Bent But Not Broken (22 page)

'It's nicer than the ward,' she commented. 'Now I know why you don't let families see where you keep us locked up,' she said sarcastically.

'We don't allow relatives in the ward because it must be a place of safety,' I replied. 'For some patients, the families
are
the problem. So the ward is like a sanctuary to which they do not get access,' I elaborated.

I could see that this was a new way of viewing our little world for Abigail. I know that she has always thought of the ward as a prison.

'How about we sit here for a while?' I asked.

I watched as Abigail wandered through the room, sliding her fingers along the backs of the armchairs as if to absorb their secrets by touch. Then she looked me straight in the eye, and stepped through the French doors. She wandered about the settings outside while I watched from the doorway.

'It's too cold to be out there,' she said, as she returned to the family room.

'Thank God for small mercies!' I said. 'I was afraid of freezing to death!' I said with genuine relief.

Abigail circled through the room, and finally poured herself into a deep club armchair facing the window.

'Good choice,' I thought. I sat in the matching chair, with a coffee table between us. For a few minutes we shared the simple pleasure of looking at the gardens.

'Okay, you're up to something,' she said. 'What gives?' she demanded.

'Would you like to meet your mother here?' I asked.

This did surprise her. She bolted upright in her chair, radiating tension.

'It has to happen sometime, Abigail,' I said softly.

'I don't know,' she whispered.

'I know it's a scary thing. I can help you if you want.'

'What if she still hates me?' she answered anxiously.

'What if she wants her daughter back?' I countered.

Abigail thought about this. I could see the pain and uncertainty in her face.

'Remember the two chairs?' I prompted. 'You thought your mother was sorry for not believing you,' I reminded her. 'Have you thought that your mother might be frightened that you will not forgive her?' I asked.

This was clearly a new perspective for Abigail to consider. And consider it she did. She stared out at the gardens, her face mirroring her internal debate.

'I hadn't thought of it like that,' she eventually said.

'Your mother is human, Abigail. She made a mistake. That mistake nearly cost your life,' I stated. 'Can you think of anything worse for a parent to know?' I asked.

I could see that Abigail was trying to imagine this. But of course it was impossible for her to understand the absolute terror that her mother must have felt.

'You said you could help me,' she asked quietly. 'Help me how?

'If you want, I can be with you when you first meet with your mother,' I offered.

'Would it be in this room?' Abigail asked.

'Yes.'

Abigail thought again for a few minutes. She was struggling with something, but I did not know what. Meeting her mother after such a long break? Worried that her mother would still be angry? Scared that her mother would not believe her? Or perhaps, worried about how much her mother actually knew? I had no option but to wait to see what was on Abigail's mind.

After an eternity, the small and frightened Abigail re-emerged. 'I am scared,' she whispered.

'That is understandable, Abigail,' I responded. 'Can you tell me what you are scared about?' I asked.

She broke into tears. Through her sobs came one word: 'Everything!'

'Are you worried about what your mother knows?' I persisted through her tears.

'What does she know?' she sobbed. 'What have you told her?'

'Everything that has been said between us is confidential, Abigail. I have not told her anything that you have said to me either in our individual sessions, or in group,' I added.

'So she doesn't know about George? About how it all happened?' she asked in her small and scared voice.

'Not the details, no,' I answered.

'How can I face her?' she sobbed. 'I ruined her life!'

'No, George did that!' I said with emphasis. 'But I do know that she has thrown him out,' I added.

With this, Abigail raised her tear-stained face to me.

'She did that while you were in hospital,' I told her.

'I don't want Crystal here!' she stated. 'I don't want her to know!' she said, pain drenching every word.

'Let's start with just you and your mother,' I suggested. 'Do you want me to be here with you?' I asked.

'What if she asks you questions? Would you have to answer them?' she asked, clearly worried.

'No. You are my patient. My responsibility is to you, Abigail,' I stated simply.

