Back To You (23 page)

I laughed.

“What’s so funny?”

“I just never expected to hear that come from the mouth of someone who sings hard screaming rock music for a living.”

“Like I said, it’s just a show.  There is a lot more to me than that.  Hold on.”  He moved to the back of the bus where there was a bed and a couple of shelves with music, a stereo and other personal items.  He fumbled around until he found what he wanted and put in the tape to play.

“What we do is fun.  I like the music.  But this is more
of what I like to listen to when I am by myself.”

The music started.  It sounded like a full orchestra.

“What is it?”

“Elton John.  His ‘Live in Australia’ album.  It’s aw
esome.”

“Never heard it.”  I said

“Take a listen.”  I loved hearing his accent as we talked. 

I could hear the music in the background as we talked about all kinds of stuff.  I told him about my mom and how pe
ople treat me differently because I don’t act like a schoolgirl most of the time.

“How old are you?”  He asked.

“Seventeen.”

“Wow.  I would have guessed you were at least
twenty.  You sure you are ok with being back here?”

“Planning on treating me like a slutty groupie?”  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear his answer.

“Nope.  Wasn’t even thinking about it.”

“Then I am fine with it.”

We talked and talked.  He told me about his life, his dreams, how he felt left out from the rest of the group sometimes because he didn’t like the lifestyle.  And as we talked he held my hand.  He told me a story from his past that was deeply touching.  An hour went by.  And then he kissed me.  And it was awkward, like he was nervous or something.  So I kissed him back.  His hand, still holding mine, touched my cheek.

“You
are so amazing.”  He said as his lips travelled down my chin and across my cheek to my ear.  “I am having a hard time resisting you.  I know I should stop.”

“Don’t stop.  Not yet.  It’s okay.”

“Tell me if I push too much.”

“Just keep kissing me like that and we should be perfec
tly fine.”

So he did.  He took his time.  He kissed me and touched me.  It felt so good.  I was desirable again after so long.  And not by some good ole country boy.  By someone who could have anyone he wan
ted.  But he wanted me.  Out of all the other girls there tonight.  Me.

Before I knew it, he was making love to me.  On a tour bus.  Listening to Elton John and his orchestra. Caressing me, touching me.  There was nothing raunchy about it.  There wasn’t anything about it at all except sweet lovemaking.  I hadn’t made love to an
yone since Jack.  I felt like an inexperienced girl. 

When it was over, he held me tight and had us laying
side by side, my head buried in his shoulder.  He was crying.

“I am so sorry.  I don’t know what came over me.”  He said.  “I feel like a shit.”

“Don’t be sorry.  It’s okay.”  And the moment of truth hit me like a ton of bricks.  I had just had sex with a rock star.  I was a total whore, I thought to myself.  But I smiled then too.  I just had sex with a rock star.  I was totally awesome.  But I also just had sex with a really nice guy who was lonely and wanted more out of life than a quick lay and a bottle of booze.  It was going to take me a minute to process this.  More than a minute.

I sat up and started to put my clothes back on.  “I hope you don’t think too badly of me.  I have never done this before.”

“Don’t worry.  I know you don’t.  You are different from the others.”

I no longer heard the loud music from the concert.

“Oh shit.”

“What?”  He asked as he was putting himself back t
ogether again too.

“Concert’s over.”  I looked out at the emptying parking lot.  “My friends are probably worried to death!  How am I going to get home?”

“I will make sure you get home if they are gone.”

“I better hurry up.  I hate leaving so fast.”

He was scribbling on a piece of paper.  He handed me the paper that had his home address on it.  “Write to me?”

I just looked at the paper, not believing what he was sa
ying.  Write to him?  Do rockers ask the women who sleep with them to write?  I would continue to hope that I hadn’t been duped into sleeping with him.  That it was ALL really just an act.  I didn’t believe that though.  If so, he needed an Oscar.

“Sure.  You want me to send the pictures?”

“Of course.”  He walked me to the door of the bus and helped me down the steps.  “We will be on the road for a few more weeks then back in LA for a break before we head back to the studio.  It might be a while before I can answer you, but I promise, I will.”

“Thanks for a great night.  I
’ll write.”  I said.

“No, thank you.  You are a beautiful woman Suzy.  I
nside and out.”

