Because He Plays Me (Because He Owns Me, Book Seven) (16 page)

Madden seemed to be able to read the emotions on my face. “See,” he said, “I told you I was no good for you. Being around me isn’t good for anyone. You should go before you get hurt.”

He started to pull away but I half crawled onto him and wrapped my arms around his neck. “You’re not a bad person, Madden Cross. You’re brave and strong and instead of accepting your life, you got out.”

“I got out, but at what cost?” he said. “I can’t forgive myself for the things I did.”

“You don’t need forgiveness,” I said, instinctively. “You just need to do better. And you have done better. That’s all any of us can do.”

His gaze met mine. The meds were doing their job and his eyes were heavy lidded but somewhere in them, I saw relief. I’d been able to give him that at least. And the fact that he trusted me with his secret changed everything.

“I still think you should run the other way,” he said, his voice heavy with sleep, “but I’m glad you’re still here Skylar. I’ve never let anyone this close before, but I don’t regret a second of it…”

His breath evened out and I carefully pulled the blanket up higher. I kissed his chest again and laid my hand over his heart. The small glimpses I’d had of the man under the controlling cold exterior were nothing compared to now. If I had any doubt that I could care about him, they were shattered tonight.

Because I knew for sure that not only could I have real feelings for Madden Cross, I did. I’d fallen for him despite everything and the crazy part was that it didn’t scare me. He showed me a part of himself that he’d never shared with anyone else.

Which meant he trusted me as much as I trusted him.

I drifted off to sleep with a smile on my lips and Madden net to me.

T
he buzzing reached
into my head and pulled me from a deep sleep.

Madden stirred and then rolled onto his side with a groan to answer his phone.

I traced my fingers down his spine as he listened, then his entire body stiffened. “No fucking comment,” he growled then slammed his phone on the nightstand.

When he didn’t roll back over, I touched his shoulder. “What was that about?”

“None of your concern,” he snapped.

I pulled my hand away and pushed to a sitting position. “I’m lying next to you right now so yes, it is my concern. You can tell me.”

He rolled onto his back and I caught a glimpse of his eyes. They were hooded and cold again. Like last night had never happened. A lump formed in my chest. I thought things would be different now. He’d opened up and I saw a part of him that no one else had. That should mean something.

It meant a very big something to me.

“Madden?” I touched his shoulder again and he shrugged off my hand. Anger surged to life inside me. “So we’re back to that now? After last night, after everything that's happened and your back to being a cold bastard?”

I pushed the covers off and swung my legs out of the bed. I didn’t want him to see the tears welling up in my eyes. I should have known better than to open myself up and trust him.

Madden’s fingers wrapped around my wrist.

Hope leapt to life.

“I told you I wasn’t any good for you. You shouldn’t have expected anything more.” His voice was cold, unemotional and that was it. Anything I felt for him died. I yanked my hand away and got to my feet.

His image blurred and I balled my fingers into fists. “You’re a coward, Madden Cross. Or should I call you Alex?”

He sighed and pushed to sitting. The blanket fell away, revealing his bare chest that despite everything, still made my mouth go dry. The bandage on his side had come loose on the bottom, but I didn’t care.

Madden groaned a little as he shifted in the bed. “Look, the media got ahold of the story and the damned New York Times wants a statement. I can’t think about anything else except how to bury this right now.”

“Why not just tell the truth? Stop running from your past and they can’t use it against you. If you own it then they can’t hurt you.”

“Own it?” Madden glared at me. “Like you owned your past and stopped running?”

“It’s different,” I argued.

“No, it’s really not.”

I argued against him in my mind. Yes my past might destroy me but not in the same way. I was running for my own safety. It was different. And it wasn’t like I could do anything about Jacob. He had the connections to make people believe him. I did not.

But Madden was Madden Cross and he had the people and the money to get past all of this. He’d rather bury it though.

