Best Sex Writing 2009 (13 page)

K. For many women, conversation is the primary way they process thoughts, feelings, ideas, and problems.”

The books in the “Every Man” series argue repeatedly that guys use emotions to get sex, while women use sex to get emotions. But the series takes this generic sentiment—so frequently asserted in mainstream culture as well—and amplifies it in wholly new ways. Arterburn’s contention is that, put in the most rudimentary terms, if a husband can’t do it to his wife every couple of days at least, he will stray—at least in his mind, if not with his body.

So what is the self-respecting evangelical wife supposed to do? This is where the quickie comes into play. It is also where some of the more disturbing aspects of evangelical advice come into the

picture. For a woman has to be taught to cooperate. She must never ever compare her husband unfavorably to another man.The sin of comparison is as bad as the sin of sexual impurity. She should wear sexy lingerie, if he wants her to do so. But she must also give her husband sex whenever and however he wants it. For only in this way will her man be reassured.And a reassured husband is a satisfied husband and a satisfied husband is the key to marital bliss.

A central premise of
Every Man’s Battle
is that men must learn to “bounce” their eyes.That is, they should practice and learn to look away immediately when confronted with a sexy image in the same way one would immediately yank a hand back from a hot stove. In this way, a guy can learn to “starve” his brain of all improper fantasies, memories, and images—anything and everything that is sexually stimulating that does not involve his wife. Stoeker and Ar- terburn recognize that Satan tempts men who will try this—and that the closer a man is to victory, the more Satan will develop ruses and rationalizations. But they express confidence that their step-by-step plan will work.They recommend going “cold turkey.” Targeting masturbation alone won’t work.The key is to target the eyes and mind. And then, in fact, there will be a huge—as they unabashedly say—“sexual payoff”: “With your whole sexual being now focused upon your wife, sex with her will be so transformed that your satisfaction will explode off any known scale.”

With reference to the husband who decides finally to give up the visual stimulations that fuel his sexual fantasies, Arterburn and Stoeker directly advise wives: “Once he tells you he’s going cold turkey, be like a merciful vial of methadone for him. Increase your availability to him sexually, though this may be difficult for you since your husband might have told you some things that repulse you.”

Wives are directly told to have sex with their husbands more often, no matter what it feels like for them. (All in the name of

his sexual purity.) Having introduced their scientific conclusion that all men need to have their sperm released at least once in any seventy-two-hour cycle, Arterburn and Stoeker approvingly quote the testimony of “Ellen”:

In relation to your own husband, understanding the sev- enty-two-hour cycle can help you keep him satisfied. Ellen said:“his purity is extremely important to me, so I try to meet his needs so that he goes out each day with his cup full. During the earlier years, with much energy going into childcare and with my monthly cycle, it was a lot more difficult for me to do that.There weren’t too many ‘ideal times’ when everything was just right. But that’s life, and I did it anyway.”

Voice-over interviews:

So there’s a place for the quickie.While a long-term diet of drive-by sex is unhealthy, it certainly has a place in defusing the power of the seventy-two-hour temptation cycle. Sometimes you just don’t have the time or energy for the full package, but if you care about his purity, you can find just enough energy to get him by.

Evangelical women might be unhappy with their men—or with having sex with their men—but Arterburn and Stoeker argue that it is all for a good and godly cause.Take the case of “Andrea,” again quoted by Arterburn and Stoeker: “Even if I’m tired or don’t feel good, I can appreciate his sexual needs, so I do my part to satisfy him. I have to admit, though, I’ve had times that I felt resentful.” Nonetheless, trooper that she is, Andrea soldiers on.

sexual Problems:

A Common side effect of Combat-related Ptsd

d on V aughan

The Warrior did his time in Iraq without complaint. For nine gru- eling months, he accompanied his buddies on dangerous nighttime raids, dodged IEDs hidden along war-ravaged roads, and engaged in deadly firefights with frightening regularity. He killed enemy fight- ers and watched, helpless and angry, as the enemy, in turn, killed or maimed many of the men he had come to regard as brothers. At night, in the dark, he prayed that he wouldn’t be next.