I ran over to
where Randy had parked his car.  Fortunately, he was just getting to his car as well.  Good, he didn’t see me leave the bus.

“Where have you been? 
I have been looking all over for you.  Didn’t see you at all during Cheap Trick.”

“Sorry.  I got all caught up talking to Dave from Shre
dders and missed most of it.  I figured I could meet you at the car when I couldn’t find you.”

“Uh huh...
” Randy teased me.  “Talking huh?”

“Yeah!  He wa
s really neat.  And he played the new Elton John and he showed me his collection of souvenirs from the tour so far...”  I babbled all the way home to keep him from asking any more questions I wasn’t prepared to answer.

I didn’t think I could tell anyone.  I was afraid of what pe
ople would think.  And honestly I didn’t want people to think of me the way most people thought of the Neon Twins.  Besides, it was so much more than that and I wasn’t sure anyone would believe that either.

There really isn’t any way to describe what thoughts went through my head that night.  What if I got pregnant?  What if I was a slut now?  What did I do?  Did he really think I was special and not a groupie?  Would he write back?  Was it all an act?  And what in the hell did I have to be ashamed of?  I was a single girl who was perfectly capable of having a fling if I wan
ted.  I just hoped I didn’t get AIDS or anything.

Ugh
, I was such a worry wart.

C
hapter 19

I had to tell SOMEONE.  I was going to explode if I didn’t tell someone I could trust.  Although I thought of Randy as one of my best friends, I knew I couldn’t tell him.  Somehow it would get back to Jack and I just wasn’t ready for that.  So I told Megan.  Who completely freaked out.

Being the worrier that I am, I had to tell someone that I feared the worst in every situation, especially this one.  I prayed I didn’t get pregnant.  I prayed I didn’t get ANYTHING.  Even though he used protection.  I went through bouts of guilt and even pride every once in a while for being bold and taking a chance.  Stupid chance maybe, but still.  Megan sat and listened.  She wouldn’t tell anyone.  She comforted me, she gossiped with me, and she was there for me to give me a hug when my period finally arrived. 
Lesson learned.  Don’t ever have sex when I wasn’t triple protected.

After I got the photos developed, I picked out the best ones and wrote a letter to Dave.  I sent it to his house in LA.  When I sent it off, I
hoped and prayed I would hear back. I did.

A
bout six weeks after the one night love affair, I got a letter from Dave.  I almost fainted.  He wrote about how meeting me had made him think.  He was writing music again after a long time of being blocked.  And he included a poem he had written to me.  It was originally titled Christmas in September.  It was about what a gift it had been meeting me and getting to know me.  I was blown away.  He wanted to incorporate it into a song for the band.  He said he didn’t know if we would ever see each other again, but he would always have the memories of our night together.  And the pictures I sent would remind him that there are some moments that will always remain in his heart and soul.

I had to sit down on that one.

*****

Suzy had been different lately.  Jack noticed that she ca
rried herself a little differently.  She had a distant look in her eyes as if she was somewhere else thinking of anything but school.  He didn’t have any classes with her that semester, but they had the same lunch.  She was not quite as bubbly as she had been in the past.  Except for the time after they broke up.  He hated making her so upset.  It was like daggers in his heart.  He knew it was the right thing, even if it hurt them both.  But now, she didn’t look sad or hurt.  She looked, well, preoccupied.  It wasn’t long after the concert that he heard she was writing again.  Only this time she was really writing.  Not poetry or a short story.  She was writing a book.  And she didn’t offer to let him read it.

Jack had his own things to worry about.  The holidays were coming up.  And he was interested in someone.  Really i
nterested.  It was the first time that he felt this way since he and Suzy had broken up.  And he was working up the courage to ask her out.  Veronica was cute.  She was tall, had dark hair and dark eyes.  She loved heavy metal music.  He thought she was almost perfect.

*****

Randy and Paulette broke up.  I was friends with them both, but my loyalties were to Randy.  Poor guy.  Paulette did it again.  Randy was friends with Ron, who was now going out with Paulette.  Let’s just say it was all a big mess.  I was proud of Randy for wanting to stay friends with Ron this time.  Personally I thought it was a shitty thing for her to do.

