Being Jamie Baker (18 page)

Ryan was dying for a relationship, but I couldn’t give that to him.

Ryan and Becky stood there for what seemed like forever. And for as long as they held each other, I stood there, watching. I felt like I should give them their privacy, but I was unable to make myself look away. Becky was the first to move.

“Are you okay?” she asked, pulling back from Ryan’s arms to assess his eye. It was already turning purple.

“I’m fine.” Ryan sighed. “Shiners are sexy, right?”

Becky laughed once through her tears and shook her head, forcing Ryan to sigh again. “At least he didn’t break my nose. I can’t believe he hit me.”

“He’s a jerk,” Becky argued.

“I guess I deserved it. I shouldn’t have gone off like that.”

“You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.”

“But they’ve been my friends for so long.”

“Forget them, Ryan,” Becky whispered, hugging her arms tightly around his waist again. “They deserve each other. And you deserve better friends.”

“You’re still my friend, right?”

“Only the best since second grade.” Becky pulled back and smiled up at Ryan. “That’s never going to change.”

They laughed as they hugged each other again, but Becky’s smile quickly faded. “Thanks for sticking up for me.”

“Mike’s an idiot. I should have kicked his butt weeks ago. But I thought it would all just blow over, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry.”

“No.” Becky sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause a fight.”

“Don’t worry about it. That fight was really about Jamie anyway.” A sharp pain ripped through me as I watched Ryan drag Becky off in the direction of her first class. It was one thing for me to think I was ruining his life, but it was entirely another to hear him confirm it.

I had to get out of there. I turned around and headed right back to the parking lot. I could still hear Ryan and Becky talking as I walked. “Ryan, about Jamie,” Becky started to say. It was clear from her tone that she wasn’t exactly thrilled with our friendship either.

“Let’s not talk about Jamie right now,” Ryan interrupted her. “I’ve already had enough arguments for one day.”

“But she’s…”

I don’t know what made her stop her sentence, but instead of repeating all the things Paige called me earlier, all she said was, “I’m just worried about you.”

“Don’t be” was the last thing I heard before I started my car and sped away from school.

I went home, and my face was so pale it was easy to convince my parents that I didn’t feel well. I might as well have had a legitimate illness because I was miserable all day. Sure, it was self-inflicted suffering, but I doubt even the nastiest virus could have made me feel worse.

I fell asleep after lunch and didn’t wake up again until there was a soft knock at the door. I said,

“Come in,” assuming it was my mother checking on me for the millionth time, and didn’t open my eyes until I realized that the hand pushing my hair back was much too big to be my mother’s. “How are you feeling?” Ryan asked softly when my eyes flew open. “Your mom said you’re sick.” I had too many questions to figure out which to ask first, so instead I just reacted on instinct and gasped at the awful bruise covering the right side of his face. “Your eye!” He gave me a lopsided grin. “Sexy, right?”

I couldn’t even laugh—it looked that awful. “It looks painful.”

“It’s not so bad.”

Ryan didn’t elaborate at all, and I didn’t know what else to say, so I started asking my questions.

“What are you doing here?”

“You weren’t at school. I was worried.”

After everything he’d been through today, he was worried about
me
? It was so sweet, and yet it made me feel that much worse. How could he still be giving me that carefree smile? He had to be hurting. I wanted to ask, but I didn’t want to be the first to bring it up. “Shouldn’t you be at practice right now?”

Ryan’s smile turned sheepish, and he pointed to the bruise on his face. “Driscoll and I got suspended for the rest of the week. That includes all school-related activities. Coach was so mad he burst a capillary in his eye.”

I couldn’t believe he was laughing. I didn’t think it was funny. “Why did you get suspended? Mike was the only one who punched anybody.”

“How do you know I didn’t beat his butt to the ground for it? You weren’t at school today.” Oops. “I was until your best friend punched you on account of me. After that I was pretty sure nobody wanted to see me there.”

“I did.”

“You don’t count.”

