Back to the Drawing Board (29 page)

He didn’t have to say it twice. I hurried to the door, begging the guard to let me out. He wasn’t going to, since it was against protocol, but when I explained why I needed to get out, he buzzed the door. Julia had told him she was sick, which was why he let her out. I wasn’t going to be allowed to come back in, and Johnny was going to miss the rest of his visit, but I was sure he’d be okay with it.

As soon as it unlocked, I flung it open. I grabbed my cell phone from the locker as fast as I could and ran for the parking lot, willing her to still be there. I had no idea if she was driving her car or not, but I didn’t care if I had to sprint through the entire parking lot, I was going to find her.

I looked back and forth, hoping and praying to see either her or her car. What if she’d somehow gotten out of the parking lot already? How was I going to find her? She’d told me where she’d been, but what if she wasn’t there anymore? She wasn’t doing this; I knew why she said what she said, but she didn’t mean it. I was convinced.

I stopped, my chest heaving.
Please, Julia,
I begged.
Please don’t be gone
. After everything Johnny had said about why he was in there, she needed to understand everything once and for all. I turned around, looking up and down the aisles again when my heart stopped. I saw her car, nestled under a large tree at the edge of the parking lot. I’d know that bright blue anywhere. I sprinted for it, terrified that she’d pull away and leave before I could get there.

She was slumped over her steering wheel, and seeing her like that hurt worse than a knife to the heart. I yanked the door handle, not willing to wait one more second to hold her in my arms. She jumped, turning her tear-stained face to me.

I crouched down next to her and pulled her closer so I could wrap my arms around her, my chest still heaving with exertion. Sweat was pouring down my face, but I didn’t even bother to wipe it away. “Julia. Don’t do this, baby. Please.” She gripped onto my shirt, burying her face into my neck. I held on for dear life, despite the discomfort of my current position. I reached over and unbuckled her seatbelt and lifted her out of the car, still holding onto her.

“I’ll only hurt you,” she sobbed.

I pulled back slightly so I could look at her face. I was never good with words, especially ones explaining how I felt. That was something my therapists over the years had worked on with me, but it never came easily.

“You leaving me is hurting me more,” I said. “Do you know what you’ve done for me?”

“Let’s see, got drunk the night I met you and made a fool of myself, practically forced myself on you after that, now you’ll be fired or lose your dream job because of me . . .”

I closed my mouth over hers to stop her rambling. Who was this girl talking? It wasn’t Julia. I tasted the salt of her tears as we kissed softly. “No. Stop. You breathed life into me, Julia, when I had no idea I was even missing anything. I thought I had it all getting this internship. The past couple months have taught me something way more important. God, I’m just no good at this . . . but I’m trying. You make me want more,
need
more in my life. You showed me that I needed to fight for what I wanted. This is me, fighting for you. For us. I wanted you to meet my family because you’re just
that
important to me.”

She gasped. “Your parents were here. I’m the worst. I was so consumed with myself, I wasn’t there for you. Carter, you’ll be better off leaving me now and moving on. There’s someone else out there for you, one that doesn’t come with the baggage I do. If you go now, you can probably salvage things with my parents. Give them a good story about where you were and how sorry you are about what happened with me but you’ll step in and take my role. They’ll do it, Carter. You’ll have the job you always wanted.”

“You’re not listening to me,” I said. “I made the wrong choice that day when I saw you so upset in your parents’ office. I didn’t figure out what was wrong and help you, no matter the repercussions. I’ve kicked myself every second over the last five days for that. But Julia, if losing you this week has taught me anything, it’s that I can’t be without you. I. Can’t. Be. Without. You. Are you listening now? I know you think you’re doing what is right here, pushing both Johnny and me away so you can be miserable by yourself. There’s something else you don’t know, though.”

“What’s that?”

She let me kiss her, and I let myself get lost in how she felt against me for a minute. My nerves were shot, and I felt like I could pass out at any second. I had to do it.
Do it, Carter. It’s now or never. She’ll walk away if you don’t, and you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.

I looked around at the dreary prison. “I didn’t envision it happening this way, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Julia Gibbons, you can’t leave me because I love you.” I breathed out, hoping to God I didn’t just make a total fool of myself.

She gasped, her hands flying up to her mouth as tears filled her eyes again. “You
what
?” She shook her head like she was ridding those words from her memory.

I smoothed her hair back from her face and looked directly into her eyes, my comfort shot to hell. “You heard me. I love you. You aren’t leaving me. Not now, not ever again. Because you love me, too.”

She was quiet for longer than I wanted her to be. “Carter . . .” If she said no now and walked away from me, I’d never be the same again. I knew that much. “Say it again.”

I grinned, forcing myself not to shout out loud. “Julia Aylen Gibbons, you are the most drop-dead gorgeous woman I’ve ever known, inside and out. I love you more than
anything
. More than this damn internship, getting a job with your parents, or anything else. I. Love. You. You’ve brought me alive. Before meeting you, I was existing. Now, I’m living. I’m nothing without you. So please, Julia. Please don’t throw us away.”

She lifted her hand and ran it along my face, one of my most favorite things she did to show me she cared. “I love you, Carter. I’ve loved you since the first second I saw you. My feelings for you have consumed my life and changed what I want, too. You’ve showed me that my dreams are worth pursuing, and you are number one on that list now. I . . . I thought I was doing what was right, letting you go. It wasn’t what I wanted. I’m sorry.”

A tidal wave of emotion came over me, and I found myself sobbing into her shoulder, hot tears soaking into her neck and shirt. It had been years since I’d cried. Since the time I found out my life had been a lie. On one hand, I felt ridiculously stupid, but on the other it felt amazing to finally let it go—- all of it.

