Belonging (39 page)

“You’re going to get through this,”
Yosh said. “I’ll help you. So will the rest of your friends and
family.”

I looked around. It was really dark,
and a cold breeze was blowing off the bay. “You need to come back
to me, Alexzander,” I said to the night. “I know you had your
reasons for leaving, but you were wrong. You and I belong together.
Whatever challenges life throws at us, we’re meant to face them
together.”

Yosh and Jessie convinced me to get
back in the truck after a while. I’d wanted to stay, even though it
was pointless, just because this was the last place I knew he’d
been. I probably would have slept right there on the lawn if it
wasn’t for my friends, if for no other reason than to feel closer
to him.

I felt like crying as Yosh drove me
back to Nana’s house. I didn’t do it, though. I needed to be strong
and keep it together. Zan needed me, whether he knew it or not, and
I wasn’t going to let him down.

Chapter
Twenty-One

I rattled around Nana’s house for the
next few days, not really eating or sleeping because I was too
worried about Zan. There had been no news, no photos popping up on
the internet, nothing. “He doesn’t want to be found, Johnnie,”
Dante told me after Zan had been gone seventy-two hours. “I know
you don’t want to hear this, but maybe you need to accept the fact
that he broke up with you, and maybe you need to figure out how to
go on from here.”

“You don’t understand,” I told my
brother. “Zan needs me. He made a mistake by leaving. I have to
figure out how to find him so I can talk to him and fix this.”
Dante frowned, but instead of saying anything else, he just
squeezed my shoulder. I figured he probably thought I was being
pathetic, but when I looked in his eyes I saw only
sympathy.

Chance checked in that
evening with his usual message:
Still no
news from Tahoe
. It had occurred to me
that Zan might try to go back to the cabin, since he’d seemed happy
there. During his weeks as our assistant, Chance had made friends
with a woman who worked in a local diner, and he’d called her at
work and asked her to go by the cabin and see if it was occupied.
She said she was happy to help and went by twice a day. The result
was always the same, though. The cabin was empty.

I touched base with Chet Stanton once
a day as well. He’d gotten a single voicemail from Zan the night he
took off. The lawyer had been instructed to put the house in my
name and to set up a bank account for me, both of which he’d done.
With Shea’s help, we learned the call had come from a cellphone
that Zan had borrowed from the cab driver. Stanton was concerned by
his client’s disappearance, since he’d heard nothing more from him
after that initial call.

My other daily call was to Zan’s
physician. I kept expecting Zan to contact him so he could get his
prescription. The fact that he hadn’t bothered to do that was
upsetting, because it meant he wasn’t trying to take care of
himself.

Most surprising was the fact that Zan
hadn’t been in touch with his son. He had to know Christian was
concerned about him. That worried me more than anything. Christian
and Shea were getting married in a month, and I’d been certain at
first that Zan would come back for that. But the more time passed,
the less sure of that I became.

It seemed as if Zan hadn’t just left
me, he’d left everything and everyone. He was out there somewhere,
more alone than ever. My heart ached when I imagined what he must
be going through. As much as I was hurting, it had to be infinitely
worse for him. At least I had the support of my family and friends.
He had nothing.

*****

Six days after Zan took
off, I was still sleeping erratically and often napping during the
day, which meant I was up most nights. I’d been pacing around my
room at three a.m., trying to come up with new ideas for tracking
him down.
He doesn’t want to be found,
Johnnie
. I kept thinking about what my
brother had said. He wasn’t wrong. But I just didn’t have it in me
to accept that and move on. I loved Zan way too much for
that.

My bedroom started to feel
claustrophobic after a while, so I slid my feet into a pair of
sneakers and pulled an old hoodie on over my t-shirt and pajama
bottoms. When I opened my bedroom door and stepped through it, I
almost fell over Tom Selleck. The puppy sat up, thumping his tail
on the floor, and I crouched down and scratched his ears. “Hey
there, Tommy,” I whispered. “Thanks for keeping watch, but you
should go to bed now.” He hoisted himself to his big feet and
licked my face, then headed down the hall to Nana’s room. The dog
pushed the door open with his nose and went inside, as if he’d
completely understood me.

