Beautiful Failure (24 page)

I’d thought that all I needed to do to start classes again was show up and register, but apparently placement tests are a necessity for those “second triers” who are a “risk” to the university; I have to be deemed worthy before I can enroll.

As I pull into the employee parking lot, I smile at the way this place impacted me this summer.

The money was good,
great
, but what was better was that feeling—Well,
feeling
at all really. I’d spent the past two years in a numb haze, existing—letting life happen to me. But at The Phoenix, I controlled my own life and sometimes the lives of others.

I fulfilled men’s fantasies by dancing on that stage, by letting them get close enough for one second—making them believe that I was attainable, that they could have me. They made me feel wanted, and I made them feel wanted back.

“Hello, Raven.” Charlie greets me in the lot. “I thought you were off today.”

“I am. I’m just here to tell Michael that I’m quitting.”

“What?” He crosses his arms. “Why?”

“I’m starting college in a few weeks. I need to get ready.”

“You just came to that decision or have you known that all along?”

“Why? Are you going to miss me?”

“Nope.” He opens the door and holds it for me. “Good riddance.”

I smile and give him a hug before heading down to Michael’s office. Sighing, I take a deep breath and knock on the door.

“Come in,” he answers.

I open the door and see him sitting behind his desk, puffing a cigarette.

A girl buttons her shirt and rushes past me before the door completely shuts.

“New dancer?” I ask, plopping down in the seat on front of him.

“Unfortunately not.” He sighs. “She cried before she could get her shirt off so I told her to go home. Are you
that
bored that you needed to come in on your off day and bother me? Or are you
that
broke?”

“I’m quitting.” I rush the words out and he furrows his brow.

“You’re
what
?”

“Quitting.”

He blinks.

“I’m sorry I can’t put in a longer notice, but I thought I would at least come by and tell you in person.”

“Do you not own a cell phone anymore?” He rolls his eyes and leans back in his chair. “This actually would’ve been a lot more shocking if your two little friends hadn’t already told me, but
thank you
, Raven. I appreciate you making a two hour drive just to tell me that you’re quitting the day before your next shift, the day before you’ve been booked for five private shows and are anticipated to lead the half hour premier set on the main stage. How
thoughtful
of you.”

“You’re mad at me?”

“Of course not.” He scoffs. “Tits like yours are a dime a dozen and I’ll have you replaced by midnight. Get the fuck out of my office.”

“Ugh. Whatever.” I roll my eyes and head for the door.

“Wait.” He stands up and walks over to me, extending his hand. “You were okay after all. If you ever want to come back, just let me know—
in advance
.”

I laugh and shake his hand, thanking him for taking a chance on me.

When I step out of his office, I head down to the dressing room and find myself face to face with Robyn and Sarah.

“I should’ve known you were the classy college type.” Robyn frowns. “Well, not
classy
, but you know what I mean. You better still call me after you leave.”

“Stop acting like she’s
dying
.” Sarah snaps. “She’ll be in Blythe for five more weeks and she’s only going to be a couple hours away.” She purses her lips. “I better get an invite to every fucking party you go to and you better invite me up the second you get settled.”

“Done.” I laugh and pull my bag out of my locker. “Breakfast tomorrow?” I don’t even know why I’m asking that like it’s an option. She and Robyn have been coming over and eating breakfast every Saturday whether I invite them or not (whether I’m
there
or not).

“Duh,” Robyn says. “Are you going to stay and watch us perform?”

“No...” I shake my head. “I wasn’t planning on it. I was just coming and going.”

“Ha! You can come and go
after
you dance tonight.”

“What?”

“College books are fucking expensive.” Sarah taps her lip. “You shouldn’t let your grandparents pay for everything.”

“I have more than enough money saved up for books.”

“Yeah, well...” Robyn pushes me over to a vanity. “Make some more. Just one more time. What could it hurt?”

I shrug and decide to put on a final show, to bask in the lust and applause one last time.

