Bet Me Something (Something Series Book 3) (33 page)

“No. You
shouldn’t have.” Knowing how terrible he felt, I added, “But I still love you.”

“I love you, too.”
He hugged me tight, then pulled away sighing. “Have you talked with Colby since
he left?”

I shook my head.

He cursed under
his breath. “I thought I was protecting you, not interfering with your
relationship. I can’t stand the thought that I may have ruined—”

I interrupted
him. “This isn’t only on you, Brian. No matter what happens, what it comes down
to is Colby has to get beyond his insecurities over his past, or it’ll never
work. If he loved me enough, he’d be unapologetic about it, no matter what you
thought. Although asking him to be secure when I’m not isn’t exactly fair.”

“There was no
insecurity in the way you defended him earlier.”

“Considering I
remain unable to stand up to Mom or get up the nerve to face my fears over my
future, I have a ways to go with doing it for myself.”

Colby and I were
both relegated to these roles that we no longer wished to be in, wanting to
break out, but not being brave enough to do so.

“Tell me what I can
do.”

“Same thing
you’ve always done. Love me no matter what. Oh, and never, ever side with
something Mom said about me again. ‘Kay?”

***

Although Brian
had offered to see me to the airport, the only person I allowed to accompany me
was Mark. I’d eventually get completely past this with my brother, but right
now I needed some space from what had happened this morning and some unbiased
advice.

“What are you
going to do once you return to Los Angeles?” Mark asked.

“Aside from
trying not to become a stalking ex-girlfriend, I’m not sure, which probably
doesn’t bode well if I’ll have that kind of time on my hands.”

He chuckled
before turning serious. “You may have others fooled with your sarcasm, but I
know you’re hurting, Kenzie.”

I fought the
tears, having one slip down in spite of my best effort. “See what you did?” I
teased. “Self-deprecation and sarcasm are traits much preferable to breaking
down completely.”

“You love him,
so it’s understandable.” He took my hand and squeezed. “Josh flying out to talk
to him may help.”

“Maybe, but what
if it doesn’t?”

 “Then you focus
on yourself. Stay busy and make plans. Go after what you want as boldly as you
confronted Josh and Brian. You were
fearless
today, so start adopting
that approach for yourself.”

Hadn’t Colby
used that same word to describe me on the lacrosse field? Mark was right. I
needed to start standing up for myself as confidently as I had for Colby
earlier today.

“Thank you. By
the way, I didn’t mean to lump you into the whole thing about having a history
you wouldn’t want aired when I was talking to Josh and Brian. After all, we
both know you’re Superman.”

He chuckled
because when I’d met him at seven years old, it’s the first thing I’d told him:
that he looked like Clark Kent. “Believe me when I say I’m no superhero.
Everyone has regrets and things we wish we’d done differently. I’m no
exception.”

***

By the time I
arrived home, I had a plan. The first order of business when I stepped inside
my apartment was to call the man from the record label and find out when the
audition was scheduled for. Next, I drove down to the Home Depot to get boxes
and tape. It was time to start packing.

As I finished up
boxing the contents of my kitchen, as well as other items I wouldn’t need for
the next few days, a text from Colby came in. It got my hopes up immediately.

“We need to
talk. Come outside when you’re ready.”

I peered out
between my blinds and saw him leaning against his car in the parking lot below
my window. It wasn’t a good sign, however that he didn’t want to have this
discussion behind closed doors.

Not only did I
make him wait, I changed into my running gear before heading downstairs. Doing
so served two purposes. One: I figured after this conversation I’d need the
physical exertion, and two: my running shorts were an admitted turn-on for him.
Since I was a girl who unequivocally wanted him to realize what he was giving
up, I wasn’t above using everything in my arsenal.

Watching while
his eyes roamed over me from head to toe, I experienced a moment of empowerment—only
to have it crash down with his first sentence.

“Why the hell
would you go behind my back and talk to my brother about something that
happened three years ago?”

I quirked a
brow. Pent-up frustration boiled up at the fact that, after breaking my heart,
he’d have the nerve to be angry with me right now. “Behind your back implies
that I’d hoped to keep it a secret. If you’d been there, I would’ve said the
same thing in front of you, but you left, and I said my piece.”

“So you guilted
Josh enough that he traveled here in order to apologize to me?”

“I didn’t guilt
anyone. I told the truth and explained what you wouldn’t.”

“What the hell
did you say to them?”

“Why don’t you
start by telling me what they said to you first? Before I came into the room.”

His jaw clenched
with irritation at my deflection. “I don’t need you defending me.”

