Bent But Not Broken (7 page)

'Okay, if that is what you all agree,' he said. I could tell it cost him a lot. Like it was a little bit of control that he was being forced to give up.

'Have you really thought through what the lounge would be like if someone was banging or pinging all day?' he asked the group.

There was a general shifting around in chairs – a sure sign that the girls were getting uneasy. I must admit, I hadn't thought of it like that. So I went to a fallback position.

'What if we get our families to bring in some music that we like?' I asked.

'What you like, Abigail, may not be what everyone else likes,' he replied.

'So maybe we could make up a play list? Then everyone would get a bit of what they like,' I said.

He seemed to think about this for a minute. It was like he was at some sort of crossroad, and wasn't sure which way to go. Finally, after what seemed like hours of everyone holding their breath, he asked the group what they thought of this idea. The response was totally clear. All the girls showed, in their own ways, that they agreed. Doctor Hobbit said what he always says: 'I will think about what you have asked.'

Later I realised that, in a funny sort of way, I had broken down. I had spoken in the group. But I had led the group, and forced a change. The really weird thing for me was that I didn't feel that I was locking horns with Doctor Hobbit. He hadn't done the stuff teachers do to an uppity kid. He listened to what I had to say, and seemed to consider it. I can't figure him out. Let's wait and see. Proof of the pudding, and all that.

Love,

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 26: 14/05/2014

Today saw a breakthrough with Abigail. She not only spoke in the group session, she had clearly set herself up as a leader. It was not important that she, with the support of the other girls, was trying to force a change in relation to the music that is piped through the ward. Frankly, it drives me crazy. I can't understand why the girls have not raised it as an issue before this.

'I was surprised when you spoke up in the group session today, Abigail,' I said.

She glared at me. It's getting boring.

'I am not trying to trap you into anything, Abigail,' I added.

Derisive snort. Variety at last!

'I know that you have listened to what the other girls have said in the group sessions,' I said. 'What's more, I know that you relate to what they are saying,' I expanded.

'Yeah, well it's hard not to,' she replied. 'You make us sit there and listen!'

'Have you thought about why we have group sessions, as well as individual sessions?' I asked.

'Torture? Malice? Power trip?' she spat.

'All of the above!' I laughed. 'Good to know it's working!'

Back to the life-threatening glare.

'Okay, you're not in the mood,' I observed. 'Are you interested in the real reasons?' I asked. Then I waited. And waited some more. Finally she responded.

'If you tell me, then will you shut up?' she demanded.

'Might be difficult, but I will try,' I smiled my response.

'So we can't have any secrets!' she stated.

'Everyone's got secrets, Abigail. It's just that some secrets are toxic. Do you know what I mean by toxic?'

'Duh!' was her only reply.

'We have individual sessions for privacy, Abigail,' I explained.

'Privacy! Here! You really are nuts!' she shouted.

'Some things need to be worked out without other people knowing. That's what I mean by privacy,' I said calmly.

'And here's me thinking about toilet doors!' came the angry reply.

'Have you ever needed to talk something difficult over with your friends?' I prompted.

'Yeah. Heaps,' was all she said. Clearly in minimalist mode today.

'That's what the group session is for,' I explained. 'So that each person, when she is ready, can talk her thoughts out loud.'

With this, Abigail's face showed that she was mulling this new idea over.

'Are we allowed to say what we think in group?' she asked.

'So long as it is not destructive to anyone present,' I replied.

She thought some more. I waited. Obviously Abigail had used today's quota of words.

'Have you ever heard any of the girls making fun of anyone in the group?' I asked. 'Have you ever heard any put downs or any negativity at all?' I expanded.

'I guess not,' came the eventual reply.

'Group has to be a place of safety, in every meaning of the word,' I said.

'Now will you shut up?' she said sarcastically.

I did not answer. She glared at me. I watched her glaring at me. Eventually she got it – I was shutting up. She spent the rest of the session reading.

I am happy that finally Abigail has spoken in group. What has delighted me so much was that she was willing to put a proposition; discuss the possible ramifications, and suggest a compromise position. This supports my impression of Abigail: that she is an intelligent young woman who can work in concert with others to improve everyone's situation.

I see this as a huge advance. I hope that now Abigail will begin to understand that I am not here to make her life a misery, or to try to control her unnecessarily. Her strength has kept her silent. Now perhaps she will understand that this same strength will eventually lead her to emotional health.

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

There's no forgetting that this is a loony bin. I will admit they've done their best with the ward. It smells like a hospital – I suppose that's unavoidable because it is one. Maybe it's the stuff they use to clean the place. Did I tell you there are no doors on the toilets or showers? You have to give up any ideas of privacy in here. It took me a week to have a shit. Try it with the door open, and you'll get an idea of what I'm talking about.

We spend most of the time in the lounge. The nurses' station is a glassed room in one corner. There are those weird round mirrors high up near the ceiling like in a regular hospital. I suppose it's so they can see up the hall to the bedrooms from their station.

The lounge is done out in soft colours with pictures on the walls. Nothing special like real pictures – they're just prints. Like a nice hospital, I guess. The blinds are in soft colours too. I reckon they think if there were bright colours we'd go even madder, or something. I hate it. It's so artificial. Like anyone could be in here. There's no personality. All neutral. One of the things that reminds me of where I am (as if I could forget!) are the blinds. They are controlled from the nurses' station. They are electric and make a kind of robot whirring sound as they are lowered each night. Really odd. Can't we even be trusted with curtains?

Some of the girls do pretty good paintings in the art sessions. I reckon it would be good for their pride if they could have them put up on the walls instead of the god-awful prints. I might say something about this in group.

