Beautiful Life: The Carpino Series (19 page)

“What?”

“We’ll make this easy.  I want a yes or a no, but I want to hear it from you sober.”

I pull my brows together in question.

“You gave me you last night?”

“Tone--”

I feel his hands flex and he repeats firmly, “Yes or no.”

I inhale and give him a soft, “Yes.”

“You love me?”

I feel my throat clog up and wetness immediately fill my eyes. 

“Do you love me?” he asks again.

I know I said it last night.  I remember saying it last night.  I even remember meaning it, body and soul, down to my bones.  Even in my drunkenness, I remember how good it felt to say it out loud.  But this morning is different and the barriers I’ve lived with for so long are up and as strong as usual. 

“Answer me,” he demands.

I nod my head in his hands and his eyes flare. 

He lowers his face even closer to mine and says, “Say it, gem.”

I owe it to him and want to give it to him more than anything.  As I feel my tears falling over my lower lids, I pull in a lung full of air and repeat in a shaky voice, “Yes.”

He leans in to kiss me softly saying against my lips, “Okay.  Talk over.”

He brushes the tears away from my face before kissing me again.  Then he straightens, takes my plate to the sink, rinses it and sticks it in the dishwasher.  He grins at me, cocky-like, before sauntering around the island, through the great room and around the corner to his bedroom.  I vaguely hear the shower turn on from far away and I look down to my coffee wondering what just happened. 

I hear another whine from my feet and look down to see Finny sitting with his happy tail sweeping the floor in back of him, probably wondering what we’re going to do next or if it’s later yet. 

I put my hand to his head and sniff away my tears while vowing to my dog, “I’ll never drink again.”

*****

I look over at Tina, wrapped in the throw I brought her along with three other bags of stuff including more clothes, lotions, a little makeup in case she feels like it and some more hair products because everyone knows new hair products make you feel good.  We’re having an unusual bout of warm weather for the middle of March.  Tina said she wanted some fresh air, so she and I are sitting on a park bench overlooking the gardens and walking paths of the treatment center. 

She’s been quiet but has answered every question I’ve asked, seemingly reflective and thoughtful in her answers.  She looks much better than she did when we checked her in just a week ago.  Her coloring is back to normal, her hair is clean and she even looks like she’s gained a little weight, not looking gaunt and sickly anymore.  She’s gone quiet and as hard as it is, I’m trying to take stock from Tony’s playbook, letting her have her silence.

Long moments pass before I hear her say quietly, “They said mom tried to come and see me.”

I turn to frown at her, “She found you?”

She’s sitting with her feet on the edge of the bench, hugging her legs to her chest and her head is turned toward me with her temple resting on her knees.

“I guess.  My counselor came and talked to me about it.  Told me you told them to keep her away but asked me if I wanted to see her.  We started to talk about why you would keep her away and it led into a long session of what it was like for us growing up, how she was with us, things like that,” she says with a shrug of her shoulders.

“Did you see her?” I ask, not understanding where she’s going with this.

“No,” she says shaking her head, looking back out to the landscape resting her chin on her knees.

“I’m sorry Tina,” I say.  “I didn’t think it would be good for you right now, the way she is and all.  It’s not like she’s an encouraging positive person.  I was only trying to protect you from that.”

“I know you were.  I told them I didn’t want to see her in case she comes back.  I’m learning I need to control the influences in my life and I think she’ll be too much for me right now.”

“I think that’s a smart choice.”

“She was an awful mom,” Tina adds, still staring out to the landscape.

“She was,” I agree.

After moments of silence she asks quietly, “How are you so normal?”

I can’t help my single sarcastic guffaw, “Well, I certainly don’t feel normal.  I think she did a number on both of us, just in different ways.”

“Maybe,” she says.  After many moments of silence she quietly adds, “I’m trying, Leigh, but it’s hard.”

“It will probably get even harder,” I say reaching over to squeeze her hand.  “If you feel like you need to stay past the thirty days, I’ll pay for it.  I’m sure Tony won’t mind if you stay with us at his house when you get out or you can stay at my apartment.  Mom is there right now but I’ve just decided she’s overstayed her welcome.  I’ll take care of that today.  As long as you’re not using, I’ll be here to help you. I promise to do everything I can to get you back on your feet as long as you promise to fight to get better.” 

