Begin Again (26 page)

“Ms. Abby and I are going to go get some lunch.
Call us if you need anything.”

“I will
. Thanks, Dad. Abby, you be a good girl, okay?” He kissed her cheek. “I love you, princess.”

“I love you too, Dylan.”

When they were gone
, he went to the desk and told them they were ready to go down. A few minutes later a woman approached them in scrubs and a lab coat. “Journey?” she said as she approached them.

“Yes, that’s me.” Dylan helped Journey stand up.

“We all loved Nan, and we’re absolutely devastated about what’s happened. I’ll take you downstairs now.”

Silence filled the elevator as the
y descended to what Dylan assumed was the basement. They followed her down the hall to a set of double doors. He was expecting a big sign on the door that said MORGUE in big, bold letters. He could feel Journey’s body start to tremble again as they stepped through the door. Trying to reassure her he gave her shoulders a squeeze.

They followed the woman inside
a cold, sterile looking room. There looked like there were giant filing cabinets shoved into the wall. The temperature was a lot cooler than anywhere else in the hospital.

The woman walked over to one of the drawers
. Journey grabbed his hand, squeezing the shit out of it when the other woman pulled the drawer out. A white sheet covered the body and before she uncovered it, she looked at them. “I cleaned her up for you. She just looks like she’s sleeping.”

She pulled the sheet back and Dylan couldn’t help the tear that slipped down his face.
The woman, who was such a big part of his woman and kids’ life, now lay there on a metal slab. Never coming into the house with the usual flourish she always had, making the whole house light up.

He cleared his throat
. “Th-that’s her.” She went to put the sheet back over her but Journey stopped her.

“Stop! Can I
—can I touch her?” Journey looked at the women like a lost little girl.

“Absolutely.” She stepped away to give them privacy.

Journey reached out a hand, smoothing a hand over her head. He could see her hand trembling as she touched her. She leaned down, kissing her forehead. The pain was written all over her face as she stood back up.

The women joined them again
. “As soon as you pick a funeral home they’ll contact us so we can release the body. Again, I’m sorry for your loss. Will you let someone in the hospital know when her services are? I know a lot of people would like to come pay their respects.”

“Sure, we’ll let you know.
Thanks.” Dylan grabbed Journey’s hand and led her outside.

They had a lot of shit to do and he was going to need help.

***

It had been two days since Nan died and Journey felt like she was in a fog. Thankfully Dylan was handling everything for her because she didn’t think she could do it herself. She could barely get out of bed each morning. Dylan’s family had stepped in, helping with the kids and the arrangements. She knew that she should be doing it, but she just couldn’t. Dylan had found the lock box with all of Nan’s paperwork in her bedroom closet. She had bought the plot next to her husband and daughter, so they had to have her funeral in Charleston.

She hadn’t even showered yet when Ruth, Bellamy
, and Stacy came to take her shopping for funeral clothes for her and the kids. They were in the living room talking to Dylan and the kids. She went into the bathroom to brush her teeth, wash her face, and brush her hair up into a messy bun on the top of her head. Looking at herself in the mirror she wasn’t surprised she looked like shit. Dark circles and bags graced her eyes. She felt exhausted. No matter how much she slept, she was still tired.

Dressed in yoga pants and a
zip-up hoodie, she walked out into the living room. They all turned to look at her when she walked into the room. She hated the look of pity in their eyes. It reminded her of how people back in Alabama looked at her after her parents died. Joey saw her and ran to her, smiling. She scooped him up in her arms and kissed him all over his little face. He babbled on and on as she carried him into the kitchen with her so she could grab a bottle of water.

Sitting him on the counter
, she opened her water, taking a big gulp of it. “Mama! Bye-bye!” Her boy was getting so smart and she tried to smile at him, but she couldn’t make those muscles in her face work.

Dylan came into the kitchen, and smiled at her and Joey
. “Hey, baby, you okay?”

