Believe: (Intermix) (True Believers) (18 page)

Shaking my head, I sat down on the floor and crossed my legs, not bothering to wipe my face. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered except I had severed an artery in my best friend and she hated me and would forever.

“Remember that party at the Shit Shack where Riley threw that guy’s face into the booze can?” I said, voice shaky.

Jessica frowned. “Yeah. You were hanging with that Aaron guy.”

“He ditched me. And we were super drunk, remember? You were upset, and we drank a crapload of vodka.” I fingered my bracelet, spinning it around and around. “I was really, really drunk.”

“So was I. I fell out of my shoes and puked after yelling at Riley for not wanting to have sex with me. Because you know, nothing is hotter than a drunk girl falling all over the place.” She rolled her eyes. “Did Aaron do something? He seemed like a nice guy, but you never know. I mean, if he did something and then Nathan was helping you . . .”

The words were stuck in my throat. But I forced them out. “No. He just went off with some other chick after I made out with him and then, I guess, Nathan took me home. The last thing I remember is going to the keg for another drink. And then I woke up the next day in Nathan’s bed. Everything else is just . . . nothingness.”

“I knew something happened at that party.” Jessica shook her head slowly. “God, I should have stayed. I knew I should have stayed. And the next day you didn’t answer my text until like dinnertime and it just seemed like something was wrong. Then you basically withdrew all summer.”

Miserable, I nodded. “I completely blacked out, but we obviously did . . . and I just feel so awful. I mean, why would I do that? Who the hell does that to her friend? I
hate
myself for that night. That’s why I quit drinking. I don’t trust myself, because I didn’t think that even shitfaced I would do that.”

Jessica bit her lip. “I don’t know why you would do that either. I mean, we’ve all done stupid shit drunk, but I’ve never blacked out, so I don’t know. I don’t know what I could do that loaded.”

“It was the worst moment of my life waking up and realizing what I had done.” I shuddered.

“So this is why you wanted to move out. Why you stopped drinking and stopped washing your hair. God.” Jessica’s voice was soft, and I couldn’t tell if she felt sympathy or if she was just absolutely disgusted by me.

“Yes.”

“So what was all that with the texts?” she asked. “I mean, you woke up and freaked out and took off, right?”

I nodded.

“And you told Nathan it was a mistake?”

“Yes.” My eyes were puffy and stinging, cheek throbbing from Kylie’s nails, and I welcomed the discomfort. I deserved way worse than a nail raking. “But Nathan doesn’t feel bad about it. He texted me all summer, trying to hook up with me. I told him to stop like multiple times. I thought he had for a while until I started dating Phoenix. For some reason that bothers him and he started again.”

“So what Kylie read was a bunch of sexts from Nathan?”

Nodding, I picked my phone off the floor and handed it to her. Maybe if she knew the whole truth she could be there for Kylie in a way I couldn’t. “Look. I didn’t encourage him in any way. I just wanted him, it, to go away.”

Jessica scrolled through, twin spots of red appearing on her cheeks. “That asshole. Jesus, poor Kylie . . . God, how could he do this?”

I knew what she seeing. There were two dozen texts saying things like, “Want to see you, taste you. Mmm.” “Had so much fun. Ur a little freak and I love that.” “Bored and horny. U busy?”

My responses were pretty clear. “Not interested. Stop texting.” “It was a mistake, not happening again.”

“What did he write tonight?”

“She texted him that she was thinking about that night and he wrote, and I quote, “Best blow job of my life. Name time & place and lets make it happen again.”

I actually gagged. For a second I thought I might throw up, just right there on the living room floor, all in my own lap. But I took a few huge gulps of air and fought back the nausea and the panic. “He’s an asshole. Kylie deserves better than this.”

“Hell yeah she does. I wonder if he is texting and hooking up with other girls.”

It wasn’t a thought I’d ever had before, but it didn’t seem like a stretch that he probably was. It seemed to come far too easily for him, with absolutely zero guilt. “I don’t know. I hope not, for her sake. And maybe I should go get STD testing.” That thought hadn’t occurred to me before either. I had just figured I was a drunk mistake that he discovered he enjoyed, not that Nathan was a serial cheater.

