Being There (20 page)

My parents left a couple of days after my first treatment and I thought I’d get time to myself, but I was wrong. If it’s not Drew at my place, it’s Nev or it’s Nev
and
Drew, checking up on me and inevitably staying the night. They think I can’t see what they’re doing, but it’s obvious they think I can’t be alone. I need alone time; I need to cry. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but the more they’re around the more irritable I get and there’s a chance I will blow up at any moment. It’s not that I am angry all the time, but when it does flare, it would be nice to go with it. But I guess I’ll have to wait for the opportunity to be alone and that's when I will lose it. I’m not ashamed of it because I’ve started to find the tears to be cathartic. I know if they see me falling apart, their concern will grow and then the hovering will only get worse.

My doctor has me receiving six chemo treatments three weeks apart, so my next one will be tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to it at all.
But who would be excited about it?
Based on the experience I had with the first round, I’m in for a long day, and since Drew will be with me
again
, I brought a bag with some things to keep him busy. There’s a strong likelihood I’ll sleep for some of it again and I’d hate for him to get bored.

The upside, a few days after my first treatment, I started to feel much more like myself. My energy wasn’t completely there, but I was able to do things like get my work done. My boss has been fabulous, letting me work from home as much as I want. Since I love what I do, I’ve had no problem keeping up with my workload, but I have turned down requests to help Janet with hers. Saying
“no” was quite liberating. She tried to talk to Mr. Marx about how busy she’d been with my being gone, that is until he told her that I was taking some time to work at home
and
still meeting all of my deadlines. She was pretty quiet after that. I work when I have the energy, and when I don’t I take a break and start fresh later. So far, this has worked out well for me and hopefully after this treatment, I’ll be able to say the same thing.

Nope.

This round was much harder than the last time, but I’m not sure why. The procedure was the same; I even had the same nurse, who I liked. Almost everything was the same, but I seem to be having a reaction quicker, which is only making my mood more hostile. Waiting for Drew to pull his truck around is excruciatingly horrible because it’s so damn hot. It’s fucking killing me. I’m hot and sweaty, and I’m not sure if it’s the meds or the temperature, all I do know i
s that I’m about to have a fit, and it won’t be pretty. Maybe it has nothing to do with the weather and everything to do with the fact that when he takes me home, Drew will stay at my place and check on me throughout the night. But I’d like to give the
appearance
that I can take care of myself; no one will give me the chance though.

Everyday
. Everyday I have someone with me, and everyday, I resent him or her a little more. If I weren’t sick, they wouldn’t be doing this. It would be nice to throw a damn fit in peace. I wouldn't wish what I’m going through on anyone, but I have so much bitterness in me right now and I know it is not good, but hell, I have no outlet, so it just festers. I refuse to show anyone this ugly side of me because I don't want to seem ungracious. But I figure I have the right to be angry and I just don’t take them down with me.

Drew brings his truck around and jumps out to get the door for me. “Here, let me get that for you.”

“I’m not an invalid, I can get my own door,” I snap unnecessarily.

“I know, but if I want to get the damn door, then let me get the damn door,” he snaps back. I love when he argues with me; I think he knows it’s my lame attempt to get out my aggression. Since he'll be staying with me tonight, there will be no throwing shit around or screaming and crying, which means I’ll have to wait until he leaves. So arguing with Drew will have to suffice for the time being.

He climbs into the truck and pulls out of the circular driveway. “Is there anything you need before we get back to your place?”

“No, I’m fine. I’m starting to get tired.”

“Okay, well you sleep and I’ll wake you when we get to your place.” He reaches to the backseat and hands me a jacket. “You were cold when we left last time, so I brought it just in case.” He turns the radio on to my music and I drift to sleep.

“Cass,” I hear him call my name, “Pia, we’re here. Wake up.”

I try opening my eyes, but I'm too exhausted. He walks over to my door and tries to help me out, but sees my struggle. “I’m going to carry you in, so don’t flip out on me. Okay?”

“Okay.” This is the only word I can manage. I want nothing more than to walk myself in, but I’m just too tired. He carries me into the condo and takes me straight to my bedroom. He places me into my bed and covers me with a blanket before sitting next to me. My eyes are still closed, but I can feel him watching me. I try to sit up, but he lays a hand on my shoulder willing me to stay still and rest.

“You get some rest and I’ll be in the living room if you need me. I’m going to call your parents and let them know you’re finished. I promised I would let them know how you were doing.” I just nod my head and roll over. When he leaves the room I drift to sleep comfortably listening to the whirring of my ceiling fan.

Hearing a phone chime, I wake with a jolt, trying to figure out where I am. With no idea how long I've been asleep, I focus my eyes on the clock by my bed and see that it's three thirty. I sit up and let my mind adjust before I get out of bed, but my attempts to
actually
get out are thwarted. I dangle my feet off the side of my bed and push myself up to go to the door. Frustrated, I finally get to my feet and head for my door but stop short of walking out when I hear Drew’s end of a phone call.