Exasperation
reached its tipping point. “Did you ever think it wasn’t only about you?”
Because all of a sudden, it dawned on me that it hadn’t been. “You may have
been content to have them think that you took advantage of Brian’s little
sister or that you’re the bad guy here, but I’m definitely not comfortable with
those assumptions. I deserved, and yes, I’m using that dreaded word, for them
to know there was something real between us. That what we had meant something.
Contrary to the belief that my one-time crush blinded me, I’m not some sort of
victim of your charms. This was more than a fling. And if you weren’t going to
explain that to them, then I was.”

He stood there saying
nothing.

“And by the way,
if you think for a second I’m the girl who’s basing all her decisions on you,
then you aren’t giving me enough credit.”

“I wasn’t the
one who said it, Brian was.”

“He was lashing
out, clearly not thinking rationally and you believed him.”

“You deserve
more than I can give you Kenz.”

“You’re right I
do.”

Hurt flashed in
his eyes making me quick to clarify.

“I deserve to
have someone who’ll fight for me.”

“Yeah, well you
saw how great of a job I did with that.”

I shook my head.
“I didn’t mean in Vegas, I mean right now. There you had a knee-jerk reaction to
your kryptonite which isn’t unlike what I’ve done in the past with my mother.
The point I’m making is if you really wanted to be with me, you’d figure out
your shit and find a way.”

“You think this
is easy. I’m trying to do the right thing, despite how I feel.”

“No one asked
you to play the martyr.” It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him he was
scared, but what kind of person would I be to call the kettle black while I was
the damn pot. “I don’t have any regrets about being with you, Colby—even now
with my heart breaking. Because the fact that it hurts this much is a testament
to how good and how real it was at some point. At least it was for me.”

“It was for me
too.” He scrubbed a hand over his face in frustration as if he was having an
internal struggle with what to say next. Looking resigned he settled on, “I’m
sorry, Kenz.”

I wasn’t sure if
he was apologizing for tonight or in general, yet I realized it didn’t matter if
that was all he had to say to me. If he didn’t believe he was worthy of my love,
or trust that he was capable of a long-term relationship, then how would I ever
convince him otherwise? He made no move towards me, and I knew I couldn’t be
the one to do it this time.

“I’m gonna go
before I violate ex-girlfriend etiquette and throw myself at you.” I leaned up
on my tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his cheek, watching his eyes close when I
pulled back. “Take care, Colby.”

Since I couldn’t
stand not to touch him another minute, I put my earbuds in and took off
jogging, tears flowing down my face. The burn in my muscles and twinge in my
ankle were nothing compared to the acute pain in my heart.

By the time I returned
to my apartment, he was long gone, and I’d exhausted myself enough that I fell
into bed without the energy to cry any more tears.

I was more
determined than ever to continue with
Operation Do Me
tomorrow, with the
first order of business to change the unfortunate name of said operation.

One week and two
days post-Colby, and I was still finding it difficult to resist calling him
just to hear his voice. I missed him terribly. But Mark was right; it helped to
remain busy and make plans. I saw it as a challenge for myself. How the hell
could I ever expect for the man I love to deal with his insecurities if I
didn’t meet mine head on?

Smiling at my
brother, who had finished loading the last of my boxes into my newly rented
storage unit, I felt as though I was finally taking charge of my future with
this first step.

“Come on, let’s
return the truck and get lunch. I’m starving,” Brian said, climbing into the
driver’s side of the U-Haul.

Across the table
at the restaurant, I could feel my brother’s eyes on me. He’d been like that
since arriving last night, studying me, waiting for me to bring up the very
subject that I’d avoided anytime I’d talked to him or anyone else over the last
few days.

“Spit it out,
Brian. You’re sitting there watching me as though I’m some sort of lab rat who
may have a mental breakdown at any moment. It’s kind of disconcerting.”

He chuckled,
leaning back in his chair. “I went to see Colby yesterday, before I came over.
We went out for a beer and talked.”

Brian had
insisted on flying in to help me move out of my apartment, and I’d wondered if
he might take the opportunity to speak with Colby. “That’s nice.” I tried to
keep my tone light to avoid revealing how desperate I was for information.

“Come on,
Kenzie, you can act cool and unaffected with everyone else, but please don’t do
it with me.”

I leaned
forward, putting my elbows on the table like an insolent teenager. “Fine. How
did it go?”

“He didn’t want
my apology, but I gave it to him anyhow. Not only for my reaction in Vegas, but
for underestimating him. I think in the end he started to believe me.”

“Good.” I was
happy that my brother had apologized and they were getting along. The last
thing I wanted was a permanent rift between them. It was on the tip of my
tongue to ask if he’d inquired about me, yet I refrained. Barely.