Suzy and I spend a lot of time jabbering away. We play chess while we talk about stuff. She was in Year 12 before it all went shit-shaped for her. She said she missed being able to study, and reckons she's lost a whole year of school because of all that's happened. I told her about having my sessions with Doctor Hobbit in the library. I know it was breaking a rule because we are not allowed to talk about our individual sessions with the others. But with so many rules in here, I figure you've got to choose the ones that you care about. So I told her about the trade I did to get into the library. I could tell she thought it was a good deal, and one she would readily make.

Now I am a little bit nervous. I really like Suzy and would like to see her happy again. I just hope she keeps me out of it when she asks Doctor Hobbit to have her sessions in the library.

Love,

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 27: 15/05/2014

Abigail maintained her stony silence in our individual session again today. She glared and stared and challenged. A teenager can be so expressive without saying a single word! I decided to let her win this one. She spent the session reading. I kept her company by reading too.

Abigail seems to be forming a friendship with Suzy. This is a positive sign. Abigail has kept herself so tightly buttoned up thus far. She has spoken in the group sessions, and shown herself to be a capable and effective leader. I have seen that she has empathised with the situations described by the other girls. Forming a friendship is an indication that at least at some level she is returning to a more natural emotional state. Peers should be more important to a girl of her age than the adults in her life. That she has chosen Suzy is not a great surprise. They are both intelligent and sensitive young women. I know that Abigail has shared that we have our individual sessions in the library with Suzy. I expect she will make the same request soon.

I am very pleased with this development. I believe that friendship between these girls will be beneficial to them both.

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

A terrible thing happened today. Kayla somehow got her hands on the stuff they use to clean the toilets. No-one knows how. All we saw was her staggering into the hall, her hands around her throat. She couldn't speak. She sort of toppled to the floor and was thrashing about. The nurses went into hyperdrive. I didn't know they had a panic button. A red light was flashing outside the nurses' station. Suddenly there were doctors and nurses scrambling everywhere. I didn't recognise them. I don't know where they came from. They surrounded Kayla on the floor. I could tell they were completely freaked out.

We were all rushed into our rooms. That's never happened before – not during the daytime. I heard Jenny screaming from her room. Then she went quiet. I suppose she got the needle.

When we were let out later we asked the nurses how Kayla was. They wouldn't tell us anything except she was in hospital and would be okay.

I am really angry about this, Crystal. They know what Kayla's like. I suppose that's why she's in here. So they should have taken better care of her. If that's how they care for her, how can I trust them?

Love,

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 28: 16/05/2014

Abigail was absolutely furious in our individual session today. She refused to discuss anything apart from the extremely unfortunate incident with Kayla.

'How could you let this happen?' she angrily demanded.

'You know I can't talk about another patient, Abigail.'

'Yeah, but I sure as hell can!' she spat. 'You know what her problem is! You should have made sure she couldn't get at stuff!' she yelled.

I lowered the volume of my voice, so that Abigail had to concentrate hard to hear what I said.

'Yes, we do know what Kayla's problem is,' I said, very quietly. 'It should not have happened and we are all really upset.'

Abigail was not mollified. 'How can we trust you to look after us when you can let something like this happen?' she shouted.

'I know how you must feel, Abigail,' I responded. 'But there isn't much point shouting at me about it,' I replied softly.

'Well I feel like shouting!' was her response.

'So do I,' I said. 'I am upset too. That's when I want to shout and throw things around,' I said. 'But if I gave in to those urges, as understandable as they are, would you feel better or worse?' I asked.

Abigail stared hard at me. Then she seemed to deflate like a balloon. 'I just don't want her to die,' she whispered.

With that she burst into tears. I gave her the box of tissues and waited the crying spell out. It took quite a time. As I watched her, I wondered if I was witnessing the dam bursting – all the pain; all the tight control, being let go.

She spent the rest of the session sitting quietly. We did not speak further, and she did not make eye contact with me. She walked so slowly going back to the ward it was as though she could not face being there.

As I unlocked the outer door I said, 'I will make you a promise, Abigail. As soon as there is any news about Kayla, I will make sure you hear it immediately.'

With that, she did look at me. I saw hope in her eyes. Perhaps for the first time she saw me as a caring adult, rather than as her enemy?

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

Group today was really heated. All of us let Doctor Hobbit know how we felt about Kayla. He said she would be okay, that she was recovering in hospital. I told him I didn't think that was good enough. We are here to be looked after and they knew what Kayla was like and hadn't taken proper care of her. I could tell the other girls felt the same way.

'You are each here for different reasons,' he said. 'While I will not talk about a patient with you, I am prepared to listen to how you feel.'

Well, did he cop it! Every girl, even the quiet ones, had a bit to say. We talked about all sorts of things that we thought could be better. They ranged from the food to the rooms.

'Why can't we go into each other's rooms?' Suzy asked.

'That rule is both for your safety and your privacy,' he answered. Lots of snickering for that one. What privacy? That was one of the things that upsets us the most. Like no doors on the toilets or showers. Like the bloody cameras.

'If you watch us all the time, how did Kayla get poisoned?' I demanded.

'It was a terrible accident,' he replied. 'I can assure you it won't happen again.'

I figured the time was right to force some changes. Doctor Hobbit was clearly on the defensive, so in I charged. Yeah, completely out of character!

'Some of us do really good art,' I said. 'You should take down the bloody awful prints and put our paintings on the walls!'

'And how would we make sure that they were safe?' he asked. 'You understand that we could not use thumb tacks or blutack,' he said.