I could see the conflict playing itself out across her face. The school counsellor had probably made a similar promise. Would Abigail believe my words, or her direct experience? I waited and watched. To give her more space I turned my chair a little, so that it was facing directly out to the gardens. I heard her move around in her chair, so that she was facing me.

'I can't tell her. I just can't,' said so softly.

'Do you want me to tell her?' I asked, as I too turned in my chair so that we were face to face. 'All of it?'

She looked so young and fragile. She was deeply afraid.

'Yes,' was her simple answer.

'Okay. I will ask your mother to meet me here as soon as she can. Are you sure?' Everything?' I sought clarification.

'Yes. I want you to tell her everything,' she said softly. 'I know I am a coward. But I don't think I can do it,' she added.

'You most certainly not a coward, Abigail!' I said with absolute conviction.

With that, she almost smiled. We spent the rest of the session in companionable silence, enjoying the simple pleasure of looking at the gardens.

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

I told Suzy about being jealous. I felt stupid and petty and embarrassed. I'm sixteen! Not a little kid. I shouldn't behave like a spoilt brat. I hoped our friendship was strong enough for Suzy to be able to forgive me. When I told her, she looked gobsmacked. Then she burst out laughing! Not what I expected at all.

'You idiot!' she said with a big smile on her face. 'Does this make us a couple?' she giggled. She always knows how to cheer me up. Then she grabbed me in a bear hug. Fortunately we were in our room, or they would have rushed to break us up. Rule eight thousand and something: no contact!

'I am spending time with Natalie because I am the only one here who understands,' she explained. 'No-one knows anyone else's reality unless you've been there,' she added.

I suppose she's right. We can imagine what it's like for someone else. But I guess you can never really know for sure.

'I think it's time we had some fun!' she said mischievously. 'Let's go find Rachel. I reckon she'll be up for it!' she laughed.

What Suzy had in mind was a stunner! We lurked around the corner while the orderly unlocked the group room. When his back was turned we raced in.

'You know how it's always a circle?' Suzy asked. We nodded. 'Just for shits and gigs, how about we set the chairs in a line?'

'I've thought it, but would never be brave enough!' I answered with a smile. 'Let's do it!'

'Can't wait to see his face!' Rachel laughed.

As quiet as mice, we moved the chairs so that they were stretched straight across the room. We put one chair dead centre, facing the line. We settled ourselves in the middle, and tried to look like everything was normal as the girls straggled in. Their looks of astonishment were quickly replaced by grins as they took seats either side of us. We felt so naughty! We all sat up straight and tried not to giggle as we waited expectantly for Doctor Harry to make his entrance. And it was so worth the wait!

He was fiddling with his recorder as he took several steps into the room. When he looked up he was so surprised! He just looked at us, all lined up like little dolls, and couldn't speak! It was beautiful. The shock on his face was priceless! We couldn't keep it up. We started giggling, and soon we were all laughing like maniacs. Kudos to him, though. He took the seat clearly set for him without a word. Then he burst into laughter too!

'Well done, ladies,' he said when we had quietened down, looking straight at the three of us. 'Just this once,' he added. But he wasn't cross. I think he enjoyed it as much as we did.

'And I have to say, I feel very exposed out front like this!' he laughed.

It was good to have a bit of fun. It was good to know that Rachel could be naughty in good way. But most of all, it was good to know that Suzy was still my friend.

Love,

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 50: 17/06/2014

Abigil was like a cat on a hot tin roof today. She could not settle. She was pacing around, clearly agitated.

'I met your mother last night, Abigail,' I said. She stopped as though she had been instantly turned to stone. She did not look at me.

'Do you want to know how this meeting went?' I prompted. Still she did not move. It was more than fear. It was sheer terror.

'Your mother cried a lot,' I said. 'She is so filled with remorse. She blames herself. She is really scared that you will not be able to forgive her,' I elaborated.