“And since you
won’t ask, I’ll tell you: he looks like shit and asked how you were doing.
Christ, he lit up like a Christmas tree when I told him your audition was
tomorrow. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. But now that I do, I realize
that he’s always gone out of his way to treat you differently than any other
woman. I guess I assumed it was because you were my baby sister, but now I
appreciate it’s because you two had this connection all along.”

Hearing that
statement, realizing all of it was in the past tense, stole my breath for a
moment. Whoever said a broken heart didn’t physically hurt clearly hadn’t been
in love because my chest felt like it had a thousand pound weight on it.

“You didn’t tell
him anything else, did you?” It might sound selfish, but the last thing I
wanted was for Colby to get a fix about what was happening in my life—especially
if he wasn’t participating in it. If I had to go on a strict no-Colby diet,
then he had to do the same with me.

Brian shook his
head. “Nope. If he wants to know more, he can call you. And I hate to bring
this up, but at the very least, you two need to figure out what you’re doing
about the baptism this weekend.”

Right. The
baptism of Josh and Haylee’s baby girl back home in Virginia. Regardless, I was
flying in to deal with my own shit. But I wondered how Colby felt about the
prospect of me being part of his niece’s special day, considering we hadn’t
spoken in over a week.

Of course we’d
made this bed, understanding if it didn’t work out we’d have to deal with the
repercussions of future family and friend events. So now we’d have to figure
out how to lie in it. Great. Now I had an image of lying in bed with Colby.

“Maybe you could
go talk with him?” Brian offered. “It’s pretty clear the man is beyond
miserable.”

I played with
the straw in my water glass. “I can’t be the one that does that this time. And
before you ask, it’s not a pride thing as much as a self-preservation thing. He
knows how I feel about him. Hell, he’s always known and for once, he has to be
the one to step up. I need to feel like I’m worth the effort. Most of all, he
has to figure out how to reconcile his past and leave it there. I can’t do that
for him.”

He nodded,
looking proud of my stance. “I can only hope my apology may have helped. I’m
guessing the big talk with Mom is this week, too?”

“On Thursday.”

“Jesus. Audition
tomorrow, talk with Mom the next day, and seeing Colby this Sunday. Rough week.”

“Yep. I’m
calling it my own personal
Fear Factor
or maybe it could be dubbed
Survivor
.”

“Do you want me
to go with you to talk to Mom?”

“No, but thanks
for offering. I’m honestly less anxious and more resigned to getting it over
with. It won’t go well; but, it’ll be okay when it doesn’t.”

“So if this
audition turns out, what would that mean?”

Now it was time
to tell Brian the newest addition to my plan. “They said it would be weeks
until they make a final decision, so in the meantime I’m traveling to Bali on
that volunteer trip. Mark checked it out, and it’s legitimate.”

Both his brows
lifted in surprise. He seemed to wrestle with his response, measuring his words
carefully. “I feel like my comments in Vegas about you putting off plans for
Colby may have pushed you into this.”

“I prefer to
think that, with or without him, I’d be doing this eventually, although going now
gives me a means to get away from it all, if you know what I mean.”

“I do. When do
you leave, and how long will you be gone?”

 “I’ll leave
Sunday night from Virginia. I’ll start off with three weeks to see if I enjoy
it and can always extend if I want to. It’s given me something to look forward
to.”

“If the audition
doesn’t turn out, will you still return to Los Angeles?”

That was one
thing I knew for certain. California was staying in my life regardless of
anyone else. “Yes. This is home for me here. I wouldn’t be opposed to moving to
San Diego or another city; however, I love Southern California, so I’m
remaining out here. It may have taken four years and the threat of having to
move home to realize it, but this is where I’ve found my voice. My free spirit
can live my life the way I want to and, in the meantime, do it with a healthy
dose of vitamin D all year round.”

“Can’t argue
about the weather. Where will you live?”

“I’m not sure.
I’m staying with friends at their house the next couple of nights, and that
could be an option when I get back.”

His eyes
softened, and he smiled at me. “I’m proud of you.”

“For what? I’ve
yet to accomplish anything, with the exception of moving out of my apartment,
and that was with your help.”

He shook his
head. “Kenzie, you’re all grown up and figuring it out on your terms. You’re
not driven by pressure to have the right job or make enough money. Instead,
you’re working toward the ultimate goal, which is being happy with your life.
That’s all I could ever wish for you. I’ll worry about you in Bali, but I
admire your bravery in doing this on your own. Then again, maybe I could get a
couple weeks off work—”

 “No way. I love
you dearly, but you’re not coming. This trip is about me and finding out what I
want.”

