Because You're Mine (17 page)

“You really expect me to believe that?” I crossed my arms, lifting my chin. My heart crackled and broke a little more inside my chest. There would be nothing left of it after all of this was over.

Over
.

“No. I expect you to believe in me. But you won’t? You never did. Now you own a part of me, a part of me that I’ll never get back. I love you more than the air I breathe, Maddie. God help me, I
always
will. Just remember this…I didn’t walk away from you. You let me go.” The sight of him walking away from me brought me to my knees. I tried to breathe past the knot in my throat to yell after him, but my pride got in the way.

              “Holy shit, Maddie. Are you ok?” Katy asked, rubbing her hands up and down my back. No I was not ok. My chest felt like someone had taken a carving knife to it.

Careful what you wish for.

              “C’mon,” she instructed.

              Helping me to my feet, she guided me inside. I sat down on the couch and Katy sat down next to me, handing me a box of Kleenex. She was quiet for a while, letting me sob and grieve my shattered heart in peace.

              “What’d he say?”

              “He said…he said he didn’t fuck her.”

              “Do you believe him?” Katy believed him, why couldn’t’ I?

              “No…yes…I don’t know. How will I ever know for certain? How could I ever trust him again?”

              “Holden loves you, Maddie. I would kill for a man to love me like that. I told you that bitch was evil. She wasn’t raped. Alexis Davis would spread her legs for anybody, anytime. She doesn’t have to be forced. She used his kindness and generosity as a weapon, and this is the damage it caused. Are you gonna let that piece of trash take away your chance at happiness? Don’t let her win, damn it.”

              “There you go taking his side again. You’re supposed to be
my
friend, remember.” Ugh, why was she defending him?

              “I am your friend. Your best friend. And as your best friend it’s my duty to tell you when you’re being a stupid bitch…and right now…your being a stupid bitch!” she shouted.

              I shot up from the couch. “Unbelievable. I am so outta here.”             

She jumped up to stop me, grabbing my forearms and looking me straight in the eye. “I’m just being honest with you. I believe him. Search your heart, Maddie Do you really think he would do that to you?”

              “Did you really think Luke would do that to you?” I spat back.

              She dropped her hands, swallowing hard.

              “I gotta go.”

              “Maddie, wait.”

              “I just need to be alone, Katy.” And get the hell out of this town.

CHAPTER nineteen

Morning without you

is a dwindled dawn

-Emily Dickinson

Holden

              Tears poured from my eyes while my fist pounded the dash board over and over. My bludgeoned heart refused to acknowledge the pain. I needed
something
…something to replace horrendous ache in my chest. My knuckles were covered in busted skin and blood. I was literally shaking with grief. The only thing I would have to hold on to were the memories of the time we’d spent together. I slammed my fist into the dash again. The sound of cracking and the ensuing pain radiating through my hand was enough to stop me from doing it again.

              I’d been driving around for hours. I didn’t want to go home. I wondered if I would ever be able to walk inside that house again without thinking of her. Or what had destroyed us. Grabbing a rag from my glove box, I wrapped it tight around my hand. I needed to go to the doctor. My hand was definitely broken and needed stitches, but I didn’t give a fuck about that right now. Nor the damage I’d caused to the interior of my car.

              Unlocking the back door to, I slipped inside. Archer’s Ducati was outside, so I knew he was the only one here. Locking the door, I wandered passed his office and straight towards the bar.

I needed a drink.

I hadn’t had anything stronger than the occasional beer in the last five years, but I need something hard and strong to drown this suffocating pain. Snatching Jack from his known spot on the wall, I poured a shot and swallowed it down. Then another.

              And another.

              Slamming the shot glass down on the bar in succession after each shot, my pain and anger began to dissipate slowly as the liquor warmed my blood. 

              Fuck
.

I could still feel her.

              I poured another shot. “Enough.” Archer’s deep calm voice sliced over me, sharpening my anger once more.

I threw back the shot I’d poured, eyeing him from across the bar. His arms were folded across his chest as he glared right back at me. Archer outweighed me by about twenty pounds and he could probably kick my ass all over this bar right now…with my fucked up hand and my Jack’d up state of mind. But with the amount of anger and pain coursing through me right now, I’d definitely give his ass a run for his money. His eyes shot from my broken hand to the fifth shot I held in front of my lips.

              “Pourin’ your heart out didn’t work did it?” he asked, tilting his head.

              “No, it didn’t,” Warmth spread throughout my entire body, buzzing from the alcohol in my blood and the daunting reality that I’d lost her.

              With swollen lips and red cheeks, Katy burst through the door of the kitchen. After shooting Archer the quickest eye fuck I’d ever seen, she sidled up to me.

“Shit, Holden. What happened to your hand?” She tried to grip my hand to examine it, but I jerked it away. Her hands shot to her hips and her eyes flickered with irritation. “What the hell happened?”

              “Maddie. That’s who happened. Why won’t she believe me?
Fuck
!” I roared. “I love her so goddamn much it hurts.”

              Tears hung in my throat, and I felt like I was going to throw up from the burrowing pain. I grabbed the garbage can near the sink and heaved.

Katy stroked my back, making it worse.

I swatted her away. “Do something, Archer.” I felt bad for being a dick. But losing Maddie, the purging alcohol, and her kindness were just too much right now. I didn’t want to be comforted. I didn’t want to feel shit.

              “What the hell do you want me to do, Katherine? He’ll throw that shit up and regret it in the morning. Leave ’em be.”

              Katherine?

              My head hanging between my arms, I watched her feet shifting behind me. 

              “Here.” She handed me a wad of napkins.