“I think that’s a good idea.”

I lost it again, choking on a sob. “If I could take this back, I would. God, I would give anything to undo this. Poor Kylie.”

Jessica looked grim. “Well, now she knows that he’s a dick. She was going to find out sooner or later, whether it was you or someone else.”

“Well, I wish it was someone else if it had to happen at all. Knowing it was me makes it extra awful.”

“I’m texting Rory. We need to make sure Kylie doesn’t do something stupid.” Jessica went for her phone. “Shit, she already texted me. She’s going to find Nathan to confront him. Rory is with her but she wants backup.”

“I can’t go, can I?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“No. That’s not a good idea. Does Phoenix know? You need to give him a heads-up or you might be losing a boyfriend tonight.”

Again I couldn’t tell if she was sympathetic or if she was just thinking out loud. Sniffling, I nodded. “Phoenix knows. I told him what happened.”

Jess looked surprised. “You told him? But you didn’t tell me?” Her tone was hurt. “I asked you point-blank what happened at that party and you told me nothing. This was a whole lot more than nothing.”

“How could I tell you?” I asked, agonized. “Then I would have just put you in the worst position ever. If you kept the secret and Kylie found out, then she might hate you for that. If you told her then she would be devastated. I couldn’t do that to you, force you to keep my secret. It was my horrible mistake and I thought if I just kept a lid on it, eventually it wouldn’t matter anymore.”

“I see your point, but truthfully, Robin, I don’t even know what to think.” Jessica grabbed her purse and headed for the stairs. “Maybe you and Phoenix should stay here tonight and I’ll take Kylie to my place. She needs time.”

“Yeah. Sure. Of course.”

Then she left and I was alone.

Sitting on the floor, face itchy and wet with tears, nose running, throat scratchy, heart breaking, I yanked off my cowboy boots. I thought about texting Phoenix to come over but knew that was selfish. He never got to hang out with his cousins and he was tonight. I didn’t want to ruin that. But the room was so silent, no fridge upstairs to hum, no windows open to traffic, no clock to tick. It was just me and my thoughts, going around and around, thoughts of Kylie never speaking to me again. Thoughts of Jessica and Rory never speaking to me again. Thoughts of Kylie, her heart breaking, the pain she was feeling. So sure that her boyfriend loved her, only to find out he clearly didn’t.

When my boyfriend had cheated on me, it had hurt like hell and that had been high school, that had been a two-month relationship, and by cheat I meant he kissed another girl at a party. Not this. Not betrayal on this level after a year of dating. Kylie and Nathan basically lived together.

And yet, he had done this.

And I had done that.

My eyes fell on the vodka bottle, left on the coffee table. I turned away, texting Jessica and Rory.

Neither answered.

Instead I got a text from Nathan that said, “Fucking cunt. Why did u tell her?”

Closing my eyes, I felt new tears prick at the back of my lids, and I listened to the silence grow louder and louder, my ears ringing.

When I opened my eyes the vodka was still there, shiny and large and within reach of my hand.

If I drank it, I would feel better. The pain, the shame, would ease up. But then tomorrow I would feel worse.

But if I drank it, I would feel better now. And tomorrow I would feel even worse.

But if I drank it, I would feel better now . . .

I reached for the bottle.

Chapter Fifteen

Phoenix

“Why do they call it Girls’ Night?” Nathan asked. “Why does it have to have a title? We don’t call it Guys’ Night when we hang out.”

Truth was, I didn’t give a shit what anyone called any of it. All I knew was that I had been planning on hanging out with my cousins while Robin was with her roommates. I hadn’t bargained on spending a night in the company of Nathan, who I couldn’t fucking stand. I was glad that Robin was feeling comfortable hanging out with her friends, and I had encouraged her to have fun, go dancing or whatever.

But I think it was safe to say she was having a hell of a lot more fun than I was.

We were at Zeke’s, a neighborhood bar, and Tyler and Riley knew the owner/bartender. I didn’t mind being in a bar. There was a pool table and a jukebox and a TV, plus the point was to talk to each other, right? At least as much as dudes do.

