Bear, Otter, & the Kid 03 - The Art of Breathing (55 page)

“I want it to be. But I need to work more on myself before it can be. I need to stand on my own.”

“And how are you going to do that?”

“I don’t know yet. But I’ll figure it out.”

“Just… don’t hurt him.”

I look away. “I never wanted to.”

The fierceness melts away, and she smiles. “I know. But sometimes, those we love the most are the ones we hurt the most. And he loves you, Tyson. I don’t think he ever stopped, even when he didn’t know that’s what it was.”

“Do you…?”

“What?”

I think hard. “Do you think it’s possible for two people to be meant for each other? That even through all the shit and all the drama, you’re meant to be?”

“I do. Some things are just inevitable.”

I close my eyes. “What?”

Stacey reaches out and takes my hand in hers. “Inevitable, Tyson. No matter how hard you fight. No matter what happens between the two of you, no matter the distance that separates you, sometimes, these things are inevitable.”

S
HE
LEAVES
a little while later.

I sit at the table, watching the sunlight trace its way along the wall. For the first time in a long time, I’m making decisions for myself. It’s terrifying. Addicts and alcoholics can tell you that, for a time after the drinking and the drugs end, all decision making is taken away and a strict structure is put in its place. It’s constrictive and suffocating, but necessary. It can be hard to trust us again, and we might not even trust ourselves. It was good to hand the reins over. But it’s gone on long enough.

And it scares the crap out of me.

It’s going to hurt, no matter what I decide. And now there’s more to consider. So much more. And I have to take it all in.

Speaking of.

Up from the table. Down the hall.

I crawl back into the bed with him.

He opens his eyes. He sees me. And smiles. As if he’d been waiting for just this moment to wake and see me.

Ah, God. How he sees me. My heart aches for him. All of me does.

“Hi,” he says in that broken voice. “Okay?”

I nod. “I need to go home.”

He waits.

“I want you to come with me.”

“To the Green Monstrosity?”

“Yeah. There’s something I need to do.”

“I’m not going to like this, am I?”

I kiss him lightly. “Probably not. But if it ends like I think it will, then none of that will matter anymore.”

“I need to call Stacey,” he says. “Check in with her first.”

“She says to call her tomorrow, that Ben is fine. They had a blast on their trip. Seems Ben likes cotton candy far too much and Mickey gave him a hug.”

He smiles. “Oh yeah? And when did she say that?”

“Earlier. We talked.”

“Good?”

“Good.”

He holds me close.

“Y
OU
SURE
about this?” I ask, looking out the window at the Green Monstrosity.

He snorts. “Are you asking for me or for you?”

“For you, of course.” That’s a total lie.

“I’m fine,” he says cheerfully.

Bastard. “Lucky you,” I mutter. I get out of the SUV. He meets me around front. He kisses me once.

Then the door opens.

Bear.

I don’t know which one of us runs first. Maybe we both start at the same time. But one moment we’re watching each other, and the next we’re crashing into each other and I’m struggling to maintain composure as my brother hugs me as hard as he can. I allow myself to think how high that kite flies for just a moment, but then it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that despite everything that happened to us, Bear and I survived. We might not be perfect. Far from it, in fact. We think too much. We worry too much. We never stop talking. But that’s okay. We’re alive and there’s the possibility of a future, however uncertain it might be.

That’s enough.

“S
O
YOU
guys are fucking now?” Bear asks evenly as he leans against the counter.

Okay, maybe it wasn’t enough. “Bear!” I yelp, shocked.

“Oh Lord,” Otter groans.

“What?” Bear asks. “If he’s old enough to make these kinds of choices, then he’s old enough for me to tell it like it is.” There’s a harshness to his voice I haven’t heard in a very long time. It doesn’t bode well for how this conversation is going to go.

“Don’t be so crass,” Otter admonishes him lightly.

“And besides,” I say, “you were only one year older than me when you and Otter started fucking.”

“That’s… you don’t….” Bear sputters. “You can’t… you watch your mouth!”

“Are you sure you want to be in this?” Otter asks Dominic. “It’s too late for me, but you still have a chance to run.”

“It really is too late for you,” Bear agrees. “You try to escape, I’ll go Annie Wilkes on your legs.”