With this Abigail burst into tears. She fell into a chair and sobbed and sobbed. I gave her the tissues, and waited it out. Finally her tears slowed to hiccups and gulps.

'She wants you back, Abigail.'

This brought on a fresh bout of crying. Again I could do nothing but wait. Eventually she turned her tear-stained face to me.

'Did you tell her everything?' she asked in a small, frightened voice.

'Yes. Everything,' I said simply.

'And she still wants me back?' asked with hope.

'Absolutely!'

'Does Crystal know?' she asked anxiously.

'Your mother said that she had to tell Crystal why she threw George out. She did this while you were in hospital. As to whether she has told Crystal how George used your love for your sister to bludgeon you into submission, I do not know,' I added.

'I'm scared to face them,' she said fearfully.

'How about you meet your mother here? Just her. We can bring Crystal in later, if that is how you want to manage it,' I said.

'Will you be with me?' she asked.

'It is always up to you, Abigail. I work for you,' I reiterated.

There was a long silence while Abigail tried to come to a decision. Uncertainty and anxiety radiated off her in waves. Finally she spoke. 'Yes. I want you there,' she said.

'Okay, I will be beside you,' I said simply. This was no time for ambiguity or misinterpretation. Abigail had to be absolutely certain that I would not let her down. 'When do you want to meet with your mother?' I asked.

'Dunno,' said in the same scared voice.

'Now that you have made this decision, do you want to wait – or do you want to act on it quickly?' I prompted.

'She really does want me back? You're not lying to make me feel better?' she asked. Shades of the feisty Abigail. It was good to see her re-emerge.

'That is what she told me, Abigail. I believe her,' I answered simply.

'Then soon. As soon as you can organise it,' she said in a firm voice.

'How about tomorrow?' I asked.

'Okay. Tomorrow. So long as you are there too,' she added.

'I will be beside you every step of this new journey, Abigail. Until you tell me to go away,' I added.

'Will you go away now?' she laughed. It was so good to see the spirited Abigail taking charge again.

I know that this is the first but crucial step Abigail must make to return to a full life. It is so much to her credit that even though she is afraid, she is prepared to take such a risk. Given support, the resilience of teenagers is remarkable.

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

Tomorrow I am going to meet with Mum. You and I have been talking through our letters. I haven't spoken to Mum since my birthday. I am terrified. Doctor Harry says she wants me back. But what if it goes like last time?

I keep worrying that Doctor Harry has got it wrong. Or maybe he's lying to trick me into the meeting. He is a shrink, after all. They mess with people's heads for a living.

Then I started to think about the girls who have left. What if he is just trying to get me out of the ward, to make space for a new girl?

I am so frightened I can't think straight. I can't even keep a thought in my head. I've done a lot of crying today. I haven't been able to eat. I haven't been able to do anything except worry.

Suzy says I just have to take the risk. That I can't get better without facing you and Mum. That's easy for her to say! She's had family visits on some weekends. She's had the chance to get back to having a relationship with her parents.

Suzy and Rachel have stuck to me like glue all day. They know I'm stressing. I know what they are doing, and appreciate it.

This is a new fear. I lived through George. What terrifies me is that I will have to live the rest of my life without Mum. And if Mum is out of my life, so are you. I am shitting bricks!

Love,

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 51: 18/06/2014

Abigail led us into the family room, and took some time to choose a setting. Finally she opted for a set of four armchairs close to the French windows. She sat facing the garden.

'Are you ready, Abigail?' I asked quietly.

A huge sigh. Letting go of fear? Resignation? I was not sure.

'No, but I am here,' she said. It seemed to me that she was trying to steel herself for an ordeal that she was forcing herself to undergo.

'Remember the two chairs?' I prompted. 'Do you remember what you discovered?' I asked.

'Which bit?' she asked, nerves making her voice a higher pitch.

'That you thought your mother was sorry,' I reminded her.