Bender (35 page)

Camden didn’t follow me that night. He left me alone to wallow in my thoughts and resolve what a jumbled mess my head had become. I never even let him respond to my news breaking revelation. I hadn’t a clue if the feelings were even mutual, but I doubted it. It was like over the last few weeks I’d compartmentalized the feelings I’d established for Camden and tucked them away because I felt that he wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t ready for it. Then the issue with Bree? I would have been understanding, I really would have. There was no reason for him to hide it from me. But obviously he didn’t feel that we were close enough that he could share something like that. That was the part the stung the most.

This morning at school I’d run into Dodger, and he apologized profusely for not telling me about Bree, but because he’d just found out himself I forgave him. I asked him some questions about her, which he gladly answered. I think he feared any negative repercussions from Macie. He confirmed that she has always taken to Camden more than the other three brothers, but mostly because he was the protective one, and he figured Camden made her feel safe. Apparently when you tell him something, that secret was on lockdown and he wouldn’t say a word. Yeah… no kidding! When I asked about the pregnancy, he didn’t seem to know much more than I did, except that she apparently had a one night stand with a bartender in the town that she lived and now she didn’t know what to do. I could understand why she’d be waffling about it. Not knowing if this guy was going to stick around when you hadn’t planned on a long term relationship with him, and then the sheer fact that her own mother had considered aborting her; she has quite a bit on her plate right now. I liked Breslin and the little bit that I knew of her now. And it turned out that she was thoroughly amused with my ass kicking of Camden’s car and had approved of me right then and there. She said if I dealt with Camden’s shit like that every time, I’d survive in this family. It made me smile for the first time in twenty-four hours.

I had just gotten home from work and plopped down on the couch. I thought I’d order a pizza and pop in a movie until Camden got home then we could talk. My phone was sitting next to me when it went off.
MOM
appeared on the screen.

“Hello?”

“Keegan! Oh God Keegan, I can’t find her.”

“Can’t find who, slow down Mom. Where’s Sarah?” My heart started beating in my chest.

She sounded frantic. “Sarah. She’s not here. I picked her up from school, and I thought she went upstairs to her room, but when I called her down for dinner she didn’t answer. Oh my God I can’t find her anywhere!”

I abruptly stood up and looked around my living room
. Okay, okay… don’t panic.
Where did I put my goddamn keys? “Have you checked outside?”

“Yes!”

“Did you look across the street at the park? Sometimes she likes to hide under the slide.”

“Yes, yes…Keegan oh God she was mad at me.”

I found my keys on the counter by my purse, and I took off for my car. “Did you two get into a fight?”

“I told her I was going to have your uncle pick her up from school tomorrow, because I had to work late, and she got upset. She told me that I’m never home anymore, so I said that she was being overdramatic.” Her voice quivered.

“Mom! You aren’t ever home! She misses you. She was trying to talk to you about it, and you blew her off.” I was fuming mad and terrified that something bad had happened to my little sister.

“Don’t yell at me, you’re not helping.”

“Shut up Mom, just shut up! I’m on my way. I swear if something has happened to her, I’m never going to forgive you!” I hung up not wanting to hear anything else she had to say. I called Macie on my way and told her what was happening. She tried to calm me down, but I was too worked up. She said she would meet me at the house and make some phone calls to places around town to ask if they’d seen her, then she’d let Dodger know. I needed Camden. All I wanted was for him to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay and that we’d find her. I was going to call him but I was pulling up to my mom’s house and I didn’t because I wanted to go in and search for Sarah.

When I got through the front door, my mom was sitting on the couch, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees and tears running down her face. She was on the phone with someone, but she told them she had to go when I walked in.

“Tell me everywhere you’ve looked,” I demanded.

She set her phone down beside her, and she started listing off every place she’d already been. The longer she spoke, the more infuriated I got with her. It was like she kept running her mouth, and we were wasting time that we could have been out searching.

“What are we going to do? I called the police, and they said that they are sending out some officers in the neighborhood to look, but what if we don’t find her?”

