Belonging (38 page)

***

"Jenna." A gentle voice prodded her back to
the present. "I understand what you're going through, but I have to
ask this. How are the Garrisons going to feel about this? Have you
talked to them yet?"

"No." She shook her head quickly, stilling
the sudden pitter-patter of her heart that the words evoked. "I
know we all agreed to make a clean break," she said quietly,
looking straight at her mother. "But I think Megan will come around
fairly quickly."

"And Ward?"

Jenna frowned. She took a sip of her coffee,
grimacing at the cold, bitter taste. Carrying the cup to the sink,
she emptied the contents, pondering the question while she poured
a fresh cup. She had sympathized with Megan even before they had
chosen her for a surrogate, but it had come as a surprise to find
how much she really liked her when they had finally met
face-to-face. Ward, on the other hand, was a different story. He
was sweet, warm and tender with his wife, and though he was
gracious enough the few times the three of them had been together,
he wasn't nearly as easy to read as Megan, who was much more vocal.
In fact, one of the last times she had seen him had left her
feeling rather shaken.

She'd been in her sixth month of pregnancy
at the time. Ward was in Houston on business, and Megan had come
along with him. She'd met with them briefly at their hotel, and
Megan was absolutely delighted at feeling the baby's vigorous
movements inside her.

"Come and feel this!" she'd beckoned to
Ward. Wasting no time, she snatched one large hand in hers and
guided it to Jenna's protruding tummy. "He's doing somersaults in
there!"

Jenna had laughed a little self-consciously,
but at the sight of that dark hand lying so intimately on her
belly, she'd felt an odd tightening in her chest. It really brought
home the fact that it was this man's child she was nurturing inside
her, but before she had time to analyze the feeling, the baby
moved. Ward's hazel eyes flitted to hers in surprise before an
oddly shuttered expression came over them, and then he abruptly
snatched away his hand. The incident had hurt for some unknown
reason, and she was left feeling just a little bit wary.

She turned to face her mother. "I'm not sure
how Ward will feel," she admitted. "I didn't do it for him, you
know. I did it for Megan." She mulled a moment longer. "But I think
if Megan agrees, he will, too."

Marie nodded, then smiled. "I already know
what your father will say."

Jenna resumed her place at the table and
shook her head fondly. "He'll boom and bluster the way he did when
I told him what I was up to in the first place, and then he'll say
in that gruff way he has—" she drew her brows together over her
nose and stuck out her lower lip wrathfully "'—you'll do what you
want, anyway!"'

They both ended up laughing at a time when
they very much needed the release. "You obviously see through him
just as I do." Marie laughed one last time, then looked at her
daughter. "How long do you plan on staying?"

Jenna's smile drooped a little, but she kept
it firmly in place. Surely Megan and Ward couldn't deny her if she
was practically camped on their doorstep. She refused to think
beyond that.

"As long as it takes, Mom," she responded
with false lightness. "As long as it takes."

"Then that leaves just one person to contend
with, doesn't it?"

Her mother's voice was so quiet Jenna almost
suspected she knew. Her fingers tensed in her lap. She took a deep
breath. "It's his problem if he doesn't understand, Mom. Because
I'm going to do it, anyway."

Marie darted her a surprised look. "That
doesn't sound like you, Jenna. Surely you and Neil aren't having
problems already? Heavens, you're not even married yet!"

Jenna could tell the laugh she gave was
forced. Suddenly her thoughts darted back to the time when she was
a lanky thirteen-year-old and had just discovered that their
neighbor, Darren Phillips—the boy who threw stones at her and
boasted he was the better baseball player simply by virtue of his
sex—wasn't such a disgusting creature, after all. A ghost of a
smile tipped her lips. Intent on proving him wrong, she'd spent
many an evening with her father pitching a ball to her and giving
her tips on her stance and swing. She'd broken the kitchen window
twice with some very nifty line drives. And then the day came when
Darren had given her her first kiss and she'd decided it was time
to shelve her ball and bat. She had breezed in from outside,
dropped herself at the kitchen table and promptly asked her mother
how a woman knew when she was in love.