Instead of a pout, Ryan gave me another smirk. “I thought I was the only one who
did
count.” I sighed. “Ryan.” I was upset, and it took me a minute to steady my voice. “Mike was right. Not about you being a jerk, but you have been spending a lot of time with me lately. You’re losing your friends over me, and I can’t handle that. Maybe we should stop hanging out.” Ryan gave me a very no-nonsense look, but he wasn’t angry with me. “You’ll have to kill me first.”

Again, I didn’t think it was funny, but this time he wasn’t joking. “Nobody is losing anything.

Paige is just jealous, and Mike’s always looking for a fight. They’ll get over it as soon as they get to know you. Everything will be fine, you’ll see.”

“What do you mean, when they get to know me? Nobody’s getting to know me.”

“I thought that was the reason for all the practice, so you could have enough control to be safe around people. You’re doing so much better now that I just assumed you’d want to start meeting other people.”

“Wrong.”

“But why? I thought you wanted to have friends. Live a normal life.”

“If that means hanging out with Mike and Paige, then thanks but no thanks.”

“Jamie.” It was his turn to sigh. “You’ve got to get over yourself. You can’t just hate everyone all the time. You’re just scared, but there’s really nothing for you to be afraid of.”

“Easy for you to say. You’re Ryan Miller! You’re perfect! I’m a freak, remember?”

“I wish you would quit saying that.”

“Why deny what I am?”

“You’re not a freak, but I meant I wish you would stop calling me perfect. I’ve got plenty of issues.”

“Like?”

“Like my need to be perfect? I make people like me because I care so much what they think about me that I do whatever it takes. I put up with Paige even though she drives me crazy because I’d rather go nuts than have her not like me. I don’t even really like football all that much, but I play because I know it’s what my dad likes best about me, and even though he left, I still need his approval.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Ryan? Self-conscious? It couldn’t be.

“It’s sick the things I do just to make other people happy. I’ve always admired you, Jamie, since your first day of school here. I was standing next to Mike when he asked you out, and you laughed at him like he was crazy. I didn’t understand how anybody could do that, but you really didn’t care what he thought of you. You didn’t care what anybody thought. You have no idea how much I wish I could be more like you.”

I was stunned speechless. Literally. Without speech.

“You must be rubbing off on me,” Ryan teased after it was clear I wasn’t going to respond,

“because I’m not giving you up for anything, no matter how many people I make unhappy over it.” He smiled playfully, but the look faded quickly. “I really wish you’d make an attempt to get to know my friends. I know it’s hard to believe, but they really aren’t bad people.” He smiled at me and then quickly pressed his lips to my forehead before standing up from my bed.

“Think about it, please. Besides the fact that it would be good for you, they mean a lot to me, and I would love for you to know them.”

When he said that, all I could see was him and Becky in each other’s arms.
They
didn’t mean a lot to him,
she
meant a lot to him. Maybe she should.

Ryan had come over to see if I was feeling any better, but all his visit did was make me feel worse.

“Get some rest,” he said, concerned by the new look of despair suddenly prominent on my face. He waited for a moment before stepping out of my room, hoping I might tell him what I was thinking, but when I didn’t, he forced one last smile. “Don’t forget we said practice on Sunday. I’ll pick you up at ten.”

* * * * *

Thanks to Mike and his itchy punching fist, I hadn’t seen Ryan all week, and I was stuck with nothing but my thoughts to entertain me at school. Not good. All I could think about was his fight and how it was my fault.

And then, of course, there was Becky. She was still just as withdrawn as she’d been for weeks now, but she seemed more content to be that way. I knew the change could only be because of what happened with Ryan, and that got me thinking even more.

By the time Ryan showed up Sunday morning, just as he’d promised, I was completely out of it.

Seeing him should have cheered me up, not depressed me even more, especially when he demanded we work out together. You see, there’s Ryan Miller, and then there’s Ryan Miller working out. Shirtless, sweat glistening on his hard skin, slow focused breathing forcing his chest to expand just as his abdomen tightens around each individual muscle in it… It should have been enough to scorch my eyes and render me useless, but I didn’t even notice the perfection in front of me.

