Back to You (12 page)

“Why didn’t you answer my letters?” she asked him with curious eyes.

He looked up from his cup of cocoa. He had never received any letters – his heart sank at the realization. “What letters?”

“The letters I sent you when I first went to NYU. There must have been half a dozen of them. I didn’t receive
one
reply.”

He rubbed his forehead and looked up at her – suddenly, there was so much anger in him. “I never got them.”

They were both speechless.

“I sent them to your house, with a note to your mother to forward them to you,” she explained. “I had no idea where you were.”

He sighed. “Well, you knew my mother.” He didn’t need to say more – they both knew how unreliable and selfish she had been.

“If I had gotten them, I would have written back to you, Snow… you must know that.”

“I wondered why you weren’t writing back,” she remembered, “but I thought you were mad at me because of Prom,” she went on, “…the night you kissed me. Remember?”

He smiled. “Oh yeah… as much as I don’t want to,” he joked, softening the mood.

Silence filled the room again, and they looked at each other for the longest time.

“I didn’t know a thing about what you were up to, but I’d always hoped you were happy,” she said softly.

Her words surprised him. They made him realize something – that as far as she was concerned, there was no animosity between them, no bad blood. She’d always wanted the best for him.

“I missed you,” she confessed. “I’d always daydream we’d meet up again.”

He had too. But in his daydreams, he had put her in her place, and he had not had the slightest hint of feelings for her. But reality was a completely different matter.

He smiled at her words. “And we did,” he said. “…get together again.”

“But you looked different in my dreams,” she added.

“How?”

“Well, you were kind of an older version of what you were like when I’d last seen you,” she explained.

He laughed. “You mean I was still awkward and thin as a rail, with acne and bad hair?”

She joined in his laughter. “Pretty much.”

They sat quietly for a while, drinking hot chocolate. John realized his walls were slowly crumbling – they had been for a while. And this scared him. The walls he had built to protect himself from being hurt again. Although he realized she would never purposely hurt him on purpose – she did love him – he was part of her story, her past. But whether she wanted him to be part of her future, he didn’t know.

“You must be looking forward to getting back to the city.”

She smiled. “Surprisingly, not as much as you would think,” she admitted. “But I do I miss the shopping.”

“But it’s probably not a terrible thing to shop a little less,” he joked.

She laughed. “You’re absolutely right,” she agreed. “But the antique shopping here is fun. There’s always that.”

“An addict will always find a source,” he teased.

“You know me too well.”

“Does Jesse miss school and his friends,” he asked, trying to get a clearer view of their home life.

“No,” she said softly. “Unfortunately he has more enemies than friends.”

John wondered how that could be. He was such a nice kid. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I was actually thinking about putting him in a new school,” she told John, cheerful.

The words dashed John’s hopes – she was planning on returning home, already making plans.

“That might be a good idea,” John said softly.

“Well, it couldn’t be any worse than his current situation,” she noted, hugging her cup of cocoa. “I just want him to be happy.”

“I’ve sent in an application for a great private school in our neighborhood,” she explained. “If he doesn’t get in, it will kill me. I have a feeling he could do very well there.”

“Well, one thing he’s got going for him,” John said, “is you.”

She smiled and looked down at her cup again. “I just wish I could do more. Does Paige have these sorts of problems at school?”

“Fortunately, she doesn’t,” he told her. “Her school is great, and she has a really nice group of friends.”

“That’s great. She’s a wonderful kid. She seems really happy.”

“I think she is. Sometimes life is tough for children of divorce, but it doesn’t seem to be the case for her.”

“It’s because you’re a great dad,” Sophie told him. He was glad she had noticed. He was a good father, and he could even be a great father to Jesse, and a great husband. He rubbed his forehead, scolding himself for dreaming again – dreaming only led to disappointment.

“Are you okay, John?” she asked with a sudden look of concern. “I didn’t mean to get so personal.”