She'd never forgotten her mother's reply:
"If you ever have to ask yourself if you're in love," she'd said
with a secretive smile, "then you're probably not."

Suddenly Jenna couldn't help but recall the
moment last night when she hadn't been able to tell Neil she loved
him.

Marie reached out a hand to cover Jenna's.
"You're not having second thoughts, are you, dear?"

Her reply was a long time in coming. "Neil
is everything a woman could possibly want in a man. He's mature,
nice-looking, attentive, and he has a very good job. Yes, he was a
prize catch, according to her friends in E.R.

"That doesn't tell me much, Jenna. You say
Neil is everything a woman could want in a man, but is he
everything you want? You know I like Neil," Marie said slowly, "and
I'll be more than happy to have him as a son-in-law, but we're
talking about your happiness. And what you just said sounds
strangely like an excuse." Her mother gave her a long, thoughtful
look. "None of us needs excuses for loving, Jenna. Do you?"

Jenna looked down to where her hands rested
in a white-knuckled grip in her lap. This time she didn't
answer—though not because she didn't want to. She couldn't.

All of a sudden she didn't know.

***

Things didn't fare well at all with Neil
that night. The changing expressions on his face would have been
rather comical if the situation hadn't been quite so serious.
Jenna could almost see the wheels turning in his head. At first he
looked totally blank when she mentioned the term "surrogate
mother." An extremely brief look of amazement came next, followed
by disbelief and then what she really hadn't expected to see--a
cold-faced fury. In fact, if the truth were known, she had been
much more worried about Megan's and Ward's reaction than
Neil's.

"Damn it, Jenna! How could you do something
so harebrained, so foolhardy, so thoughtless?" Neil slammed his
fist down on an end table and glared at her. "You, of all
people!"

"Why, thank you. I'll take that as a
compliment!" Her voice dripped icicles as she watched him pace
around her living room. "It wasn't thoughtless, Neil," she
countered harshly. "I knew exactly what I was getting into."

"And did you think about how you might feel
five or ten years down the road? Did you ever think about how
you're feeling now!"

When he threw her another furious glance,
Jenna dug in her heels and prepared to do battle. Good Lord! Did he
think she had gone into the arrangement blindly? Even if she had,
the Garrisons' attorney, Ron Brewster, would have enlightened her
in no time flat! Over and over he had stressed that they wanted
someone who fully understood what she was getting into. And she had
spent months and months preparing herself not to feel the way she
did right now.

So what had happened?

She brushed aside the disturbing voice as
quickly as she did Neil's accusations. "Of course I did," she told
him tautly. "I didn't let myself think of it as my baby—it was
their baby. All I did was give Robbie a temporary home."

"Robbie? The baby was a boy?"

Her chin held high against his accusing
voice, she nodded.

"How old, Jenna? How old is he?"

"He's three years old," she said
quietly.

Neil dropped into a chair. He sat there, his
hands propped on his knees, his forehead supported by his
fingertips. When he finally looked across at her, his eyes had lost
some of their fierce glitter, but his voice was bitter and
flat.

"Damn it, Jenna, I can't believe it! A
stranger! You had a stranger's baby!"

"They weren't strangers, Neil. Not from the
minute I saw them, and especially not after I met them."

"And that's supposed to make a difference?"
Anger hardened his features. "You got all cute and cozy with the
husband and that makes it all right?"

Jenna could hardly believe his outburst. "I
didn't sleep with him," she said sharply. "Artificial insemination
is about as cold and sterile as you can get! You're an attorney.
You should know how it works!"

"I know all I care to know, and believe me,
you just took the words right out of my mouth. 'Cold and sterile'
is exactly the way I see this whole thing! How much did they pay
you?" he demanded.

"Very little!" she shot back hotly. "I was
off work for less than six weeks and I accepted only what I lost
out on salary. And the fee didn't even play a part in why I did it!
Just the other night you were spouting off about wanting a home and
a family, but you 're the one who's cold and unfeeling! Is it so
hard to understand that someone else has that very same need?"

