Be My December (44 page)

“It’s not your fault.”

“Eden, I saw him taking a girl to the dorms. I asked him what he was doing. I should have stopped him. I should have realized. I should have run over and stopped him. Why did he need to get more drinks? The party was stocked. I should have realized it was you. It’s my fucking fault. I should have stopped him.”

“Ky, listen to me. What happened wasn’t your fault.”

“I could have stopped him.”

“You didn’t know what he was going to do.”

I dropped my face to her neck and drew her closer to my body. I needed the warmth of her body, the familiarity of her curves, the one thing that had been my savior over this past month. Her arms encased my body, and we connected perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle.  We sat in silence, content in being as one while the sun faded in the distance. There were no words needed at that second, but I knew my story wasn’t over. She needed to know how I came to know of her. My admission had the potential to destroy relationships that she cared so deeply about, but I couldn’t hide the truth from her any longer.

“Can we eat?” She lifted her head from my chest and looked at me with those blue eyes I cherished. I nodded and unlocked my arms from around her and she shifted off my lap and stood from the couch. She was still dressed in just her coat and lingerie. “I’m going to get dressed.”

She stopped when she got to the hall. Realization hit her. All of her clothes were at Ashlyn’s.

“I’ll go and get your suitcase.”

I didn’t give her a chance to respond. The moment I stepped into the solace of the hall my body fell against the closed door, and I gasped for air. My emotions were running amuck, and I felt myself drifting to the darkness that had taken over my life for the past four years. I thought unleashing the truth into the world would help, but so far it was slowly crushing me from the inside out.

Once my emotions were under control, I pushed off the door and stumbled to the elevator and made my way toward Ashlyn’s apartment. I knocked loudly and moments later the lock clicked and the door swung open. Ashlyn took me in and immediately wrapped her arms around me. My walls of resolve crumbled. My emotions—fear, hatred, and despise—roared to life within me and spilled out of my body. I sobbed in her arms. I fucking sobbed like a baby, but I didn’t give a fuck. I cried for what Eden had lost. I cried for the pain she had been forced to endure because I couldn’t protect her. I cried for the four years of hell she had lived and because I finally got the girl and now I was losing her.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Ashlyn’s soothing voice fell around me, and she pulled me over to the couch.

I wiped my face with my hands and looked at her through red rimmed eyes. “What the fuck have I done?”

“Babe, this is what you wanted. This was your plan all along. You wanted her to shine and now she is shining bright. Look how far she has come. She is smiling, she is laughing, she has opened her heart to the idea of love and being with a man. That was all because of you. I can’t watch you destroy yourself any longer. Nothing that happened four years ago was your fault.” Her voice was laced with frustration.

“I’m going to tell her everything,” I admitted softly. “I have to.”

She nodded in agreement although she knew the possible ramifications of this. She had been a key part in my crazy plan, and I was about to admit it all to Eden. I dropped my head into my hands and felt my shoulders sink.

“She is everything to me Ash and I will do whatever it takes to show her that.” I stated with determination.

“You need to tell her that. You two are good for each other, perfect even, and I really hope you both know that.”

“We are going to get some food and finish chatting. I just came to get her suitcase so she can change.”

“Hang on a second, I’ll go and grab it for you.”

Ashlyn peeled herself off the couch and disappeared down the hall, only to reappear a couple of seconds later with Eden’s suitcase.

“Good luck. Show her your heart Ky because your heart is a beautiful thing.”

••••

I pushed open the door of my apartment and stepped into still darkness. My eyes tried to adjust and scope out my surroundings. I quietly wheeled Eden’s suitcase in through the living room toward my room.

What I found halted my breath.

Eden lay in the center of my bed, her dark hair feathered out against the white pillow case. My eyes fell to her body; she was dressed in my hoodie that she told me was her favorite and a pair of my sweatpants. Her breathing was steady and her eyes closed as she huddled into my pillow. My heart ached.

I lowered myself onto the edge of the bed trying not to disturb my sleeping beauty. My eyes ran over her body and then like magnets they were drawn to her hands. A folded up piece of paper sat clutched in her closed palm. The letter.
My letter.
  She was tormenting herself, reliving my words and weak apology.

I crawled up the bed and rolled to my side, tucking my hand under my cheek and gazing at her. The smallest of frowns plagued her face and with a shaking hand I ran my thumb along the offending crease on her forehead. Her eyes flickered opened and focused on me. Her lips curled and an innocent brief smile greeted me.

“Do you want to eat?” I whispered into the darkness.

“I don’t want to go out,” she admitted softly.

“We can order pizza from downstairs if you like.” She nodded and I started moving until her hand caught my arm. I turned my head and looked back down at her. “What is it?”

“Can you just stay here for a few minutes?”

“Of course.”

I pulled my wallet and phone out of my pocket then dropped them on the side table and scooted up the bed to lay down beside her. She was now on her side, mimicking my body. I could tell she had been crying, and I knew she could see it my gaze. We remained silent; the only sound in my room was our ragged breathing. She raised her hand and cupped my cheek; my eyes slammed shut under her soft touch. She removed her hand after a few seconds and with one finger, she ran it softly, delicately over my lips, before tracing my jawline while her eyes completely devoured my face. I didn’t want to but I couldn’t help but think she was memorizing my face.

“I didn’t do this for me,” I whispered hoarsely.

“Why did you do it?”