Other than hanging out with Megan, I planned to spend time with Randy over the holidays. 
Except when I was at Andrea’s for Christmas.  I loved spending the time with my family, but I was beginning to think that I would never make a good mother.  Andrea had two kids, ages three and fourteen months.  Kim had her son and he was a couple of months old.  I was surrounded by kids, and because I was young and fun, I was a jungle gym most of the time.  I really loved it, but I seriously doubted I could handle listening to whining and crying all of the time.  Censor your language, your TV, everything!  It seemed like everything was a battle or took three times longer than it should.  I might have considered being a mom in the future, but I had way too many things I wanted to do first.  I figured I could be the “cool” Aunt Suzy for a while. 

Our trip was a good distraction from my own reality.  I
love my family.  We might be quirky, but there was nothing in the world like knowing no matter what, someone was there to help catch you when you fall.  Besides, we laughed and talked a lot.  Andrea’s husband had been a friend of the family since I was three, so I can’t remember a time when he wasn’t around.  He would always be my big brother.  I hoped that life kept them together, especially since divorce was so easy.  They had what it took to make it for the long haul.  And to think, they fell in love at age sixteen.  Hmpf.  No chance that kind of happy ending would happen for me.

Once we got home, I was ready for two things.  Silence, and space.  Anytime we were all together like that, it was a co
mplete noisy chaotic adventure.  Sometimes I just liked to listen to absolutely nothing after a wild few days like that.  I missed my niece and nephew (Kim’s son lived in our house, so I didn’t miss him), but it was nice to spread out on my bed and not worry that some miniature human would be jumping on me at any moment.

After a little while of enjoying the silence, I went straight to my old, heavy, blue, rotary dial telephone to catch up with some friends.  I’d had some life changing conversations on that phone.  And a lot of meaningless gossip too.  Everyone I knew h
ad these new, smaller phones but mine was practically antique.  It took forever to dial someone’s number on the rotary, especially if there was a nine or zero in the number.  At least I had blue in my room so it matched.  Sometimes I would think about the people I had talked to on that phone.  And yes, sometimes as I would go to sleep, I looked at the phone and thought about the late night phone conversations I shared with Jack, lying on my bed, daydreaming that one day we would grow old together.  I thought about Andrea and Wes sometimes because I had so desperately wanted a love like that with Jack.  But odds were against me, and I doubted that two fairy tale endings were allowed in one family.

Randy was the first one I called.  I wanted to check
to see how he was doing.  He seemed okay.  His dad had gotten copies of all of the Omen movies for the VCR.  Randy invited me over for an all night marathon of Damian, junk food and hanging out.  It sounded perfect. 

When Randy pulled up in the driveway, I grabbed my oversized purse stuffed with a change of clothes and my toot
hbrush and kissed Mom as I dashed out of the door.  I liked hanging out with Randy.  We got along really well.  Sometimes it would get awkward when one or both of us thought about the crush he used to have on me, but it would pass and we would be right back to just hanging out. 

Randy’s dad was a deputy sheriff, so he was rarely home when we hung out at Randy’s, sort of like my mom.  No one else was coming over so it was just the two of us.  And
Damian, the spawn of Satan.  I remember watching the first Omen movie a long time before then, but I didn’t remember much, only that it was really creepy.  It was a good thing we were watching all of them.  Domino’s delivered pizza and we drank Coke (what else?).  In between movies we took pee breaks and scrounged around for more food or whatever.  And we talked.

I had met a lot of people in my life, but Randy
was one of the most genuinely nice guys I had ever met.  I hated that his heart was broken.  He hated that mine was still broken too.  We leaned on each other like good friends are supposed to.  We made each other laugh, talked about how we manage to move on every day, and then we would throw in a conversation about religion (we were watching the Omens so it HAD to come up sometime).  And we complained about not having a significant other during the holidays.

After the second movie, I got up to stretch my legs and refresh my drink.  When I came back into the living room, Randy had a small package sitting next to him on the couch.

“Hey, I know you said you never got a Christmas present from a guy before.  SO I thought you might like to be able to say you have...” He looked almost shy and nervous.

“No fair, I didn’t get you anything.”

“Yes you did.  You made me feel like a person again and cheered me up.  I couldn’t have asked for a better gift than that.”

“You goof.”  I laughed.  “You were there for me when I needed you most after...”  I couldn’t finish the sentence.

