Be My December (12 page)

And then there was Ky.

Confusing yet intriguing Ky Crawford.

I rushed down the sidewalk as quickly as my stupid high heels would allow. My mind kept replaying the feeling of Ky’s breath dancing on my lips and the weight of his hand, so delicately yet with so much ownership, on my waist as he pulled me into the firmness of his chest. It was so unexpected, so frightening, yet so exhilarating and that was what freaked me out.

I had said no to him.

I said the one word I promised myself I’d never say. What the hell had I been thinking? No meant consequences, it meant pain, it meant torment, it meant ramifications, and it was only a matter of time before they would be unleashed on me. Ky would be coming for me all because I said no.

The moment the cab pulled in front of the hotel, I realized I had a sea of people in the foyer to get through before I got to the sanctuary of my room. Thankfully my room was on the ground floor so I wasn’t confronted with the awkward elevator ride with strangers while I fell apart. I paid the cab driver, shot out of the cab and with my head down, I moved through the foyer, down the hall until my eyes finally locked onto the door that would lead me to safety.

It was only after I had locked and dead bolted the door behind me that I finally took in a shuddering breath. My exhausted body slid down the back of the polished wood door and fell into a heap on the floor as my safety of solitude arrived. A waterfall of tears slid over my cheeks as I drew my knees to my chest. This was my life. This was what I had been living with. It was those moments of intense panic that gripped me, the confusion and fight of my heart versus head and the constant battle of whether I would ever be able to have a normal relationship, with normal feelings, with normal reactions to a man. This was the reality that had been forced on me and the fear that adorned my every breath. 

Fear was a devastating thing. It gripped you to the point of being completely incapacitated and swallowed every rational thought that was your given right. The most frightening part of fear was that it had the potential to completely destroy you if you let it. 

I didn’t know how long I sat there. My body locked tight until I was frozen stiff and gasping for any air I could summon. Jeremy decided to appear behind my eyes and once again he showed me all that made me who I was today. Every time that nightmare appeared, I relived the pain, the agony, the brutal hurt he delivered to me. I tasted every single disgusting, whiskey-fueled kiss he planted on my mouth and my body ached as I felt every forced and excruciating entry he took without consent from my body. I slammed my eyes shut, praying for something, anything to take me away from this.

The familiar ring of an incoming call finally offered me my desired solace, ripping me away from my fear-ridden demise. I dropped my hands from around my knees and slid up from the floor to grab my bag that I had chucked on the bed. I fumbled around for my phone and pulled out the vibrating contraption. Ky’s name flashed on the screen. His action had brought me here, but now he was saving me from the nightmare of Jeremy. I looked at his name pulsating before me, and for a moment I questioned whether I should answer it. I slammed my fingertip down on the reject button and his name faded away from me.

I put my phone on silent and shoved it deep within the black hole of my bag. It was still early, barely midday, but all I wanted to do was forget. I was stumbling down the familiar path of self-destruction and the moment my eyes locked onto the mini bar my silent prayers were answered. 

Vodka.

Vodka would solve all my problems. My greedy hands pried open the bar fridge and collected six bottles. I cradled them tightly against my chest like they were my prized possession and made my way across the room to the uninviting bed, collapsing onto the floral comforter with a sigh. 

I threw my head back and the entire bottle of vodka disappeared. The burn of the spirit cascading down my throat finally made me feel somewhat normal, it made me feel alive, and in some crazy way it made me feel in control. This was why I had a dangerous and seductive relationship with vodka. It provided me everything that I needed and when my thoughts got too much, it allowed me to disappear. One bottle become two and two bottles became three before my head started to get foggy; my eyes started to shadow with drunkenness, and I felt the waves of unconsciousness fill me. My body molded into the uncomfortable mattress, still dressed in the black dress I had worn to the office, and the moment I was just about to fall into the pits of a vodka-induced coma, Ky popped into my head.

A single tear escaped my eye and trickled over my cheek as his beautifully handsome face and those captivating eyes swam through my thoughts. I was so confused. For a split second, when his deliciously plump lips moved close to mine, I had imagined what he would taste like, what it would have been like to completely hand myself over to him. I had forgotten who I was. He allowed me to forget everything that was hanging over me.

But I knew I couldn’t let him.

••••

Pound, pound, pound.

The moment my eyes pried open, my head began screaming bloody murder at me. Vodka had come out victorious yet again. The twisting knife in my head didn’t cease when I slowly sat up in bed and looked outside to see the sun slowly rising on the horizon.

“Eden, please open the door.”

Ky’s deep voice penetrated through the hotel door. I desperately looked around the room for an escape, but there was nowhere to run. I climbed cautiously out of bed, pulled the hem of the dress that had risen to my hips down over my thighs, and stumbled toward the door. I didn’t even need to look in the mirror to know that I looked like a tragic hung-over mess. With shaking hands I unlatched the chain lock and then unclicked the main lock.

I took a step away from the door, not opening it.

“It’s unlocked,” I said just loud enough to be heard. It took less than two seconds for the door to fly open and for Ky to rush in. He still wore the same outfit he was wearing the day before, and he looked like he hadn’t slept a wink.

I watched him closely. His eyes searched the room around us and the moment they landed on the empty bottles of vodka he sighed and ran his hands over his face. Great, not only did he think I was a crazy woman for fleeing, he now thought I was a drunk.

He took two steps toward me and I backed up, my hand feeling behind me for something to hold onto and my eyes dropping to the bright blue carpet on the floor below. My hand met the fabric of the chair in the corner, and I was trapped.

