Beneath (Heven and Hell #3.5) (10 page)

The air around us seemed to change slightly as he shifted from beast to man. I averted my gaze, not wanting to catch an eyeful of parts I’d rather not see.

“Gemma?” Sam said, his voice sounding like he hadn’t used it in a while.

“It’s the middle of the night, Sam. What are you doing out here? Is something wrong? Was the farm attacked?” I was instantly alert, looking for something or someone he could be chasing away from the ones he loved.

“No, the farm is safe,” he replied.

My eyes sought him out, forgetting that I wasn’t supposed to be looking at him, because of what I heard in his voice. He seemed a little confused and slightly embarrassed.

I wondered if the embarrassment was because he was naked.

He cleared his throat but made no move to cover himself so I guessed maybe it wasn’t that. “Sam, what’s going on?” I kept my eyes on his face, watching for some kind of play of emotion in his features.

He sighed. “I’ve been shifting lately… unexpectedly.”

“At night?”

“Mostly.” He hedged and I knew it had happened in daylight too, but I didn’t press.

“Can’t you shift back?”

He nodded. “I can… but then I’m really edgy and I feel… caged.” He looked down at the ground and I looked at a tree above his head. “So when it happens, I go with it… I run until I feel like I can take being in my skin again.”

Something in his voice squeezed my heart. It was the sound of loss. Of heartache. I recognized the sound even after all these years. “Heven doesn’t know, does she?” I asked quietly.

He shoved a hand through his hair. “No. I don’t want her to worry. She’s been through enough. This isn’t anything anyway, just me dealing…” His voice trailed away.

“Dealing with Logan?” I asked softly.

He nodded, his eyes dropping to the ground again.

“Maybe talking about it with Heven would help.” I suggested.

He made a soft sound like a snort. “We do talk about it. Every day. We visit Logan every day. Talking about it doesn’t seem to help.”

“I meant, talk about the shifting.” It sounded to me like all this talk about Logan was like a black cloud hanging over them both. Remembering the dead is a good thing, but not when it holds back the living from actually living.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.” He agreed, but he didn’t sound convinced.

“I’ve been to heaven, you know,” I told him gently. Allowing the bright memory of my former home to wash over me. I felt my lips curve into a smile.

“Before you fell?” Sam said, his voice losing the confusion and gaining some interest.

“Yes, before I fell. Heaven was my home. I was created there.”

“Does that mean you don’t have parents?”

“God is my Father.”

“And your mother?”

“You don’t need a mother when you’re created directly by God.”

He was silent a moment. “How old are you anyway?”

I laughed. “Don’t you know it’s impolite to ask a lady her age?”

He grinned. “You’re a lot of things, but you are no lady.”

“Says the man standing here naked.” I grinned.

His eyes widened like he just realized he might be feeling a draft. To his credit, he didn’t jump to hide himself.

“Well, this is awkward,” he said.

I laughed again. “Relax, I’m not looking. Besides, in heaven a lot of the angels wore no clothes.”

“Really?” he asked. I nodded. “Well, I ain’t no angel.”

“And I’m not telling you my age.”

He snorted. “You’re probably so old you lost count.”

He was right, but I wasn’t about to admit it.

“You know, I brought up heaven for a reason,” I said, changing the subject. He didn’t say anything so I continued. “I’ve been there, Sam. Your brother is at peace. He’s happy. I promise you that.”

He stared off to the side with a slight tick in his jaw as the breath in his chest hitched.

“I couldn’t even describe it to you if I tried. It’s bright, it’s warm, and everyone is blissfully happy. There isn’t a single shred of discontentment. He’s probably looking down on you right now, wanting nothing but for you to move on.”

“I won’t forget him,” he said, his voice hard.

“I don’t think you should forget him. You couldn’t if you tried. But I think you should move on. Let him live on through you and let him see that you’re happy.”

He nodded but said nothing more. I decided that I’d said enough and hoped he’d actually heard some of it.

“I should probably get back,” he finally said. “I don’t like leaving them alone like this. Especially at night.”

I nodded. The responsibility that he carried on his shoulders was amazing to me. “You know Heven can take care of herself.” I pointed out.

He smiled. “I know, but I want to be there.”

I lifted my hand in a wave, but before he turned away, he frowned. “What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?”

“I spend a lot of my nights here.”

I could almost see the dots connecting in his brain when he looked up. “You don’t have anywhere to live,” he said, flat.

“I
choose
not to live anywhere, but everywhere.”