At midnight, I take the stage as Raven, dressed in a black corset and fishnet stockings. Underneath hazy red lights and smoke, to a slow sensuous song that begs for every man in the building to touch me, I dance as if my life depends on it.

My body twists and bends around the pole without much effort or coaxing, and the cheers and pleas that I’ve grown to love this summer sound more amazing tonight than they ever have. With every twirl, the claps grow louder, and with every roll of my hips, the dollars fall faster.

As I bend backwards from the pole—half naked and utterly unashamed, I shut my eyes for a few seconds and take everything in: This place, this music, these people...

I’m going to miss this...

After I collect my final dollars, I sit in front of my locker and smile, reflecting over my final performance. As amazing as it was, I feel a sudden twinge of guilt because I didn’t call and tell Carter about it.

I haven’t told him anything...

I
knew this moment was coming. It always does.

Just when the story is getting good, when the pages beneath my thumb are starting to dwindle, the two worst words ever written in the history of literature seem to loom near.

This is it.

This is “The End.”

I’ve avoided Carter’s calls and texts for the past three days—unsure of how to tell him that I can’t be with him anymore. I want to start completely over and work on myself, accomplish all of my dreams. Alone.

I lie in my bed and sigh as another round of thunder roars in the distance. The storm that’s hitting Blythe is here to stay for at least a month, and I probably won’t see sunshine again until after I leave for college.

As I run my finger across his name in my phone, my heart begins to ache. It’s heavy and I can feel each beat that knocks against my chest.

It’s now or never...

I hit call and he answers on the first ring.

“Emerald.”

“Hey.”

“I haven’t heard from you in three days. Was your phone broken?”

“No.”

“What’s wrong?” He sounds concerned.

“Can I talk to you in person? I’ll drive over so we can talk.”

“I’m already outside.”

“What?” I jump out of bed and look out my window—seeing his Mustang parked right out front. “You’re stalking me?”

“I was just coming by to check on you. I was worried.”

“I’ll be right down.” I hang up and look at myself in the mirror, taking several deep breaths. I’ve weighed my decision about him carefully over the past few days—trying my best to put my emotions to the side.

Sure, he’s helped me to see things from another perspective and shown me that sex actually can be incredible when it’s done right, but I still don’t really know him.

All of our conversations this summer have revolved around me—rarely him, and it’s as if he’s purposely constructed them to be that way. He’s been kind and sweet, charming and sexy, but he’s also been incredibly vague and I don’t understand why.

But honestly, even if he hadn’t been so elusive and as open as me, I would’ve ended this fling today anyway.

I still have issues of my own and I need to sort them out. On my own.

I rush downstairs and open the door, and before I can say hello I’m being pulled into his arms. He’s kissing me, caressing me, as if he knows—as if he can sense that something is off.

“Are your grandparents home?” he whispers.

“No.”

“Do you want to talk here or in my car?”

I look into the living room and then past his shoulder where the rain is falling down in sheets. “In your car.”

He nods and takes my hand, letting an umbrella up and escorting me to the passenger side.

As he shuts my door, lightning streaks across the gloomy sky and another round of thunder roars above.

“Mind if we talk somewhere more private?” He puts the car in drive.

“Not at all.”

He kisses me on the cheek before putting the car in reverse and driving to the lake that he took me to earlier this summer, the lake that was my almost first date.

When he puts the car in park, I move to the back seat, motioning for him to join me.

“Tell me what’s wrong.” He trails his finger across my lips, looking deep into my eyes.

“I...” I can’t do it.

Not like this.

I press my lips against his and move into his lap, pressing myself against him.

“Make me feel better,” I murmur against his mouth. “Please...”

“Tell me what’s wrong first,” he whispers, unzipping the back of my dress.

“Nothing...”

He doesn’t believe me—I can tell, but he pulls my dress over my head anyway.

I don’t want him to be gentle and kiss me first. I quickly unbuckle his pants and pull out his dick—wrapping my mouth around it.

