weight.

Her mother looked at her over
the steaming plates of pasta on the table and raised one
eyebrow.

“You say that so often, I
wonder what your basis for comparison is?”

Helen looked up in horror at
her mother, her stomach squirming and her heart thudding at the
tone in her voice. Then the penny dropped and she laughed, the
sound ringing through the tiny apartment.

“Touché!”

Still chuckling, Helen tucked
into her dinner with renewed appetite. Her mother always said the
right thing. She wasn’t being harsh; she was quoting a line from
one of Helen’s favourite movies as a child,
Labyrinth.

Mum’s right,
she
thought.
I’m acting as spoilt and childish as Sarah, though at
least mum isn’t as scary as David Bowie’s Jareth. What is it Sarah
says later? ‘No, it isn’t fair, but that’s the way it is.’ I have
two healthy babies growing inside me, I have family and friends to
support me, and I have a roof over my head. For now. It’s up to me
to put in the effort to keep what’s great and not dwell on what
isn’t
.

Easier said than done.

Chapter
Fourteen

“I’m here to see Maria
Harrison.”

“Does she know you’re
coming?”

“Yes, we’re meeting for lunch.”
Helen checked her watch and saw she was slightly early.

The receptionist looked at
Helen for ten seconds too long, then nodded for her to take a seat
in the waiting area.

“I’ll phone and tell her you’re
here.”

Sitting in the corner of the
busy reception Helen felt like she’d stumbled into an alternative
universe, one where she could watch her own life played out before
her. Things hadn’t changed much since her time, although the
receptionist was new.

The same motivational posters
adorned the walls, the same company brochures cluttered the coffee
table in the waiting area. When she had worked here it had all made
sense but now, from the outside, it seemed alien. People rushing
about undertaking strange tasks, like being inside an anthill.

When Maria had invited her for
lunch, Helen had suggested they meet at the coffee shop down the
road. Maria had said she didn’t have time as her diary was
back-to-back. Helen wondered privately why she had suggested lunch
if she were so busy. Although they had been close friends when
she’d worked for the same company, they hadn’t seen much of each
other since.

Helen wasn’t sure how she felt,
having lunch in the company restaurant. There was a strong
likelihood she would see people she knew and she didn’t know what
Daniel had told people about their breakup. Assuming Daniel still
worked here. The sick feeling in her stomach reminded her that she
might even bump into Daniel. What then?

Did she want him to see her
glowing from her pregnancy, see that she was carrying on life
without him?

Maybe he’ll realise what an
idiot he was and he’ll want us to get back together. How would I
feel about that? Of course I’d tell him to get lost. Wouldn’t
I
?

Sitting forward on the edge of
the mock-leather seat Helen was aware of every man that entered the
foyer, surreptitiously watching them out the corner of her eye
while attempting to look absorbed in a magazine.

Come.

Don’t come.

Come.

Don’t come.

The thoughts tick-tocked
through her brain.

Come.

Don’t come.

When Maria finally swept into
the reception Helen felt jangled and impatient to be out of sight.
Daniel wouldn’t come to the restaurant – he always sent his PA to
collect lunch on days when he wasn’t wining and dining clients.

“Helen, darling, lovely to see
you.”

Maria enveloped her in a cloud
of Chanel and kissed the air by each of her ears. She then stood
back and scrutinised Helen in a way that made her feel like a prize
racehorse.

“You look… well. Have you been
away?”

“What you mean is I look like
I’ve put on weight and have I been scoffing pasta in Paris?”

Helen was shocked at her own
audacity and nearly laughed out loud at the flabbergasted look on
Maria’s face.

“Not at all darling, you look
great.”

“Well, I have put on weight,”
Helen said while Maria led the way to the restaurant as if Helen
didn’t already know the way.

“Really, it doesn’t show,”
Maria lied, joining the back of the queue for food. “I assume
you’re okay with the sandwich bar? We can go to the hot food
counter if you want.”

Helen had to smother a smile as
she nodded her assent that sandwiches were fine. It was clear Maria
thought she had let herself go after losing Daniel and wasn’t sure
how to broach the subject. Always stick thin and on a permanent
diet of one sort or another Maria clearly believed that Helen
needed guiding away from buttery jacket potatoes and custard
puddings to save her from herself.

They sat in a corner once they
had collected their food, Maria with a salad roll on rye and Helen
with a brie and bacon baguette with all the trimmings. Glancing at
plate in front of Helen, Maria looked at her in what she presumably
thought was a sincere way.