I didn’t realize just how somber I was until Ryan pulled me from my thoughts with a chuckle.

“You know,” he said, now merely using his bench press as a front-row seat to witness my workout. “I think you were right. Making you work out was a really bad idea.”

“Why?” I frowned at the truck I was bench-pressing. Ryan had spent the last three weeks trying to convince me that I needed to work on my super-strength. He said that for a superhero I was

“superwimpy.”

“Aside from the fact that the F-250 you’re pumping is making me feel extremely inadequate,” Ryan said, “I’m afraid that if you don’t stop doing that, you’re going to end up throwing it at me.”

“Why would I throw a truck at you?”

“Because you usually get really cranky when I try to kiss you, and if you don’t stop looking so downright sexy, I’m going to have to do just that.”

I took a slow breath, lowered the truck, and pushed it high above me again. As I did, I could feel my ponytail sticking to the back of my neck. I was sure I looked anything but sexy, and Ryan seemed to be able to read my thoughts. “I’ve never seen you break a sweat before,” he confessed. “It’s got my mind in the gutter big-time.”

The heat I felt in my neck now was from embarrassment instead of a raised heartbeat. I sneaked a quick glance at Ryan’s face and suddenly felt like the sports bra and workout shorts I had on were not nearly enough clothes. On the bright side, I forgot about sulking. “Quit objectifying me right now, or I
will
throw this truck at you! Go take a cold shower or something while I finish.”

“I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t you call it quits and come in the hot tub with me.”

“Oh yeah, that’s a brilliant idea. Why don’t you just take a soak with a blow dryer?” Ryan gave me an annoyed glare, but dropped the subject and gulped down a bottle of water before throwing himself down on the patio swing and closing his eyes.

I continued my workout in silence for a few minutes. It was so peaceful at Ryan’s cabin that I never minded when things got quiet between us, but as I listened to the nature around me I noticed a strange noise that didn’t seem to fit in with the sounds of the woods. “Do you hear that?” I asked before realizing what a dumb question that was. Of course he couldn’t hear it; I could barely hear it.

“Hear what?”

“A really quiet humming noise. I can’t exactly place it, but I’ve never heard it out here before.” I set the truck carefully back on the ground and listened again.

“It’s probably just a boat down on the lake,” Ryan offered.

It didn’t sound like a motor to me. It almost sounded electronic. But as soon as I’d put the truck down it stopped. “The lake is behind the house—this noise was coming from out there.” I pointed to the forest in front of the house and scanned the trees again, but I didn’t see anything.

Whatever it was, it was gone now, so I joined Ryan on the front porch with a heavy sigh. “Maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me. I tend to get a little paranoid when I’m doing things like lifting trucks out in the open.”

Ryan sat up, making room for me next to him on the swing. When I sat down he put his arm around me, and I didn’t fight him. We’d been practicing so much lately that I was less of a stickler about him touching me, and I knew I was okay at the moment.

“All right, then,” he said, obviously happy that I hadn’t shrugged him off, “why don’t we work on something a little more subtle if you’re worried? How about your hearing? I’ll start singing, and you go for a jog. Call me when you can’t hear me anymore. That’s not so obvious as bench-pressing my truck.” Ryan gave me a squeeze, and having his arm around me reminded me of the mood I’d been in all week. A flash of him wrapped up in Becky’s arms instantly made my heart drop into my stomach. “I don’t feel like practicing anymore today,” I said.

Ryan heard the disappointment in my tone. “All right. It’s lunch time anyway, and I’ve officially worked up an appetite.”

I could tell by his careful tone, that Ryan was resisting the urge to ask me what was wrong, but he’s good at that for only so long. I didn’t want to explain it to him, so I decided to try to distract him.

“You like New York–style pizza?”

Ryan instantly perked up. Mission accomplished. “I’m a guy. I love all forms of pizza.”

