Behaving Badly (26 page)

‘I’m afraid I will have to ask her,’ Daisy replied. ‘She works quite closely with him, and she seems to have the ear of their new head of department, so Nigel likes to keep in with her—but I agree, she’s a bit of a cow. You can invite David, if you like,’ she added, as we looked at the standard lamps.

‘Can I?’

‘Of course. Nigel won’t mind, and it’ll be nicer for you as I’ll be pretty busy, and anyway, I’d like to
meet
him. I know so much about him. In fact—Christ, Miranda—just think:
I
know things about David that he doesn’t even know
himself
.’

‘I will ask him, then,’ I said. ‘Thanks. After all, if it wasn’t for you, Daisy, I wouldn’t have met him.’

‘Is that right?’

‘Yes, because you recommended me to Caroline—’ Trigger
was the trigger, I suddenly realized, ‘—which is how I met Jimmy again. And then you encouraged me to look for David.’

‘And you found him!’

‘Yes.’ My heart turned over. ‘I did. Anyway, I’m glad Nigel’s having a party—it would be a shame not to.’

‘And obviously, I’m not going to bring up the marriage issue before then,’ Daisy went on, with surprising calm. ‘Because, well, it would spoil his birthday, wouldn’t it, if we were having a crisis.’

‘It’s up to you.’

‘And what’s another two weeks, when you think about it?’

‘Hmm.’ We finished browsing and made our way outside. ‘That’s where the self-defence classes are, by the way,’ she said, as the traffic roared past. ‘Over there, in Howland Street. You will come this week, won’t you?’

‘Yes, sure.’

‘Marcus is a great teacher. And although you’re not very likely to be mugged again, I think it’s good to have these techniques up your sleeve. Anyway, I’d better dash. I’ve got an underwater theme party to organize and I’ve got to find some mermaids’ tails for the waitresses.’

‘And I have to attend to a nymphomaniac cat.’

Animal Crackers
has been getting huge ratings—seven million—which is great for business. By Wednesday afternoon I’d taken six new bookings. If I have seven a week, I’m fine. With eight I’m in profit. Nine and I’m laughing. My money worries have begun to subside. Unlike my mother’s.

‘The cash-flow’s
dire
,’ she said, when she called for a chat at six. ‘So I’ve decided I’m definitely going to do the Llama Psychotherapy during the week. I’m going to call it “Llama
Karma”. I’ve already put it on my website and I’ve had some leaflets printed up. I put some in the post to you yesterday.’

‘How much will you charge?’

‘A hundred for the day, to include lunch. The local radio people are interviewing me about it but what I really need is
national
publicity. Do you know anyone on one of the broad-sheets?’

‘I’m afraid I don’t. I’m not in that loop. Oh, I do know a young guy on the
Independent on Sunday
,’ I suddenly remembered. ‘He’s on the diary, but he’d tell you who you could contact for some feature coverage.’

‘Are you
sure
you can’t get me on
Animal Crackers
?’ she asked plaintively.

‘You
know
I can’t, Mum. I don’t want to annoy them by even asking again, to be honest.’

‘Well, if there’s
anyone
you know who’s really stressed—anyone at all—then tell them to call me and they can come and spend the day with the boys.’

Ten minutes later, Dad phoned—it’s funny how he and Mum often phone within minutes of each other. Perhaps they’re more in tune than they realize.

Dad sounded depressed. ‘I’ve had the chairman giving me an ear-bashing about the cost of paving the parking lot, and hiring green-keeping staff, and we’ve only had five new members this week. Plus the golf pro has resigned because he thinks the club isn’t going to work out.
Plus
I sent your mother a friendly card, and she returned it, unopened.’

‘Oh dear.’

‘I just don’t under
stand
. You said she was “fine” about me coming down here. But she clearly isn’t. I can’t even get her to acknowledge me, let alone be civil. She pretends not to know me. It’s absurd.’

‘Then why don’t you just turn up at the house?’

‘Jesus, no! She’d probably call the police. I didn’t exactly expect her to hang up a “Welcome” sign for me; but I didn’t think she’d be so openly hostile either.’

‘Well, she’s not the most forgiving person in the world.’

‘Tell me about it. You know, Miranda, maybe I’ve made a big mistake in coming back,’ he went on. ‘I mean, I’ve been here less than a month and already I’m so wound up. I’m just so
stressed
,’ he added wearily.
Ah…

By seven, the puppy party crowd had arrived. Lily had come in brandishing two bottles of champagne to celebrate the fact that
Moi!
had won Magazine of the Year the night before.