“So now what happens?” My legs trembled and I sucked air into my lungs. Last night seemed like a dream now. The Madden that had told me his secrets was gone, replaced by this uncaring asshole. “Do you pull yet another fake fiancé out of thin air?” I challenged. “Maybe you could talk Jenna into playing the part this time.”

My voice rose higher with each word. God I hated him. I hated that he made me feel something for him. It was clear now that there was nothing between us. Pain sliced through my chest. And if that was it, there was no reason to stay.

Madden shrugged. “You’re in a creative mood.”

“It doesn't matter. Do whatever the hell you want just like you always do without taking anyone else's feelings into consideration,” I spat. “I wish I’d said no to you that first night. I wish I had just walked away and told you to go to hell.”

Something very close to vulnerability flashed across his face before his jaw clenched and the cold unemotional void was back. There may be a man worth loving under that arrogant facade, but he would never admit it. He would never allow that person to be him.

It was a hard truth to acknowledge, but I had to if I wanted to walk away unbroken.

“But you didn’t say no to me,” Madden replied coolly. “And I believe that our business has reached its natural conclusion now. There is a cashiers check on the table in the foyer,” he said, almost offhandedly. “If you need a reference in the future…”

The businesslike tone of his voice was what did it. I was a transaction to him. That was all it had ever been.

“Fuck you Madden Cross. I hope that the media rips you apart and spits you out like you deserve.” With tears streaming down my face, I turned on my heel and half ran to the spare bedroom where my things were.

I pulled on jeans and an old sweatshirt and stuffed everything else into my bag. I grabbed the new phone Madden had brought to me yesterday and almost threw it against the wall, but decided against it. I’d need it while traveling. Once I got somewhere that I could buy my own, I could pound it into a million pieces.

I went into the bathroom and splashed water on my face. My cheeks were red and my eyes puffy. I was a mess. Even though I hated myself for it, I wanted Madden to come in and tell me he was sorry, that he did care about me. That he didn't want me to go.

But he didn’t and I had no choice but to accept that I truly meant nothing to him.

I pulled my strap over my shoulder and left the room. His bedroom door was closed now. He didn’t even care enough to say goodbye. I raised my middle finger as I walked past and then walked down the stairs with my head held high.

On the stand next to the door was an envelope with my name on it.

My hand shook as I took it and then I left Madden behind along with my heart.

I
drove
for three hours south on 95. I had no idea where I was going, I just had to get as much distance between Boston and myself as I could and with a full tank of gas, that would be very far. I had hoped that with each passing mile, the pain would lessen, but the vise grip in my chest only seemed to tighten.

Finally, when I was too mentally drained from bouts of crying and cursing, I got off the exit for Rye, New York and pulled into the parking lot of a Budget Motel. It was only mid afternoon but my eyes hurt and I just wanted to stop for a little while. There were a couple of sketchy looking vending machines by the office, so I grabbed my purse and got out of the car.

There had to be enough change at the bottom to get a granola bar and some water.

Except when I opened my purse, it wasn’t change that I saw. There were several hundred-dollar bills lying on the top of my wallet as if they’d been thrown inside. In a hurry.

Madden
must have gone into my purse and left the cash when I was in the bathroom cursing his name
.

I wanted to hate what he did. I wrapped my fingers around the bills and crumpled them up, but I couldn’t throw them away. Not when it meant food and gas and a place to sleep that wasn’t a Mini Cooper, until I got to wherever I was going.

As soon as I got settled, just as soon as I had the means, I was going to send every cent back to him. With interest. I didn’t need any favors from that man. I marched inside the motel office and paid for a room without even thinking twice about it. Or him.

At least, that’s what I tried to tell myself. In reality, keeping Madden Cross at bay and out of my mind was becoming a full-time job.

I grabbed my bag from the car and opened up room twenty-three. Dirty dark green carpet and a bed that creaked when I sat down on it. It wasn’t the Ritz, but it was better than nothing. There was a take out menu on the side table and I ordered a pineapple and ham pizza before I even turned on a light.