She just shrugged her shoulders.
His arms wrapped around her, she didn’t hug him back, but she leaned into him, taking in his warmth. Ruth called out to her that it was time to go. Grabbing Joey off the counter, she kissed him one more time before handing him to Dylan. He leaned down kissing her lips softly his hand cupped her face and his thumb rubbed over the dark circle beneath her eye.

“I’ll see you when you get home.
I love you, Journey.” She rested her forehead against his neck-inhaling his scent that wrapped around her like a blanket.

The women and Abby were all standing by the front door waiting for her.
Abby had been especially clingy since the accident, even crawling into bed with Journey and Dylan in the middle of the night. She was glad Abby was going with them because Ruth, Bell, and Stacy would lavish her with the positive attention she needed.

She just wanted to get the whole shopping trip over with so she could go home, crawl in bed
, and forget everything. Tomorrow they were burying Nan. They were doing a viewing/celebration of her life and burial. Journey didn’t want to drag it out because it was going to be hard enough as it was. Cash had talked to Dylan and he was coming to the services, which Journey thought that was nice of him.

They made their way out to Ruth’s car.
Journey hoped they found everything they needed in one store and then they could be done with it.

Chapter Nineteen

Journey walked into the funeral home and stepped into the room where they were holding Nan’s service.
Ruth had decorated the place with Bellamy’s help. There were collages to the side that had pictures of Nan, Journey, and the kids. Nan and her husband’s wedding photo were front and center. The rest were a mixture of Nan’s old life and the life she lived with Journey and her kids. One of Nan’s co-workers brought pictures of Nan from the hospital. It was clear that the woman was truly loved by everyone. Flowers were everywhere; Nan would’ve loved it. She was a girly-girl who loved any type of flower.

She brushed a hand down the black dress she was wearing.
Journey had chosen a black wrap dress with white paisleys. It had three-quarter length sleeves. She wore it with black tights and her knee high black boots. Abby was in a simple black dress with a dark pink cardigan. Joey was dressed similar to Dylan: black pants, shoes and dark blue dress shirt.

People were due to arrive shortly and Journey wanted a minute alone with Nan.
Dylan’s mom took Joey from her and Dylan was occupying Abby. On unsteady feet, she made her way to the front of the room where Nan’s casket was. It was an open casket since it was internal injuries that killed her. The autopsy called it a massive brain hemorrhage. Reaching the casket, her heart started pounding in her chest. She looked like she was sleeping. Kneeling on the bench in front of the casket, she closed her eyes and rested her forehead against the cold wood of the coffin.

She wanted to speak to her, but the words were stuck in her throat
. There was so much she wanted to say and it was killing her that she couldn’t get it out. She wanted to thank her for being there when she just moved to town with a moody three-year-old and her own hormonal self. Journey wanted to thank her for loving the kids and herself like they were her own. Nan was her best friend and she had no idea how she was going to survive without her. Journey’s eyes burned, but no tears fell. She stood up, and when she turned to walk back to Dylan, her brother was standing right there.

“I’m so sorry, JoJo
.” He pulled her into a hug. She let him lead her to Dylan when people starting coming in. Dylan had brought Abby and Joey towards the front where she joined them. They shook hands with so many people who came to pay their respects. Nan was truly loved and respected by everyone who knew her. When Joey started getting cranky, Ruth came up and got him. Abby had been doing okay, but Journey knew the little girl’s heart was broken. Once the line was done, they sat down as a minister came up and said a few words about Nan.

He knew Nan from the hospital where he came to visit the hospice patients.
Journey’s stomach ached as he went on and on about Nan’s caring nature and that every patient she had she treated with love and respect.

“She was a friend to everyone who met her
.” He finished with a prayer and then Stacy went up to sing. Journey had asked her the day before if she would sing “Amazing Grace.” Her voice filled the room. The way she sang it was beautiful. Her voice was smooth and effortless. When she was done, Stacy came over to kiss her cheek. She grabbed her hand, giving it a squeeze.

Dylan, his dad, Dustin, Luke
, and Nan’s favorite security guard were the pallbearers. The funeral director came in and closed the coffin. The bang of the lid closing caused Journey’s lungs to seize up. She couldn’t breathe. It felt like someone was sitting on her chest. Leaning forward, she tried to catch her breath but she couldn’t, a fine sheen of sweat coated her skin.