“Carter,” she said, stroking my back. “Why are you crying? You’re killing me, baby. Don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m here. You’re right. I can’t walk away and leave you. Saying those words in there made a part of me die. I just thought I needed to let you go so that you could be happy. I didn’t know you loved me. I hoped and prayed for it to happen, but I didn’t know.”

She pressed kisses along my neck and put her lips up to my ear. “Let it go, Carter. All of it.” She could read my mind, I was convinced. This was one of the many reasons why I loved her. I didn’t have to say it all; she just knew.

“I need you,” I admitted. “It scares me to death, but I do.”

“I know. Being vulnerable to someone is hard, especially when they end up hurting you. I’m not going to hurt you. Well, again. I’m not going to leave. If you’re sure, we’re in this together.”

I lifted my head, and she used her thumbs to wipe away my tears, just like I’d done to her. “I’m sure. Sometimes I need a kick in the pants, but I know now.”

She laughed, and a piece of my heart came back together. “I love everything about you. Well, except that you disappeared this week. I think I may have gotten my first gray hair at the age of twenty-three. Can you check for me?” I dipped my head down, and she laughed again. God, I loved that sound.

“Let’s get out of here,” she said. “I can’t believe the first time we admitted we loved each other was here, at the prison.”

“Tell me about it. This was not how it played out in my head.”

Julia lifted my hand and kissed it. “I don’t care where it was, just that it happened. What do you say we go find a five-star hotel and put the room to good use?”

“You don’t have to ask me twice.” I dipped my head and kissed her, my lips urgently conveying all that I’d already told her. When she groaned into my mouth, I felt my body light up with desire. “Let’s go. Quickly.”

“I know it was kind of crazy, but what did you think of Johnny?” Julia laid back, her head resting on my chest as we talked. I’d called Tracey and told her I’d found Julia, and she’d yelled and screamed and cried at Julia over the phone. She’d then talked to Paige. Now, it was just us. The way I wanted it to be.

I thought back to everything Johnny had told me. He didn’t expect me not to tell her, did he? “He loves you so much, Julia.”

She nodded. “I know. I feel bad I left things like that, but I know he can do something to fix this situation he’s in. He needs to do it, whatever it is. No matter how hard it is.”

“There are things you don’t know,” I said. She sat up, crossing her legs.

“What do you mean? He told you?”

I nodded. “Don’t be mad. I was freaked out that I couldn’t find you, and he just kind of started spilling it all.”

“So what is it? What’s the big reason that he won’t save himself?”

“You.”

“What do you mean, me?”

I sat up also, lifting her hand and kissing it gently. “Johnny told me that when he left home at eighteen and moved to LA, he got mixed up with these guys that he thought were his friends helping him get a recording studio to notice him. Except what they were doing was getting him involved in drug trafficking. He had no idea. Eventually he figured it out, and that’s when he moved back to Colorado and stayed with you.”

Her eyes were wide, but she didn’t say a word.

“They didn’t like that he knew information, so they started blackmailing him to help them.”

“Blackmailing him how?”

This was the part that was going to kill her. “They took pictures of you and would send them to Johnny. They were watching you.”

“What?”

I nodded. “Yes. That’s why he disappeared without saying anything to you, Julia. They were threatening to hurt you. So he went back. Then when he and the other guys got busted, he had a visit in jail. They had your house key.”

Julia gasped. “How did he know it was really mine?”

“He said it was purple with a sparkly J on it, just like yours. They’d taken it right off your keychain. It was a reminder for him to keep his mouth shut on the others that didn’t get busted.”

“All this time,” she said, looking down at her hands, “he’s been in there to protect me. So he’s never going to turn the other guys in, is he?”

I shook my head. “No. He can’t. He says he’s just hoping that they get busted or killed and solve his problem. I guess they’ve scared all of the ones that got busted that day enough to keep them quiet as well.”

“So he’s not going to get out of there until he’s in his forties. God, I’m the reason for all of it! For what’s going to happen to you
and
what happened to him! I’m poison, Carter!”

“Julia.” She was on the verge of hysteria again. “Stop. You aren’t poisoning anyone.”

“He loves me, and he’s locked up because of it. Now
you
love me and you’re going to lose the
one thing
in your life you wanted!”

“Listen to me. Yes, before I came to Colorado, my one and only dream was to work for GSJ. On paper, it looks like the best place in the world for someone like me. But you and I both know dreams change. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an accountant just like my dad. That was a childhood dream. But now, the reality of loving you and wanting to be with you, is way beyond what I could’ve imagined. I didn’t know I wanted it, needed it. But I do. I need
you
, not just anyone. Your brother is doing the same thing. He loves you more than he loves his freedom. He’s sacrificing to keep you safe.”

“But he could be out, living his life! Falling in love himself! Having a family! Playing music! Instead, he’s locked up for something he shouldn’t be, and he can’t even save himself because of me! How do I live with that?”

“You live with it because that’s the choice he’s made. You can’t do anything about it. You don’t know who these people are, and you don’t want to get involved in it.”

“Did he tell you?”

“No. I thought maybe they’d taken you, and I asked for a name. He refused to get me involved with them and said if they’d taken you, you’d be dead, and they’d make sure he knew about it.”

Julia shivered. “I need to talk to him, tell him I’m sorry for what I said.”

“I’m sure he knows, Julia. Johnny never told you on purpose. He doesn’t blame you.”

“I know he doesn’t,” she said. “But I still need to talk to him. He needs to know I love him. I . . . I can’t believe it. Why didn’t he just tell me?”

“I know it’s all hard to digest, but he thought he was doing what he needed to do to keep you safe. He loves you, Julia. Your safety and happiness are most important to him.”