“I told you, I can’t leave right now
.”

Why can’t he leave?

“I’m being a friend, what’s wrong with that?”

Yep, he’s being a great
friend
.

“I can’t leave her when she’s like this. She needs me.”

Whoever he is talking to wants to meet him somewhere, and he won’t go because of me? I don't want him putting his life on hold to care of me. I warned him that I wouldn't go for that deal because he has to keep some semblance of a life.

“She could wake up anytime now so, I need to go. I’ll text you later if I can make it. Talk to you later.”

I know now that I need to make my “nurse” leave because he has a life he needs to get back to. I just have to convince him that I'll be okay on my own. If I don’t push him, he'll never leave. I turn to go to my bathroom and wash my face and put on a small amount of I makeup, just so I don't look so tired. Fixing myself up after the last treatment made me feel and look somewhat better, and if I'm going to pull this off, it has to be believable. Once I’m sure I look good enough, I walk out with confidence and see a surprised look on his face. Clearly it works because I look somewhat put together.

“Hey! How are you feeling?” His head snaps to face me when I enter, before looking around the room.
Why is he acting like that?

“I’m good, how long was I sleeping?”

He looks at his watch, “About two hours.” He gets up to help me to the couch, “You want something to drink?”

I push lightly off of him before walking to the kitchen, “I’m fine, and I can get it myself.” The stab of hurt in his face is unmistakable, but that’s okay. It’ll just make it that much easier for him to leave.

“Everything okay?” he asks, as though he thinks I might attack him.

I plaster my most convincing smile on my face, and try to make my voice upbeat. “I’m fine. Just had chemo and I’m tired, but otherwise, I’m good.”
Well, that just came out bitchy.

He looks completely confused and I’m about to make it worse. “I just got off the phone with my mom and I asked her to come out and stay for a few days. It sounds like you have plans that you are putting off and I don’t want to keep you.” There is a distinct bitter tone in my voice that I try to mask, but hard as I try, it’s there. It’
s not fair for him to continue taking care of me when he has a business to run, and a life to live. And even though I didn’t call my mom, he won’t know that because he'll be gone by the time she is “supposed” to be here.

He studies my face but appears convinced by my statement. He just nods nonchalantly, “Alright then, when she gets here, I’ll leave.”

“You don’t have to stay to take care of me,” I object, hoping I can push him out the door. “I’ll be fine, you have things to tend to and I can call Nev if I need anything.”

He just blows off my comments, “No, it would be nice to see Annette, haven’t seen her since she was here last.” I know he likes my parents, but come on, he has to talk to them too often as it is. I seriously doubt he wants to visit in person.

“Why won’t you just leave?” The exasperation is evident.

“Why won’t you admit your lying?”

I take a sharp breath in and try to contain any shock that may show on my face before I defend myself trying to diffuse the situation, “What are you talking about? I’m not lying.”

“Tell me then, how is your mom coming here when she and you dad leave tomorrow for Vegas?”

Crap
. I’m speechless.

“What? Nothing to say?” He looks at me waiting for a response, knowing that I have completely bull-shitted everything I have said up to this point. “So why don’t you be honest with me? Why are you trying to get rid of me?”

“Fine,” I huff out loud. “She’s not coming out. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to stay here with me. You have a life, Drew; go live it. Have fun. Date.”

“If I wanted to go out, I would. If I wanted to go out on a date, I’d ask. I’m where I want to be. Why can’t you just accept that?”

“But the phone call, a minute ago...”

“What about it?”

“Clearly you have plans, don’t let me stop you,” I bite out with anger. “I don’t need a babysitter. I don’t need someone with me 24…” I am about to continue my argument when my first bout of nausea from chemo hits. I run to my bedroom and slam the door behind me as I barrel toward the toilet. I hear the door open behind me and immediately yell at him. “Leave me alone Drew! Go away!”

“I’m. Not. Going. Anywhere.” He says with finality as he walks in and kneels down next to me. He takes my hair out of my hands and ties my hair into a ponytail, just as he did last time. He begins rubbing my back in a soothing motion as I start heaving again.

“Please,” I beg, as I start to cry in defeat, “I need you to go. Just go.” 

“I’m not here because I have to be, or because you want me here. I’m here because I want to. Stop fighting me. Please.”

“I would feel better if you maintained some form of normalcy. One of us should be able to have that. Why don’t you call that girl, Eve
, and go out with her?”

“Once your nausea has passed and you can rest comfortably, I’ll do something. Until then, I’m not leaving you. Got it?”

“Okay, just promise me, you will go out and do something fun.”