When his commanding officer told him that he was finally go- ing home, the Warrior was ecstatic. The reunion with his family was so joyous that for two full weeks he barely thought about the horrible things he had seen and done during his tour of duty as a United State Marine.

Then the bright days started to turn gray. About a month af- ter his return, the Warrior developed insomnia and other prob- lems. His mind raced and his thoughts were plagued with the hor-

rible images of combat. Afraid and angry, he started drinking to dull the pain.

On the increasingly rare occasions when he felt like making love, the Warrior’s body refused to cooperate. After a while, he stopped initiating intimacy with his wife because sex no longer brought him pleasure.The war in Iraq hadn’t just taken the Warrior’s peace of mind, it had robbed him of his sexuality as well.

Such stories are more common than you might assume among soldiers and Marines returning from Afghanistan and Iraq. In fact, according to Michael Russell, PhD, a noted clinical psychologist in San Antonio,Texas, who has more than twenty years of experi- ence working with veterans and their families, within a year of returning from combat, one-third of all servicemembers will seek mental health assistance around a cluster of problems that include substance abuse, marital problems, depression, and full-blown post- traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

“Every single one of these is associated with sexual dysfunction,” Dr. Russell notes. “The best study to date, published in the
New England Journal of Medicine
, found PTSD rates of almost 20 percent in Marines and 18 percent in Army soldiers returning from combat deployments.That is a lot of people.And the literature suggests that one-third to one-half of those affected with an anxiety disorder like PTSD are going to have a concomitant sexual problem.”

PTSD-related sexual dysfunction among veterans is nothing new. In fact, the Department of Defense and the Department of Veterans Affairs have been aware of the issue since the Vietnam era.

“I have been with the VA for about twenty years and I’ve been doing this kind of work the whole time,” says William Finger, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Mountain Home VA Medical Center in Mountain Home, Tennessee. “We have been well aware that there are sexual problems [within the veteran population].We

recognize this as a problem, we prioritize it as a treatment issue, and we have treatment programs available.”

Unfortunately, says Dr. Russell, the sexual problems of many veterans often go unaddressed because both the patient and his or her health-care provider are uncomfortable bringing up the issue.

“I have noticed that sex problems sometimes suffer from ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ ” Dr. Russell explains. “Doctors are embarrassed enough that they don’t inquire about it and patients are embar- rassed enough that they don’t volunteer the fact that they are hav- ing a problem.”

In addition, the military tends to foster a culture of machismo and a “tough it out” attitude that encourages servicemembers to hide their problems. “Admission of a sexual problem goes to the core of our perception as virile human beings,” Dr. Russell notes. “Not surprisingly, too many veterans suffer in silence.”

They’re not the only ones, adds Eric Garrison, MAEd, MSc, a Manhattan-based sex counselor who has treated veterans with stress disorders.The issues of PTSD and sexuality also affect Army husbands, long-term partners, and gay, lesbian, and bisexual soldiers and their loved ones as well.

Indeed, it’s important to note that war-related PTSD does not affect only men.Women have played a larger role in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan than in any other conflict, and a good percentage of them are coming home with deep emotional wounds. Much of this psychological turmoil is the result of what they witnessed in theater, but some of it is also caused by conflicts with their fellow servicemembers.

“An important issue to keep in mind is military-related sexual trauma,” observes Linda R. Mona, PhD, a licensed clinical psychol- ogist in Los Angeles who has had experience with the veteran pop- ulation. “Current research suggests that military sexual trauma is

prevalent in both men and women who have served in Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF) and Operation Enduring Freedom (OEF). Women face unique issues including the need to prove themselves to the men, having conflicts with other women, and experiencing a high rate of harassment, unwanted physical advances, and sexual assault. Not all women experiencing military sexual trauma will have PTSD, but some will.”