His eyes remained locked with hers
endlessly. Then finally he shoved an agitated hand through his
hair. "All right, you've made your point. But we're getting married
in less than six weeks, and besides, I can think of a dozen reasons
right off the top of my head— moral, ethical and legal—-why this
shouldn't be a proving ground for childless couples."

"I'm not saying it's the answer for
everyone." Her tone was quiet as her anger began to abate. "But it
was right for them, and it was right for me, and I'm not sorry I
did it." She hesitated. "Only I have to see Robbie again."

His eyes locked with hers, probing,
questioning— and still angry.

"I'm not sure I can explain exactly why,"
she said with a feeling of helplessness. "I only know that it's
something I have to do." She swallowed uneasily before forcing
herself to go on. "And then—then you and I can go on with our lives
together."

The harsh, grating breath he drew was the
only sound in the room. "I think you're asking for trouble, Jenna.
I'm not even sure I should let you do this—"

She shook her head quickly. "You can't stop
me, Neil." Her voice was very quiet, yet there was an unmistakable
ring of finality to it. "No one can." She paused. "Please, try to
understand—"

"I don't understand," he cut in abruptly.
"And even if I could, I think you picked one hell of a time to go
running off! In case you've forgotten, we're getting married six
weeks from Saturday!" He whirled around and headed for the front
door. "If it's not too much trouble—" he threw the clipped words
over his shoulder "—give me a call when you get back."

With that, he walked out on her for the
second time that week. Silently Jenna made her way over to a chair
and sank into the cushions. It was, she realized shakily, perhaps
a good thing that she was leaving for a few days.

It would give her some time to think about
Neil--something she realized she desperately needed to do.

The drive north filled one of the longest
days of Jenna's life. Anxious to arrive in Plains City, she'd felt
the long hours stretch out endlessly, particularly the last
half-hour after Waco. Her muscles were cramped and aching from the
hours spent in the driver's seat, and her frame of mind nosedived
even farther when a fan belt broke just outside of Abilene and
there was a two-hour wait trying to find a service station willing
to repair it. And the matter wasn't improved any when her little
Toyota became testier yet and she had a flat tire a mere half-hour
after she'd finally gotten started again. Tired and frustrated, she
finally arrived well after ten o'clock. She pulled into the first
motel she saw and crawled into bed, exhausted.

She shielded her eyes against the bright
glare of the sun when she stepped out of her motel room the next
morning, looking up and down the main thoroughfare of the sleepy
little town. There was a market, a hardware store, a feed supply
store, a barber shop and a cafe.

It was in the direction of the caf6 that
Jenna guided her footsteps. She had awakened ravenous, since she'd
been too tired the previous night even to bother searching for a
place to eat. Stepping inside, she glanced around the
matchbox-sized interior. There was room for perhaps half a dozen
people at the small counter, and three well-worn booths lined the
wall. The fragrant smells wafting from the kitchen sent hunger
pangs growling anew in Jenna's stomach.

She sat down on one of the stools near the
counter, waiting her turn while a threesome in one of the booths
was being served. She looked up when the waitress, dressed in a
crisp blue uniform and jaunty cap, approached her.

"Hi." Fresh-faced and open, the woman
flashed a wide smile. "What can I get you?"

Jenna smiled back and eyed the hand-lettered
menu before making a quick choice. "How about coffee and a cinnamon
roll to start with?"

"Comin' right up."

Her eyes widened when the waitress placed a
Texas-sized roll in front of her and a cup of fresh hot coffee.
Pulling the warm, fragrant roll apart with her fingers, she
savored the spicy taste of the cinnamon and gooey icing, resisting
the impulse to lick her fingers.

"More coffee?" The waitress returned a few
minutes later with the carafe in her hand. Jenna placed her hand
over her cup and shook her head quickly. "How about another
roll?"

"No, thanks." Jenna smiled and indicated her
stomach. "It was delicious, but I couldn't take even one more
bite."