Beside Still Waters (11 page)

Eva groaned. “Oh, Pa. Do we have to read tonight? Can’t we just talk?”

She received a stern glance in response. “You got something against the Bible all of a sudden, Eva?”

“No. But we haven’t just talked together since …” Eva dropped her gaze to her fingers, twisting the covers until her knuckles grew white.

“Eva.” Pa leaned forward and covered her hands with one massive paw. “No amount of talking about the weather, or how the furniture making is going, will help your soul break free from the pain.”

“Oh, Pa. I’m the one who has to live with the memories. Can’t I just try to live with them my own way?”

“By staying in bed? Not bathing? Turning your back on God? Honey, He’s the only One who knows how you feel.”

“All right, Pa.” Eva closed her eyes. “Go ahead and read.”

Pages rattled, then Pa’s baritone voice began to read. “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

Eva felt a strange comfort in the psalm. Peace drifted over her, and the image of a gently flowing stream filled her mind as Pa read. “He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul.” In that place between awake and asleep, Eva was aware of Pa finishing the psalm, then moving carefully to the chair next to her bed.

She drifted to sleep, feeling safe for the first time in days.

Jonesy limped up the steps to the Riley home, determined that this time they weren’t going to keep him from seeing Eva. It had been a full week since he’d gotten home from his useless trip to the outlaw hideout, and he had been forced to sit in bed half of that time due to the knife wound in his leg. Dr. Smith had told him he must have an angel watching over him, because if the knife had hit an inch higher, it would have tapped an artery behind his knee and he would have bled to death in a matter of minutes.

Jonesy had come out yesterday. But Mr. Riley had met him at the door. The day before, Mrs. Riley had met him. Each had the same message from Eva: “Go to Texas and forget about me.”

Today he’d been smart. He’d gone to town and asked Lily to come out with him. Eva would see Lily, and he would wait on the porch, hoping her friend could convince her. If she still didn’t let him in, he’d try something else tomorrow.

“I still don’t think this is going to work, Jonesy,” the pretty, petite blonde said, nervously patting her hair and smoothing her gown. “Even if they let me in, that doesn’t mean Eva’s going to see you.”

“I know.” He knocked on the front door.

Soon Mrs. Riley appeared. She gave him an indulgent smile. “I’ll say one thing for you, Jonesy. You’re persistent.”

“I don’t intend to give up, ma’am.”

She patted his arm. “I hope you never do.”

Her comment raised his hopes. “May I see her?”

“I’m afraid she still refuses.” She turned a pleasant smile to Lily. “She will, however, see you.”

Lily gave him a look of sympathy. “I’ll try to talk to her,” she whispered as she moved around him and hurried through the door.

“You know where her room is, Lily,” Mrs. Riley said. “Just go on back there.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

Jonesy fought the envy rising inside him as he watched Lily disappear from view, while he wasn’t even allowed past the front porch.

“Come on in, Jonesy. My daughter might not want to see you, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy your company while you wait for Lily to come out.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” Jonesy stepped inside. “I appreciate the offer.”

Absolutely not
. She would not see Jonesy no matter how many people he sent to speak for him.

“He’s not going to stop,” Lily said matter-of-factly.

“He will. Eventually.”

Lily shook her head. “Trust me. I’ve never seen a man so determined. Why won’t you see him? It’s becoming ridiculous. Poor Jonesy. At least tell him to his face that you have no intention of marrying him.”

“If I do, do you think he’ll go away and leave me in peace?”

“If he truly believes that you aren’t going to marry him, I think he’ll give up. But he won’t until he hears it from you.”

Eva’s legs trembled under the covers. “What if I write him a letter and you could give it to him?”

Lily’s face screwed up into a scowl. “Don’t be a coward.”

“Coward? You think fear is what’s keeping me from Jonesy?”

Lily’s nod infuriated Eva. She was afraid of a lot of things nowadays, but telling Jonesy to go to Texas without her wasn’t one of them. “All right. I’ll see him.” As soon as she said the words, she regretted them. “Wait.”

But a smiling Lily was already across the room and had the door open.

Eva’s mind whirled. Why had she given in to Lily’s baiting so easily?

The sight of Jonesy filling the doorway made her stomach jump. “I must look awful.”

A smile touched his lips, and he moved forward. “You’re a sight for sore eyes.”

False laughter gurgled in her throat. She dropped her gaze before his look of pity. “Always a romantic—even when you’re telling a lie.”

“I would never lie to you.”

Silence pervaded the room, and suddenly Eva sensed his presence too deeply. She clutched the covers up to her throat.

Jonesy’s eyes flickered over her. “It’s so good to see you, Eva. How are you doing?”

The last thing she wanted to discuss with Jonesy was her ordeal. “I’m fine.”

“Are you in a lot of pain?”

The truth was that only twinges and light bruising remained. But Eva was ashamed to admit it to him and try to explain why she was still in bed, unable to leave her room.

“Not a
lot
of pain anymore.”

Admiration flickered in his eyes, making Eva feel even worse.

“Really, Jonesy, I’m almost all healed.”

“How long before you can get a wedding planned?” The intensity of his gaze thrilled her and terrified her at the same time.

“Jonesy, please try to understand. I’m just not ready to leave my family.”

“Then I’ll wait.”

“That’s not going to do any good. I don’t ever want to move to Texas.” Eva fingered the flowers on her comforter.

“I’d like for you to go away and stop asking me. I’m not going to change my mind. Ever.”