In addition to PTSD, a variety of other issues can contribute to sexual problems among returning soldiers and Marines. One of the most common is the separation that comes with a lengthy deploy- ment, notes Dr. Finger. These extended periods away from family, friends, and career can be especially difficult for National Guard and Reserve soldiers.

“Quite often, in their absence, their partners have had to step up to fi some of the roles the soldiers were fi before they left,” Dr. Finger explains. “On the veteran’s return, a lot of times those roles have to be renegotiated, which can create stress and result in disagree- ments and arguments, which in turn can have some impact on emo- tional intimacy, closeness, and the sexual relationship as well.That may be especially diffi for new relationships because some of those responsibilities haven’t been clarifi very well before deployment.”

Another potential factor is a lack of communication while a soldier or Marine is in theater. Email and social networking sites such as MySpace have made staying in touch with family and friends easier than ever before, but service personnel often still find themselves out of communication for extended periods of time. This can wreak havoc with the emotions of service personnel and their loved ones back home, and affect sexual relationships upon a servicemember’s return.

“Stress, anxiety, and other mood disorders can affect commu- nication among couples as well as their ability to connect with

each other sexually,” notes Dr. Mona.“Being separated from one’s partner and wondering whether or not you will ever see them again can place a great strain on a relationship. After being exposed to life-threatening trauma, some people may feel withdrawn, de- pressed, or anxious. These symptoms may prevent someone from engaging in social activities that were once pleasurable, interacting with family and friends, or feeling comfortable being sexual with their spouse or partner.”

The meaning of sex may also change for individuals who have endured a life-altering experience, Dr. Mona adds.“Feeling guilty about surviving the war while others are still there is difficult,” she explains.“Sexual relationships may become a lower priority.”

Dr. Russell considers sexuality a barometer of the quality of a marriage.“When providing marital therapy, I always ask about fre- quency of sexual intercourse and satisfaction,” he says. “The usual response, at best, is once or twice a week but many couples say it has been quite a while since their last encounter.”

Veterans who have been traumatized during deployment may react to that stress in one of two ways: they either shut down their sexuality as a way of avoiding intimacy, or they develop a hyper- attachment to their partner. Both can have an adverse effect on a relationship, notes Patti Britton, PhD, a board-certified clinical sex- ologist, sexuality educator, and sex coach in Los Angeles.

“When someone sees friends blown up in front of them, as soldiers and Marines in Iraq and Afghanistan often do, it’s natural to [pull back from relationships] in an attempt to avoid that kind of loss again,” Dr. Britton explains.“This can occur even among those who are married and in a stable relationship because there’s a per- ception of, ‘Oh, I could lose him or her.’ That’s the shutdown.

“On the flip side, someone else may cope by really burrowing into an emotional relationship, an ‘I never want to let her go’ kind

of thing, which can be strangulating in an emotional way. Both ap- proaches can have a detrimental effect on relationships and on the formation of relationships.”

Caregiving also carries certain concerns for both people with physical and psychological impairments and those family members who provide assistance. It is not uncommon for spouses and part- ners to develop a sense of frustration and helplessness as they try to assist their troubled significant other, who may have difficulty getting the care they now need.

“Even though an anxiety-based disorder is experienced by an individual, it can affect his or her entire family life,” notes Dr. Mona. “Couples may have decreased communication patterns if the person experiencing PTSD shuts off verbally. However, some couples may actually strengthen their relationship out of this crisis. If the individ- ual experiencing PTSD allows his/her partner in on this emotional experience, both emotional and physical intimacy can be sustained.” Another issue facing many returning veterans, and one that can have a formidable impact on sexuality, is that of body image, says Sandor Gardos, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and sex thera- pist in San Francisco. Body armor and improved field medicine save a far higher percentage of lives compared to past wars, but survivors often come home missing one or more limbs, or have extensive

scarring, traumatic brain injury, and other aftereffects.

“These issues can result in dramatic changes in self-perception and self-identity,” Dr. Gardos notes. “Coming home not looking and not feeling the same as you did when you left is going to have a tremendous impact on your sense of who you are sexually and how you interact with others.”