What I did mind was Nathan, aka Dickhead, running his mouth the entire time. He was a bragger, and he flirted with every woman who walked in the door, most of who were well past the point of cougar status. They were like . . . I don’t know . . . meerkats? Though maybe the label shouldn’t apply at all, since they weren’t the ones in pursuit, Nathan was, making a point of waving and smiling to every woman on every stool as he strolled to the pool table with Tyler.

“I don’t know how long I can hang with this,” I told Riley.

“What, being in a bar?”

“Douche lord over there,” I said, jerking my thumb toward Nathan. “I know he’s one of Tyler’s best friends, but he rubs me the wrong way.”

“He’s not my favorite either. I think they’re friends still because they’ve been friends since middle school. Nathan has gotten a bit big for his britches since he went to college. At least Tyler stopped letting that loser Grant troll around. I couldn’t stand that waste of space.”

“Grant?” I had a vague memory of a skinny kid who wouldn’t look anyone in the eye. “Is he the one who slashed the teacher’s tires and got arrested with the knife still in his hand?”

“That’s the one.”

“Tyler needs better friends.” I sipped my root beer from the bottle.

“Yeah, well, slim pickings in the neighborhood.”

“True that.” It wasn’t like I’d kept in touch with anyone from school. “The guys at the shop are cool. Normal.”

Riley laughed and threw back his whiskey. “What the hell is that?”

“I think maybe for the first time ever you and I are basically living it,” I said. “No drama. Feels awesome, doesn’t it?” Nothing but work and Robin and family . . . peace and quiet. We’d been together a month and going stronger than ever. Good stuff.

“It sure does.” Riley gave me a grin. “Got some good news today, too. At Jessica’s insistence, and okay, as a result of Jessica doing all the paperwork, the bank let me refinance at a lower interest rate. They rolled the back-owed money into a new loan, but the payments are still the same. With me, Jess, and Tyler all working, we can afford it, so we get to keep the house.”

“Wow, that’s awesome. Seriously.” I was impressed with how Riley had managed to create a life for himself and his brothers. I reached out and gave him a fist bump.

“God knows it’s not exactly where I want to live, but there is no way we could have that space for as little money if we rent anywhere else. And I don’t have to switch Easton’s school or upset his life anymore than it already has been. And in ten years, I’ll own that dump clear and free.” He raised his glass and grinned. “It makes a man proud.”

“It should. You done good, man.”

I was about to say more, but suddenly there was a loud crash. We whirled around and saw Nathan throwing a pole stick across the bar, a look of fury on his face. Both Riley and I jumped up as we saw Tyler holding his hand out and murmuring to Nathan.

“What’s going on?” Riley asked. “It’s just a game, man.”

“This isn’t over pool,” Nathan said through gritted teeth. “Kylie just broke up with me.”

“What?”

I hung back, on edge, arms crossed.

“In a five-second phone conversation.” He raked his hands through his hair, pacing back and forth before rounding and pointing a finger at me. “It’s that bitch Robin’s fault!”

Oh, hell no. He was not going to fucking go there with me. I dropped my arms and took a step toward him. “Excuse me?” I asked, my voice steely cold.

Zeke appeared between us and gave Riley an apologetic look. “Dude, you need to take him out,” he said, tilting his head toward Nathan. “You know you’re always welcome, but he broke the pool stick and that ain’t cool.”

“Sure, no problem, I understand.” Riley gave Tyler a long look. “Get him out of here. Phoenix and I will stay.”

“He’s not going anywhere until he apologizes for calling my girlfriend a bitch,” I said, knowing that I should just let it drop. But I couldn’t. If Kylie had broken up with Nathan, and Nathan was accusing Robin of being to blame, then that meant Kylie knew what had gone down. Which meant being the slimeball that he was, Nathan was trying to throw Robin under the bus. Fuck that.

Thinking about Robin, how much she had suffered, how devastated she would be right now, made me really upset. Pissed.

“Dude, don’t,” Riley said. “Come on, just leave it alone.”