“Thank you.” Standing up, I leaned against the bar.

              “You’re welcome. Listen, Holden I-” Archer cleared his throat, shaking his head in warning. Katy huffed with a scowl, studying me carefully.

“I tried to talk to her, sweetie. She wouldn’t listen.” Her small hand rubbed my crossed forearms. Katy was a good friend.

              “Thanks again for telling me when she’d be there. Even though it didn’t do me a damn bit a good, I still appreciate it.” I nodded, wiping my mouth again.

              “I’m so sorry, Holden.” she offered before she made her way back through the kitchen door.

              “Talk.” Archer sat on the stool in front of me. If I’d ever considered anyone a father figure in my life, that person would be Archer. He was only five years older than me but he’d always been there for me. He’d helped me through some pretty heavy shit in my life. But this time was different. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever crawl out of this dark hole.

              Looking up at the ceiling, I sighed. “I feel so helpless.”

              Archer’s voice was calm and even. “You’ve done all you can. Let ’er go.”

              “It’s not that easy, Arch. I won’t be the same without her. Fuck, I sound like the biggest fuckin’ pussy right now.”

              “Yeah. You do.” he teased.

              I tossed one of his signature coasters, barely missing his big head. “C’mon. I’ll take you to get that hand looked at.” Archer pulled his cell from his pocket. “I’ll get Wade to take your shift.”

              “We’ll take my car. I’m not ridin’ bitch on the back of your bike.” I stated firmly, cradling my hand. It was starting to hurt like a motherfucker. But it was nothing compared to the gaping hole in my chest.              

              “Fine. But I’m driving.”

***

              It had been three weeks. Three weeks since I’d seen her beautiful face. Three weeks since I’d looked into her blue eyes. Three weeks since I’d touched her skin or felt her beneath me. I missed her smell. I missed her laugh. I missed the way she kissed me, and the way she let me kiss her. I hated being here. I hated being in the one place that held all of my memories of her, and the one place that took her away from me. It was a special kind of torture. Jack was helping, but just barely. I knew all too well the ramifications of my continued drinking. I wasn’t completely oblivious.

Yet.

I knew how easy it would be to fall back into that black hole. The one that I’d worked so hard to dig myself out of over the last few years. Only this time, the black hole I was stuck in seemed darker and more infinite. She was never coming back.

Maddie was
never
coming back.

              I took the last swig from my last bottle of Jack. My head felt numb and heavy. I could barely hold it up. Reaching for my phone, I tapped my photos and her beautiful face filled my screen. My finger hovered over the call button. But instead of calling her, I decided to down rest of the bottle.

             
Gone.

              Never coming back.

              Sudden banging rattled my front door. “Open up, motherfucker.” Archer bellowed from the other side of the door.

              Standing from the couch, I looked around. This would not be a pleasant visit. I stepped over the weeks’ worth of empty bottles.

Arms crossed, Archer stood on my porch with a deep scowl twisting his face. Without an invitation, he stalked inside.

              “C’mon in. I’d offer you something to drink, but uh…I’m fresh out.” I slurred, showing him my empty bottle.

              “The fuck do think you’re doin’, Holden?” he growled.

              “Drownin’. The fuck are you doin’, Archer?” Standing had proven difficult. I plopped to the couch.

              “I’m here to kick your ass. Get up,” he demanded.

             
Shit.

              “The hell are you talkin’ ‘bout?” I was in no condition to even thumb wrestle Archer, much less talk or tussle.

              “Well, somebody has to knock some fuckin’ sense into your ass. Might as well be me. Get the fuck up. Let’s do this.” I’d seen Archer good and pissed only a hand full of times. And right now, he was good and fucking pissed. “If you wanna sit around and mourn a piece of ass the rest of your life, fine by me. But I will not stand by and watch you drink yourself to death. You’ve come too fuckin’ far and there ain’t a woman in the world worth this shit,” Archer motioned around the room. “Now get the fuck up.” he yelled.

              I went to stand, but the alcohol made it impossible for me to lift my drunken ass from the couch. Sagging back down, I rested my heavy head against the back of the couch.

              “You look like fuckin’ hell. How can you just sit there and wallow in your own shit like that? When’s the last time you had a shower? And what in the fuck is that smell?” Curling his lip, he picked up the bag of fast food sitting on the table. It’d been laying there uneaten from three days ago. Dropping the bag back onto the table, he stepped in front of me. Archer bent down, fisting the collar of my t-shirt with one hand. I was too drunk to do anything to stop him.

              “Listen to me you miserable fuck,” Jerking my limp body from the couch, he pulled me closer to his face. “You’ve got exactly one hour to clean up this shit hole,” He sniffed with a snarl. “Take a fuckin’ shower, and get your ass to work. If I have to come back here, there will be zero talkin’, and a truckload of ass kickin’. We clear?” He jerked me so close, our noses bumped.

“Yeah.” I answered.

              “Man the fuck up, Holden.” He released me with a shove, and then stomped out the front door, slamming it behind him.

              Archer was right. I needed to man the fuck up. Man up and
feel
the pain. The pain was the only thing that reminded me that what we had was real. The pain was all I had left.

CHAPTER twenty

Courage is being scared to death…

and saddling up anyway.

-John Wayne

Madison

six weeks later…

              It still hurt like hell, but I was used to pain now. Self-torture had been added to my long list of daily emotions. Closing my eyes was the only way I got to see him.

             
His eyes.

              That smile.

              Once I got back to Boston, I immersed myself in work and finishing up school. It wasn’t very hard. With finals and grad preps, it was a wonder I had any time to think about him at all.