“It’s fine, Snow,” he assured her. “I should go upstairs. I’ve got some work to do in my office,” he said quietly. He had to get away from her. His defenses were crumbling, and she had made it clear she wasn’t planning on staying past the summer. He would soon have to say goodbye again.

Snow climbed into her cozy flannel pajamas – they would be warm enough for the cool walk back home. She was looking forward to it – a nice moonlit walk, alone with her thoughts – there was so much going on in her head.

She knew she had said something wrong, but didn’t know what that was. She could see it in his eyes. He was upset at the end of their conversation, and she desperately wanted to know why. But she didn’t have the guts to ask.

She pulled her hair in a ponytail, wrapped it in a bun, and put on a cozy wool cap. She put on her fuzzy socks, packed her things, and set out to leave. But she couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.

She found John working over some papers in his office. He smiled at the sight of her.

“Quite a get-up you’ve got there,” he said with a laugh.

She looked down at herself and realized that she did look odd. “Just wanted to be warm and cozy for the walk home.”

“I can walk you home,” he offered, his gaze seeking hers, “…if you would like.”

“Nah...” she started, but thought for a second that a walk could be a good opportunity to talk. “I would like that actually.”

“It’s so dark out,” he pointed out, “and I wouldn’t want you to scare the neighbors.”

She laughed. “I see you’re as funny as ever,” she said with a hint of sarcasm.

They walked slowly under the moonlight. The cool air felt delicious on Sophie’s skin and she could detect the faintest smell of a nearby campfire burning. Although her body delighted in the physical sensations, her mind was quite preoccupied.

“John…” Sophie hesitated. “Did I say something earlier?” she asked, “…when we were talking at the table. I have a feeling I upset you.”

He looked at her. “Absolutely not. You didn’t upset me.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, not quite convinced.

“It wasn’t you. It was me,” he said by way of explanation, which didn’t help.

“What do you mean?” she asked, confused.

“Well…” he hesitated, not quite looking at her. “…it was something you said about going back home,” he confessed. “I guess I’m upset you’ll be leaving soon.”

Her heart stopped. She certainly had never intended on upsetting him. She had been upset at the thought too.

“I know… it upsets me too,” she confessed. “I’ll miss all this,” she told him, “and you.”

He smiled the slightest of smiles.

“So it’s not just me,” he said.

“Nope,” she said, taking his hand in hers on an impulse.

He flinched a little.

“I’m sorry,” she said, quickly removing her hand from his.

He smiled and took her hand in his, and intertwined his fingers with hers. His hand felt so warm and large against hers, and it fit like a glove.

“Just like the old days,” he said.

She smiled as she remembered them, ages ago, walking hand in hand, just about everywhere they went.

When they got to the porch, John said a quick goodbye and kissed her softly on the cheek. Although it was the most innocent of kisses, it was torture. She wanted to pull him to her and properly kiss him, but she knew her mother and Jesse were probably sitting on the sofa looking out the window – she knew it was not a tangible possibility. She had never been so physically bothered in her entire life.

She did a mental inventory of her almost forty years of life and dating as she entered the house and kicked off her flip-flops – yes, it was official – she had never been so sexually frustrated in her entire existence.

She’d always thought of herself as a modern liberated woman, having climbed the ladder of success with aplomb, having a modern approach to life – her lifestyle as contemporary as can possibly be. Why couldn’t she just take the bull by the horns when it came to John? Just tell him she wanted him and just make it happen – if only for one night.

But she realized she was still old-fashioned when it came to these things – she desperately wanted him to make the first move. And she had never been a master at the art of seduction. It was hopeless.

“Nice bath?” her mother asked with a cheeky grin.

Sophie rolled her eyes, knowing her mother too well. “Yes, Mom, but it wasn’t what you think.”

Unfortunately.

“So let me get this straight,” Gloria started. “There’s absolutely nothing going on with you two?”

“Well… not nothing,” Sophie confessed. “…but no sex, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“What’s wrong with you two?” Gloria asked, clearly stupefied. “You two are clearly crazy about each other.”