“If that’s what you want, I’ll go out when you’re feeling better. But the only person I’m going out with is you.”

“No.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because…”
why is he arguing with me?
“Because you need to get away from me. All you do is work and take care of me. Please just do this for me.”

He looks so dejected and I can't understand why. When he asked to be with me while I go through all of this, I made up my mind to make sure that it stayed friendly. I’m happy to have my friend back
, but I don’t want him to put his life on hold.
Especially for me
.

“You are so stubborn and your fucking martyr act is pissing me off right now. If you’ll remember, I had to beg you to let me be here with you. I
wanted
to be here
.
But if this is what you
need
, you want to continue wallowing in your own misery, then fine, I’ll see you later.” He shoves off the floor and walks to the counter to retrieve his keys. He doesn’t even look back at me when he opens it; he just talks over his shoulder. “I’ll let Nev know that you’ll call her if you need her.” With that, he shuts the door and I feel the wind rush out of my lungs as I fall to the floor and cry.

He left.

He walked out. I guess if you push someone long and hard enough, you’ll find the point where they finally leave.

My phone is next to my bed charging and I hear the annoying ringtone that tells me Nevaeh is calling me. I finally stopped throwing up, but I don’t want to talk to her
, or anyone else, for that matter. But I know that if I don’t answer, she’ll storm my place like I’m hiding a criminal.

“Hello?” I answer, drained from vomiting and crying.

“What the hell happened?” She snaps, “Drew called Luke’s phone looking for me and said that you kicked him out after some insane rant that I didn’t get the details on. What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing, I’m fine,” I say exasperated. “I’m tired, I’m just gonna climb into bed and sleep this shit off.”

“I’m coming over,” she states and before I can object, she hangs up her phone. Of course thirty minutes later she blazes through the front door using the key I had given her for emergencies.
This
is not an emergency. She announces her presence shouting my name in the darkness, flipping on the light in the process.

I really need to get that damn thing back from her.

“Nevaeh, I just want to be alone,” I shout, knowing she won’t be leaving.

She storms into my room where I am laying on my bed and pulls the covers back before smacking my ass and yelling at me. “I’m sick! Let me sleep.”

“What the hell is wrong with you, dumbass?”

I jump up at look at her like she’s lost her damn mind, “I’m sorry, what?”

“Why did you kick him out?” She demands to know as she walks into my living room, expecting me to follow her, no doubt.

“I already told you, I need time alone. He’s always here, and if it’s not him, it’s you, or my parents are calling, I just need a break.”

“Oh, you poor thing. You have people who care about you,” she mockingly coos. “Stop your bitching! It’s unbecoming, pathetic actually. So why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?”

“Nothing,” I huff, throwing myself onto my couch and crossing my arms over my chest, taking on the demeanor of an insolent child.

“Well, since you’re not going to admit anything, how ‘bout I tell you what I think is going on, and you can let me know if I’m right. Or just pretend I’m clueless, whatever you want.” She doesn’t wait for me to respond, “I think that you enjoy having Drew around, and that pisses you off. I think your feelings for him never went completely away, scratch that, I
know
they never went away, and you’re afraid to allow yourself to feel them. And I think that you’re pushing him away because you don’t want to hurt if you lose him again. Am I anywhere near the vicinity?”

“I hate you,” I reply tersely.

“You love me,” she quips, stepping into my comfort zone and pushing me. “Now answer me. Am. I. Right?”

I had
finally gotten the waterworks under control, and now Nev is making me admit to things I’m not ready to face. “I don’t know what I feel!”

“Bullshit! Now tell me.”

“Fine, yes, to all of it. Are you happy? Having him here has been pretty great. I do want my space, but I like that he’s been here with me. But I’ve caught myself fantasizing that something could come from this and it can’t.”

“Why not? Because you’re scared?”

“Yes and no. Earlier, he thought I was asleep I heard him talking to someone. He’s stuck taking care of me out of some misplaced obligation and we’re not even together. There’s someone who wants to be with him and he said no because he’s taking care of his ‘friend.’ So I gave him an out.”

“You are stupid, you know that? He was talking to Luke you ass! Luke was trying to get him to go out for a while so that I could come and hang out with you and do a junk food and movie thing.
Just us
. Drew told him he didn’t want to leave you. Have you not noticed that that man loves you?” She scoffs and shakes her head, “For whatever reason, you keep trying to save him from you. Get over your shit and do something already. I’m so sick and tired of this ‘poor me’ crap.”

“He was talking to Luke?” I repeat what she just said in a hush to myself.

“Of everything I just said to you,
that’s
what you walk away with?”

I shake my head to clear my thoughts, “I heard you. But he said it, he said ‘friend,’ and it hurt like hell. I know what I feel for him, what I’ve always felt, but he’s got the friend hat on.”