“That’s what friends are for.  Now shut up and open your gift.”

First I opened the card.  Of course it was a tasteless Sa
nta card doing obscene things.  That was Randy all right.  And inside he wrote the words “Your first Christmas present from a guy.”  The gift was the newest Van Halen cassette.

“Randy, its perfect!  Thanks so much!”

“Just don’t forget who gave you the first “guy” Christmas present, huh?”

“Never.”

“Now let’s see how the Antichrist conquers the world, shall we?”

“Yep.”  I paused a second and gave him a big hug. 
“Thank you for being my friend.”  He hugged back, holding on a little longer than normal.  When I pulled back, I said, “Okay, enough mushy stuff, lets watch some movies.”

The rest of the night went fast.  Randy’s dad came in around two in the morning and went to bed while we were still watching movies and goofing off.  The last movie ended just as we could see the beginning of dawn.  I had already changed into my pj’s and went to brush my teeth.  Randy had two twin beds in his room and he had one made up for me.  We talked some more as we watched the light grow brighter
.  At some point we both fell asleep, both of us feeling a little less alone in the world.

*****

Jack was more than ready to get back to school after the Christmas break.  There was just only so much time he spent with his parents before he started going nuts.  He spent some time talking to friends on the phone and tried to get together to hang out with Randy and a few others.  Jack knew Randy was having a tough time with the break up.  Late one morning Jack called Randy’s house and his dad answered.

“Hey Jack, what’s up?”  Randy’s dad was so cool.

“Not much.  Is Randy around?”

“Well, he
’s here, but they are dead to the world right now.  I can have him call you when he gets up.”

“They?”

“Yeah, Suzy came over and they stayed up all night watching movies.”

“Oh.  Anyone else come over?”

“Nope.  Just Suzy.  I will probably get them up soon.  I am sure they are hungry.  Of course, after the disaster they left in the kitchen, who knows if there is any food left in the house.”  He was laughing.

“Well, okay.”  Jack was at a loss for words.  Suzy spent the night?  At Randy’s?  And no one else was there?  “
Just let him know I called.”

“You got it.”

Jack hung up with a tumble of emotions flowing through him
.  Suzy and Randy?  Can’t be
.  But he had no right to feel like that.  After all he had been out with Veronica a couple of times over the break.  He made out with her, even thought about sex soon.  So why did the news of Randy and Suzy hanging out bother him?  Veronica made him feel good.  She really seemed to understand him.  They talked about music and movies, hopes and dreams.  She kissed pretty damn good too.  He knew he could fall hard for her.  Jack dismissed the feeling in the pit of his stomach and picked up the phone to call Veronica.

*****

The rest of the school year was a whole lot of the same routine day after day.  Get up, go to school, come home, make food, sing a little, do homework, write a little and go to bed.  Weekends were spent with Megan mostly, and sometimes with Randy.  I finally had to put Jack as far out of my mind as possible.  He seemed pretty happy in his new relationship with Veronica.  I didn’t have any real prospects, but that was okay.  Okay, not really.  Friends are awesome, but I really missed feeling a guy’s arms around me, and kissing, and all of the crazy emotions that make your head spin when you are turned on.

What I didn’t understand was why no one asked me out.  Plenty of guys flirted with me.  But that was all.  Most of the time I was treated like a friend, or nothing at all.  Some guys would turn away from me if I looked at them.  It was confusing.

I would look hard at myself in the mirror and wonder why I was so unattractive to the male species.  My hair was getting a lot longer and was still crazy, thank goodness it was the style to have fluffy hair.  So I had a few zits, didn’t everyone?  People told me I had beautiful eyes.  They were pretty, but they weren’t exotic or anything.  I wasn’t a beanpole, but I was in no way overweight.  My boobs were ample.  Teeth were straight (thank God for braces).  Maybe I just wasn’t the type of girl that guys liked.  That certainly didn’t help with the self image problems I already had.  Sometimes I felt at war with myself.  I would see the girl looking back at me from the other side of the mirror and sometimes I saw a beautiful girl with lots to offer, big hopes and dreams and the drive to get the hell out of Louisiana and start over.  Other times I saw a girl who was shy, far from perfect with a screwed up home life and nothing to offer anyone.