I flicked on the TV for background noise and tucked my feet under me, sitting cross-legged on the bed. I really needed to make a plan. I had to have somewhere to go tomorrow when I left this place. I could go practically anywhere and as freeing as it sounded, I was frozen. I had no ideas.

I pulled out an old phone book from the nightstand drawer and flipped to where there was a map of the United States. I was on the verge of closing my eyes and pointing randomly when there was a knock on the door. At the same time my phone started to buzz. I didn’t recognize the number, but the area code was Boston. I had nothing to say to anyone back there so I let it keep buzzing.

The pizza guy handed me the box and I gave him a twenty. My stomach growled as soon as I opened the box. Just as I took a huge bite, my phone started to buzz again. I looked and it was the same number. No one even knew I had this phone except Madden.

I almost choked on my pizza.

Was Madden calling me? Or worse yet, was it the hospital trying to tell me something had happened to him. I hated that I cared enough to answer the phone.

“Hello?” I answered with a shaky voice. My heartbeat pounded in my ears.

“Hello Ms. Kinsey? This is Dee with AllTemps. We’ve had an opportunity come up and I immediately thought of you. It’s here in the city, mid level accounting at a large firm. They are very interested in you starting right away.”

I sat down on the edge of the bed. Heaviness settled in my gut. I had never given the agency my real credentials because I didn’t want a job in my field. It would have been the first place Jacob checked. And even if I were looking, there was no way in hell I was taking a job in the same city as Madden.

I wanted to get away, not move closer.

“I’m sorry but I’m traveling right now and can’t accept that job.” I started to push Call End when she hurried on.

“Oh well, just let me know where you are and I can arrange something there. This company has ties in a lot of the major cities too. And like I said, they are very interested in you Ms. Kinsey.”

This was Madden’s doing, I had no doubt. Who else could promise a job in any city on a moment’s notice? I glanced at the phone book map. Anger danced along my skin. He couldn’t leave it alone could he? He treated me like some business transaction on one hand, and yet he put money in my purse, arranged for a job?

Paid you off for services rendered.

“I didn’t give you my experience or education,” I said. “How does this company that wants me know I have the right credentials?” I tried to keep the accusation from my voice but I knew the answer.

“Oh...well...I ahhh...I thought we had that in your file. I’ll give it a look…” she stammered.

If I had any doubt, it was gone now. I clenched my teeth. Damn him. He wanted me out of his life and in the next breath, did something like this. I just wanted to get away from Boston so I could stop thinking about him.

I glanced at the phone book and my gaze settled on Florida, as far south as I could go. “Miami,” I blurted out. It was a long coastline between Boston and Miami.

“Very good,” she said much too enthusiastically. “Let me make some calls and I’ll get back to you. Thank you Ms. Kinsey.” She actually sounded a little relieved and I had to wonder what Madden had said to the woman. What he had threatened to do if she failed her task of placing me somewhere for employment.

I set the phone down and tossed the phone book onto the floor. He was infuriating. Thought he could just command people’s lives like some kind of puppet master. I knew him well enough to know that controlling everything was what he did. Never gave it a second thought. If he wanted someone to jump the only acceptable answer was how high.

I wasn’t jumping for Madden Cross for one more second.

I pulled the envelope from my purse and slipped a finger under the flap. Inside was exactly what he promised; a cashier’s check for thirty-five thousand dollars. I’d never seen so many zeros in my life.

Bile rose in my throat. If I cashed it, he would win. He’d get what he wanted. I didn’t want his money. That very first night at the resort I had decided that I wasn’t going to take it. Then he needed a fake fiancé and had tacked on more zeroes. I didn’t want that either.

Somewhere along the last few days I realized that I just wanted him. And I thought that was happening. Tears blurred my eyes. The ache in my chest spread. It was obviously one sided and not real.

And yet I couldn't bring myself to keep his money. Before I could talk myself out of it, I ripped the check in half and then in half again. I didn’t stop until a pile of confetti sat on the bed next to me.

Then I sank down and wrapped my arms around a pillow and cried for everything that I thought I found but had really lost.