Beautiful Storm (43 page)

His fingers weave into my hair, and the rough tug ignites a deep throb right where I need him. Right now he’s raw, vulnerable, and a flight risk. The way he searches my face gives him away. He looks for a glimmer of doubt, any sign of a lie, anything that gives him reason to turn round and walk.

“I have the blood of an animal, a monster inside of me.” His gaze burns into mine, the dare clear in his eyes.

Keep pushing, Noah.

“No, you have the blood of a fighter, a survivor. You’re not going to succeed, you know. I’m not leaving without what I came here for.”

He dips his head to my neck and runs his nose along the delicate skin, and the intake of air he takes as he breathes me in sets me alight. “My
brother
tried to rape you.” His hot breath caresses my ear and sends a shudder through my body, but I suck in air at his callous words. It’s a low blow, but he’s attempting his final assault. The last thing that would drive me away. But he’s nothing like Mac.

“You’ve only ever loved me. This here, your words, driving me away, you’re protecting me.” It’s time for me to strike back. “We have a son. Is he a monster?” I shudder inside as I say the words. I’m not one for using our son in any argument, but here and now, I have no choice. Kai can smash this barrier Noah’s built between us if I’m to gain my family back.

His face contorts, the hand in my hair releases, and he pulls away leaving me bereft of his heat. My words are harsh but he needs to understand he’s no animal, no monster. He’s fighting demons that don’t exist in him. He turns away from me and clasps his hands behind his head.

“He’s a little boy. Not a monster.” His words are whispered.

“But he has your blood in his veins; from what you’re saying that would make him one.”

He spins around, hands clenched at his sides. “No. It doesn’t.”

The anger on his face makes me take a step back, but if I give up now I’ll lose him forever.

“By your own words it does. Your whole argument is either valid and covers our son, or it’s not and it doesn’t. If it’s invalid for Kai then how in the hell can you judge yourself by an argument you refuse to accept for our son? He has
your
blood in his veins.”

He starts to pace, taking one angry step after another. His arguments hold no weight and he knows it. Though he may have some darkness in his blood, it doesn’t own him, doesn’t define the man he is. I keep my eyes on him and watch as he tears himself apart. His internal battle subsides and his shoulders drop as all fight leaves him.

He collapses down onto a large toolbox, his head falls into his hands, and his fingers claw into his scalp. I get down on my hands and knees and crawl over to him, settling myself between his legs.

“What if I hurt you? What if I hurt Kai?” The sadness in his tone squeezes my heart to the breaking point.

“You never would. Stop doing this to yourself.”

“I can’t be certain. What if I’m like them? Wha––”

“You aren’t,” I interrupt.

But he continues. “What if more people like Archie come for us? You will always be at risk if you are in my life. Kai will be at risk. I can’t control that.” The true reasons behind his behaviour start to come out. The reason he’s shut himself away, why he wouldn’t see me, why he wouldn’t come home.

“I’m prepared to take the risk.” I keep my tone even and gentle. Noah will always protect me. I have no doubts there.

“Well I’m not.”

“Noah…”

He flies from his seat. “No.”

He doesn’t understand that he means everything to me. And every dark thought he has about himself is simply not true. Yes, there is bad everywhere in the world, but with him by my side there isn’t any storm we can’t weather together. Getting to my feet, I begin to beg. “We need you. I need you. We miss you.”

Again he searches my face, looking for the truth in my words.

“We weren’t with you when I was taken. You left. I was unprotected. We’re safer with you.”

“Safer?” He lets out a harsh laugh. “I can’t protect you when you’re with me. I can’t protect you when you’re not. I’m fucking helpless and I can’t stand the feeling. You’re too close.”

“That’s not true and you know it. Do you love me?”

A tormented expression crosses his face. “Fuck, angel. You know I do.”

O
NE THING I
have learnt about Noah is his body will speak a thousand words he can’t bring himself to say. When he’s unrestrained and reckless, his movement, his touch, his pure passion, screams every word that won’t pass his lips. “Do I? Show me. Prove it to me.”

“Do you know what you’re asking for?”

“Yes. I’m asking you to let me save you.”

His face twists, and agony sweeps over his features.

“Noah?” His gaze flicks to mine. The raw love in them pulls every square inch of air out of my lungs. “Show me.”

At this close a distance the rumble in his chest vibrates my entire body with his growl of frustration.

I continue to push. He admitted he loves me, so any fear of rejection evaporates. “Are you going to take what’s yours?”

His self-restraint snaps. The man I know and love surfaces from beneath the weight he buried himself under. The darkness in his eyes burns away and leaves a fiery hazel gleaming at me. His large hands grasp at my shoulders then trail my collarbone until his thumbs caress the base of my neck. One hand moves to my nape, the other splays lightly across my throat high enough for his thumb to rub the seam of my lips.

His eyes plead with me when he speaks. “Walk away.” His gruff voice breaks a little.

“Never.” My reply is determined, even though my body has turned liquid under his touch. I’ll never leave him again.

“I only have so much self-control, angel. To cut you out of my life wasn’t an easy task. I couldn’t do it. To resist you now when you’re here offering yourself to me?” He pins me with his smouldering gaze. “That takes strength I don’t have. I’m begging you one last time, walk away while you have the chance.”