“Daniel leaving you hasn’t
affected your appetite then? I was shocked when I heard. So
terrible for you.”

“I left him.”

Helen tucked into her sandwich
to avoid having to add anything else. She was starting to think
that lunch wasn’t such a good idea.

Since leaving work Helen had
been determined to keep up with old friends. Before she met the
photography group, she had been very aware of the loneliness of not
being in the office day to day. After befriending Sharni and Ben,
and now Dawn, she realised that some of her so-called friends from
work were not really true friends at all.

It occurred to Helen that Maria
had only invited her today to get the gossip from the horse’s
mouth. She wondered why it had taken her so long.

“Y
ou
left
him
?”
Maria’s voice dripped with disbelief. Who would leave Daniel?
Handsome, rich, on the up. Clearly Helen had made her own version
of the truth to make herself feel better.

“Yes.” Helen took another bite
of sandwich, although steadily losing her appetite.

“It would have been your
wedding this weekend, wouldn’t it? What made you leave? Couldn’t
you go through with it?”

Helen was stunned that she
hadn’t noticed the date. Maria was right; it would have been their
wedding. The last three months felt like a lifetime. She felt
dizzy, thinking about everything that had happened; thinking that
in a different universe she would have been having the normal
last-minute jitters of the bride-to-be: going on her hen do or
having a last minute crisis about the dress. In some ways it all
seemed rather shallow, compared with making eyebrows or growing
tiny fingernails or whatever her body was doing right now.

As she swallowed the lump
clogging her throat Helen realised it made her feel sad, too. There
was really no going back. Daniel hadn’t tried to contact her once
to see if she was okay or to try and win her back. And still she
missed him terribly.

“Daniel’s left, you know.”
Maria clearly couldn’t hold her news any longer.

Helen looked up, surprised.

“He’s been offered the position
of CEO at some English subsidiary of a Japanese company. Massive
promotion. He went last week. Six months gardening leave, can you
believe? Although I doubt he’ll sit idle for six months.”

Helen wasn’t sure what to say,
what to feel. Hearing about Daniel moving on with his life made her
feel as if she was drifting off into a side-eddy heading for
obscurity whilst life sailed on regardless. Other emotions
surfaced. She scrunched up her sandwich wrapper and resisted the
temptation to throw it across the room. Instead she bit into the
remainder of her roll and ground her teeth on the bread.

I helped Daniel secure that
promotion, whatever it is. I helped him increase his profile, I
wined and dined his boring associates. Now I’m struggling to find
the money to pay my mortgage and he is swanning around on gardening
leave.

Tearing into her sandwich,
Helen tried to decide how to respond. She certainly wasn’t going to
tell Maria about the babies now. She had toyed with the idea, not
wanting Maria to just think she’d got fat, but unsure whether she
was ready for the information to go viral at her old company.

Let the cow think I’m fat.
She’s clearly called me here to have one over on me because she
knows more about Daniel than I do.

“Rumour has it he has a new
girlfriend. Is that why you left, did he cheat on you?”

Helen looked at the sly
expression on Maria’s face.
Some friend.

“Enough already!” The words
came out with unexpected force. “He. Did. Not. Cheat. On. Me.” She
took a deep breath and nearly burst out laughing at Maria’s
expression.

“Sorry. It’s just everyone has
said that. Do I look like such a shmuck? No. Don’t answer that. I
left Daniel for, well, for other reasons. So, he’s got someone new
already? Well, bully for him.”

She tried to believe her words
but a secret hope she hadn’t admitted, even to herself, died within
her.

That’s why he hasn’t called.
I’ve already been replaced.

Another thought followed hard
on the first, one even less welcome.

Maybe he was cheating on me.
Everyone seems to think so. Maybe my getting pregnant gave him the
perfect excuse to get rid of me.

She shuddered, as if a cold
breeze had washed over her skin. She tried to rationalise in her
mind.
If he had been cheating on me would he have put so much
effort into the wedding plans, in to making sure every element was
perfect?

It didn’t make any sense. Helen
could feel her hormones surging, tears pricking at her eyes.

Don’t let this bitch see what
she’s done to you! Keep smiling, keep exchanging small talk. She’s
plainly no friend of yours. Don’t give her anything, just get
through lunch, walk out of here and don’t look back.