He exhales and threads his fingers through my hair as I move my mouth up and down his length, as I swirl my tongue around his tip.

“God, Emerald...”

I take him as deep as I can, using my other hand to massage his balls. I don’t stop when he asks me to. I continue sucking him gently, enjoying his reaction.

As I’m moving him out of my mouth—to put him back in again, he grabs me by my hair and looks into my eyes.

“Get on top of me.” He shifts his body on the seat and I straddle his lap, slowly sinking onto him.

There’s no talking between us, no moans or murmurs, just eye contact as I rock against him with my hands intertwined with his.

He presses his lips against mine, ready to make me weak with another kiss, but I don’t let him.

I can’t.

I don’t want to be tempted to stay, and his kisses are
that
powerful.

He doesn’t seem to notice my rejection, because he smiles and kisses my forehead instead, whispering, “I’ve missed you.”

I nod as he lets go of my hands and grips my hips. “I’m going to miss you too...”

“
Going to
?”

I don’t respond. I lower my head to his neck—biting him as familiar tremors start to build inside of me, as he tells me to “come back” so he can see my face as I cum. 

I slowly move my head back, staring into his eyes as my orgasm takes over me—briefly shutting them.

Panting, I bury my head in his chest—listening to his frantic heartbeat as he tries to recover from his high.

“Emerald,” he whispers.

“Carter.”

“I need you to be serious.” He strokes my back. “What did you mean by saying you were
going to miss me too
? Was that a slip of the tongue? A mistake?”

I don’t answer.

My heart is fracturing inside my chest and I can feel tears welling in my eyes.

“Emerald?” He gently pulls my hair and tilts my chin up. “Why does it look like you’re about to cry?”

“I don’t cry.”

“I know.” He uses his thumb to wipe away a stray tear. “Tell me the truth. What’s wrong?”

“My mom wrote me a final letter—a letter before the selfish suicide one.” I sigh. “She was trying to tell me how not to end up like her, and I don’t want to end up like her. Ever. I want to do something that she was never able to do. Be independent.”

“That’s good. You should.”

“She always depended on other people for her happiness. That’s why she was never completely happy, you know? She was always looking for a quick route to it—drugs, alcohol, men...I didn’t see it before, but I understand it now.”

He nods, looking a bit confused.

“You were my source of happiness this summer. You and only you. And um...You really helped to make me a better person, but I need to work on myself.”

“Why does it sound like you’re saying goodbye?”

My heart drops and I realize I can’t hold this back any longer. “This
is
goodbye.”

“
What
?”

“I barely know you, Carter...” I swallow and let a tear fall. “This is hard enough, but I’m sure you can understand why I’m telling you all of this.”

“
No
, I can’t.”

“I don’t want to have to rely on you for my happiness. I need to be able to attain it on my own.”

“Emerald, listen to yourself...”

“I’m
more
than listening,” I say. “My grandparents offered to pay for me to finish college and I’m going to go. I’m going to finish.”

“You going to college doesn’t mean we have to break up.”

“It doesn’t, but you did once say that you wanted what was best for me.”

“
This
isn’t what’s best for you, Emerald. This isn’t how you break up with someone either.”

“Should I have done it over the phone?”

“Do you want me to take you out to dinner tonight and rehash my life for you? Is that what I need to do to keep you? I don’t have any deep, dark secrets I’m hiding from you if that’s what you’re worried about. You know me better than
anyone
.”

“That’s really not saying much.” I refuse to show any more emotion right now. I tell him that I really enjoyed the time we spent together this summer.

“That’s all you have to say for what we have?” He looks hurt.

“
Had
,” I correct him. “There’s more to us and you know that, but please don’t try to make me stay, Carter. Please.” I know that one kiss and the right words from him will be enough to make me reconsider this, but I don’t want it.

“Long distance won’t be an issue.” He buckles his pants. “I can come see you on the weekends.”

I shake my head, avoiding his eyes. “I’d be tempted to ask you to stay for longer. I don’t want that.”