Otter sighs. “It’s good to know that even after all this time, you can still make my heart jump with romantic threats of violence.”

“I figured that out a long time ago,” Dom says to Otter. “I probably couldn’t get away even if I tried. He’s surprisingly resourceful.”

“They both are,” Otter says. “It’s scary. You just wait.”

I scowl at Dom. “You think you’re being funny, but you’re not.”

“We’ll talk about that later,” Bear growls at Otter.

Dom and Otter share a look I can’t even begin to decipher, but I’m sure is full of shit.

“Things were different for Otter and me,” Bear says to me. “You can’t even begin to compare the two.”

“How?” I ask. “How is what you and Otter have any different?”

“For one, we’ve been together a long time.”

“Yeah, but you had to start somewhere.”

“It certainly wasn’t with fucking!”

“How in God’s name did you get there, and why is that the only thing you’re fixated on?”

“Do you want to get chlamydia?”

“I don’t have chlamydia,” Dom say.

“I’m not stupid,” I say to Bear. “We used protection.”

Bear’s eyes narrow. “So you
did
have sex.”

“Yes,” I retort. “And it was fucking
awesome
. As a matter of fact, I’m thinking about doing it again tonight!” I’m not, actually. I’m pretty sure my ass is going to be sore for days.

“Not here you won’t!”

“Well, then it’s a good thing Dom has his own house!”

“Dom,” Otter says. “Want to go have a beer in the backyard?”

“Sure,” he says. “This is probably going to go on for a while, huh?”

“It’s just getting started,” Otter says. “Come on. I’ll give you some insight as to what you’re in for.”

“I heard that!” Bear and I say at the same time.

“Be nice,” Otter says to Bear, kissing him on the cheek.

“Don’t yell too much,” Dom says to me, squeezing my hand.

Then they practically run from the room. The jerks.

“That went well,” I mutter. I lean against the wall and glare at my brother.

He’s watching the entryway where Dom and Otter disappeared. “It usually does with us.”

“Think before you talk, much? You just asked us if we were
fucking
. Jesus Christ.”

“What else was I supposed to say?”

“I don’t know. Maybe something with even a modicum of tact? That might be a good place to start. I’m not a kid anymore, Bear.”

“No,” he says. “You’re not.”

“You’ve got to start understanding that.”

“I do,” he says. “More than you could possibly know. Every day I’m reminded of it. Decisions made without my input. Things happening I can’t control.” He sighs. “It sucks.”

“That’s life.”

His eyes flash. “That’s not
our
life. We’ve always done things together. Made decisions together. Took steps together.”

I say nothing.

“Then all of these things happen,” he continues, starting to pace. “You announce to the world you’re gay without talking to me first. You get a boyfriend. You get hooked on the benzos. You almost flunk out of school. You didn’t care what I said. Or what Otter said. Or Corey. Anyone.”

“I did,” I say. “Eventually. It just took time.”

“It shouldn’t have!” he snaps. “It
shouldn’t
have.”

“But it did. I’m not perfect, Bear. I’ve fucked up. I know this. I make mistakes.”

“But you always talked to me about it,” he says. “Always. And then the shit started to hit the fan and I didn’t know about it. Do you know what it felt like, Kid, finding all those empty pill bottles stashed in your room? Do you know what it did to me, knowing how many
hundreds
of pills you’d gone through in the space of a few months?” He shakes his head angrily. “That killed me. And Otter. I’ve
never
gone through anything like that.”

“I’ve apologized for that,” I say coolly. “Many times. I don’t think I have it in me to keep apologizing. It’s over. I’m clean now.”

“I know.”

“I know it was stupid. I didn’t know what else to do!”

“It was because of Dom,” Bear says.

“That’s not fair,” I say hoarsely. “That’s not fair and you know it. Don’t you dare put that on him. He didn’t cause my mistakes. I did.”

“You know what I mean. It killed you, what happened.”

“It did. But that wasn’t all of it. It was a part. But not all.”

“And you think things will be any different now?”

I don’t know how we got to this point. It feels like we’re spiraling out of control. The anger in my chest is white hot, and I’m struggling to keep breathing. “You’re not my father. No matter how hard you try.”