Sophie smiled.

“Subject closed, Mom… okay?”

Gloria nodded a reluctant yes.

“Oh… by the way,” she said suddenly. “A Mr. Jenkins called from New York. I took down all the info. It’s on the table in the hall.”

A sharp twinge of nerves hit Sophie. She had completely forgotten about the job she had applied for. Part of her had really wanted it – the old career-driven her. But this new, wiser part of her was not as enthusiastic, realizing it would entail long hours away from her son who really needed her. The past weeks she had spent just enjoying life and being with her loved ones had made her realize what was important. But on the other hand, despite the fact that she wasn’t hurting financially, a large luxury condo on the Upper East Side and private school fees were quite the expense – she still needed to get a decent job.

And she needed to stop living this life of leisure – and get back to reality.

Chapter 11

JOHN and Paige sat on the sofa, eating bologna sandwiches and carrot sticks. She begged him to sit on the sofa and watch TV, and her tireless persistence wore him out. She usually had a way of getting what she wanted – she had her daddy wrapped around her little finger in fact – and she knew it.

They were watching a show which had become a staple at the house, but John still wasn’t sure what it was called. It featured a dark-haired teenage girl who was very clumsy and had a proclivity to fall into the most embarrassing and strangest of scenarios. Surprisingly, John often found himself watching with great interest, laughing often. He enjoyed these times with his daughter, despite the fact that they weren’t really interacting, like they used to.

He studied her as she sat, focused on the TV, oblivious to him. She was growing up so fast, and soon, she would no longer be his little girl. Already, they were no longer playing games and running around at the park. She was either watching TV, playing her solitary video games, or occasionally chatting with friends on the phone. Often, she would have a friend over and completely ignore him. Occasionally, he could still cajole her into playing a board game or a game of cards. But she was slipping…

“I’m actually all out of sweets. I thought we could make some cookies,” he suggested, excited at the thought of doing something fun with Paige.

“Uh… sure,” she said taking a bite out of her sandwich, her eyes still glued to the girl on the television.

“From scratch, just like we used to,” he added, smiling at the girl on TV who had just wiped out, holding a tray of cafeteria food – the chocolate milk shake spilling gloriously all over her principal.

“No more TV after this show.”

She gave him a little frown. “Whatever. Sure.”

John took out all the ingredients needed to make peanut butter cookies – they had always been a favorite of Paige’s. He grabbed a couple of bowls and two measuring cups from the cupboard.

“You mix the dry ingredients,” he told her. “That’s your job remember?”

“Um… dad… I think you’re forgetting something,” Paige said with a cheeky smile.

“Uh… what?” he asked, curious. “I’ve got everything I need right here.”

“You’re not wearing your special apron,” she pointed out, referring to the apron with the giant red dots he always wore when they baked cookies.

He laughed. “I think I’ll pass on that, Paige.”

“But daddy,” she pleaded, “it’s tradition.”

Of course he relented. Her big blue puppy-dog eyes wouldn’t have it any other way.

She laughed at him as he reluctantly put on the silly apron, frowning exaggeratingly for comical effect.

Paige proceeded to get herself covered in flour as she always did. John smiled, wondering how she always managed to do that. He mixed the peanut butter and the sugar, enjoying the rare moment with his daughter.

“Can I beat in the eggs?” she asked enthusiastically. And for a slightest glimpse of a moment, he could see her six-year old face again.

“We’ll have to let this sit in the fridge for an hour,” he told her. “How about a game of Monopoly while we wait?” he suggested, grasping at the rare opportunity to spend time with his daughter.

“Um…” she pondered it for a second or two. “Sure,” she said simply, and brought a smile to her dad’s face. “I’m the dog,” she said cheerfully.

“I’ll be–”

“Oh… let me guess…you’re the boot.”

“How did you know?” he asked, not really asking. “You must be psychic.”

She laughed. “You’re always the boot, dad,” she pointed out, rolling her eyes ever so slightly. But this roll of the eyes was accompanied by a huge grin.

