Beautiful Torment (19 page)

My stress is at an all time high as I sit in his desk chair, watching him expectantly.

“I don’t want this to come out the wrong way,” he assures me. “And I’ll pay for whatever doctor’s appointment you need, and the medicine… but maybe you should take that morning after pill. After what happened yesterday.”

“Oh!” I throw my head back, relaxing, as my stomach unknots itself. “No, I’m on birth control.”

“You are? Since when?”

“Since right before the play,” I make a face. “I didn’t say anything… because…” My voice trails off. Do I tell him the truth? Because I thought it would be far too intimate? That it’ll only make me fall in love with him even more?

“Because…” I continue. “I thought it might be too much. But then, what you did for me this weekend, with prom… I felt it was the right time.”

His face is pained, and I’m not sure why. Surely we must be on the same page by now. Why else would he have gone out of his way like he did?

“I have to talk to you though,” his voice is shaky. “I’ve been trying to for a while now.”

Is he so tense because he’s scared of what I might think? Surely he shouldn’t be, my feelings have been nothing but clear.

“Every time I’ve attempted to, something happens, and I just can’t get it out,” he rubs his neck. “Because what I’m going to say will change everything.”

I want to tell him that it’s okay, being in love with someone does that, and I decide to make things easier for him, since undoubtedly he’s going to tell me what I want to hear. Maybe that’s what this was about the whole time, his fear over his true feelings.

I can’t take his struggle.

“My chemistry teacher, Josh Harrington,” I blurt the words out, meeting his puzzled look. “Love, hate, or no opinion.”

“Oh, Luci,” his face falls, bewildered and mystified, watching as I approach him.

“Love,” I answer my own question. “Very in love.”

Knock Knock

My eyes go wide at possibly the worst timing in history.

Knock Knock

“Josh? Hello?”

Knock Knock

“Fuck,” he closes his eyes, and when they open, the once alluring color is replaced with pure agony. “What is she doing here,” he whispers under his breath.

I’ll never forget the look on his face as the next few moments unfold.

“Luci,” his expression cuts through me. “I shouldn’t have waited, Luci. I should’ve said something earlier, and I’m so, so sorry.” He offers me one last final look before getting up.

It has goodbye written all over it.

I think I died in that very instant.

“I’m sorry, and I hope you’ll let me explain,” he pleads.

Knock Knock

“Holly,” he opens the door with a plastered on smile as a lady walks in. At first, I think she’s a teacher I don’t know. I notice her big belly before I recognize her familiar face, but can’t place where I’ve seen her before.

“Oh, I didn’t realize you had a student in here,” she smiles at me, and then back at him, expectantly.

The movies! It’s the lady I saw him with at the movies in the beginning of the year. Josh clears his throat, his face pale, looking at the floor as he speaks.

“Holly, this is Luci, Luci, this is Holly…
my, ugh, wife
.”

Moments between us flash before me, his words ringing in my ears.

His wife?

His
pregnant
wife?

“Luci!” She squeals. “I’ve heard
so
much about you.”

She walks in further, blabbing away. I pick up the words “favorite student” and “he can’t stop talking about you.”

I can’t breathe.

In fact, I don’t think I am.

My chest is tight.

“Are you okay, honey?” She asks.

I say nothing as I walk out the door and dart to the bathroom. I barely make it two steps before the sobs hit me.

I lock myself in a stall and sit on the toilet fully clothed, dry heaving, waiting for the vomit that’s in my stomach to make its way up.

There it goes.

I grab a handful of toilet paper, wiping my mouth and blowing my nose.

“Luci?” A voice calls.

Shit. I sniffle, trying to hold back my loud whimpers and tears.

“Luci?”

Maybe if I don’t answer she will just go away.

“I know it’s you.”

I see legs squatting, a hand on the floor, and Gracie’s head poking under the stall door.

“Oh my God!” She starts crawling under. “Are you okay?”

Why is it when an upset person hears the phrase ‘are you okay?’ does it make everything even worse?

Because I’m not okay. I’m galaxies away from okay.

“Last time I met you in the bathroom it was me who was upset,” she tries to lighten the mood unsuccessfully. “Luci, you have to breathe.”

“Go away,” I shake my head, but I can’t actually see through the tears if she’s listened.

“Talk to me.” her voice is worried. Nope, that’s my sister, not listening.

“I… can’t.”

“It’s just, things were getting better between us,” she says. “You promised we would change. So talk. Please.”

“Gracie, I’m sorry. Just go.”

“Not until you tell me what’s wrong! I’ve never seen you like this. Not even when grandma died.”

I grab my stomach. It hurts. Everything hurts, like I’m shattering into a million little pieces.

“You promised,” she reminds me. “I freaking crawled
on the bathroom floor
, so if you think I’m leaving you’re very wrong.”

“How did you even know I was in here?” I change the subject, willing for her to just disappear.

“I didn’t, I was just going to the bathroom. Then I heard you blow your nose.” I give her a look, because that doesn’t really explain anything. It could’ve been anyone. “I’ve lived with you for fifteen years. I know what you sound like.”

The bell rings and we’re quiet.

“Get to class,” I whisper.

“It’s obviously a guy.”

“It’s complicated.”

I grab more toilet paper and blow my nose again loudly.

We hear voices.

Girls enter the bathroom.

They talk.

Toilets flush.

The sink.

They leave.

