Bachelor Dad on Her Doorstep (16 page)

‘I will,’ he promised.

It reminded Jaz that she should at least look brave for Melly’s sake. ‘No time at all, you say?’

‘That’s right.’ He slipped an arm around her waist. ‘Come on, I’ll help you to the car.’

She had no choice but to submit.
Oh, Mum, I’m sorry.

They were at the hospital for four hours.

Four hours!

Connor wanted to roar at the staff, he wanted to tear his hair out…he wanted to take away Jaz’s pain.

He paced. He called his father to come and collect Melly. He rang Mrs Lavender to tell her what had happened. He held Jaz’s hand.

Until they took her away and wouldn’t let him go with her.

He replayed over and over in his mind that moment when Jaz had thrown herself forward to save Mel from harm. He’d been a bloody fool to roar at Mel like that, but he’d been so darn relieved to find her…

Over and over he relived his fear of that moment when he’d thought both Mel and Jaz would fall headlong down those stairs together.

One certainty crystallised in his mind with a clarity that made his hands clench. From now on, he wanted to keep Jaz from all harm. For ever.

It wasn’t too late for them. It couldn’t be!

Finally Jaz reappeared. She had some colour in her cheeks again and a bandage around her upper arm. She smiled at him as if she sensed his worry and wanted to allay it. ‘Right as rain again, see.’ She held up a piece of paper. ‘I just need to get this prescription filled and then we can go.’

The nurse accompanying Jaz folded her arms. ‘And what else did the doctor say, Ms Harper?’

‘I’ll have something to eat when I get home, I promise.’

‘You’ll do no such thing.’ The nurse transferred her glare to Connor. ‘You will take her down to the cafeteria and you won’t let her leave until she’s had a sandwich and an orange juice, you hear?’

‘Yes, ma’am.’

‘But the book fair—’

‘No arguments,’ he told Jaz. They’d follow the doctor’s orders. ‘You’ve been here four hours; another twenty or so minutes won’t make any difference.’

She glared at him. ‘You said two shakes of a lamb’s tail.’ She snorted. He couldn’t really blame her. When her shoulders slumped he wanted to gather her in close and hold her.

He didn’t. He took her for a sandwich and an orange juice.

They sat outside at a table in the sun because Jaz said she’d had enough of being cooped up indoors. He pulled his sweater over his head and settled it around her shoulders. A bolt of warmth shot through him when she pulled the sweater around her more securely and huddled down into its warmth. He found himself fighting the urge to warm her up in a far more primitive manner.

‘How are you feeling?’ he asked when she’d finished her sandwich.

‘Actually, as good as new.’

He raised a sceptical eyebrow.

‘It’s true! I mean, the arm is a bit sore, but other than that…I’m relieved, if the truth be told.’

‘Relieved!’

‘From the looks on your and Melly’s faces, I thought at the very least I was going to need twenty stitches.’

‘How many did you get?’

‘Three.’

‘Three! I thought—’

‘You thought I was going to lose my arm.’

He threw his head back and laughed with sheer relief. ‘You really are feeling all right?’

‘I am.’

‘Good. Then I can do this.’

He leaned over and kissed her, savoured all of her sweet goodness with a slowness designed to give as much pleasure as it received. When her lips trembled beneath his, it tested all of his powers of control.

He drew back and touched a finger to her cheek, smiled at the way her breath hitched in her throat. ‘I love you, Jaz.’

The words slid out of him as natural as breathing. Then he bent his head and touched his lips to hers again.

‘W
HAT
on earth…?’

Jaz pushed against him so violently she’d have fallen off her seat if he hadn’t grabbed her around the waist to hold her steady.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ She leapt right out of his arms and stood trembling, facing him.

He’d have laughed out loud at her words if the expression on her face hadn’t sliced him to the marrow. ‘I thought that was kind of obvious.’ He tried to grin that grin—the one that she’d told him eight years ago could make her knees weak. The grin that kicked up one corner of his mouth and said he couldn’t think of anything better on this earth than making love with her.