The house was still, but a light was
on under Nico’s door when I went past. He was undoubtedly up late
studying, as was often the case. I didn’t want to interrupt him, so
I kept going and headed downstairs.

When I cut through the dimly lit
kitchen, I noticed Nana had baked a coffee cake for the next
morning and left it to cool on the counter. She did so much for
this family, tirelessly providing for all of us, and this was just
one more example. I really needed to think of some way to thank
her.

I went through the sun porch and out
the back door, then sat on the steps leading down to the yard and
took a deep breath. The night was clear, a full moon illuminating
Cockhenge and the rest of the garden. I felt a little better out
there, less agitated.

After a while, I pushed myself to my
feet and wandered through the garden, eventually ending up at the
treehouse. A dim light was on inside. My nephews had been over
earlier in the day and must have left something on.

I climbed the ladder and let myself
in, then closed the door behind me. When I looked up, my breath
caught. “Alexzander.” I whispered his name and felt like I was
dreaming.

Zan looked nothing like himself. His
hair was loosely tied back in a low ponytail and he sported a short
beard. He was dressed in work boots, worn-out jeans, a flannel
shirt over a t-shirt, and an old brown coat. There was a baseball
cap in his hands, and he fidgeted with the brim.

He crossed the small space without a
word, stopping just a couple feet away from me, and searched my
face, his eyes full of emotion. I reached out tentatively and
touched a strand of hair that had escaped the elastic band. “I
missed you so much,” I whispered.

Zan fell to his knees, dropping the
cap and embracing me around my waist. “I don’t know what I’m
doing,” he blurted. “I have absolutely no idea. I thought I was
doing the right thing when I left, but then why does it hurt so
bloody much?”

I stroked his hair as he rested his
head against my stomach and said, “It’s alright.”

“It’s not. I hurt you by leaving.
That’s most definitely not alright and I’m so fucking sorry. It
seemed like the only solution at the time, after witnessing all the
chaos I’d brought to you and your loved ones. But I need you,
Gianni. I need you so fucking much. I know that’s incredibly
selfish, because being with me means you can never have a normal
life, and all I have to offer you in exchange is a broken man. But
I’m begging you, please take me back. Please, Gianni, forgive
me.”

I dropped to my knees and clutched him
to me. “You don’t need to ask for forgiveness. You didn’t do
anything wrong.”

“I did. I hurt you when I left, and
hurting you is the last thing I ever wanted to do.”

“You thought you were doing the right
thing, and I understand why you did it. You just made one mistake,
and that was telling me what I needed instead of asking me. If
you’d asked, I would have told you I don’t care about any of that
stuff, the paparazzi, the spotlight, the fact that I won’t have
what you call a normal life. I need you, Alexzander, as much as you
need me, if not more. I love you so fucking much. Don’t you see? A
life without you isn’t worth living.”

“Oh God, Gianni,” he murmured before
kissing me. It was wild and passionate and ravenous, and every part
of me responded. In the next moment we were tearing each other’s
clothes off. I kissed him again, pushing my tongue into his mouth,
and he grabbed my ass, pulling me against him.

When I was naked, I bent down and
sucked his hard cock quickly, wetting it in place of lube, then got
on my back on the floor and parted my legs for him. Zan pushed into
me and began fucking me hard and fast. I moaned and put my ankles
on his shoulders so he could drive into me even deeper, rocking my
body up to meet each thrust. Our pace was frantic. He leaned down
and kissed me as he took me, and I moaned against his lips. After a
few minutes of this, he took hold of my cock and brought me to
orgasm with a few quick strokes. As I cried out and arched up off
the floor, Zan came in me. He gritted his teeth, fighting back a
yell, and pumped into me.