I held my hand up. I was done. My blood boiled over, and I had nothing else but unadulterated hate for my mom right now. “What are we going to do if we don’t find her? That’s not going to happen. She’s going to be found and when she is, you are going to be getting yourself some help. There will be no more going out, no more partying, no more random guys, no more drinking, you will stay at home with your
eight-year-old child
, and you
will
be the responsible parent that you are supposed to be. I’m sick of picking up your slack Mom. I don’t care if you have to go to counseling, or quit your job to be at home with her.” I had ticked off each point on my fingers. “Enough is enough!”

“Do you really think scolding me right now is going to solve anything?”

I bent over at the waist and got in her face. “You
LOST
Sarah! Get off your fucking high horse and give me a little humility for once.” I heard the front door open and Macie came into the living room. “I’m going out to look for her. Stay here until you hear from me or the police.” Her mouth opened and closed like a fish. I swear if she said anything else to me I would be too tempted to slap her.

Macie looked at me sympathetically, and we walked to the front door. “Come on, we can go over to the school and see if she’s hanging out over there.”

“Do you think we should split up and cover more ground?” My chin quivered and tears pooled in my eyes. Fear was crashing into me in waves.

“No, I don’t think you can drive right now. Just get in my car and we’ll find her. I’m sure she’s fine,” she said comfortingly.

In the car Macie was trying to reassure me that Sarah was just being a typical eight-year-old, and that kids ran away from home all the time. They might, but most only did it out of defiance. Sarah likely took off because she was sick of being ignored. Nothing could placate my guilt.

“I told Dodger what was going on, and he said he would check the roads between your house and the apartment.”

“Okay.” I kept my eyes on the sidewalks and yards that we drove past, praying to whatever higher being I could think of that she was unharmed. It was dusk and darkness was creeping in with every passing minute. I felt like I was on the verge of hysterics. We’d been out searching
for over an hour when I told Macie to stop by the apartment so I could see if Camden was out searching and to check if Sarah was in the area.

When we pulled up I told Macie I’d be right out. I took the stairs two at a time. Yanking the front door open, I was immediately greeted by a teary-eyed Sarah, and Camden sitting in front of her talking to her. My legs went weak, and I nearly passed out from relief. She looked over at me and shot up from the couch. She ran to me, and I dropped to my knees in time for her to crash into me sobbing. I bawled. My only thought was that she was safe, as I was breathing her in. I squeezed her tightly in my arms, and I stroked my hands down her wild curls. Camden had gotten up and looked down on us as he leaned against the breakfast bar.

“Where have you been? Do you have any idea how scared I was? How scared Mom was?”

“Mom doesn’t care.”

I pulled her back, grasping her upper arms. “Yes she does, Sarah. I know she may not show it like she should, but she does care. We’ve both been worried sick about you. Why would you just leave like that? You know you can’t go anywhere without an adult with you. How did you even get over here?”

She lifted her shoulders. “I rode my bike.”

“You what!?” I screeched.

“I had my helmet on, I was being safe.”

“No Sarah, you weren’t safe. At no time is it ever okay for you to leave the house without someone with you and go anywhere, let alone ride your bike several miles away. I don’t care if you had on a helmet or not.”

“I’m sorry.” My tone was getting her upset all over again, but I didn’t care. I wanted her to be upset, I wanted her to feel even just an ounce of the fear I’d been feeling for the last two hours.

Breathing in deeply I tried to calm my frazzled nerves. “Listen, we don’t have to talk about it right now, but when we get home, Mom, you, and me are all going to sit down and talk. I think we need to make some new arrangements.”

She nodded and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “K.”

I stood back up and faced Camden. Narrowing my eyes I gritted through my teeth, “How long had she been here?”

He tilted his head to the side as though he were confused by my confrontational tone. “It’s been maybe fifteen minutes. She knocked on the door, I let her in, and tried to get her settled before I was going to give you a call.”