John often beat her when they played Monopoly and she never cried – he was always impressed by her composure. She was even tempered and didn’t take things too seriously. He remembered himself playing the game as a child and he had been the complete opposite of her. He would get so emotionally involved. He cringed at the memory of his occasional outbursts. The person whom he hated losing to the most had to have been Sophie. How she would get under his skin. He smiled at the memory.

“What’s so funny,” Paige asked as she moved the little dog along the board.

“Oh...” he smiled. “I was just remembering playing this game with Sophie when I was young,” he confessed. “She would always beat me.”

“I’m not surprised,” she said laughing. “She seems way smarter than you.”

He frowned. “You be careful how you speak to you dad,” he joked.

“I really like her,” she added. “She’s nice.”

He smiled. “I like her too.” He knew he liked her a little too much, in fact.

“Well duh…” Paige said. “That’s pretty obvious.”

Surprised, John asked, “Is it really that obvious?”

“You look at her like she’s some kind of precious stone or something.”

He was amazed at his daughter’s perception. He had never imagined she would ever notice something like that. But she had. Had everyone else? Had Sophie?

“This is my favorite part,” Paige said as she rolled the dough into a perfect ball.

“Me too,” John agreed. He loved working with his hands; whether it was carpentry or baking.

“This is fun,” she said simply, delicately sitting the perfect ball down on the cookie sheet.

“I know,” he agreed. “We should do this more often.”

“You look ridiculous in that apron, by the way.”

“Really?” he asked with a joking frown. “I thought I was rather handsome in this.”

She laughed. “Very.”

“Here,” he said, handing her a fork. “I’ll let you do this part. I know it’s your favorite.”

He studied her has she flattened the cookies and took great care in making perfect criss-cross imprints. He could see himself in her so clearly; in her mannerisms, her delicate hand, her crooked smile – it was amazing.

The timer buzzed loudly.

“I think they’re ready,” John announced sprinting towards the oven. All the smells of baking had made him hungry – he’d always had a sweet tooth.

“We should have them at my table like we used to,” Paige suggested, looking over at the small round yellow table abandoned in the corner of the kitchen.

John laughed. “You’re not too big for that?” he asked, remembering sitting awkwardly on the small wooden chair, drinking tea from a tiny porcelain cup.

“Well, if you fit on one those chairs, I can too,” she pointed out. “And I could get some iced tea from the fridge,” she added “…and it’ll be exactly like before.”

He liked the idea of recapturing one of those precious fleeting moments. It wouldn’t be long until she would be off to college.

“Sounds great,” he said, surprised to find himself so enthusiastic about the idea.

They sat quietly at the table, eating cookies and sipping iced tea from the tiny daisy covered porcelain cups. John felt utterly ridiculous, but the look on Paige’s face made it all worth it. They looked at each other without a word, smiles communicating everything they needed to.

Paige was the first to break the silence. “I hope you don’t break that chair,” she said. “What are you, like two hundred pounds?”

He laughed. “Not quite,” he said, giving her a raised eyebrow. “And I’ll have you know… I built these chairs myself. They’re very sturdy.”

“That’s good,” she said. “We would not want an unfortunate mishap interrupting our lovely tea time,” she said, attempting a sophisticated British accent, “…now would we, kind Sir?”

He laughed. Yep… she was getting older, but she was still the same old Paige.

Sophie knew she was being quite transparent. Of course, she had a legitimate reason to be walking over to John’s, she thought, holding the sunglasses in her hands. But she knew very well they were the not the reason she was making her way there – they were a pretext – a ruse. He could easily get them when he showed up at her house the next morning. But any excuse she could use to see him… she would take advantage of. Ever since that bath at his house, she hadn’t been able to keep her mind off him.

She wondered if he would see right through her. Of course he would. John didn’t miss a thing. She wondered what he would be doing on a Thursday night. What if he was out? He could very well be out. What if he had a date over? That could be embarrassing.

