Bad For Me (15 page)

Part 2 - JJ

Chapter 26

My instinct was to run after Megan, but I knew it wouldn't do any good. She was so angry, and certainly in no mood to listen to anything I might have to say. Right from the start, I'd wanted to tell her the truth, but I'd been terrified that once she knew, she'd want nothing more to do with me. It looks like I was right. There was no point in my staying in the office—I was in no shape to get any work done. I needed to think, so I made my way back to my apartment.

This whole mess had started almost two years ago. I'd been so far gone that I hadn't realised my drinking was out of hand. Not until:

“Look!” Janet screamed in my ear. “Just look at yourself.” She pushed me towards the mirror. “Look at the state of you. You're a disgusting mess. You stink of alcohol.”

“Who asked you?” I shook off her hand.

“I don't need anyone to ask me. You're my brother—I care about you. I won't stand idly by while you piss your life away.”

“I've had a few drinks—that's all.”

“Do you even know what day it is?”

“Course I do.” I looked around desperately trying to see something that might give me a clue. “It's Wednesday.”

“It's Friday. Do you know when you were last in the office?”

“Yesterday. Not that it's any of your business.”

“You haven't been in the office since Monday. Monday, JJ! Do you hear me?”

“I own the bloody company. I can go in when I please.”

“There won’t be a company if you don't get your act together.”

“The business is doing just fine thank you very much.”

“The business is in the shit, and sinking fast. Caroline said... ”

“Caroline? I might have known. It's got nothing to do with Caroline. I'll fire her arse.”

“Over my dead body. Caroline is the only thing between you and bankruptcy. That's why she came to see me.”

“I'll fucking fire her.”

That day was imprinted on my mind. It had been my lowest point. If Janet hadn't intervened when she had, I'm not sure I would have made it. I'd hated her at the time. I'd hated Caroline too. I'd hated everyone. The only thing that had mattered to me back then was where my next drink was coming from. I'd fought with Janet every step of the way, but in the end I'd agreed to go to Mossbry. The clinic had saved my life.

Somehow, I managed to hide my drink problem from Julie. I couldn't bear to tell her the truth. She had always looked up to me—goodness knows why. I didn't want her to know her big brother was a worthless drunk, so I lied. When I told her that I'd be away setting up the new office, she believed me. She trusted me. In some ways, that made things even worse.

Life after the clinic had been a series of AA meetings and a long period of readjustment. It had been several months before I'd felt confident enough to contact Julie. Little had I known that our reunion would change my life forever. I'd always been a bit of a flirt—it came naturally. I'd had my share of girlfriends, but none of them meant anything to me. I hadn't treated them badly (at least I hadn't intended to), but I'd never
felt
anything for them. I'd thought all the talk about
love
was just so much garbage dreamt up by women's magazines. Then I met  Megan, and I didn't know what had hit me—I hadn't known it was possible to feel like that. It scared me, but I knew immediately that she was the one. Even so, I very nearly blew it before it got started:

“How do you feel?” I asked.

It was the day after I'd found Julie drunk at Dandy's nightclub.

“Like someone took a road drill to my head.” Julie had her head in her hands.

I'd been worried about her all night, so had gone over to make sure she was okay. I'd tried to get her to come back to my place the previous night, but she wouldn't listen—she'd been too smashed.

“Serves you right,” I said. “How much did you have to drink?”

“I wasn't counting.”

“You can't carry on like this.”

“If you've come around here to give me another lecture, you can fuck off. I had enough of you last night. I'm not a little kid any more—you don't have to look after me.”

“You weren't in any state to look after yourself last night.”

“Megan was with me.”

“Huh.”

“What does that mean?”

“'I'm not sure you should be living with her. You didn't used to drink like this before she moved in.”

“Megan? Are you crazy? It's got nothing to do with Megan.”

“I still think you would be better finding another flatmate.”

“Megan is teetotal. She never drinks—not a drop. Her mother is an alcoholic. If anything, she's the reason I don't drink more often. I don't like to drink in front of her in the flat. I practically had to drag her to Dandy's last night. She didn't want to go. And, from what I can remember, she was the one who got me home last night.”

“Shit.”

“What?”

“I accused her of being responsible for your drinking.”

“Then you're a bloody idiot.”

“I know. How can I put it right?”

“You'll have to grovel big time.”

“I know what I'll do—I'll buy her a cake.”

The cake hadn't worked. Megan hadn't wanted to know me after that night at Dandy's. No matter how I'd tried, I'd been unable to break down her defences. Then an opportunity had presented itself out of the blue. Megan had been let down over a work placement, so I'd arranged for her to do it at DraxSoft. On the first day, she hadn't shown up, and I'd been livid. I'd gone around to the flat after work, and given her a piece of my mind, but then:

“JJ,” Julie said. “You've just missed Megan. Her mother... ”

“I saw her on my way up here. She shot off as soon as she saw me. Ungrateful little sod... ”

“Wait, JJ...”

“Don't bother sticking up for her, Julie. I know she's your friend, but there's no excuse for not turning up. How does she ever expect to get a job if... ?”

“Her mother's in hospital—in a coma.”

“Shit. Why didn't she tell me?”

“Did you give her the chance?”

“Why didn't you let me know?”

“I didn't know myself until she came home a couple of hours ago. I tried to call you, but you didn't pick up.”

“What happened to her mother?”

“Fell down the stairs. Drunk, I think. Megan's brother called her this morning just before she set off to DraxSoft.”

“Is her mother going to be okay?”

“They don't know. Megan's going back to the hospital now.”

“How's she getting there?”

“Bus.”

“I'll give her a lift. I need to apologise—again!”

Over the following two weeks, I came to realise just how tough Megan's life had been. Her father had walked out, her mother was an alcoholic, and her brother was a waste of space. I'd managed to persuade her to resume the placement, and I'd taken her to visit her mother in hospital every day. That was until the night when I'd taken her out for a meal to celebrate completing her placement. I can still remember the look on her face when she'd taken the call to tell her that her mother had died. It had been my fault that she hadn't been at her mother's side that night. My selfishness.

“Megan's gone!” Julie  sounded almost hysterical.

“Slow down!” I said. “What do you mean gone?”

“She's left, and she hasn't taken her keys.”

“Did she say where she was going?”

“She didn't say anything—not even a note.”

“Has she taken her things?”

“Her suitcase and clothes have gone.”

“When did you last see her?”

“After the funeral. She didn't say much, but I hadn't expected her to. She was still here this morning—I assumed she was asleep, so I didn't disturb her.”

“What about her brother?”

“She won't have gone back there.”

“He might know where she is.”

“I can try, but I doubt it.”

“We have to find her, sis. It's my fault.”

“It's not your fault, JJ.”

“Of course it is. If I hadn't persuaded her to come out for dinner with me, she would have been with her mother when... ”

“That wasn't your fault.”

“Megan thinks so. You heard what she said.”

“She was angry. She wasn't thinking straight.”

“We have to find her, Julie. We have to bring her back.”

Megan's brother hadn't known where she'd gone. No one had known. That had been one of the darkest times I'd ever known, and I'd almost lapsed. It was the first time I'd ever called on my AA buddy:

“I'm sorry to drag you out,” I said.

“It's not a problem,” Susan said. “Have you... ?”

“No.”

“But you want to?”

“Not want. Need.”

“What's happened?”

“You remember I told you about Megan?”

Susan nodded.

“She's gone. Run away without a word.”

“I know you had feelings for her. What happened?”

“It's a long story, but basically I fucked up.”

“Can you put it right?”