Bachelor at Her Bidding (Bachelor Auction Book 2) (17 page)

His head spun. And, when he looked at the situation, he really didn’t like himself very much. Lucille had hurt him, and that had left him scared of being hurt again. He’d used his grandmother as an excuse not to get close to anyone, and he’d used her as an excuse to push Rachel away. In the process he’d really hurt Rachel. Hurt her enough that she hadn’t even tried to call or text him since the fight.

He needed to talk to her.

To apologize.

To see if they could start all over again.

He headed into town and bought an armful of flowers. And then he went to Rachel’s office.

“I’m sorry, Dr. Cassidy doesn’t have any appointments left for today,” Shannon, the receptionist, told him.

“I’m not here for an appointment,” he said. “I just need to see her. And I’m happy to wait here until she’s finished seeing her last patient.”

“I’m not sure I can authorize that,” Shannon said.

He smiled wryly. “I imagine half the town knows that Dr. Cassidy and I had a…” He might as well be honest about it. “A fight,” he said. “For the record, it was completely my fault, and I want to apologize to her. Starting with these.”

Shannon looked wary. “I’m really not sure she’ll see you.”

“Then don’t tell her I’m here. I’ll just wait,” Ryan said. “And then if you can give me the nod when her last patient leaves, I’ll tackle her myself. I’ll tell her I insisted and it’s not your fault, so she won’t be angry with you.”

“Dr. Cassidy’s kind,” Shannon said. “She’s sweet and she’ll help anyone.”

Ryan knew what the receptionist was trying to say. That she didn’t want him to go in there and upset Rachel any more than he already had. “I know. And I also know I hurt her, because I was an idiot and I didn’t listen to her properly,” he said softly. “I’m not going to make things worse. I just need to talk to her.”

“OK,” Shannon said finally. “But I’m staying here.”

In case Rachel needed her as backup? “Understood,” he said. “And thank you.”

*

Rachel was just
writing up her notes on her last patient when there was a knock on her door.

“Yes?” she said, looking up and expecting to see Shannon.

She was glad she was sitting down when she saw Ryan with an armful of flowers. And she hated the fact that her heart did a flip at just seeing him. But he’d made it clear that they were through; she was just going to have to become immune to him.

“What do you want?” she asked coolly.

“To give you these.”

“I don’t need flowers,” she said, knowing that she sounded ungracious – but she was still angry with him for getting her so wrong. For thinking that she didn’t have Phyllis’s best interests at heart. For not listening to her and walking out on her.

He blew out a breath. “This looks as if I’m gussying up an apology. Which I guess I am, but it’s still a valid apology. Rachel, I’m sorry I treated you so badly, and I’m so far in the wrong I don’t even know where to start making amends.” He bit his lip. “I know it’s a big ask, but will you hear me out?”

Part of her was tempted to say no. He hadn’t listened to her, had he?

Then again, two wrongs didn’t make a right.

And if she could understand why he’d reacted the way he had, maybe it wouldn’t hurt quite so much.

“OK,” she said, still not smiling.

“Where should I put…?” He nodded at the flowers.

She was tempted to suggest the trash, but that wasn’t fair. “On the floor, I guess.” She gestured to the chair on the other side of her desk. “Take a seat.”

He placed the flowers carefully on the floor and sat down.

“First of all,” he said. “I’m sorry. I know you had Gram’s best interests at heart. And I went off at the deep end without listening to you properly.”

Yeah. He could say that again.

“Jolene talked to me today,” he said. “She said exactly the same things that you did.”

“And you listened to her?”

He nodded.

Part of Rachel was glad that he was seeing sense and doing the right thing by his grandmother; but part of her was still hurt that he’d refused to listen to exactly the same suggestion from her.

“What’s the difference?” she asked. “Why did you listen to Jolene where you wouldn’t listen to me?”

“Because I’m not involved with her. Not like I am –
was
,” he amended, “with you.”

Past tense. Well, that was fine by her, because a sleepless night had hardened her resolve. She wasn’t giving him another chance to hurt her.

But she wasn’t totally unreasonable. She’d listen to him. She just wasn’t letting him back in her life.

“I know you’re not my ex… but that was all I could hear, when you suggested that Gram moved to residential care. It’s what Lucille said, too.”

Lucille. The ex he never talked about.

Maybe he’d talk about her now. It was too little, too late, but part of Rachel still wanted to know the truth. In her experience, if you gave people enough space eventually they’d fill the silence, so she waited.

Finally he spoke. “I met Lucille in Bozeman. I’d been headhunted by one of the top restaurants in the city when I came back from Paris. I was the pastry chef there, and she came to join the team as senior chef. We fell in love, and we talked about opening our own restaurant. We wanted to be the first place in Montana with a Michelin star, to prove to people our food was among the best in the world.”

Same job, same world view. It should’ve worked.