He slowed gradually, finally leaning
down and kissing me tenderly as he eased himself from my body. “I
love you so much, Gianni.” His tone was hushed, and he gathered me
in his arms carefully.

“I love you too, Alexzander. More than
anything.”

He slid a pillow under my head and I
pulled a blanket over us. We remained like that for a long time,
with him on top of me, bearing the weight on his knees and elbows.
“I’m still so sorry,” he whispered, his head on my
shoulder.

“It’s in the past now,” I told him.
“You’re back and we’re together. That’s all that
matters.”

“My sweet, beautiful Gianni,” he
murmured, running his palm over my chest. “I missed you so much. I
can’t even begin to tell you.”

“Where did you go?” I stroked his
thick hair, all of which had escaped from the ponytail.

“I tried to find Jeff
Franco.”

“Your agent?”

Zan nodded. “He was also my friend
once, and had helped me through some really hard times. I thought
if I went and apologized to him, we could be friends again and he’d
help me through this, too.” Zan’s voice was so quiet when he said,
“Last I heard, he’d been living on a boat down in the yacht harbor.
I hopped the fence to the marina and was trying to remember which
slip he was in when the maintenance man caught me. I was
trespassing and could have gone to jail for it but he recognized
me, said he was a big fan of my music. I asked about Jeff, and
that’s when he told me my friend had died of a heart attack last
year. I had no idea.”

“I’m so sorry.”

Zan said, “I broke down crying right
there on the dock. It was the last straw. I was already devastated
by walking away from you and deeply shaken because of what had
happened at your party, and that news on top of it all was just too
much. Lawrence was so kind to me. That’s the maintenance man. He
took me to the little cottage where he lives, right there beside
the marina, and made me a cup of tea. Then he told me how he’d
taken his wife to a concert of mine on one of their first dates. He
got really wistful when he talked about it. He told me she’d passed
away at thirty-one from an aneurism. No warning at all. That was
twenty years ago. He’d never remarried, never even dated in all
that time. I asked him if he got lonely, and he said, ‘I would, but
I have my work, my cat, and your music, and that’s all I need to
keep me company.’ I thought he was joking about the latter, until
he showed me the stack of cassettes beside his old radio. Eighty
percent of them were mine. He had a few of Bowie’s, too. I
certainly didn’t fault him for that.” He grinned a
little.

“Is that where you were this whole
time?”

Zan nodded. “I helped out where I
could to repay him for his kindness. I also left over nine thousand
dollars and a thank you note hidden in his coffee mug for him when
I took off earlier this evening. I hope he uses some of it to buy a
new radio. The old one’s held together with duct tape and isn’t
going to last much longer.”

“You had that much money with
you?”

“Yeah. I’d grabbed it out of my cash
box in the archive before we headed to the party, with the
intention of reimbursing Dante for the money he’d sent along to
Tahoe for us. I completely forgot about it though, once we were
there. I’m absentminded about that sort of thing.”

“I went to Crissy Field the night you
took off. You were so close, but I had no idea.”

“You did?”

I nodded. “Shea helped me track the
cab you took, but the trail went cold there. That reminds me. I
need to text your son, he’s been worried about you.”

“He’s asleep now, we can call him in
the morning.”

“Why’d you cut yourself off from
everyone, even Christian? I kept checking with Chet Stanton and
with your doctor, but you’d pulled a total vanishing
act.”

“I just needed a few days to get
myself together. I had every intention of getting in touch with
Christian once I was no longer a sodding basket case. But I figured
until then, he had enough on his plate without loading on my
problems, too.”

“So, for almost a week, you worked
around the marina and no one recognized you?”

Zan nodded. “Here’s the thing about
obscenely wealthy old money types like the ones that keep their
yachts in that harbor. They don’t really notice people that they
deem beneath them. With those old clothes I was wearing and my
overall scruffiness, I was basically invisible as far as they were
concerned.”