The grin wasn’t a lie. He couldn’t think of anything he’d rather do.

She stared at his mouth and took a step back, gripped her hands together. ‘This can’t happen!’

He rose too, planted his feet. He wanted to fill her field of vision the way she filled his. ‘Why not?’

‘What do you mean, why not? You…I…’ She snapped her mouth shut, dragged in a breath and glared. ‘You know why not.’

Her voice trembled. It made him want to smile, to haul her into his arms…to cry.

‘Nope, can’t say I do.’ He shook his head. ‘I loved the girl you were eight years ago, and I love the woman you are now even more. I don’t get why we can’t be together.’

Her eyes grew wide and round. For a brief moment her whole body swayed towards him and a fierce joy gripped him. He’d win her round yet. ‘There’s nothing to stop us from being together, Jaz. Nothing at all.’ He’d prove it to her. He took a step towards her, reached out his hands…

Jaz snapped back, away from him. ‘I already told you. It’s too late!’

Frustration balled through him. And fear. He couldn’t lose her a second time. He couldn’t.

‘When are you going to stop running?’

‘Running?’ She snorted. ‘I’m not running. I came back to Clara Falls, didn’t I? And I’m not leaving until my mother’s bookshop is back on its feet. Doesn’t seem to me that there’s much running away involved in any of that.’

At the mention of the bookshop, though, a spasm of pain contracted her nostrils, twisted her mouth. The bookshop. He thought back to the darn loan with its outrageous interest rate that she’d lumbered herself with. He’d have given her the money if she’d let him. He’d have offered to lend it to her, but he’d known she’d have refused that too.

Something told him she would not survive the closure of the bookshop. Financially, she couldn’t afford it. Emotionally…a cold chill raised the hairs on the back of his neck.

‘Why is the bookshop so important, Jaz?’

Her eyes darkened. Not for the first time, he noticed the circles beneath them. ‘Making it a success…it’s the only thing left that I can do for my mother.’

It all clicked into place then. He should’ve realised it right from the start. Her return to Clara Falls; it wasn’t about pride or revenge. It wasn’t about showing the town she was better than they’d ever given her credit for. It was about love. This woman standing in front of him had only ever been about love.

And yet she held herself responsible for her mother’s death.

She’d healed all the dark places inside him. He wanted to
heal the dark places inside her too. ‘When are you going to stop punishing yourself and let yourself be happy?’

‘I can’t,’ she whispered.

The pain in her voice tore at him. ‘Why not?’ He kept his voice low, but something in her eyes frightened him. He wanted to reach for her but he knew that would only make her retreat further. He clenched his hands and forced them to remain by his sides.

‘When you thought I’d cheated on you, it broke my heart, Connor.’

A weight pressed down on his chest, thinning his soul. He deserved her resentment. He sure as hell didn’t deserve her forgiveness. And yet he’d thought…‘I’ve tried to apologise, Jaz. I’m sorrier for that mistake than I can find the words for. If I could turn time back…’

‘I know, and it’s not what I mean. We both made mistakes we’re sorry for. It’s…’ She broke off to pull his sweater more tightly around her body as if she were cold and couldn’t get warm, no matter how hard she tried. ‘I became a different person afterwards, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I became bitter and hard, destructive.’

She met his eyes, her own bleak but determined. Bile filled his mouth, his soul.

‘I’m not saying I blame you for that because I don’t. It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I turned into the kind of person who refused to come back to Clara Falls even though my mother begged me to, even when I knew how much it would mean to her. Can you believe that?’

She gave a harsh laugh. He closed his eyes.

‘I may as well have handed my mother that bottle of sleeping pills with my own hands.’

His eyes snapped open. ‘You can’t believe that!’

Her hands shook. ‘But I do.’

‘You can’t hold yourself responsible for another person’s actions like that, Jaz.’

‘If I’d come home, I’d have seen how things were. I could’ve helped. I could’ve saved her.’ She whispered the last sentence.