“Journey, baby, breathe for me.” Dylan was down in front of her. His mom was next to him.

A hand was thrust in front of her
. “Here, sweetheart, take this.” She accepted the little white pill and swallowed it down.

“What was that, Bell?”
she heard Dylan ask.

“I gave her one of my Xanax.
I really shouldn’t have, but she could probably use something to take the edge off.” Ruth sat down next to her, wrapping her in her embrace.

Once she was calmed down a little the men moved to the front and started moving
Nan outside to the hearse. Ruth helped Journey up, and with Abby walking in front of them, they headed out to the limo. Dylan and his parents rode with Journey and the kids in the limo. She was grateful because they kept the kids entertained on the forty minute drive. Dylan wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her deeper into his side. She snuggled into him, but continued to watch the scenery go by as she stared out the window.

They pulled into the cemetery
. Following the hearse through the winding roads, they pulled up and parked just over a little hill. The canopy and chairs were already set up. Charlie got out first and helped the rest of them out. Journey held Abby’s hand and led her towards the seats in the front.

Only about half of the people showed up to the burial
, which was fine with her. She didn’t want to deal with anyone else. Dylan and the rest of the pallbearers carried the casket and placed it on the burial site. He came and joined her in the front row.

“How are you doing
? Do you need anything?”

She shook her head and then looked around at all of the people who came
. Dylan’s family all stood behind them. Their support was amazing. They still didn’t know her very well, but dropping everything to be there for her and her kids meant a lot. Ruth sat down next to her so she could take Joey away if he started getting antsy.

The graveside service went quickly
, or at least it felt that way. When it was time to start lowering the casket, Journey stood up, grabbed a rose, and tossed it onto the casket. Others followed suit and then they started to make their way back to the limo. Abby held onto her hand, not letting it go once since the service. Joey was asleep in Dustin’s arms. He and Stacy were going to take him back to their house for a little bit. Journey kissed Joey’s little lips and then his forehead. Dustin and Stacy gave her a nod and smile before they took him to their car.

Once inside the limo, Abby curled herself up in between Journey and Ruth.
As the limo pulled away, she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces. Abby burst into heart-wrenching sobs that killed Journey to hear. She hugged her little girl close as she cried for the woman who had been a grandma to her. All of the sleepovers they had, the lunch dates and everything else that Nan did for them were gone. How were they supposed to go on without her?

Abby’s wails filled the back of the limo. At first Journey didn’t know if she totally got what it meant when someone died, but her cries proved that she did on some level.
Journey tried to comfort her baby, but Abby was inconsolable. She wasn’t sure how much more she could take before she broke, too. Her baby was devastated and Journey felt like a failure because nothing she said or did was having an effect on her. Ruth had whispered in her ear to let Abby get it out, that she probably just needed that release.

By the time they got back to the funeral home
, Abby had finally zonked out. She let Dylan pick her up and carry her to his truck. Ruth and Charlie both hugged her and said they’d check on her later. She hurried over to the truck, wanting nothing more than to get home and crawl into bed. So when they did get there that’s exactly what she did. Since Abby was still sleeping, Dylan laid her down in the bed as well. She wrapped herself around her little girl, letting sleep claim her.

***

“So how’s she doing?” Dustin asked as he sat across from Dylan in the booth.

“Not good. It’s been two weeks and she’s still walking around like a zombie.
She sleeps all of the time and she hasn’t even gone back to work.” Journey had been having a terrible time since Nan died. He knew she was just depressed. He had no idea how to snap her out of it. “I feel like she’s pulling away from me. She hardly talks, and when she does, it’s one word answers if I ask her a question.” It made his chest ache thinking that she might break off things with him.

“Well, what about the kids? Is she pulling away from them?”

“She’s not pulling away from them, but they can pick up on it.
Joey’s been crabby as hell lately and Abby won’t leave my side for two seconds. Things are falling apart and I don’t know how to fix it.” He could see her slowly slipping further and further away.