I stare into his beautiful eyes and shake my head, long and slow. I’m not going anywhere. And I find myself unable to speak, even if I wanted to.

He releases my neck and dips his body. His large hands engulf my bottom, lifting me up and against him. I wrap my legs around him and entwine my arms around the back of his neck. His head drops into the hollow of my neck and he presses me against him. With my legs firmly wrapped around him, he wraps one arm tight and secure around my waist, the other presses against my back, holding me like I’m his lifeline. Every muscled inch of him melded against me as if to bind us together for an eternity.

“You belong with me.” His lips brush my skin as he speaks, enflaming the near out-of-control forest fire to blaze through my body. Even in his desperation Noah’s dominance undoes me. Once he’s released his demons, he doesn’t ask, he claims.

“I need to know this is it, Noah. You can’t turn you back on me every time you think you’re doing what’s best.”

“I can’t change who I am. I can’t change my past.”

“I know.”

“I don’t know if I can be the man you need me to be.”

“You already are.”

He gives a gentle push on my shoulders so I can see his face. “We need to talk.”

“There’s all the time in the world to talk.”

“No. We need to talk before I let myself inside you. I need to know we are on the same page. And when I take you—” He glances around, a small smile quirking on his lips. “It won’t be in my fucking workshop.”

“What’s wrong with here?” I smile at him.

“For all the things I want to do to you, angel, you’ll need a little more comfort.”

I grumble as he releases me. The sound of his deep laughter is a welcome sound. I pick up my shirt and pull it back on.

“So, Mr. Hamilton, what would you like to talk about?”

“You.” He blows out a breath. “Have you seen a counsellor?”

“I—”

“You
need
to see a counsellor. What you went through…” He rubs his fingers through the increased amount of hair on his head. “I can’t come home until I know you are okay.”

“What?” I’m stunned. I thought once I got through his thick skull we’re better as a family that would be it. I never imagined having to wait.

“Lizzie, please. Trauma’s an ugly thing; it can play awful tricks on your mind. I’m sure you know already, so please, for the love of God, deal with it.”

“I’m fine.”

“I’m sure you are. You are the strongest person I’ve ever met, but being with me, me coming home, may be too much for you.”

“Have
you
seen one?”

“Where do you think I just came from? I haven’t left this building in weeks and I knew it was time.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. ‘Oh.’ So get that pretty little arse of yours sorted, and then we’ll see about us. I’ll come with you, I’ll do anything you want me to, except come home.”

“Will you make love to me?”

He scrubs the almost beard with his left hand. “You’re really not playing fair, are you?”

I flutter my eyelashes at him in a playful manner. “A girl has needs you know.”

“Well, I can assure you this girl’s needs will be fully realised
when
she gets the all-clear from her counsellor.” He has a faint smile on his lips but his tone is deadly serious.

“For your information, I’ve been talking to a therapist.”

The hazel in his eyes ignites. He shifts on his feet and thrusts his hands into the pockets of his worn-out jeans. “Okay… So when the therapist tells you it’s okay for me to be inside you, that being with me won’t traumatise you, then you can have me.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Noah.” I know I’m pouting like a petulant child, but I’m unable to believe he actually won’t put his hands on me.

“Fuck, Lizzie. This is killing me. I need to feel you around me, have your hands on my body. To taste you. But I won’t fucking do it at the expense of your sanity.”

“What about you? Do we have to wait until your guy says you have the all-clear?”

He moves his gaze from me to the ceiling. “I needed to be debriefed. That’s all.”

“But what about what you went through?”

He removes his hands from his pockets and rubs both of them over his head then down his face. When his gaze finds mine, the worry creased around his eyes has me holding my breath waiting for him to answer. “It was my
job
.” He sighs then mutters, “Something else we need to talk about.”

“So what about how you have behaved since this happened? That can’t be normal.”

“What’s normal?”

When I glare at him he relents, and pulls me close against him.

“That, angel, was my heart splintered into a million fucking shards. That was me wanting you and Kai so badly, but knowing you were better off without me. That was me…”

His chest rises as he takes a deep breath. He trails a hand down my cheek and his gaze holds mine with such intensity, such honesty, I’m afraid of what comes next.

“Without you,” he finishes.

Yet again, he renders me speechless with only words. His touch I expect it from, but his words compete with his hands.

“Is this what it was like for you the last time?”

The small circles he was rubbing on my lower back stop. “Last time was worse.” He pulls away. “Come on, let’s go into the office. I think we need to talk about this, but not out here in the open.”

I follow him in and sit in the visitor’s chair just like at our initial meeting. When my eyes settle on his face, it’s still set hard, but the fire burns behind the shutters to his soul. He taps his fingers on the desk three times before sitting down.

“I hate you being so far away from me.” He gives me a lazy smile. “I hated it then, too. The first feelings I had for you were protective. I wanted to kill the fucker who took the light from your eyes. Then when you started interviewing me, the storm returned. And fuck me, you on my bike had them raging brighter than ever.” He releases a low breath.

“I can assure you, it wasn’t your bike.”

“Yeah?” He gives a short burst of laughter. “Awesome.”

“Are you okay to tell me about before now?”

He shifts in his seat. “Can I have your hands?”

I willingly place my hands in his. I need the contact with him as much as he needs it with me. The hard calluses on his thumbs, so familiar, rub over my skin.