My fingers flexed then dug into my palms. “Don’t you think that’s the first thing you should have done? Call me crazy, but we’ve all been driving around trying to find her, and you could have put me out of my misery fifteen minutes ago?”

“Keegan I think you need to settle down and take a breather. She’s fine, she’s safe, everything’s okay.”

“No Camden! Everything is
not
okay!” I screamed. Tears were pouring out of my eyes at a steady pace, and I wanted to wring his neck. “Don’t you get it? Everyone has been out looking for her; me, Macie, Dodger…the
police
! You should have called me.”

He narrowed his eyes, and his stance became rigid. “You’re upset, and if you want to take it out on me, then fine. But I did what I thought was best, so I suggest you calm down and not get even more worked up.”

I saw Sarah look up at me out of the corner of my eye. If she wasn’t here, I would be digging through the kitchen drawers for a murder weapon right about now. Instead, I resolved myself. Turning toward the stairs, I started to make my way up to my room. In my closet I pulled out a duffle bag and began throwing all of my clothes in, not caring if they were folded neatly.

“What are you doing?” Camden asked from the doorway.

“Leaving.”

He felt him come into my room and approach me from behind. “Why?” He sounded confused.

“Because I need out, I need to step away to get a break from everything.” I went back to my closet and collected more things.

His arm shot out, and he grabbed my wrist. “Would you stop for a minute and
talk
to me?”

I faced him. “What do you want to talk about, huh? Do you want talk about the fact that you didn’t think of me
again
when there was something that was obviously important? Or how about that you conveniently didn’t tell me about Bree when knowing that you had a sister is a pretty big fucking deal. Or maybe even that I told you that I loved you for the first time and you had nothing to say about it.” My chest heaved as air rushed out of me, and I broke out into a full on sob.

He tried to bring me into him, but I yanked my arm away. It pissed him off. “So you’re just running away. You’re not even going to give me the chance to talk to you, is that it?”

“You’ve had plenty of chances to tell me the shit that you’ve kept from me. Clearly I’m not a vital person in your life. You place your value in other things, and I’m too far down on your list of ‘what Camden gives a shit about’ for you to care.”

He moved fast. Ripping the clothes out of my hands and throwing them against the wall, he clasped the back of my neck and made me look him in the eyes. I’d never seen him so angry in all the time that I’d known him. There was no mistaking the intensity of his words when he spoke. “You ever say anything like that to me again, I can promise you this is done. You’ve never been low on my priority list, and if you ever were, believe me you’d know it. I do things in my own way. You needed to take some time to process how you felt about me. That was fine, I was giving you that time. But in no way was that a reflection on
my
feelings. Was I wrong for not telling you about Breslin? Hell yes I was wrong, and I regret it. Should I have called you when Sarah came knocking on the door tonight? Yeah, probably. But everything I do Keegan, I do it in my own way. It’s not because I’m trying to be mean, or facetious, or blatantly hurtful. I’m about done with you lashing out at me because you’re pissed off. If you haven’t noticed I’m not a very tolerant man. It fucking ends now. So you either get on board and deal with how I am, and I will try to make a concerted effort to be more open with the shit that comes my way, or you walk away. I won’t stand here and let you accuse me of not caring, when I actually care more than you could imagine.”

His fingers were digging into my hair, and I was panting so hard that my lips were dry. I felt so bewildered by his words that I wasn’t even sure how to respond to him. Instead I stayed silent going over every word, processing each one so that it made sense. Apparently it was the wrong thing to do, because Camden abruptly let go of me and took a step back. His eyes bounced back and forth between mine. The one emotion that was so easy to read from him was pain. Somehow in my silence I’d crushed him and now he was the one pulling away. My heart lurched and I wanted nothing more than to say, ‘wait, I love you. Let’s not do this, can we just start over?’ But I didn’t. My feet were plastered in place as I watched him close his eyes and take a deep breath. When he opened them again, he shook his head at me and walked out. Without a care that Sarah was downstairs or that Macie might still be in the car, I flung myself onto my bed and curled into the fetal position and cried.