‘Let’s have a
proper
party!’ she said. ‘You don’t mind do you, teach’?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘That’s fine by me.’ I nipped round the corner and bought some crisps and olives. Then we all sat there sipping Laurent-Perrier, playing Pass the Puppy.

‘Couldn’t we go outside with them?’ Lily suddenly asked. ‘Yes,’ Phyllis agreed, with another large swig. Her papery cheeks were quite pink. ‘Couldn’t we go outside?’

‘Yes, Miranda, please, please, please—can’t we go outside?’ they chorused.

‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Why
not
? There’s plenty of light left, and we could do some basic disobedience.’

‘Shouldn’t that be “obedience”?’ said Sue.

My head was swimming slightly as I reached for Herman’s lead. ‘Yes. Obedience. That’s what I said.’ As we left the Mews, the chiropractor grinned at us as he got into his car.

‘It’s the puppy posse!’ Lily called out.

‘Now,
do
tell me more about your film stunts,’ Phyllis asked Marcus as they strolled along in front of me. He’d gallantly offered her his arm.

‘No, Phyllis,’ he protested. ‘It’s
too
boring talking about work.’

‘But
your
work isn’t boring at all. Please tell us,’ she insisted.

‘Yes, do, Marcus,’ said Lily. ‘Anyway, I need to know because I might do an article about you.’

‘What do you enjoy most?’ Phyllis asked, as a small boy stopped to stroke the puppies. ‘Horse-riding stunts?’

‘No, horses aren’t really my thing. My favourites are aerial stunts—parachuting, flying, sky-diving, hang-gliding—anything like that. I like stair falls, and motorbike skids; and I do enjoy a good car crash.’ I noticed that the little boy was giving Marcus odd looks. ‘I also quite enjoy being blown up when I get the chance,’ he added. ‘Air rams are brilliant for that.’

‘What are
air rams
?’ asked Phyllis, enthralled, as we walked on.

‘They’re nitrogen-powered footplates. You just step onto them and they blow you
right
into the air. We used them in
Private Ryan
—we got some fabulous explosions.’

Phyllis was sighing with happiness.

‘What’s your best stunt
ever
?’ Lily asked, as we passed The Queens pub.

‘Do I have to tell you?’ he groaned.

‘Yes, you do,’ she commanded.

‘Okay,’ he sighed. ‘But only as you’re asking. It was a high level fight I once did.’

‘How high?’ asked Phyllis.

‘Well, you know that statue of Christ outside Rio de Janeiro.’

‘Jesus!’ Lily exclaimed.

‘Yes—that one. I had to climb up into the head via a small hole and cling to the crown of thorns. Then I walked out
along an arm, two and a half thousand feet above the city and had to fight this other stuntman.’

Phyllis had clapped her hand to her chest in an ecstasy of terror. I was worried that she was going to collapse.

‘Did you have a safety harness?’ Lily asked, her eyes goggling.

‘No.’

‘Did you fall?’ Phyllis asked. ‘Is that how you broke your nose?’

‘If I’d fallen two and a half thousand feet, Phyllis, I can assure you I’d have broken a
lot
more than my nose. No, I was lifted off by helicopter, on the end of a rope, and they dropped me on Copacabana beach.’

‘Were you always a daredevil?’ Phyllis asked as we crossed Primrose Hill Road.

‘No, I was a bit of a squit really. I was very anxious and got picked on all the time.
That’s
how my nose got broken—in the playground. Maybe that’s why I went into this business—to conquer my fears.’

‘And how’s your new young lady?’ Phyllis asked with a tipsy smirk.

‘Oh she’s…fine,’ he replied. ‘She’s absolutely fine.’

‘She must have been thrilled with the chocolates,’ I said.

‘Well, she was,’ he replied. ‘Except…well, unfortunately, chocolate gives Natalie migraines.’

‘Really? Oh dear.’

‘Yeah.’ He shrugged. ‘I didn’t know that. It’s quite a serious problem for her actually, she really suffers with them but—hey—there she is!’ Coming towards us, on our side of the road, was a slender blonde of exquisite prettiness. It was
her
—the Timotei ad. The girl I’d seen in the Mews. So
she
was Marcus’s new flame.

‘She’s
very
pretty,’ Phyllis said admiringly.

‘Yes, she’s gorgeous,’ Marcus whispered back. He waved at Natalie who suddenly stopped dead in her tracks, then crossed to the other side of the road. Then she got out her mobile phone, and dialled. Suddenly Marcus’s mobile trilled out.

‘Hi, Nats!’ he said. ‘How are you? Good. Yes, I’m fine—apart from a slight sniffle. And where are you going? To the chemist? Piriton? For your hay fever? Oh, I see. Well we’re just going onto the Hill with the puppies.’