Turning her head on her knees again to look at me she says, “I know you will because you’re you.  I’m sorry I’ve never been there for you.”

I frown and tip my head to her in question.

She goes on, “Your baby.  Preston.”

I pull in a breath of air and it’s my turn to look at the landscape.  I try to pull my hand away but she holds tight saying, “You would have been a good mom, Leigh.”

I feel my tears for the second time today and try to blink them away but feel her hand pull on mine.  I look over to her as she adds, “You
will
be a good mom.”

I swallow the knot in my throat and nod my head.  She turns back to concentrate on the landscape, as do I. 

And just like Tony taught me, we sit here quietly supporting each other in the unusual warm March sun for as long as visiting hours will allow.  As we sit here in sisterly silence, I can’t help but hope that if Tina gets through this, I just might have a chance at a normal relationship with one single family member.  I want that more than anything.  I make a promise to myself I’ll do everything I can to make that happen and it starts with taking care of the issue that is my mother.

“You’re kicking me out!” my mother’s question comes at me as an exclamation.

“I’m not kicking you out, I’m sending you home.  There’s nothing for you to do here.  Tina’s in treatment and doesn’t want to see you.  She made that clear to her counselor and me, you know this since you tried and failed to see her.  I want you gone by tomorrow and if you get the itch to visit again, you had better call and ask first.  If I think Tina can handle seeing you, we’ll make arrangements, but do not surprise me again.  I won’t be happy and I can promise you Tony won’t be happy.”

“Tony,” she spits out.  Putting her hands to her hips while shaking her head, she goes on, “Those fucking Carpinos.  Are you really going to let them come between you and your family again?  You’ll never learn, letting a man control your life.  Didn’t Preston teach you anything?”

I take a step to lean forward and lower my voice, “Don’t you dare utter another word about Tony.  And I learned more lessons from Preston than you will ever know.  Lessons that are so deeply ingrained I will never forget.  You never did one thing to save me from learning those lessons, did you?  No, you only show up to wreak havoc in my life when you need something.  Well not anymore and especially not with Tina.  She’s finally on the right path and she doesn’t need you muddying it up for her.  You had better be gone by tomorrow at noon.  I could care less whether you leave the key or not, I’m having the locks changed.  You almost got the poor maintenance man fired, don’t try and pull your bullshit again breaking into my apartment.  Everyone’s been forewarned.”

“I don’t believe you,” she looks shocked, hopefully getting it through her thick skull I’ve had enough.

“Believe it.  I’ve given in to you my entire life and I’m done,” I say turning to leave. 

“Leigh--,” she calls in a high voice.

I ignore her and look back one more time, “Tomorrow mom, you had better be gone.  Don’t push me.”

I turn to leave and pull the door shut behind me, pausing for a second to collect myself.  I’ve never stood up to my mother.  My entire life she has been challenging, thoughtless, conniving and just a plain bitch, but I’m done.  I won’t allow it anymore, especially because Tina needs me now.  I have to protect her from our mother so she can fight for her own life and be healthy again. 

Pushing off from the door, I make my way down the steps of my apartment building I have yet to live in and feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket. 

It’s a text from Tony.

Tony:  Done with the press briefing.  Meet you at home?

I can’t help but let that word sweep through me and I smile. 

Home.

I bite my lip to suppress my grin as I let my fingers fly over the screen.

Me:  Yeah, leaving my mom now.  Meet you there.

Tony:  Y r u with ur mom?

I giggle at his text.  How I can tell he’s not happy over a text I don’t know, but I can. 

Me: Calm down.  I’ll explain.  See you in a few.

Tony:  Shit.  Ok.

Now I’m sure I look like a loon laughing at my phone. I can’t help but find him a little funny when he’s frustrated with me.  Tony was called into work again on his case that blew up this weekend.  He’s gone from managing the sale of their company to managing their public relations.  They called a press conference this afternoon to start damage control from what has turned into an embezzlement case.

Before I pull out of the parking lot, I send him one more text.

Me:  Fried chicken.

After looking at the bubbles on my screen for two seconds, I get a text back.

Tony:  Done.