“Well, I happen to know where to find the best pizza in the country, so why don’t you point me in the direction of a bathroom, and once I’m cleaned up I’ll run get us lunch.”

“Aw, come on, Baker. I’m digging that post-workout look.”

“More like post-workout
stink
. Don’t forget I have a heightened sense of smell.” I laughed when Ryan wrinkled his nose. Obviously he hadn’t thought of it like that. “Gross.”

“I know, so make sure you shower up while I’m out getting the pizza.”

“Yes ma’am.” Ryan saluted and marched me inside to the bathroom.

Forty-five minutes later I returned to the cabin with a hot pie from Ricci’s. I plopped it down on the patio table, where Ryan had barely sat down to wait for me, and his eyes grew really big when I lifted the lid.

“I’m telling you, best pizza in the country.” I said.

“This looks amazing! Where did you get this from?”

“This little town in Illinois.”

“You mean that state clear on the East Coast?” Ryan asked incredulously.

“Well, technically it’s the Midwest. Did you sleep through geography too?”

“Whatever. I just meant that it’s not exactly around the corner.” Ryan stared at the slice of pizza in his hands for a moment as if it were magical, but when the smell reached his nose, he snapped out of it.

Once he was on his third or fourth piece, he finally slowed down enough to carry on a conversation politely. “I can’t believe you just went all the way to Illinois.”

“It is kind of surreal sometimes when I think about what I can do,” I admitted.

“I wish I had powers too. How much fun would it be if I could just go tromping around the country on a whim and still be back in time for dinner? I’d be at Miami Beach all the time. Or New York.” I knew what he meant, but I couldn’t stop his comment from ripping at my stomach. I would never wish for something so awful to be placed on anyone, especially not Ryan. But then, my powers hadn’t seemed like nearly as much of a burden since I’d told Ryan about them, and part of me agreed that it would be amazing to be able to drag Ryan off to my favorite spot with me.

“The Grand Canyon,” I whispered.

“What?”

I blushed as I remembered the first dream of mine Ryan ever starred in. “If I could take you anywhere with me, I’d take you to the Grand Canyon, not New York. Best sunsets on the planet.” Ryan considered this for a minute and then smiled. “We’ll plan a trip sometime. You’ll just have to go by plane like us mere mortals.”

“Like you mortals?” I groaned. “Oh please! Shut up and eat that last piece.” Ryan laughed but did as he was told, and was quiet as he polished off the last of the pizza. When he was finished he finally broke the silence. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“But you have to promise not to freak out.”

That made me a little nervous, but my curiosity got the better of me. “Okay,” I agreed slowly.

“I was just wondering…”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I was just thinking about how you got your powers.” I felt butterflies in my stomach as I remembered the accident. “And?” Ryan gulped nervously, but he looked determined to spit out whatever was on his mind. “I was just wondering why…Derek”—he stumbled over the name—“didn’t end up like you.” I couldn’t hide my shock, and Ryan’s face paled when he realized he might have upset me. “I don’t mean to pry,” he said shyly. “It’s just that, well, if it was the waste from the truck combined with the electricity that gave you your powers, then shouldn’t Derek have gotten them too, instead of…you know…”

I felt like I was going to be sick. It was a logical enough question. Obvious even, if you really thought about it, but I still never expected Ryan to make that connection. It was part of a secret I’d sworn to take with me to the grave. But I had to answer him somehow. I watched Ryan’s face carefully as I spoke, unsure of what I was searching for exactly but terrified all the same. “Derek wasn’t in the car when the truck hit me. He wasn’t sprayed with the chemicals, just electrocuted.” Ryan was quiet for a minute, and I wondered if he could see me trembling. “What was he doing if he wasn’t in the car with you? Where was he?”