As she made her way up the steps of the porch, she started to second-guess herself. Maybe she shouldn’t have come. As she knocked on the door, she heard the faint sound of laughing and John talking. She regretted coming, but it was too late to turn back.

John’s appearance brought a smile to her face; disheveled as he usually was, wearing the most ridiculous apron. Cooking sure looked good on him.

“You’re cooking?”

He smiled shyly; that crinkly-eyed smile which had the capability of making her melt if she looked at it long enough. “Actually, I was baking,” he explained. “Come in.” He was clearly happy to see her. This was a great relief – there was probably no gorgeous date sitting on his sofa.

“Hi Sophie,” Paige said cheerfully, between cookie bites.

“Hi Paige,” Sophie replied, slowly making her way in, not wanting to intrude on their fun.

“I-I just came to bring over your sunglasses,” she explained, setting them on the counter. She was surprised by how nervous she was. She was sure he could see right through her.

“Thanks,” he said “I was looking for those.” 

“Would you like to join us,” he offered with a smile, gesturing towards the small table. “There’s an extra seat.”

Sophie laughed at the sight of the small yellow table, laid out with a tea set, complete with little pink napkins. “I think he might mind,” she pointed out, looking at the big old teddy bear who appeared to be sitting quite comfortably on one of the chairs – Sophie guessed he had most likely been sitting there forever, gathering dust.

“Oh… that’s just Poncho,” John told her and threw him in the air. “He won’t mind.”

“Daddy,” Paige laughed. “That’s my Poncho.”

Sophie hesitated before taking a seat between Paige and John. Being petite, she found she could tuck her legs under the table if she tilted them a bit. John on the other hand, did not have that luxury; his long legs looked awkward sitting on the tiny chair – it was almost comical.

Paige set up an extra place-setting while John poured Sophie a ‘tea’ with delicate care.

“Cookie?” he offered with a smile. He was being silly and she loved him the most when he was like that. She tried to focus her attention on Paige, but he had a way of distracting her without even trying.

“They’re peanut butter… from scratch,” he boasted. She took a bite, not expecting much – she had had her share of gourmet cookies.

Surprised, she took another bite. “These are great,” she said between bites. “You made these?”

“I have a few secret talents too.”

She smiled at him. “More than a few,” she whispered with a sly smile without even thinking – he had that effect on her. She was thinking of the way he had kissed her and the way he had touched her. There was no doubt the man was gifted.

He smiled and shifted in his chair. “Well, I have been told I’m a pretty good carpenter too.”

“Oh yes… that too,” she said mischievously.

He shifted his gaze to Paige who seemed oblivious, pouring herself some more iced tea. “You are bad,” he mouthed to Sophie.

“It’s that apron,” she teased. “It’s doing things to me,” she whispered in a barely audible voice.

He smiled that wide grin she loved and she thought he would be best if she cooled off on the flirting before she got herself too worked up. What in the hell was he doing to her – he was turning her into a senseless sex-crazed woman.

And she had always been so sensible.

***

Jesse sat on the sofa hugging a giant bowl of popcorn. He studied the seven wooden letters, contemplating his next move.

Sophie was getting impatient. “We don’t have all day, Jesse.” She smiled at him. “It’s already past bedtime,” she reminded him.

“The game’s almost over, and you’re way ahead of me,” he pointed out. “Some of us don’t have degrees in English.”

Jesse had always been a smart Alec and she liked that about him. “Well, you’re smarter than me,” she assured him.

“But you’re still winning.”

She smiled. The kid was pretty good at Scrabble, but she was still better.

“Just give me another second.”

She rolled her eyes, grabbed the giant bowl of popcorn from his hands and popped a few in her mouth.

The phone rang and Sophie wondered who could be calling at this hour.

She answered on the third ring. “Hello.”

She recognized his soft-spoken voice right away. “Hi Snow,” he said. Just the sound of his voice had an effect on her. She was also very curious about the reason he was calling.