Best Friend's Brother #4 (Best Friend's Brother Romance Series - Book #4) (2 page)

I watched his face and I could see the subtle change
in it again. To his credit, he still didn’t say anything negative. He just
didn’t say anything at all. I sat there for a while and watched him slathering
things on the bread for his sandwich and I considered telling him how much I
liked Ian.

God, I missed Emma. I never had other friends I
could really talk to. My other friends were about going out and having fun. I
was also a little bit worried that they would judge me over dating Emma’s
brother. Emma wouldn’t have ever judged me. She might verbally kick my ass if
she thought I was involved in something that would hurt me, but she would never
judge. I looked back up at my Dad and realized he was the only person left in
my life that I could really say that about now. He might judge my boyfriends
like crazy, but not me.

“Dad?”

“Yeah, honey?”

“Have you ever had really strong feelings for
someone and it seemed like no matter how hard you tried to make it work with
them, things just seemed to keep getting in the way?”

He looked at me and I could see in his eyes that he
was thinking about my mom. I felt bad for bringing it up. He really loved her.
So much that he was still single after all this time. She had really done a
number on him…on both of us. I was about to tell him I was sorry for bringing
it up when he wiped his hands and came over and sat with me at the table.

“Are we talking about Ian?” he asked. He knew we
were, but he looked like he wanted me to tell him we weren’t.

“Yeah. You know that we’ve spent time together. The
truth is that we’ve spent a lot of time together. It started out with us
helping each other to get past Emma’s death…but it turned into more. I have so
much fun when I’m with him. I feel comfortable and safe…I really care about him
but my feelings for him are so jumbled together with my feelings over Emma’s
death that I’m just not sure how to handle it all.”

“Maybe what you need is some time to sort it all out
without anyone putting any kind of pressure on you.” I could see on his face
that by “anyone” he meant “Ian
”.

“Ian’s not putting pressure on me. He’s been
completely willing to let me take this as fast or as slow as I want to. It’s
just that every little thing that happens between us seems so much more intense
than it probably should in such a new relationship. I find myself questioning
everything and him worrying about how I’ll react to things to the point of not
telling me about them. Do you think that’s because of Emma? Are we both just
hyper-sensitive because of what we went through?”

“Yeah, I think that’s probably got a lot to do with
it. I also think it could be a good excuse for hiding things, so I’m glad to
hear you’re not standing for that.”

“He’s not really hiding things.” I was compelled to
defend him and the look on my dad’s face told me that worried him more than
anything.

“I’m just saying that I think it’s all a good
argument for why you should take some time for yourself. Since Emma died,
you’ve spent a lot of time worrying about Ian’s feelings and maybe not enough
worrying about your own.”

“So what should I do? I mean, I’ve tried the lying
in bed and moping…that didn’t work.”

He smiled sadly and said, “No, I don’t want you to
go back there. I’m not sure I could take that…I was so worried about you. I was
thinking about you going out and doing something fun…but something that’s just
for you. Forget about all of this just for a day. Go to a spa or go shopping or
for a walk in the park. Whatever sounds fun to
you.
Then, while you’re doing it, don’t think about anything else. Just concentrate
on you. After your head is cleared, give this some more thought.”

“I don’t think I could do that, just turn it all
off,” I said.

“You’ll never know if you don’t try. Look at it this
way, the way you’re doing it is not working so why not try something different.
What could it hurt?”

He had a point. If I took a day for myself and tried
not to think about everything and it didn’t work then I haven’t lost
anything…I’ve just gained a day for myself.

“Maybe you’re right, Dad,” I told him.

“I’m always right,” he said with a smile, “That’s
why I get to call myself “Dad.”

“So true, sometimes I forget,” I told him with a
grin. He could be exasperating sometimes, but there were reasons behind why he
was so overprotective when it came to relationships and me. I always knew he
loved me.

“Maybe I’ll go to the mall tomorrow. I could use
some new summer clothes anyway.” He got up and kissed the top of my head. When
he got back over to the counter he said,

“So do you want a sandwich or not?” He was spreading
pickle relish on it now.

“Um…not,” I said with a smile.

CHAPTER
THREE

ALEXA

Waking up is no longer a pleasure and sometimes I
wondered if it ever would be again. There is one, grand fleeting moment when
I’m whole and everything is okay. Then the memories of the past month begin to
seep in…always beginning with the fact that Emma is dead. My lids don’t casually
flutter open any longer. They snap open and look around the room, searching
for…something. My brain becomes almost immediately overwhelmed again as if it
were all new, fresh and raw. I want to linger in the blissful ignorance of
waking up, but since I know I won’t be able to do that, at night I’ve begun to
fight sleep like a toddler…I was so tired, all the time.

After I reminded myself, and not kindly, that my
best friend was dead, I thought about Ian. I missed him already. I wanted to
see him. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to touch him. I knew that was a bad
idea until I had somethings figured out, so then I was really tempted to just
pull the covers over my head and stay where I was. Unfortunately I’d tried that
already and knew that wasn’t the solution either. My brain just wouldn’t shut
down
.
 
I forced
myself up and got into the shower.

I stood underneath the water and breathed in the
steam, urging my mind to fade into that nothingness where everything real
becomes a foggy illusion. I stood there and felt the warmth cascade down and over,
and tried to imagine all of the stress washing down the drain. I stayed
underneath the spray until the room was full of steam and the hot water was
beginning to turn lukewarm before finally turning it off and stepping out. It
hadn’t worked. The stress was still clinging to me. I picked up the towel and
wiped the steam off of the mirror. I looked at my face and thought again about
Emma. I wondered, not for the first time, how a person who was so dearly loved
could disappear from the earth yet life could just go on. We still ate and
showered and dressed and slept…and so many other things, while Emma didn’t do
any of that any longer. I wondered sometimes if the tables had been turned and
I’d been the one to die instead of Emma, if she would have done a better job of
figuring this all out than I seem to be doing.