Then she threw her head back and her eyes blazed. ‘But I didn’t because I’d turned into some unfeeling monster. That’s why there’s no future for me and you, Connor. I can’t risk loving like that ever again. Who will I hurt or destroy the next time love fails me, huh?’

His mouth had gone dry. ‘Who says it will fail?’

She stared back at him—wounded, tired…resolute. ‘I’m sorry, Connor, but that’s one gamble I’m not prepared to take.’

His stomach…his heart…his whole life, dropped to his feet at the note of finality in her voice. She was wrong, so wrong to exile herself from love like this.

To exile him!

He’d imagined her in his arms so fully and completely, and for all of time. To have her snatched back out of them now was too much to bear. This woman standing in front of him was all about love…but she’d exempted herself. And that meant she’d barred him from love too because he would never settle for second best again. For him, anyone but Jaz Harper was second best.

‘According to your philosophy then, I’d better not have the gall to go falling in love again.’

Her jaw dropped, but then she pressed her lips together into a tight line. Pain rolled off her in waves. It took all of his strength not to reach for her and do what he could to wipe that pain away.

‘I mean, what if I let jealousy get the better of me again for even half a second? Given my past form, I quite obviously have no right messing with women’s hearts.’

She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes. He hated the defeated slope of her shoulders, the way she seemed unable to throw her head back when she pulled her hands away. ‘That’s not what I meant and you know it.’

‘You said the only thing left that you could do for your mother was to save the bookshop. You’re wrong. The best gift you could give Frieda is to live your life fully and without
fear…to finally let love back into your life. You don’t get it, do you, Jaz? Frieda never wanted you to come back to Clara Falls for her own comfort or peace of mind. She wanted you to come back for yours!’

He watched her try to take in the meaning of his words.

‘Do you think she’d be pleased by what you are doing to yourself now?’

She paled.

‘Do you think she’d be proud of you?’

She just stared back at him, frozen, and he wondered if he’d pushed her too far. All he wanted to do was drop to his knees in front of her and beg her to be happy.

She took a step away from him. ‘Take me home, please, Connor.’

She wouldn’t meet his eyes and his heart froze over. ‘I’m supposed to be running a book fair. I need to see if I can manage to salvage something from this day.’

And then she turned away and Connor knew that was her final word. His words hadn’t breached the walls she had erected around herself.

He’d failed.

They made the fifteen-minute journey from Katoomba hospital to Clara Falls in silence. Jaz’s heart hurt with every beat it took, as if someone had taken a baseball bat to it. A pain stretched behind her eyes and into eternity.

The force of Connor’s words still pounded at her and she could barely make sense of anything. She’d thought she’d started to put things right, to make things better. Except…

Connor loved her.

One part of her gave a wild, joyful leap. She grabbed it and pulled it back into line. She and Connor?

No.

She forced herself to swallow, to straighten in her seat. They’d reach Clara Falls’ main street any moment now.

She realised she still clutched Connor’s sweater around her like an offer of comfort. She inhaled one last autumn-scented breath, then folded it neatly and set it on the seat beside her.

She tried to ready herself for the sight of a closed bookshop and no customers, for fairies and pirates who would rightly demand payment anyway. She tried to push to the back of her mind how much money she’d plugged into advertising, on orders for sausages and hiring barbecue plates. She tried to think of ways she could allay the disappointment of the authors and poets who’d promised her their time free of charge this afternoon as a favour to their community.

From the corner of her eye, she saw Connor glance at her. ‘You think that Mrs Lavender and co have had to cancel the book fair, don’t you?’

She ached to reach out and touch his shoulder, to tell him she’d never meant to hurt him. She didn’t. It wouldn’t help. ‘Yes.’

He frowned. ‘Why? Do you think you’re that indispensable?’

‘Of course not!’

She didn’t think she was indispensable to him at all. He’d find someone else to love. One day. And she wanted him to. She gritted her teeth. She meant it. She did. He deserved to be happy.