‘Why’s she
doing
that?’ Phyllis whispered to Lily. Lily shrugged her slim shoulders.

‘Haven’t a clue. Maybe it’s her way of playing hard to get.’

‘Okay,’ said Marcus. ‘See you later, then.’ He snapped shut his phone, and waved at Natalie, who gave him a little wave back—then she carried on down Regents Park Road.

‘What was
that
about?’ Lily enquired.

‘Oh, well, unfortunately, Natalie’s allergic to dogs. And when she saw all the puppies she just knew it would bring her out in bumps.’

‘Oh dear,’ I said.

‘Yes, it can be quite bad actually—so she was just playing it safe. With cats it’s even worse. She has a very nasty reaction.’

‘But isn’t that a bit of a problem?’ Phyllis asked. She nodded at Twiglet.

‘Oh not…really,’ he said, shifting slightly. ‘No, no, I wouldn’t say that’s a problem.’

‘I’ve seen her in the Mews,’ I said, as we turned in at the gate. ‘Quite often actually. I assumed she worked there. I didn’t realize she was your girlfriend.’

‘Well, she has aromatherapy once a week to de-stress her, and she goes to the homeopath for her allergies, and to the chiropractor for her lower back pain. She has a cranial massage
once a fortnight for her migraines, and she uses Chinese herbal remedies to improve her yin and yang. That’s how I knew about you,’ he said. ‘Because she saw your plaque on the wall when you first opened up.’

‘I see.’ We’d caught up with the rest of the group. ‘Anyway, everyone, we’re going to do some sit and stay. So take the puppies off the lead and plonk them down in a row, here, next to Herman. Then, using hand signals, like this—make them wait to the count of five; then fling open your arms, and they’ll come. If they do it properly, reward them with lots of praise and a liver treat—I’ve got the bag here—but
don’t
reward them until they’ve done it.’

‘—Stay, Bentley.’

‘—Stay, Lola.’

‘—Staaaaay, Sooty.’

‘—Maisie, sta-a-a-a-ay!’

‘—Stay there, Gwyneth darling, don’t move an
inch
.’

‘—
STAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
’

‘—Not an
inch
, Gwyneth—do you hear me?’

The puppies all looked stupefied to start with, but then they got the hang of it.

‘—Oh darling,
well
done, that was just
so
brilliant—you little
genius
!’

‘—Good
girl
, Roxy!’

‘—
Good
boy, Cosmo!’

‘Well done, Twiggers. Give me five.’ Suddenly Marcus’s mobile trilled out. ‘Hi, Nats!’ he said happily. We all looked up. Natalie was standing on the other side of Regents Park Road, her curtain of white-blonde hair lifting slightly in the breeze. ‘Oh,’ Marcus said. ‘Oh.’ He looked crestfallen. ‘Well, it’s only a little sniffle. Honestly, it’s nothing. I shouldn’t have mentioned it. It’s just a bit of a summer cold. No, no, no, I’m sure I’m not infectious. Streptococcal? I very much doubt it.

Virus?
No…
Of
course
I’m sure. Okay,’ he sighed. ‘If that’s how you feel. All right then. All right. I’ll ring you later.’ He snapped the phone shut, then smiled ruefully.

‘I take it your date’s off,’ Lily said, as we watched Natalie drift away.

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘She’s decided that she doesn’t want to see me after all in case she catches my cold. She’s
very
sensitive, you see.’

‘She’s the delicate type then,’ said Phyllis.

‘Yes,’ he said, ‘she’s
very
delicate.’

‘Fragile.’

‘Yes,’ he agreed, with a slightly idiotic smile. ‘She’s fragile.’

‘So I don’t suppose she’s very sporty, is she?’ Phyllis asked. He smiled indulgently. ‘Oh no, she’s not sporty at
all
.’

‘She’s not the outdoors type.’

‘Far from it.’

‘So she’s rather different from you, then?’ Phyllis per sisted.

‘Yes. But then it’s opposites that attract. Isn’t it?’

‘Yes,’ she replied. ‘
Some
times.’ An odd silence descended.

‘And…does she go to the self-defence classes?’ I asked him.

He shook his head. ‘I’ve tried to persuade her, but she says it’s too rough. And it
is
quite rough; we do a lot of mock-attacks and throws and falls—it’s very physical, obviously. Are you coming tomorrow, by the way?’

‘I certainly am.’ I glanced at my watch. It was nine. ‘Okay, everyone, the light’s going, so I think we’ll call it a day. See you all next week at the same time, and I’ll see you tomorrow evening, Marcus.’