Tyler had Nathan by the arm and was trying to wrest him toward the door, but Nathan was fighting him. “I’m not apologizing!” he yelled at me. “That selfish little bitch did it on purpose! She fucking set me up and now Kylie knows about me and Robin.”

“Shut up,” Tyler said, pushing him harder. “This isn’t cool.”

I moved closer to Nathan, even when Riley darted and tried to block me. “What is he talking about?” he asked.

“Say it, Nathan,” I said, egging him on, and knowing full well I was egging him on. But the fury was coursing through me like an electrical surge, and I wanted just one more insult so I could put my fist into his sneering dickhead face. Did he have any idea how much Robin had agonized over what had happened? How worried she was about hurting her friend? Obviously not. He was just concerned with saving his own sorry ass. “Go on, blame a girl for you being a tool. Let me hear your pussy explanation for why you can’t take responsibility for your own actions.”

“Hey, Robin was there when I fucked her. I kept it a secret. She could have kept her mouth shut.” Nathan sneered. “But maybe she’s so used to having a cock in it, she doesn’t know how.”

And that was my fist in his face.

There was no conscious thought. Just a reaction, a lightning-quick move, my head a haze of burning hot anger, adrenaline lending me enough power to drop him to the floor with one hit. Nathan went down hard, and the sound was satisfying, but not nearly enough to clear the cloud of anger distorting my thoughts. I kicked him on the foot. “Get up!”

Riley tried to grab my arm, but I shook him off. He and Tyler were both speaking but I didn’t hear what they were saying. My entire focus was on the piece of shit scrambling to his feet, wiping at his mouth, which was bleeding. The sight of that red smear excited me, made me pleased. I wanted more of it. I wanted his face distorted and swollen, eyes shut, a bloody pulp. He thought he was so fucking sexy, wait until I was done with him. Wait until he understood what happened when someone called my girlfriend a whore.

He was moving too slow for me, so I punched him again without waiting for him to fully stand. He grunted and fell backward with the impact, right into the door. Zeke opened it, and Nathan spilled out onto the sidewalk. Bouncing on the balls of my feet, I followed.

“I’m calling the cops,” Zeke said, shaking his bald head at us.

I didn’t care. I didn’t give two shits. By the time they got there Nathan would look like raw ground beef.

But Riley came at me from the side with a football move, plowing me down the sidewalk about three feet like I was a tackle dummy and screaming, “Knock it off! You don’t want to do this, man.”

“Let me go! Yes, I do!” I scrambled, going down low to dart out of his reach. “Don’t make me hit you, Riley.”

“You want to go back to jail? You’ll get three years this time!”

I knew that logically, but anger was propelling me. Wild, uncontrollable anger, but by the time I escaped Riley’s grip, Tyler had dragged Nathan to his feet and was shoving him in the back of his car on the street. Riley pulled the back of my shirt. I swatted at him.

“Fucking stop it!” I yelled. “Fine. I’ll let him go.” I knew where he lived. Taking a deep breath, I paced back and forth on the sidewalk. “Shit. Shit. Shit.”

“Walk, asshole,” Riley shoved me in the direction of home. “I don’t think Zeke actually called the cops, but just in case.”

I raked my hands through my hair. “Did you hear what he said about her?” I asked, my voice hoarse and raw. God. The pain I knew she must be feeling, it was my pain. I pulled out my phone and tried to call her, but there was no answer. It went right to voice mail, so her phone was probably turned off.

“That was pretty shitty,” Riley admitted. “I am not saying I blame you. If someone had said that about Jess I would have lost it.”

“Can you try calling Jessica?” I asked. “Robin isn’t answering. If Kylie knows she and Nathan hooked up, then she must be furious with Robin, too. I’m worried about her.”

“You knew, didn’t you?”

Nodding, I walked faster. “Yeah. She told me a few weeks ago. She was drunk, blacked out, woke up with Nathan back at the beginning of the summer. It’s why she quit drinking. It’s been eating her alive, the guilt over Kylie.”

“Damn.” Riley shook his head. “What a fucking mess.” He put his phone to his ear. “Hey, babe, what’s going on there? Shit hit the fan here.”

Trying Robin again, I cursed. Of course it was still turned off.