 
After I was
dressed and had my hair and makeup done, I felt a little better. I went out of
my room and found dad sitting at the dining room table, having his coffee.

“Morning princess. How did you sleep?”

“Good,” I lied, giving him a kiss on the cheek. I
think, to be honest, I slept about an hour in total.

“What about you?” I poured myself some coffee and
sat down with him.

“Not bad,” he said. He was probably lying too. I
don’t think he’s slept through the night in years. It’s where I get my tendency
to obsess over things from. “What’s on your agenda today?”

“I’m going to take my dad’s advice and disappear
with myself for a few hours. I’m all ready for a day with no company, no
deep-thoughts, just me and…hopefully my father’s Visa card?” That reminded me
that maybe I needed to start thinking about looking for a job while I was here.
I’d been so wrapped up in Emma and Ian…I had just selfishly allowed my dad to
pay for everything. I guess at almost twenty years old, I should be past that.
He didn’t care, but I should. As I knew he would, he smiled and took out his
wallet. He handed me his AMEX card. I looked at it and said, “Are you sure? I
could go hog wild with this one.”

He laughed, “I trust you,” he said.

“Thanks, Dad. One of these days, I’ll pay you back.”

“I’m not worried about it,” he said. I believed him,
but since I didn’t have a job yet and I’d taken an entire semester off school,
I hoped he wasn’t holding his breath because it might not be anytime soon. I
finished my coffee, waiting until nine before I left, knowing the mall wouldn’t
be open until then. I wished Dad a good day and took off for my “day for me
”.

I didn’t want to run into anyone I knew today. I
thought that might just defeat the purpose of this whole day with me exercise.
Instead of going to our mall, I drove to the next town over. Their mall was a
lot bigger anyways and I could get lost inside of it for hours if I wanted to.
I took a deep breath as I got out of the car and willed my mind to clear itself
of all the negative thoughts…all thoughts period. I walked in through the
Macy’s entrance and looked around at all of the colorful displays. This just
might work.

I started browsing and something about the smell
from the fragrance counter reminded me of Emma. Emma loved to shop. She loved
the mall. She used to say that the smell of it “empowered” her. She loved the
attention we would get in a store like this and she would touch every dress or
blouse or pair of pants that she liked, just to feel the texture of it. She’d
try on everything, whether or not she needed it, or could afford it. She would
get a free makeover and we never got out without a manicure. Sometimes we’d
spend the entire day and go home without a single purchase…but it was always
fun. Everything with Emma was an adventure.

“Miss, are you okay?”

I looked up and realized I was standing near the
exit door and people had to go around me. My face felt wet and I reached up and
touched my cheeks. There were tears there and people were staring at me. I
wiped them away quickly.

“I’m fine, I said to the concerned-looking sales
lady.

“I’m sorry.”

 
I forced a
smile and moved on. So much for forgetting.

CHAPTER
FOUR

IAN

I woke up thinking about Alexa. That wasn’t a
surprise, since I’d gone to sleep thinking about her as well. I knew before I
even got out of bed that I had to talk to her today. The first thing I did was
reach for my phone. Halfway through dialing her number, I realized that it would
just be better to see her, face-to-face. I got showered and dressed and headed
over to her house. It was just after nine, and it was Saturday, so her dad
would probably be there. I kind of got the feeling he wasn’t crazy about the
idea of her seeing me…but I’ve never been a favorite amongst the “Dads, so I
could handle that. I’d come to terms with the fact that a former delinquent
turned professional fighter was probably not who they’d dreamed their little
princesses would end up with. I can’t say as I blamed them. I doubted I’d think
I was good enough for my own daughter either, if I ever had one.

When I drove up to the house, I didn’t see her car,
but told myself that it was probably in the garage and I couldn’t back out now.
I took a deep breath before parking along the street and getting out of the
car. I wondered as I walked up to the door if she would be happy to see me…or
pissed at me for not leaving her alone and waiting for her to call like she’d
asked. I stood looking at the hanging plants in the entryway and knocked. After
several seconds Alexa’s dad pulled open the door. He didn’t look at all happy
to see me, and from the look on his face I got the feeling maybe Alexa had told
him everything that has happened between us. He was giving me “the look” that
fathers reserved only for men who hurt their daughters. My dad used to have one
just like it that he used on Emma’s boyfriends.

“Hi,” I said, trying to look and sound my
friendliest, or at the very least praying that my voice wouldn’t crack. Never
show fear. “I was wondering if Alexa was here.”

“She’s not here,” he said. He was still giving me the
glare. I tried to think of it the way I do in a fight.
Don’t let it intimidate you. You should smile and just move on from
there. If he throws a punch, you can take it. It’s not going to kill you.

“Okay, I’ll just give her a call later then,
thanks.” I started to step back and he opened the door all the way and said,

“Come in.” It seemed more like a threat than an
invitation, but what was I going to do…run? I went inside and almost gulped as
he slammed the door behind me.

“Sit,” he said.

I went into the living room and did as I was told. I
didn’t see any guns out that he
may
have been
cleaning, so that was good. I smiled again, and tried to look happy about being
here. I wanted Alexa…badly. I wasn’t going to screw it up further by getting on
the wrong side of the only man in her life.

Her dad sat across from me and worked the glare
again for a few minutes before he finally said, “She doesn’t need your drama in
her life right now, Ian. I feel so damned bad for you and your family. Emma was
a great girl and I loved her too. I can’t imagine what you’re all going
through. But…Alexa is my daughter and I love her more than life itself. She’s
going through the same pain that you are and on top of that, you’re heaping
more on her. She’s hurting, and you’re making it worse.”