“We were coming back from this place we liked to go to sometimes. An old bridge over a big irrigation canal hidden in the middle of a cornfield. It’s a nice quiet place for stargazing. I beat him back to the car, and right after I got in, that’s when the truck appeared.” This answer seemed to suffice for the time being, and when he hesitated I became desperate to change the subject. There were still questions he could ask. Questions that I knew he would ask if he had time to think about them. Questions that I knew I wasn’t prepared to give answers to. Not even to Ryan.

“Can I ask
you
a question?” I asked quickly when he started to open his mouth, another question dripping from his lips.

He choked on his words, surprised by my request, and then nodded. “Sure, anything.”

“What’s the story with you and Becky? Why haven’t you guys ever gone out?” That one floored him. And rightfully so. It was way more out of the blue than the one he’d asked me. I hadn’t been planning to pry into this subject, but I was curious, and my question accomplished its purpose. Ryan forgot all about my accident and my dead boyfriend.

“Um…” he stuttered, still a little startled. “Well, actually we did for a while. Kind of. If sixth grade counts.” The smile that subconsciously spread across his face was tragically beautiful. “She was my first kiss.”

“Oh.”

“You’re not worried about Becky, are you?” Ryan asked, looking up at me with an anxious expression. I guess my disappointment was poorly disguised. Of course I had no reason to be jealous, no right to be, but I was. “There’s nothing like that going on between us anymore. There hasn’t been for years and years. I promise you, Jamie, you have nothing to worry about.” Ryan’s promise tore my heart into pieces. Why was he declaring his faithfulness to me when we weren’t even in a relationship? When we could never be in a relationship? Ryan deserved so much more than to waste himself on an impossible crush, and I couldn’t take advantage of him like that.

I’d asked the question casually, but this conversation seemed anything but casual all of a sudden.

“That’s exactly what has me worried though, Ryan—the fact that there’s nothing going on. Becky is so pretty, and aside from how she feels about me, she seems really nice. You obviously care a great deal for her. She could be the perfect girlfriend for you. That’s something that I could never be. You deserve the things she could give you, all the things I can’t.”

I was horrified when my eyes betrayed me and filled with tears. I batted them away quickly, but the damage had been done. Ryan was already on his feet and scooping me out of my chair, into his arms.

“But she can’t be you,” he insisted. “Don’t you understand that you’re the one I want? You. Not Becky or Paige or any other girl that may or may not be able to make out with me. Just
you
.” Ryan was doing his very best to win me over, and I was so close to giving in. Too close. I couldn’t remember why I was supposed to resist him anymore. I just knew that I should. I began to chant
No!

No! No!
over and over in my head until I gained some of my strength back. “No,” I finally managed to say out loud, only it came out as a faint whisper. “You shouldn’t want me, Ryan.” I pulled myself out of Ryan’s grip and started to run. I don’t know why I didn’t take off at superspeed. Still feeling the fuzzy effects of his “just me” speech, maybe. I only got as far as the front steps. Ryan grabbed me by the wrist, whirled me around, and pulled me down onto the porch swing we’d been sitting on earlier. “Oh no you don’t. You are not running away from me this time.”

“Ryan, please!”

“No!” He clamped his arms around me and held me down beside him on the swing. Not in a scary aggressive way, just so that I couldn’t get away without going super-Jamie on him. “If you don’t want to be with me because you’re not ready for another relationship or you don’t like me that way, then that’s fine. I can respect that. I could even deal with the excuse that you’re just too scared. That’s a lame excuse, but it’s one I could live with. What I can’t live with is you playing the martyr because you don’t think you’re good enough for me, understand?”

I took that as a rhetorical question, but I stopped straining against his grip. He felt me relax and narrowed his eyes at me as he let me go. I slumped back in my seat and didn’t fight him when he slid his arm around me and tucked me securely into his side. He let out what sounded like a sigh of relief and then rested his head on top of mine.

I wondered what he was thinking about as we sat there, but I didn’t ask. I had a feeling I was better off not knowing this time, because he buried his nose in my hair and inhaled really deeply before planting a kiss on the side of my head. Then the arm he had around my shoulder dropped down my back and slid around my waist in order to pull me even tighter to him.