She raises her well-arched eyebrow and gives me a knowing look, “Maybe that’s because you insisted to him that you need ‘friends,’ right now.”

My eyes get wide when I recall the conversation I had with Drew when I told him about the cancer. I did say those words to him and he willingly agreed, so I just assumed that he wanted the same thing. Nev sits next to me and wraps her arm around my shoulder as I let it all sink in. “How ‘bout that movie?” she asks out of nowhere, as though our conversation never happened. Yet another reason I love my best friend, she makes her point and shuts up while I mull it all over. I don’t even know what movie she’s put in as the opening credits start because I’m still trying to see how much of what she said is true.

We both jump when the front door flies open to see Drew barging in with a crazy look in his eyes and I’m not sure whether to be amused or scared. Luke follows behind him and closes the door to watch whatever is about to go down. Drew doesn’t say a word. He just rushes over to sit on the coffee table in front of me to stare into my eyes searching for something. I feel uncomfortable under his gaze and try to look away when he speaks up.

“What do you want from me?”
he asks abruptly.

I look
at him confused by his question, unsure of how to even answer him. “What?” I stammer. “What the hell are you talking about?” I question, looking from him to Nev. She just nods her head, pushing me to answer.

“I mean, Do. You. Love. Me?”

“You’re one of my best friends, of course I love you.”

He shakes his head, knowing that I understand what he’s asking, but I need time. “
No
. Do you love me? Not your friend. Me?”

I have never been eloquent with words, but I can usually formulate a sentence, but at this question, my vocabulary has flown out the window. All I can do is look down and whisper, “Yes.”

“Yes?” He sounds surprised by my response.

“Yes, I love you. But…”

“No, no ‘buts,’ you love me.” He leans forward and reaches for my hands and lifts my chin so my eyes meet his, “I love you Cass. I have for years. I’m here with you now because I want to be. I know you’re scared about this shit you’re going through, I’m scared too. But I don’t want to waste whatever time it is we have apart. You are the love of my life. I need you to know that.”

I reach my hand out and cup his cheek before responding. “I love you so much,” I feel my eyes sting with unshed tears. “I don’t want you to see me like this. What if I don’t make it? I don’t want this to be how you remember me.”

“And what if you do get through it? You want to do this without me by your side?”

“Of course not.”’

“Then let’s focus on the ‘you getting through it’ scenario okay?”

“Okay.”

I look over to see Nev with tears in her eyes as she smiles at me. She wraps an arm around my back giving me encouragement. I scoot to the edge of the seat cushion with ease and wrap my arms around his neck and whisper into his ear, “I have, and will always, love you.”

He unwraps my hands from his neck and I’m disappointed with the separation. He continues to hold them, prompting me to face him, “You
have
to let me go through this with you. I
need
this. Okay?” I exhale and nod in agreement. I can’t say another word because he leans forward and joins his lips to mine and kisses me without regard to our friends who are witnessing this moment.

Luke clears his throat and we separate for a moment still staring at each other. Nev gets to her feet and reaches to touch our hands that are still entwined and gives them a tender squeeze. After a quick kiss to my head, she walks over to Luke, “Call me tomorrow?” I never take my eyes off his when I nod. The door closes behind them and I hear the distinct sound of the bolt being locked from the outside.
I love Nevaeh.

We sit there a few moments and I finally break the silence when I remove my hands from his and push myself up to stand. Drew looks concerned until I tell him, “I’m tired.” I start to walk away and look back at him, “Take me to bed?” He wastes no time in getting to my side.

Every time he’s stayed with me, he’s slept on the couch or in the guest bedroom without complaint. And every time, I have wished he was on this side of the door with me. Tonight, we walk together to my room and I’m happy. He closes the bedroom door behind us as I walk to sit at the edge of my bed. Drew sits next to me and pulls me to his lap and I willingly go to him.

“I love you. So. Much.” He says in a hushed voice. He moves his hand to my neck and brings my lips to his. I have missed this so much and didn’t realize it. “Are you feeling okay?” he asks, and I love that he’s concerned about me. Instead of answering him, I kiss him again and catch him off guard when I deepen the kiss running my hands over his shoulders to snake around his neck.

I can tell he’s holding back out of concern for my strength. He stops kissing me and leans his forehead to mine, trying to catch his breath. “Please don’t,” I plead with him. “I’m not going to break. Just kiss me.” For only a second does he debate before crashing his mouth to mine because he needs this as much as I do.

It feels like the night in college all over again, realizing we are on the same page. I feel like an insane hormonal teenager again, but I don’t care, because he’s all I need and I know that for as long as there is breath in this body of mine, I always will. I kiss him for everything we have been and for everything we might be and when we separate this time, I’m grinning because I know that he’s mine.

“I love you, too,” I reveal, staring straight into his eyes.