“So where are you girls? Uh-huh. And Robin? What time was that? Okay. Yeah, I love you, I’ll call you back. Bye.”

Riley looked at me. “Rory and Kylie and Jess are all at my place. They left Robin back at the apartment.”

“But then why isn’t she answering?”

“I don’t know. She’s probably upset. She’s probably taking a shower or something.”

It didn’t make sense. Robin would reach out to me when she was upset, I was sure of it. So what was she doing, alone? The thought terrified me.

“I need a car.”

We were cutting down his street, and I suddenly realized as we came up to the house that Nathan’s car was in front of the house.

“No. No, Phoenix, don’t.” Riley already knew where my thoughts were going. “That’s grand theft auto.”

“Then I’ll borrow your car,” I said, bending over and picking up a good size rock off the tree lawn. I smashed it into Nathan’s window with a beautiful crash, sending glass shattering all over me and the grass.

“Ah, fuck, seriously?”

“Look away if you don’t want to be a part of it,” I told him as I leaned in through busted glass and popped the trunk.

Going around the back of the car I lifted the trunk and found what I was looking for—a tire iron. Then I took it to Nathan’s car, feeling the pulse and vibration up through my arms as the metal and fiberglass clashed together with each ferocious blow. Steadily making my way around the car, I hit it over and over, sweating and furious, the jarring contact rattling my teeth, the crunch of glass beneath my shoes feverishly satisfying. Vaguely in the background I was aware of the front door to the house opening and voices, but it didn’t matter. I saw my reflection in the passenger window, but I pictured Nathan’s sneer as I hit so hard the iron left my grip and went sailing straight through to the backseat.

Panting, I turned and walked away, spitting on the ground by the back tire, trying to rid my mouth of the foul taste that coated my tongue, the back of my throat.

There was a whole crowd staring at me in shock. Jessica, Rory, Kylie, Jayden, Easton. Riley was shaking his head.

“That’s what I think of a guy who cheats on his girlfriend,” I said to my audience. “That’s what I think of a guy who has sex with a girl who is so drunk she doesn’t even know where she is or who she’s with.”

Wiping the sweat off my forehead, I walked past them to the house, my new tattoo burning and itching as the healing skin pulled. “I need your keys!” I yelled to Riley over my shoulder.

But then I stopped and turned around. I locked eyes with Kylie. “I’m sorry.” Not for the car, but for the hurt she was feeling.

She just stared at me in shock, face swollen from crying. After a second, she nodded, and I thought she understood.

***

Rory drove me to Robin’s. She had said she needed to pack a bag for herself and Kylie and that she personally wanted to check on Robin. She also told me quite clearly that she didn’t think that I was in a frame of mind conducive to driving. And that was exactly how she said it. Conducive.

No, I was not feeling conducive to driving, whatever the hell that meant.

I felt calmer but not totally rational.

I was too damn worried about Robin.

“Riley said no one in the neighborhood will call the cops because it’s not their car. They won’t get involved. So don’t worry about that,” she said.

“I wasn’t.”

Rory looked insanely small driving Riley’s ancient Mustang, her auburn hair back in a ponytail, her dress something that in my mind was more suitable for a little kid at Easter or your grandmother’s couch, but I could see what Tyler saw in her. She was very matter-of-fact and not one for any sort of drama. I’d never once heard her raise her voice.

Robin didn’t shout either. She saved her passion for her art and for our bed.

Knowing it was pointless, I called Robin again. No answer.

“How is Kylie?” I asked.

“She is in shock. I mean, it was a double blow. Well, actually I suppose you could say a triple blow. Not only was it her friend and her boyfriend, but Nathan obviously did not regret it considering how many texts he sent after the fact, and their content.”

I cleared my throat, my jaw clenched, knuckles sore where I had hit him. “I don’t want to hear about the content. Sorry.”

Something about my voice had her glancing over at me nervously. “Sorry, that was thoughtless.”

“Have you heard from Tyler?”

“He has Nathan at the house. He is being belligerent. He wants to come over and talk to Kylie, but Tyler told him she doesn’t want to see him.”