Behind the Tears (Behind the Lives) (12 page)

“I thought you were my stepfather.”

“It’s been ten years since Chaz beat you up, you hafta stop letting your memories mess with your life.”

“That’s easier said than done.”

“Maybe if you didn’t bottle things up all of the time you might be able handle things better. Talk to me, confide in me, lemme take some of the load offa you. I love you and wanna help.”

“I thought I
wuz
handling things.”

She touched her eye. “Does this look like it?”

He pulled a face. “You’re making me feel like shit.”

“I’m just stating facts, and everyone else may see the big tough Ash Rata, but I see a scared boy.”

“I’m not scared,” he said, getting wound up.

“Yes, you are, you looked terrified when you swung out at me.”

“For Christ’s sake, don’t say it like that, I thought you were Chaz.”

“You don’t hafta keep telling me that, and even if Chaz were here now, you’re big, you could take him on easily. Think that, cos you could pound him to nuthin’.”

“You don’t understand.”
I’m never big in my dreams, I’m always fifteen.

“Then explain it to me.”

“I wish I could, but I can’t.”

“Why?”

Because it hurts too much and you won’t understand, no one can unless they’ve had it happen to them. And you... Christ, when you asked me to force you I came so close to leaving you, so fucking close. You have no bloody idea what rape feels like, and for you to fantasise about it made me want to scream at you. It’s my fault for not telling you, but how can I without upsetting you? Do you want me to tell you I think you’re perverted? I don’t think so. It’s just better to shut up, because at least I hurt you less this way.

“
Ash...
” she drew out his name, like she was exasperated with him. “You’re doin’ it again. Stop holding things in. It’s not good for either of us. How ’bout you blurt it out like you said you used to, just get it over and done with, like ripping off a plaster.”

“It won’t make things better,”
nothing can do that.

“Why not?”

“Please, Beth, just quit it.”

“No! I’ve had enough. You tell me now or I’m leaving.”

He knew she meant it, but he still couldn’t bring himself to tell her outright. He looked down at his feet, wondering whether he could possibly word it in a way without actually saying he was raped. He could maybe tell her that his stepfather had dropped a roofie into his beer, then maybe she would understand and back off, because most people knew what that drug was used for. He went to open his mouth, but got shoved onto the bed, the top of his sore head coming into contact with the wall. Consumed by the jolt of pain, he turned onto his side and cradled it.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Beth said, her voice dripping with disbelief. “Look at me.” She climbed on top of him, and tried to push him onto his back.

“Stoppit.”

“No, I’ve had a gutful of your brooding.”

He let go of his head and grabbed her around the waist to move her off him.

“Don’t touch me!” she yelled, slapping him across the cheek.

Ash let go, too shocked to do anything else.

She started crying. “I needa know, so tell me what you’re hiding, cos I can’t handle this anymore.” She screwed up her face, like she thought he was never going to tell her, but for the first time he actually wanted to, well, not
wanted
—but
needed
to, because right at that moment he realised he’d hurt her more by keeping things a secret.

“I’m sorry, I—”

She cut him off before he could explain what had happened to him. “I don’t care if you’re sorry cos you don’t mean it.”

“I do—”

“Shut up, just shut up!  You’re a liar! Cos if you did mean it you wouldn’t do exactly the same thing over and over again. I hate it, cos it makes me feel like nuthin’. God, even Dante cares more ’bout me than you do. I should’ve asked him out, cos at least he makes love to me like he cares.”

“What?” Ash said, not sure if he’d heard right.

Beth’s face dropped. “That didn’t come out right,” she said, getting off him.

He pushed to his feet. “Did you just say you fucked Dante?”

She shook her head.

“You said he makes love to you.”

“It wuz one time, an accident.”

Ash went silent, completely speechless.

“We didn’t mean for it to happen,” she said, her soft voice snapping Ash out of his dumbstruck state.

“So, his cock accidentally slipped into your pussy?”

She shook her head vigorously, her expression scared.

“When?” He paused, waiting for an answer. “When?!”

“After you left for work today, we got into a fight. We did and said things without thinking.”

Ash put his hands to his head, wanting to scream at her. His brother? His own fucking brother! “How could you do that?”
How could Dante do that?
“You hate him. You’re nasty to him. Why would you...” All his thoughts rushed his mind at once, battling each other to make sense of things. She always dropped everything to pick Dante up, got whiny when Dante had women around... “You’ve always wanted him, haven’t ya?” He ploughed ahead before she could answer. “Didja think of him while we were fucking?”

Again, she shook her head vigorously.

“Bullshit, I betcha chose me cos you knew Dante would cheat on you.”

She opened her mouth then shut it, her expression telling him it was true.

“Why didja even ask me out if you wanted him?”

“Cos I wanted to be with you just as much.”

He pointed at her face, making her flinch. “You’re a liar. You used me, everyone fuckin’ uses me.”

“It wuzn’t like that,” she said, reaching for him.

He sidestepped her hands. “Don’t touch me, don’t ever fuckin’ touch me again.”

“I didn’t wanna hurt you, but you did this, you kept pushing me away. And you lied to me, cos I know you’re still in love with your ex. If you could, you’d cheat on me in an instant to be with her.”

“I would never cheat! I’d break things off if I wanted to be with someone else.”

“Now you’re lying, cos you want to be with her, not me.”

“I didn’t sleep with her,
you
slept with Dante.”

“You pushed me.”

“So, it’s my fault you fucked my brother?”

Her jaw clenched. “If you’d showed me love, instead of treating me like crap, I wouldn’t have done him. I showed you that I love you.”