“What about having her brother talk to her
? Maybe he can snap her out of it.”

“I already tried that.
You know one thing that’s really weird is that she hasn’t cried once. Not when we were told about Nan, not at the memorial, and not at her burial, either. We met with Nan’s lawyer last week. She left everything she had to Journey and the kids. Even as the lawyer read everything off, she didn’t react.”

His frustration was growing every day
. He was going to reach a breaking point soon. Every day he left for work he worried about Joey. He didn’t think Journey would hurt their son, but she wasn’t with it a lot and with her sleeping on and off all day he was worried about Joey getting hurt. She’d flat out refused when he told her he’d take Joey to daycare. So he enlisted the help of his mom, sister and Stacy to just “drop by” and check on them.

“It sounds like she’s holding it all in.
Maybe you need to push her a little. You know, make her get upset until she cries so she can let it out.”

“You want me to push at her until she cries? Isn’t that a little cruel?” He didn’t know if he could do that, but he was desperate.
He wanted the woman back that he fell in love with. “I’ll think about it.”

They finished their lunches and went back to work.

Pulling up in front of Journey’s place, he took a deep breath. He thought long and hard about what he was going to do and decided that he was just going to have to do what his brother suggested. He didn’t know how he’d approach it, but it was time he did something. Dylan couldn’t handle one more day with her being a zombie.

When he stepped inside
, Abby came to him immediately. “Dylan! You’re home!” Her little arms wrapped around his neck squeezing him.

“How was your day at school, sweetheart?”

“It was great! I got to
help pass out the snacks today and then Becca sat with me at lunch today.” Besides the clinginess, Abby seemed to be doing a lot better.

“That’s great, sweetheart.
Where’s your mommy?”

“She and Joey are laying down for a nap.”
He sat her down on the couch and told her to sit and watch her movie.

Walking into Journey’s bedroom
, he found Joey sitting up on the bed playing with her cell phone.

“Jesus
,” he muttered. Joey could’ve fallen off the bed and gotten seriously hurt. He picked him up and took him out to the living room. Going into the kitchen, he grabbed the kids a snack and something to drink.

“Abby, sweetheart
, I need you to keep an eye on your brother for a minute, okay?”

“Okay
,” Abby said happily as she ate her cookie.

Dylan walked back to Journey’s room.
She was still out. He sat down on the bed next to her-stroking her hair. “Baby, wake up.”

Her eyes fluttered open
. “Where’s Joey?”

“He’s in the living room with Abby.
We need to talk, honey. Can you sit up for me?” He turned so he was fully facing her. It took her a minute but she pushed herself up so she was facing him, too.

She was so pale. Her cheekbones seemed to be more pronounced
, which didn’t surprise him. He hardly saw her eat anymore, but how could she when she slept most of the time?

“I’m worried about you, baby.
You sleep all of the time. You’re not eating and you barely speak to me. I know you’re hurting, but you have to snap out of it. We need you.”

Her eyes were blank as they stared up at him.

“Baby, Nan’s gone, but you’re still here.
Haven’t you noticed that Abby’s clingier? Joey’s picking up on your mood. He’s crabby all of the time.”

He got no reaction whatsoever.
He didn’t want to, but it was time to bring out the big guns.

“Journey, I love you, but this has got to stop.
I know you’re hurting, I know you loved Nan very much, but we’re not dead!” She jerked back a little bit, which he was going to take as a good sign. “I don’t know how to help you, but I can’t stand watching you pull further and further away from me. Tell me how to help you.”

She drew her knees up, wrapping her arms around them.

“Stop shutting me out!” She only seemed to respond to him if he raised his voice. “The kids need you
—I need you, dammit! You’ve turned into a fucking zombie! Do I need to take you to the hospital? Maybe they can help you, because I certainly can’t. Did you know I’m worried about leaving Joey with you every day when I leave? What happens if you fall asleep while he’s up and he gets hurt? Maybe they need to come with me to my house for now. Maybe then you’ll snap out of this depression.” He went to stand up, but she stopped him with a hand on his arm.