“Look at me.” His voice came out soothing, not one ounce of force behind it. “Eden, please.”

My eyes ran over his body as I lifted them from the floor and made their way to his face. Sadness, confusion, and wariness met me when I fell into his eyes.

“Why did you run?” he whispered in question.

“I said no. I didn’t want you to hurt me for saying no. I shouldn’t have said no.”

The color immediately drained from his face, and he took a step away from me. I watched him closely not knowing what to expect. His presence confused me, he intimidated me, yet he drastically captivated me. The thought of him hurting me left the moment he looked at me with eyes that were bristling with concern, like he was fearful and regretful.

“You thought I was going to hurt you?” His words were barely a whisper and he stared at me awaiting my answer. “Eden, answer me. Did you think I would hurt you?”

“Yes. I don’t know,” I choked out, and for one of the first times ever, I was using yes honestly.

His face paled, and he swayed on his feet as if I had just taken the air from his lungs. He dropped to the edge of the bed and his head fell into his hands. I had no clue what to do so I remained standing, watching a man who demanded respect and who held such a strong presence crumble before my eyes.

“I would never hurt you Eden. Never. I should never have thought of kissing you.”

“So you didn’t want to kiss me?” I spat out before I even had a chance to stop myself. I slammed my eyes shut at the stupidity of my question. Here I was with the man I fled, but now I couldn’t ignore the twinge of disappointment I felt when he said he didn’t want to kiss me.

Ky lifted his head from his hands and his eyes darkened as he looked at me. He hesitated for a brief moment before he rose from the bed and took a step until his chest was mere inches from mine. I could feel the heat coming off his body, and I was sure that he could hear my heart pounding in my chest. 

“I want nothing more than to taste your lips, but I know I shouldn’t. Fuck I want to kiss you Eden but I also need to learn to behave myself when it comes to you.” He crossed his arms over his chest as if he was trying to stop himself from reaching out and touching me. “You interest me Eden. There is something about you that I want to have. You have this innocence about you, but then I see a glimmer in your eye that tells me that there is a sassy woman locked away who needs to be unleashed, who needs the opportunity for freedom. You grabbed my attention the very first time I saw you, and it hasn’t been lost ever since.”

“I never thanked you for what you did,” I admitted sheepishly. “For saving me from that guy.”

“You never have to thank me for protecting you. I should have done it earlier, and I will forever regret that.” His voice faltered at his words, and he shook his head slightly. “I should go.”

Ky moved to the door with strong strides and stalled when he reached for the door handle. He looked at me over his shoulder, and his eyes pleaded with me. “Never be fearful of saying no to me Eden. I know there will be a time when I’ll need you to say no.”

She thought I was going to hurt her.

She thought I had the potential to fucking hurt
her
.

I rushed out of the room moments before the twisted hands of anger took hold of me. Everything she had admitted sat with me like a tormenting reminder of how fucked up life could be. I had crossed a very hazy line yesterday when I had gone to kiss her. What the fuck was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking, and that was the fucking problem. Eden Rivers was quickly making me lose all sense of reality. 

Leaving her in that hotel room was the smartest thing I could have done. If I had stayed one more minute, I would have broken. I would have asked her to kiss me and with Tori’s words constantly haunting me ‘
she can’t say no’
I knew that it was only a matter of time before I broke. 

With frustration seeping from every pore, I sped back to my apartment. I needed a distraction, I needed to satisfy and put to good use the endorphins running rampant through my body. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and my mind continually taunted me with memories of her face as she admitted her fear.

I threw my keys on the kitchen island and forcefully ripped my phone from my pocket and dialed Josh’s number. After two rings he picked up and I didn’t give him a chance to speak. 

“Josh I need to work out,” I roared down the phone as I stepped into my bedroom and headed toward my dresser.

“And hello to you too big brother.”

“Are you working out with me or not?” I had no time for his smart-ass remarks.

“I’ll meet you at your place in ten.”

I didn’t bother replying. I hung up the phone and threw it on my bed and watched it bounce off the mattress and drop to the floor. My head tilted to the ceiling and a deep sigh erupted from my chest as my emotions bubbled over. I couldn’t fathom her fear toward me. It was beyond unjustifiable. It was unwarranted. It was uncalled for. The one thing she didn’t know about me was that I was a stubborn prick and now I was more determined than ever to get inside her head. To twist my way into her thoughts, her fears, her seemingly dangerous habit of saying yes to everything. I would make her say no to me and mean it and see that there was no fear to be had.

“Where’s the cranky bastard?” Josh questioned from the living room.

“Bedroom.”

Moments later he filled the doorway and gave me an inquisitive look. “So what’s crawled up your ass and died?”

“Let’s just go to the gym.”

Two hours later I had punched, run, rowed, and kicked every ounce of leftover frustration out of my body. Sweat dripped from my body and my lungs ached as they craved air that had been stolen. Finally calm filled me. Josh watched me closely, waiting for me to open up about what had caused my sudden pissed-off mood. We both grabbed a shower and then headed to the closest bar we could find.

“So spit it out,” he demanded, sitting beside me at the bar after ordering both of us a beer.

One thing about my brother was that he would never give up on finding out what was bothering me. Throughout everything he knew what to say or do to get me to open up, even if it was in the most brutal way. He was there during my darkest of days, when regret tore through me, when I believed that I didn’t deserve the life I was given and he had talked me off the ledge more times than I’d like to admit.

“I almost kissed Eden yesterday, and she completely freaked out. So I went to see her earlier today and she was so scared, like terrified of me. She thought I’d hurt her because she said no to me.”