“You don’t love me, cos you can’t. You don’t treat someone you love like that, cheat on them with their own brother. He’s the closest family I have, the only person I could fully trust, who knows everything ’bout me. Now you stuffed that up. I’ve got no one now. No one!”

“That’s your own fault! You push everyone away!”

“Get out!”

“This is my room.”

“Get out!”

“I hate you, I hate you!” She went for the door, jolting back as it opened from the outside.

Dante stood in the passage, blocking her exit. “What the hell is goin’ on?” His eyes widened. “What happened to your face, Beth?”

She pushed past him, the front door slamming a few seconds later.

Dante’s gaze moved to Ash. “What did you do?”

“Me?” Ash charged at Dante, shoving him into the passage wall.

Dante shoved him back, his expression now angry. “You don’t hit women!”

Ash moved his face within a breath of Dante’s. “She wuzn’t crying cos of that, you bastard. You fucked her!”

Dante’s face went slack.

Ash pushed away from him. “Fucking a married woman wuzn’t enough for you, so you went after my one?”

“Oprosti mi.”

“Your apology means shit. You spoke to me over the phone like nuthin’ had happened. You’re only sorry you got caught.”

Dante flinched. “I snapped. She wouldn’t stop pushing me.”

“You fucked her cos you were mad at her?”

“No, I wanted her, always have, but I stopped it when I realised what I wuz doin’.”

“So, you think that makes it right?” Ash spat. “You fuck her, then suddenly get a conscience after coming?”

“I stopped it before that. And she should’ve asked me out, not you. Everyone chooses you over me.”

“Yeah, the rapists and cheaters choose me. Not sumpthin’ to be fuckin’ jealous over.”

“You can’t include Tiana in that. You should’ve stayed with her, but you hafta control everything and everyone completely. You never compromise, you just do as you please.”

“I don’t do as I please!” Ash yelled. “You’re the one who does whatever the hell you want. And if I did what I wanted, I wouldn’t be selling drugs; I’d be with Tiana and Angelo.”

“So Beth’s a consolation, or with the way you treat her, a booby prize, someone that’s there cos you can’t get what and who you want.”

“She wuz still my woman! I never cheated on her.”

“You don’t own her! And you did cheat. You may not have fucked someone else, but you would’ve dropped her in a second if Tiana came running back. Beth’s just there when you feel like fuckin’ someone. Stuff her feelings. Well, what didja expect her to do, stick around you forever while you treat her like crap?”

Ash’s hands clenched into fists.

“You don’t even love Beth,” Dante continued, his face going red with anger. “So, yeah, I fucked her, but I also fuckin’ love her. You ... you just fuck her, but give nuthin’ back. You fuck everyone over, like Sledge. You’re a violent arsehole just like Dad!”

Words couldn’t describe how Ash felt—not a cliché but reality.

Anger...

Hurt...

Betrayal...

...they weren’t enough. Pure rage was closer to the mark. Every fucked up thing that had ever happened to him battered his mind: his father beating him up, his stepfather raping him, his mother being killed in front of him, the woman he loved and trusted leaving with his child, his kid brother assaulting his mate and his other brother fucking his girlfriend. He wanted to stop those thoughts, to punish the people who hurt him, to hit out...

again,

again,

and again...

Dante hollered, catching his attention. Ash froze, realising he’d been hitting his brother on autopilot. He dropped his hands and stared in shock at Dante’s bloodied face. The next second Dante’s fist barrelled into Ash’s stomach, making him stumble back. Coughing, he looked up as Dante shoved him into the wall, slamming more breath out of him and jolting his head. Ash wobbled, confusion and dizziness taking over. He lifted a hand, then let it flop back down, too disorientated to understand the angry words spilling out of his brother’s mouth. His eyelids wavered, then closed as he slid down the wall and onto his butt. Banging reverberated throughout the house, but he couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from. He needed to sleep...

“Ash?” Dante said, his voice no longer angry. “I didn’t hit you that hard.”

Ash’s chin was yanked up.

“Open your eyes,” Dante said, slapping Ash’s cheek. “What’s happening to you?”

“My head,” Ash mumbled, his words slurring.

“I didn’t hit your head.”

“Len did—” Ash slumped over.

10

Dante

Dante watched as another nurse went past, anxiously waiting for someone to tell him whether Ash was alright. His sister continued to babble in the seat next to him, increasing his anxiety.

“How could you do that, Dante, how could you?” Juliet hissed. Earlier, she’d turned up at his place, yelling and banging on the front door when she’d heard the fight.

Dante shoved his fingers through his hair. “I only punched him in the gut,” he said quietly, self-conscious of being overheard. A woman with a toddler was giving him curious glances. He wondered whether it was because of his battered face. Although the blood had been cleaned off, he had bruising under his left eye while his mouth and jaw hurt like a motherfucker—nothing broken, although it sure as hell felt like it.

“Then how did he get knocked out?”

People stopped what they were doing and looked up.

“Lower your voice,” Dante said. “We fought, but I never hit his head. He mentioned Len Jones. Ash phoned me earlier, saying he needed to brief me on sumpthin’ that had gone down at the Joneses.”

“The Joneses? I don’t understand why Ash even went near those psychos after they tried to shoot you. You two are so stupid sometimes, it makes me wanna scream.”

“Hey, we’re not stupid.”

“Stupid, thick-headed, brainless, testosterone-crazed men...” She covered her face, little hiccups accompanying her crying. “I couldn’t take it if Ash died.”

Dante placed an arm around her shoulders, and gave her a gentle squeeze. “He won’t, he’s strong, he’ll be fine,” he said with more confidence than he felt.