She reminded herself they were talking about the bookshop. ‘Mr Sears will have found a way to sabotage the fair.’ And without her there to run the gauntlet…

Her stomach roiled and churned as they turned into Clara Falls’ main street.

There weren’t as many tourists down this end of the street as usual. Even though the day was disgustingly bright and sunny. Her mouth turned down. She wished for grey skies and hail. Somehow that would make her feel better.

But the sun didn’t magically stop shining and rain and huge balls of ice didn’t pour down from the sky. She bit back a sigh and kept her eyes doggedly on the streetscape directly beside her.

As they moved closer towards the bookshop, Jaz wanted to close her eyes. She didn’t. But she didn’t move her eyes past
the streetscape directly beside her either. She would not look ahead. She didn’t have the heart for that.

She didn’t have the heart to glance again at Connor either.

She wished the car would break down. She wished it would come to a clunking halt and just strand her here in the middle of the road, where she wouldn’t have to move until it was closing time in Clara Falls.

It didn’t happen. The car kept moving forward. Jaz kept her eyes on the view beside her. A few more tourists appeared. At least it wasn’t only her shop that was doing poorly today.

Then the scent of frying onions hit her.

Onions!

She slid forward to stare out through the front windscreen.

People.

Oodles and oodles of people. All mingling and laughing out the front of her bookshop.

Connor pulled the car to a halt and a cheer went up when the townsfolk saw her.

A cheer? For her?

Her jaw went slack when she saw who led the cheer.

Mr Sears!

Not only did he lead the cheer but he manned the barbecue hotplate full of sausages too. Carmen grinned and waved from her station beside him. Somehow, Jaz managed to lift her hand and wave back.

Just as many people—perhaps more—were crammed inside the bookshop. It was so full it had almost developed a pulse of its own. She recognised two staff members amid all the chaos, caught sight of a fairy and couldn’t help wondering where the pirates had set up for the face painting.

She turned to stare at Connor. ‘But what…?’

He didn’t smile. He just shrugged. ‘Why don’t you hop out here? I’ll park the car around the back.’

She didn’t want to get out of the car. She didn’t want to leave him like this. She’d hurt him and…

And she couldn’t help him now.

She slid out of the car and stood on the footpath, watched as the car drew away. Only then did she turn back to the crowd and wondered what she should tackle first.

Not what, but who. With a sense of unreality, she made her way through the crowd to Mr Sears. ‘I…’ She lifted her hands, then let them drop. ‘Thank you.’ Somehow that seemed completely inadequate.

‘No.’ He shook his head. ‘Thank you.’

And then he smiled. She wondered if she’d ever really seen him smile before.

‘In this town, Jaz, we pull together.’

‘I…It means a lot.’ She found herself smiling back and that didn’t seem completely inadequate. It felt right.

She glanced around and what she saw fired hope in her heart.
Oh, Mum, if you could only see this.
She swung back to him. ‘What can I do?’

‘Carmen and I have things sorted out here for the moment, don’t we, Carmen?’

The teenager’s eyes danced. ‘Aye, aye, Captain.’ She saluted her father with the tongs and her sense of fun tugged at Jaz.

He pointed to the door. ‘You’ll find Audra Lavender and Boyd Longbottom directing proceedings inside.’

She went to turn away, then swung back. ‘Did I just hear you say Mrs Lavender
and
Boyd Longbottom?’

‘That’s right.’ He winked. ‘I think you’ll find it’s a day for miracles.’

She started to grin. ‘I think you must be right.’ She turned and headed for the door.

‘Jaz, dear.’ Mrs Lavender beamed when she saw her. ‘I hope your poor arm is okay.’

‘Yes, thank you. It’s fine.’

Mrs Lavender had set up two sturdy card tables against the back wall in preparation for the cheese and wine Jaz had ordered for the afternoon readings. She’d pushed the leather
ette cubes against the walls and into the spaces between the bookcases. It would leave a circle of space around the authors as they gave their readings. Perfect.