“Because something had been taken from you. It was ripped from you, and you needed this. You needed to know you could live a normal life, a life where you could touch and be touched, where you could say no, where you could let someone in and learn to love. I needed to give you that because I felt like I was the one who ripped it away from you. When my letter was returned, I spiraled out of control. The blame was strangling me, and when I gave the police my statement, I made sure I told them everything and anything I could remember. He needed to burn for what he did and Douglas who is my father’s best friend made sure he did.”

She moved closer, and I rolled to my back to give her space. The last thing I wanted to do was push her. The moment I did, she shifted closer and laid her head on my chest, just above my heart like she always did. My arms circled her waist and pulled her taunt with my body.

“When my letter was returned I thought that was it. I thought I’d lost all chance of getting to you. I didn’t know what I’d do when I got to you, but I knew I just wanted to make sure you were safe. From the moment I found out about what had happened, it became my obsession.
You
became my obsession.”

This wasn’t going how I’d planned it.

“And then everything just happened. I met Ashlyn through Josh, and we instantly clicked. She knew who I was because of talk around campus after I made a statement to the police. It was about a year after that when I asked Ashlyn to check in on you and you two had a mutual friend on Facebook or something like that. Next thing I know I am talking to Tori on the phone to make sure you were okay.”

“Why?”

“Because I felt responsible. I felt like I needed to make sure the girl who I was meant to take home that night, who I was meant to take for hot chocolate and have the perfect date with was okay. If I hadn’t agreed to that stupid bet none of this would have happened. Maybe you would have said yes, maybe you would have said no and that would have been okay, but we will never know.”

“I would have said yes.”

“Please don’t say that.”

“What about the job? Was that all part of this?” She whispered into the darkness.

“Partially yes and partially no. I knew you were a photographer but I hadn’t seen any of your work. One day a package arrived on my desk with some photos of potential photographers for the shoot you just did but there wasn’t any names on the photos. I picked yours out from the bunch and that’s when I was informed that the work belonged to one Eden Rivers. The moment I realized I felt something set off inside of me. I wanted you here and I did everything in my power to get you here. Seeing you at Delights that night was completely random and then hearing you call yourself Kellie and being told the reasons why by Tori. Eden that fucking destroyed me and it was then that I came up with the crazy need to give you everything back. To give you everything you deserve and so much more.”

We fell into dark silence of my bedroom. I wasn’t sure how long we lay there, but she didn’t move from my chest, and I didn’t let her go. Eden lifted her head so her chin rested on my chest and she looked up at me. Her eyes flashed with a million shots of emotion before me. 

“You were meant to be my December Eden, but you’ve become my absolute everything,” I whispered. “I can’t lose you. Please tell me what I can do to make this up to you.”

Her hand touched my jaw and she shifted her body up mine until our faces were barely an inch apart. “I don’t want any more secrets Ky. I don’t want you to feel any more guilt and I don’t want the past overshadowing anything anymore. If this is going to work, if you and I have any chance, we cannot have secrets.”

“I promise baby.”

“I’ve given you all of me Ky and I need you to give me all of you.” She continued and pressed one solitary kiss on my lips.

“You can have everything of me Eden. I will give you the world.”

“I don’t want the world Ky, I just want you.”

Contentment was an amazing life altering experience. It was the feeling of having your favorite blanket wrapped tightly around your shoulders. It was the perfect wake-up kiss in the morning and the tight loving hug before bed. It was knowing someone out there had your best interests at heart, who had your protection and safety in the palm of their hands. It was the feeling of complete and utter devotion that was fired to you with one simple look. Contentment seemed to now be known as Ky Crawford.

My time in New York was quickly coming to an end. Tomorrow was the fifth of January. It was the day that I was due to pack up my things and leave to go back to my life in San Francisco. Tomorrow was meant to be the day where I would say goodbye to this place and put a lid on the nightmares that still lingered in my dreams. It was meant to be the end of everything. I would be saying goodbye to Ky, and it had been the day that I had dreamed about since the moment he came up with the preposterous idea of our month together.

But last night as I lay in Ky’s protective arms with his heartbeat taking me to a place of peaceful unconsciousness, he had told me he wanted me to stay. He had given me his heart and gave me a reason to consider the unthinkable.

As the warm water of my morning shower trickled over my body that was still deliciously achy from the effects of morning sex with Ky, I couldn’t help but think of everything he had admitted to me. My mind was alive with the honesty that latched onto his every word as he delivered the most precious of embrace that was complimented with every treasured caress of his dominating hand.  The pits of my stomach rolled alive because tonight a decision would be made and the potential that hearts would be broken was the reality
I
faced.

Once I had finished my morning bathroom routine, I stumbled into the open space of the living room and finished braiding my hair over my shoulder. Winter sunshine filtered through the apartment and after being locked away from the world with Ky, I was looking forward to getting out of the apartment. 

I felt like everything had shifted between us during those days spent entwined together. It had been just me and him. No interruptions, no distractions and no expectations.  After everything that had happened between us, it was like our solitary time was the stitches we needed to heal our gaping wounds, and it was the glue to stick our shattered pieces back together. We now possessed an honesty that was so deeply embedded within us and a brilliant truth that twisted around the very core that was Eden and Ky. Our fears and deepest regrets were shared, our promises were caressed in solidarity, and it was the beginning of something that scared me so beautifully. 

I shook away the potential of fresh tears as I remembered our time together and grabbed my purse, phone, and spare key from the counter, locking the apartment behind me as I stepped out into the hall.