“Yes, you are.” He said it with such finality that Eva almost said yes right then and there. But her common sense prevailed. “There are reasons.” Her face burned, and she knew she must be flushed.

Jonesy remained silent for a long moment, until Eva ventured a glance into his face. His eyes were closed. “Jonesy?”

He opened his eyes and regarded her with sadness. “I don’t know how to say this delicately. But I don’t hold you responsible for what that man did to you.” Stepping forward, he knelt beside the bed. Tears glistened in his eyes. “My love for you reaches so far beyond the physical that nothing matters except sharing my life with you.”

The raw honesty shining from his eyes sifted all embarrassment from the conversation. Eva gave him the candid answer she had held in her heart for the past weeks. “I don’t know if I could ever be a proper wife to you. I could cook and clean. I could keep you company and read poetry with you, but I don’t know that I could ever sleep in your bed and bear your children.”

The blood drained from his face as though he hadn’t even considered that she might not want to share his bed. As though he’d only been thinking of his own reaction to the fact that she’d be coming to him tainted, unclean, impure, used goods.

Anger boiled inside her at his vanity. “I see that does matter to you. You don’t mind that I’ve been used by another man as long as I let you use me, too.” She turned away. “Get out, Jonesy. Go to Texas. Build your ranch and find a woman who wants to be your wife. Once and for all, will you please leave me in peace?”

Bitter pain twisted like a knife inside Eva’s heart as Jonesy stood and left the room. She tightened her jaw and refused to give in to the sobs threatening just below the surface of her restraint. Tears would do no good.

Lily appeared a second later. “What happened? Jonesy looks positively ill.”

Eva gave a short laugh. “I told him the truth. That I won’t share his bed. I think that convinced him I’m not the woman for him.”

A gasp escaped Lily’s throat. “I don’t know what to say.”

Lily’s face turned three shades of pink. Eva shook her head. What did delicacies matter anyway? Did they prepare a girl for the truth about relations between a man and a woman? Humiliation, fear, pain. She’d never give a man that kind of power over her again.

“Jonesy would never hurt you.” Lily’s voice had a troubled hesitance. As though she was trying to convince herself.

“Oh, Lily. You know nothing about it.”

“Billy wants me to marry him.” She said the statement flatly. Eva grimaced. A month ago, they would have squealed and giggled and started to make plans for the big day.

Instead Eva shrugged, her numbed emotions unable to muster even cursory excitement for her childhood friend. “I hope you’ll be very happy. I know Billy has always cared for you.”

“Y–you don’t think I should say yes?”

Eva looked at her evenly. “I would never encourage any woman to put herself through the things a woman must endure to be a wife to any man. Even a good one.”

Lily’s voice trembled, but Eva felt no remorse. She’d simply told the truth. What sort of friend would she be if she allowed Lily to enter into marriage with the same naive beliefs with which every other woman entered the institution?

A soft tap on the door preceded Ma’s entrance. “Lily, Jonesy said he needs to take you home so he can help his pa with chores.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Ma looked from Eva to Lily. Her brow wrinkled. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Mrs. Riley.” Lily turned to Eva. “Good-bye, Eva. I’ll come see you again soon.” But as she left, Eva had the sinking sensation that she wouldn’t be back.

Hope turned her questioning gaze to Eva. “Did you two have a disagreement?”

“No.”

“Then why is Lily as white as a sheet and about to cry?”

“Well, if you must know, Lily told me Billy asked her to marry him.”

Joy spread a wide smile across Ma’s face. “It’s about time that brother of yours got around to marrying that girl. I was afraid she’d find someone else. You don’t look a bit happy. Isn’t this what you’ve always hoped for? Lily and you will truly be sisters now.”

Eva shrugged. “We’re not children anymore. Besides, I know about what happens in a marriage. And now Lily does, too.”

Ma’s eyes widened in horror. “What did you tell her?”

“The truth.”

“Oh, Eva. It’s not that way between a husband and wife who love each other. What happened to you was a violent act of evil. Love is gentle and kind and patient.”

“Ma, please. I’d rather not discuss this.”

Ma moved to the door, a heavy sigh pushing from her lungs. “All right. I’ll leave you alone. But I’m having your pa fix a tub for you later.”

“No! I don’t want to.”

“Eva Star Riley. The whole house is beginning to smell bad. You are going to take a bath, and I’m going to wash your bedding. And that’s final. Furthermore, you will take your meals with the rest of us from now on. And, honey, no more slop jar. You’ll have to begin walking to the outhouse again.”

“How can you treat me this way after what I’ve been through?” Tears of fury burned her eyes. “I cannot endure more mistreatment.”

“Eva Riley, you’re my darling daughter, and my heart aches for what you’ve been through. If I could take away the memories and the pain and fear, I would. But I can’t. We have all tried to help you through the healing. But you must start living again, darling. You can’t stay hidden away in your bedroom for the rest of your life.”

She left the room, closing the door firmly behind her. Eva pounded the bed with her fists. Why couldn’t she stay tucked away, safe in her little cocoon? The thought of venturing beyond her bedroom door filled her with trepidation.

Panic rose. In an instant, she threw the covers over her head and lay shaking beneath the heavy quilts.

Jonesy found himself at a crossroads. If he turned right, the road would lead the wagon home, where his pa waited for him to help with the evening chores. Left would take him back to the Rileys’ home, where Eva would either agree to see him or once more jab a knife into his already bleeding heart.