This makes my smile grow even bigger as I pull out of my apartment complex, leaving my mother who is a pain in my ass and after spending the afternoon with my sister in drug treatment.  I steer my cute little blue car that I love to Tony’s. 

Or if I allow myself to let it be, home.

*****

“You ever stand up to your mom like that before?”

It’s late evening and Tony and I are in bed, him with his back to the headboard, knees up with his feet to the bed and I’m curled up in between his legs wearing nothing but his big soft t-shirt and a pair of panties.  Finny is even curled up at the bottom of the bed, out like a light from his walk and then tossing the ball around with Tony in the backyard after our fried chicken drive through dinner, totally curing all remnants of my hang over. 

When I let Finny jump up on the bed, Tony gave me a frustrated and meaningful “Leigh,” to which I gave him an “Oh, he’ll be fine,” to which Tony just shook his head at me giving in. 

“Not really,” I answer.  “I normally tried to appease her because it was easier than arguing with her.  I was the same with Tina, but she was different today.  I can’t help but hope she makes a real recovery this time.  I know it’s going to be hard for her, she seems exhausted from living her life not knowing what’s coming next.  I think she finally wants to be healthy.”

Tony kisses my head and says, “I’m proud of you for telling your mom how it is, but I’m fucking thrilled she’s leaving.  How you lived with that, I’ll never know.”

“I never knew any different, really.  Until I met Gabby.  I saw how Luka and Meredith were with her and eventually how they loved me.  That’s when I realized my mom was crazy with a capital C,” I explain.

“That’s one way of putting it,” he mutters as he starts playing with the ends of my hair. 

After a few moments of silence Tony quietly says, “I have some news.”

I feel my body go tight and I twist to look up at him.  Not able to read his face, I ask, “What’s wrong now?”

After pausing a few seconds while looking into my eyes, he says carefully, “I got a call from the DA today on my way home from the press briefing.  It was about Preston.”

I pull in a breath as I twist back forward and focus on my sleeping dog at the foot of the bed and ask, “What about him?”

He gives me a squeeze with his arms and legs saying, “I told you they thought it would be hard to get a Manslaughter charge to stick.  It was.”

I feel my stomach turn as I close my eyes and nod my head silently. 

“There’s more,” Tony goes on.  “The assault charges are his first offence.   He made a deal with the DA’s office, pleading guilty to a lesser charge for no prison time.  It’s all going to be finalized tomorrow.”

My stomach drops this time and I open my eyes to look at my dog.  I’m not quite sure what to think of all this.  I haven’t thought much about what would happen to Preston or how he would pay for what he did to me.  I think I was just relieved to be removed from that life with him, all I could focus on was losing the baby.  Then Tony inserted himself in my life and I didn’t have time to focus on much of anything because it took all my energy and headspace to focus on Tony. 

I shrug my shoulders saying, “All right.”

“All right?  That’s it?” he sounds shocked.

“I guess,” I start.  “It went on for so long I was just relieved it was over.  I never thought much about what would happen to him.”

I hear and feel him sigh since he’s surrounding me as he goes on, “He’ll get probation.  If he ever violates his probation, he’ll be in deep shit.”

“Okay.”

This time I hear and feel a frustrated huff of air from Tony as he starts to turn me in his arms.  I move around to face him and he pulls me into his lap demanding, “What are you thinking?”

“I’m not thinking anything.”

“You don’t feel anything?” he asks, baffled by my lack of response. 

“What do you want me to feel?”

“Pissed, mad, scared, happy it’s over?  I don’t know, something.”

“No.  I don’t feel any of those things.”

“Sweetheart,” he starts as he pulls me closer to him.  “No one will judge you for having any of those feelings.  But you have to deal with it, whatever it is.”

“I don’t care what happens to him.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“No,” I explain.  “Honey, I think this is a good thing.  Nothing about Preston makes me happy.  And I’m not scared anymore.  Trust me, I was scared for so long I can’t tell you how good it feels not to be scared.  I don’t want to be pissed about anything either, that’s an exhausting way to live.  Preston doesn’t deserve another ounce of my energy for the rest of my life.  He’s taken enough from me as it is.  But don’t you see, Tony?” I ask and lean into him framing his jaws with my hands.  “You gave me that.  I feel safe because of you.  I don’t want to be pissed because you make me happy.  I know what it’s like to live scared and alone.  To feel safe and happy is a beautiful thing and you gave me that.  I have a feeling I would be feeling all of those things if it weren’t for you.  But because I have you, I don’t feel anything for Preston anymore.  Not one thing.  I will never take that for granted Tony.  Not ever.”