“But then I came back to see Gram on one of my regular visits and I realized how ill she was. I talked to Mrs. Rodgers – our next door neighbor – and she told me Gram had got very forgetful and had a few falls. Mrs. Rodgers was worried about her. I knew then that I had to do something. It wouldn’t be fair to uproot Gram and drag her out to Bozeman where she doesn’t know anyone, especially if I was going to be working crazy hours while Lucille and I were setting up the restaurant and not able to spend any time with her. So the obvious solution was for me to come home to Marietta and look after her myself – just as she and Grandpa looked after me when my parents were killed.” He dragged in a breath. “Family comes first, and I couldn’t have lived with myself if I’d put the dreams of that Michelin star before my grandmother.”

She could see the pain in his eyes and she had a nasty feeling she knew what was coming next.

“Lucille wasn’t happy about it. She said I was being totally selfish and not thinking of her and I should just put my grandmother in a home.”

Now Rachel understood why it had been such a hot button for him – why he’d been so insistent that he wasn’t dumping his responsibilities. But surely he’d been able to see that she wasn’t like Lucille?

“Lucille wanted me to choose between her and Gram. She wanted me to put her and the restaurant first – but how could I live with myself if I did that and let my grandmother down when she needed me?” His face was anguished. “There wasn’t a choice. So I asked Lucille to move here with me. I know it’s out of the city, but I thought maybe we could do something here.” He sighed. “But she said it was a hick Montana town and she didn’t want to live here. She said I was crazy if I was going to turn down an opportunity like the one we had in Bozeman.”

Marietta was definitely not a hick town. It was a thriving place where people actually cared about each other and started new businesses. “Her opinion,” Rachel said, “doesn’t make it fact.”

“Yeah.” Ryan swallowed hard. “Whatever I did, I was going to let someone down – but I couldn’t have lived with myself if I’d just dumped Gram in a nursing home and left it to someone else to look after her when it was my place to do it. So I came home to Marietta and found a job at Grey’s. Reese Kendrick has been good to me and allowed me a lot of flexibility whenever Gram’s been ill. He’s let me change my shifts at late notice, and a couple of times I’ve even made desserts for the saloon in my own kitchen and he’s sent a courier over to collect them.”

Because Marietta looked after its own.

“For what it’s worth,” she said softly, “I think you did the right thing – for Phyllis and for you.” And it was exactly what she would’ve done if anyone in her family had needed her. When Susie had had the twins, Rachel had taken a couple of weeks’ annual leave to come and help take care of them. That was what family did. “Obviously Lucille didn’t change her mind?”

“No. She went ahead with the restaurant without me. It got a little messy when it came to dealing with the apartment – we’d put it on the market and intended to use the capital as the down payment on the restaurant. In the end I gave in and let her give me less than my fair share of the apartment, because I just wanted out. I needed to be home and it was pointless dragging things out in Bozeman.”

“But now Phyllis does need residential care,” Rachel pointed out gently. “And I’m not saying that as someone who’s – who
was
,” she amended swiftly, “emotionally involved with you. I’m saying that with my professional hat on. Dr. Majors thought you might take it better from me.”

“Yeah. Except I didn’t. And I’m sorry.” He rubbed a hand across his eyes. “I guess I really knew that when you told me, but I didn’t want to face it. Jolene made me see that Gram needed more than I could give her – she needs a place where they can do physical therapy and other stuff that I can’t do.” He grimaced and shook his head. “But it still feels as if I’m dumping her and letting her down.”

“No, you’re doing the right thing by her. You’re making sure she has a safe place to live that fits her needs. As the months go on she’ll need more personal care and I know you’d do that for her, but this way she also gets to keep her dignity instead of feeling that she’s a burden on her grandson.”

“She’s not a burden. I’ve never seen her as a burden.”

“I know that, and I’m not saying she is.” She sighed. “It’s complicated. There are lots of feelings involved, and sometimes the right thing feels like the wrong thing – but actually it turns out to be OK in the end.”

“Maybe.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I’ve been stubborn about this and I’ve made people suffer when they shouldn’t have done. I don’t mean Lucille – I mean Gram, and I mean you.” He looked her straight in the eye. “Rachel, I’ve been hugely unfair, and I guess it was because I was scared that I used Gram’s illness as a barrier. I know you’re not Lucille and you would never have given me an ultimatum, the way she did. You were giving me good advice both as a medical professional and a friend. And I threw it back in your face and treated you incredibly badly.”

Yes. But at least he was acknowledging it now, and they could move on. “Now you’ve told me what happened with Lucille, I can understand why you reacted the way you did.”

“So can we start again?”

That was the crunch question.

It would be oh, so easy to say yes.

But what about the next time they hit a stumbling block? How could she be sure that Ryan wouldn’t react badly and close off from her again?

She shook her head. “I don’t think I can do that. You hurt me, Ryan, and I can’t risk that happening again.”

“It won’t happen again.”

“You don’t know that, and neither do I,” she said, “so the answer’s still no. We can be friends, yes, but I’m not laying my heart open again. I’m not getting emotionally involved with anyone, ever again.”

“Rachel –”

She put her hands up in the age-old stop signal. “No. You know the saying about once bitten, twice shy? Well, I’ve been twice bitten and now I know much better. I’m sorry, Ry. I can’t do it.”

*

She had a
point, he knew that.

But he had no words, no gestures to make her believe him that it would be different in the future.

So all he could do was apologize for the last time and leave. And hope against hope that he could find a way to persuade her to change her mind.

‡