Gracie still here, waiting expectantly. The late bell rings, and the next thing I know she leans down and hugs me, letting me cry on her shoulder.

And I do.

Because I can’t control it.

“He’s
with someone else
and I didn’t know… he’s…” It comes out almost as a question, because I can’t believe it. My body shakes, and I’m not able to finish my sentence.

“Gosh, I didn’t even know you had a boyfriend. I mean, I thought you were just
too in love
with Mr. Harrington to even notice anybody else,” she jokes.

I pull back from her, covering my face with my hands, the tears gushing at the sound of his name.

“Oh gosh,” realization dawns on her. “And I mean, Oh. My. God.”

“I’m so stupid,” I wipe my eyes.

“Luci,” she pauses. “Did he, like…
force himself
on you?”

“No, God no. Kind of the opposite.” I’m embarrassed, but hell, it feels so good to talk about it.

“I knew you were both into each other. I saw it,” she says proudly. “But…
wow.
”

I cry harder, her words aren’t helping.

“Sorry,” she whispers. “I mean, like, when did it start?”

“It started getting, um,
physical
, in January.”

“Six months!? How did I not know about this? Did you, like, go out on dates and stuff?”

“Irrelevant.”

“Sorry,” she shakes her head. “I’m just trying to picture how this would work.”

“It can’t,” I’m so angry. “That’s the point. It can’t work. It never could work,” I throw my head in my hands, the tears soaking the top of my shirt. “I knew it was stupid. I tried to stop seeing him. To stay away, and I couldn’t. Gracie, what’s wrong with me?”

“Shh,” she hugs me again.

“She came in today,” I hiccup.

“Who?”

“His wife.”

“Whoa!” She pulled back, furious. “Wait a minute, he’s
married
?”

“And she’s pregnant.”

Gracie hands me more toilet paper and I blow my nose again. “She knew who I was, yet I had no idea about her. That she even existed,” I sigh.

“Oh, Luci,” she hugs me again. “Come on, let’s sneak out of here and go home.”

Gracie wants to sit with me when we get home, but I tell her I just want to be alone. I change into his oversized MTHS sweatshirt that I never gave back. It still smells like him, and I sit on the floor, rocking myself.

I’m okay as long as this is wrapped around me, like some stupid safety blanket that proves what happened between us was real.

I finally take medicine until I’m asleep.

An unwelcomed brightness hits me. Mom and Dad are in my doorway, and Gracie is lingering behind them. At first, I think she told them, and my waterworks start all over again, but she shakes her hair, letting me she has no idea what this is about.

I do, though. Can this day get any worse?

“Gracie, let us talk to Luci alone,” Dad’s stern voice slaps me.

“What’s going on?” Mom asks me, and I wipe my red and puffy eyes. I don’t say anything as she sits on the bed. Dad is still standing, with his arms crossed, a disappointed and worried look in his eye.

“The jig is up, so you mine as well tell us the truth.” I look at Mom questioningly as she continues, the water still building in my eyes. “Not one single college letter. And I never see you go out with your friends anymore. All you do is sit in your room,” her eyes start watering too. “Are you doing drugs?”

“What?! No!” I shout. “Of course not.”

“The only thing that’s saving you right now is that your grades haven’t slipped,” Dad yells. “What do you plan on doing next year?”

“I don’t know,” I whisper.

“Do you need to see someone? A therapist?” Mom asks.

“Of course she doesn’t!” Dad retorts.

“Maybe she needs help, Jay.”

“I don’t need to see anyone,” I stop their bickering.

“Then what is it? You need to do better than this. I need answers!” Dad shouts. “Gracie, get in here!”

She pokes her head through the door, clearly listening just outside.

“What’s going on with your sister?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugs. “What’s going on?”

“She hasn’t applied to college! She lied to us. None of her application checks were cashed!” Dad yells and I cower. “Are you ashamed, Luci? Because you should be!”

“Jay, don’t be so harsh!” Mom yells.

“Sue, what else am I supposed to do? She’s been lying to us!”

“Okay,” Mom throws her hands up. “Everyone out!”

Dad and Gracie leave and I take a deep, shaky breath.

“Sorry,” I mumble.

“Your father is just upset,” she defends.

“I know,” I wipe my face and she hands me a tissue, registering them all over my floor and bed.

“You’re upset from even before we came in here?”

“Bad day.” I sob. “Very,
very
bad day.”

“I’m worried.” She wraps her arms around me and my head falls into her lap.

“I messed up,” I confess.

“Does this have to do with a boy?” She asks like she’s afraid to know. “Are you pregnant?”

“No!” I shout. “Why do you always assume the worst? And no,” I lie. “It doesn’t have to do with a boy.”

Because he’s a man. A grown up, 27 year old chemistry teacher.

“So what then?” She brushes her fingers through my hair.

“I don’t even know what I want to do anymore, Mom.” It’s not a lie, because I have no idea. And I know she assumes I’m talking about college.

“It’s okay,” she soothes.

“I need to get away,” I weep.

“We’ll work out something.”

Sometimes, when bad things happen, you wake up and realize it was all a nightmare. On the not so lucky occasions, you register it was real. So the next morning, I’m excited for school, like I usually am, until it hits me all over again. Everything that happened
actually happened
.

The only thing that was ever real was that there was no possibility for us, because
he lied
. This entire time was one big lie!

I don’t know what Gracie told Mom, but she leaves me alone and lets me stay home today without question.