“I know that,” he says helplessly. “But I am more than that. I am your brother.”

“Then why do you keep throwing shit back in my face? Why can’t you trust me on this?”

“Because I failed you,” he says. And with that, the fight seems to leave him. His shoulders slump and he looks down at his hands. “Because it’s my fault all of this happened. Everything you went through after we left.”

I sigh. “Bear. It wasn’t you. You know that.”

“Maybe if I’d—”

“There was nothing you could’ve done,” I tell him as gently as I can. “You or Otter. This was something that happened. It was something that ended. I got knocked on my ass, but I picked myself back up. You helped. You always do, and I don’t know if I could have done it without you.”

He shakes his head. “I keep thinking—” He stops as his voice breaks. “I keep thinking what would have happened. If I’d have lost you. I….”

“You didn’t.”

“It would’ve killed me,” he says, looking up at me. His eyes are bright. “If something had happened to you. If it does, if it ever does, I think I might just lie down right there and die. I can’t. Not without you. Not ever.”

“Bear—”

“You made me promise you. Do you remember? A long time ago, you made me promise that it’d always be you and me. Do you remember?”

I do. Bear and Otter had gone out one night. I was nine. Left with Mrs. Paquinn. It should’ve been fine. And it was, for a time. But then something hit me wrong. Bad dreams, bad feelings, bad
something
, and I was in the bathtub before I knew it.

I woke the next morning in Bear’s bed. Otter slept next to us. And I made him promise. Told him that if anything had happened to him, I’d die. Just like he tells me now.

“Yeah,” I say, my eyes burning. “I remember.”

“I promised you.” He’s shaking.

“I know.”

“I meant it.”

“I know.”

“Now, you promise me.”

I don’t hesitate. For him, I never will. “You and me, Bear.”

“Always?”

“Always.”

He takes a deep breath. I do the same. We let it out.

“Is it over?” he asks me.

I don’t know if it ever will be, but I don’t know what he means specifically. “What?”

“With her.”

There’s only one “her” he could mean. “Yeah,” I say. “It’s over.”

“She hurt you?” That fire returns to his eyes. That steel in his voice.

“No,” I tell him. “I wouldn’t let her. I….” I only hurt myself. I only allowed myself to feel that way. Nothing more. “She’s lost, Bear. And I don’t think she’s ever going to be found. Nothing’s changed. But….”

“What?”

“I met Izzie.”

His eyes widen. “Isabelle?”

I nod. “Bear, she’s… amazing. She’s like me. Smarter, even. I don’t know if I have words to even describe her.” I shake my head. “No, I take that back. She’s like us. She’s you and me.”

“We can’t….” He’s upset.

“I know. There’s nothing… bad happening. I don’t think. She wasn’t bruised. But Julie was never like that.”

“There’s more than one type of abuse,” Bear mutters, and I can’t help but smile.

“I told her the same thing. Julie.”

“Will she listen?”

“I don’t know. Bear, we can’t forget about her.”

“There’s not much more we can do, Ty. Julie would never let us see her.”

“She said as much. But there has to be some way, right?”

Bear shrugs. “We can ask Erica Sharp, but I don’t know how many rights siblings have when the parent is still involved. Even one with a history like Julie McKenna.”

“I promised Izzie too. Just like you.”

“What?”

“That I wouldn’t forget about her.”

“We won’t,” he says. “I just… I don’t know what we can do.”

We’re quiet then, each lost in his own thoughts, and even though I know it’s going to be tough, and it’s going to be met with resistance, I know my next step. I know what I have to do to make sure I can stand on my own.

Man, are they going to hate this. I already do.

“I love him,” I say. “Dominic.”

“I know you do,” he says quietly.

“Like you love Otter. It’s the same.”

He looks doubtful, but doesn’t say anything.

“There’s something there for me. It’s inevitable.”

“But he’s got Ben. Stacey.”

“Ben will always come first. I know that.”

“Do you?” Bear asks. “Kid, he’s a parent. A father. He was married.”

“And you were with Anna before Otter. The only thing that’s different is they had a son.”

“He’s special needs, Ty,” Bear says softly. “I love him, and he’s wonderful, but the amount of work that goes into that….”