He rolled his eyes. “You sound like Airis,”

“Hey…” I growled partly offended.

“Do you need money, Gemma?” he asked pointblank, a quality in him I actually admired. “I didn’t even think to ask you how you lived. I can help you.”

I held up my hand, stopping his words. There was a lump forming in my throat and the backs of my eyes felt damp. Here was a man who worked two jobs, went to school, took care of everyone around him, and was grieving so deeply that it brought him into the woods in the middle of the night. You would think that a man like this would have nothing left to give… yet he was offering more. I suddenly knew why I couldn’t leave here. It wasn’t just Cole that tied me here, but all of them. Without my realizing, they’d become my family.

“Money isn’t an issue,” I told him. “Being older than dirt has its benefits.”

His shoulders relaxed. “Then why don’t you have a place to live?”

“I’ve never been in one place this long.”

He nodded like he understood. “My place is sitting there empty. I’m still paying rent because of the lease. It isn’t much, but it’s warmer than the woods.”

“You’re offering your home to me?”

He shrugged. “My home is with Heven.”

I nodded slowly. He was right. It was better than the woods. “Okay, thanks. I’ll take over the rent.”

He shook his head adamantly. “No. My lease.
My rent. You’ve done more than enough for us. This is my way of thanking you.”

I dipped my head. Rejecting his offer would be insulting. “Thank you.”

“There’s a key taped to the roof of the building. Something tells me it won’t be a problem for you to get it.”

I laughed. “I think I can manage.”

“Thanks, Gemma. What you said before, about heaven… It helps.”

I nodded.

“And, um, I’m sorry about the view.” He grinned and then he was shifting, shedding his skin for a coat of black fur, and shooting off into the trees, the darkness all but eating him up.

I stood there for a while, just listening to nothing and replaying our conversation in my mind. Something in my pocket vibrated. I pulled out my phone for the second time and looked at the screen. New voicemail.

It was from Cole, from earlier, but it was just now coming through. I hit the buttons and brought the phone to my ear. The sound of his voice made my heart beat a little faster.

“We need to talk, Gems. Call me.” It was all he said before cutting the connection.

My finger hovered over the delete button, knowing I should just erase the message and pretend I never got it.

I couldn’t do that.

I couldn’t call him back, either. Talking wouldn’t change things. Talking only made things harder.

I shoved the phone back into my pocket, all the while telling myself it was for the best.

* * *

Sam’s place was pretty nice for a guy. It was small and dated, but it was clean, and I wondered if that had more to do with Heven than Sam. The bed was made, the floors were clean, and the fridge was empty except for a few bottles of water. I stood in the center of the silent, darkened room and decided that maybe staying here wouldn’t be so bad. At least it was warm and private. I dropped the small bag I’d retrieved from the tree I liked to sleep in onto the sofa and unzipped it. I rifled through the contents of everything I owned and pulled out a long, navy, scoop-neck T-shirt and clean panties. Then I took a long, hot shower, appreciating the fact that this bathroom had good soap and shampoo (likely courtesy of Heven too) and it wasn’t a public place (like a gym) so no one else would be entering the room.

When I finished showering, I dressed in the T-shirt and quickly braided my damp hair in a single braid that hung down my back. I glanced over at the bed, knowing a few hours of sleep would be a good idea, but found myself wandering over to the chair where I’d hung my coat. I reached into the inside pocket and pulled out my phone, hitting a button and lighting up the screen. There were no missed calls.

I carried the phone over to the bed, pulling down the blankets and slipping in. I lay on my side, pulling my knees slightly up toward my chest and pillowing my head on one of my arms. A few taps on the screen of the phone and I had Cole’s voicemail pulled up. I sat there for a few minutes just staring at his name before playing the message I’d already heard.

His voice filled the tiny apartment. It was slightly tense and slightly angry, but I enjoyed hearing it all the same. It was over in seconds and I laid the phone next to me and watched it until the screen went dark and his name was out of sight. I closed my eyes and sighed. That old saying “out of sight, out of mind” wasn’t true because Cole was still very much on my mind.

I didn’t sleep long, waking in the room with only a hint of light from the window by the front door. I didn’t require much sleep and knew there was no use staying in bed, so I got up and stretched. When I bent down toward my toes, I almost expected my wings to fold around me and the softness of the feathers to tickle my skin. It caught me off guard, and a feeling of longing swept over me, but I quickly brushed it away. Even after all this time, I would occasionally forget—just for a second—that I had fallen and my beautiful wings were gone.