His brows are pulled together and he’s memorizing me like he does so often.  He pulls his hands up to my face and weirdly starts to nod his head slowly. 

“Tony?” I call.

“You’re ready,” he says.

“What?”

“You’re better and you’re ready,” he kinda repeats.

“What are you talking about?”

“You should have seen you, gem.  You were broken.  You’ve come so far and you’ve done it quickly.  I was prepared for the long haul, but you’re better and you’re ready.”

“Ready?”

He flips me to the side so I’m on my back.  He’s half lying on top of me grinning now and says, “Ready for what’s next.”

“No, I’m not.  Really, I’m not,” I almost plead as his hand dips under his t-shirt making its way up to my breast.  I don’t even know what ‘next’ is but when Tony does this he scares the dickens out of me in a whole different way.

“Yeah you are,” he says, leaning down to kiss me. 

I turn my head to dodge his lips and say, “Why can’t we just be like this.  I’m fine with things the way they are now.”

He pulls my t-shirt up and cups my breast while running the pad of his thumb over my nipple, multitasking, as he explains, “Gem, you need to pay attention.  I told you I don’t want you to have fine.  I told you I wanted to give you more than fine and I plan on it.”

“Maybe you should explain what your version of next is,” I say, fidgeting under his hands.

Dipping his head, I feel his tongue dart out to taste my neck as he murmurs, “You know what’s next.”

“Tony, stop,” I put my hand to his face to bring it up where I can see him.  “We need to talk about this.  I want to make you happy and give you what you want, too.  But I don’t know when I’ll be ready.  I’ve done the wedding thing and I don’t have fond memories.  I feel like we’re good the way we are now.  Why can’t we just be like this for a while?”

He sighs and looks at me, “We don’t have to have a big wedding.”

I raise my eyebrows at him like he’s crazy, which he is, and point out the obvious, “You think your family is going to let you have a quiet, small wedding?”

Looking resigned he sticks a hand under my back and rolls so I’m on top, “I’ll figure it out.  I promise it won’t be anything you don’t want.  I don’t care, just as long as it happens.  Soon.”

“Again with the ‘soon,’” I mutter rolling my eyes. 

I feel his hands dip into my panties to squeeze my ass and I look back down at him, “Very soon, gem.  I’ve waited for you long enough.”

“Let’s talk about it later,” I say, letting my hand travel down dipping my fingers inside his pajama pants to find him long and hard.  I cup him in my hand and he presses up into me. 

“Don’t think you can distract me.  I can make love to you and tell you what I want at the same time.”

“Figures,” I say as I circle his smooth tip with my fingers.  “You are a talker.”

Tony immediately surges up bringing us to a sitting position with me straddling him.  He whips my shirt off and as soon as it clears my head I see him grinning and shaking his head at me.  Then he flips me to my back, making Finny whine with protest from us waking him up from his slumber at the foot of the bed. 

“You challenging me?” Tony asks, as he yanks my panties down my legs, leaving me as bare as the day I was born.

“No!” I exclaim, realizing I don’t need to challenge Tony in anything, especially when it comes to him telling me what next and soon entails. 

He reaches over to his nightstand, opens the drawer and grabs a condom.  He puts it in between his teeth to hold and mumbles while yanking his pants off, “I won’t need these condoms much longer.”

“Quit saying things to freak me out on purpose,” I grin, because now he’s just teasing me, I can tell by the glint in his eyes.

“We’ll have a big ass wedding,” he mutters then reaches up and rips the condom open, spitting the wrapper off to the side.  “I might let my mother plan the whole thing.”

“Tony!” I say, but my eyes wander as I watch him roll on his condom, admiring his beautiful body. 

“But we need to hurry so we can have a shit load of kids.  I think I want to beat Gabby, maybe I’ll knock you up before the wedding,” he looks down at me with mischievous eyes as he grabs one knee lifting it high, positioning himself between my legs.  He reaches down with his fingers to touch me, sliding two fingers easily inside me as he asks, “You ready for me, gem?”