Brian’s brown
eyes twinkled playfully. “And you can’t do that with your big brother tagging
along?”

“Uh, no offense,
but absolutely not.” I laughed for the first time in days.

***

If ever there
was a weak point where I almost broke down to call Colby, it was five minutes
before my audition while I sat in a room with my guitar, waiting for someone to
announce my name. There were three other women waiting with me. My knee bobbed
up and down with nervous energy while I kept repeating a mantra to be fearless.
Considering I was whispering out loud, it was better than my original mantra of
‘do me’. I smiled at the thought, which relaxed me some. However the moment a
woman peeked her head in, calling my name, all calm thoughts went out the window.

The auditorium
where the tryouts were being held was dark with the exception of a light on a
long table down in front of the elevated stage. Four people sat looking
expectantly at me. There was a standing microphone and a spotlight on the stage
and I’d never seen anything more intimidating as I walked nervously to the
center, standing before them.

“Hello,
McKenzie.” The record label executive who had met me at the hospital greeted,
passing out what I assumed was my profile sheet to the three others at the
table.

“Hello, Mr. Willis.”

Three men and
one very severe-looking woman scanned the page.

“What song will
you be performing?”

My song choice
inspiration had come to me on the return flight from Vegas while I’d listened
to the airline’s radio play list. “It’s called “Burning House” by Cam.”

The song’s
haunting lyrics were about a dream where the woman couldn’t save the man she
loved from a burning house, so she lay down beside him. It was the only place
she could be with him because, outside of her dream, love wasn’t enough to keep
them together. Tragic and raw, it had spoken to me.

“Sounds good,
but we’ll want to hear you without the guitar, please.”

I swallowed
hard. Shit, it should’ve dawned on me they wouldn’t allow it since a backup
singer wasn’t going to play an instrument. “Of course.” I set it down and
fought my shaking hands. My guitar was such a crutch for me that the thought of
performing without it was daunting.

“You can begin
whenever you’re ready,” one of them instructed.

I closed my
eyes, and when I finally opened them, concentrated on the dark, empty seats
behind the panel. After starting the song, I let my voice go up to its full
potential with the acapella version once I reached the chorus.

Finally, at the
end, I focused on the people in front of me. I was near tears, feeling
extremely vulnerable given my connection to the powerful words over this last
week, when the sound of a door opening accompanied by a bright light at the
back of the auditorium caught my attention. A man whose silhouette looked about
Colby’s height and build exited the building. Obviously my mind was playing
tricks.

“We’ll be in
touch, Ms. Lane. Thank you.”

“Thank you for
the opportunity,” I replied, picking up my guitar and returning to the waiting
room on shaky legs, leaving the same way I’d come in. Squinting in the morning
light after being in the dark auditorium, I walked out into the parking lot and
glimpsed the back of Colby’s car pulling out.

***

The day after
making it through my audition without freaking out, I boarded the plane to face
yet another challenge. The thought of dealing with my mother when I told her,
adamantly, that I wasn’t moving home was intimidating. Yet I knew there could
be no backing down this time if I was to move forward in my life, doing what I
wanted.

After spotting
Colby at my audition yesterday, I’d been through the gauntlet of emotions.
Clearly, he hadn’t wished to be seen. I’d gone from hoping he’d missed me to
thinking he’d only come to satisfy his guilt over ending things. Or maybe he’d
wanted to be there as the friend he’d always been. I sighed heavily, deciding
that friendship may be the key to dealing positively with the baptism this
weekend.

Worrying that he
might try to avoid me and therefore be tempted to miss his niece’s baptism, I
dialed his number while in the back of the cab on the way from the airport to
my parents’ house, nervous that he’d pick up, then disappointed when he didn’t.
Deciding a message may be better, after all, I cleared my voice, waiting for
the beep.

“Hey, it’s me,
Kenzie. I had my audition yesterday, but I suppose you already knew that.” Shit
I hadn’t meant to bring that up over the phone.

“I, um, wanted
to talk to you before the baptism. I’m hoping you’re okay with me being there,
but if you’re not, then obviously you should be the one to go, as Abigail is
your niece. But I thought maybe we could at least return to being friends, you
know, before the sex.” I winced, not having meant to mention our physical
relationship. Double shit.

“I didn’t mean
to say that. I mean, obviously you remember being friends before that happened,
and I guess that’s the part I miss the most. Not that I don’t miss the sex,
too. Jesus, I’ve now said sex twice—well, three times now—in a message to see
if we can be friends. Um, anyhow, I’m heading home to talk to my mom about not
going to business school, so wish me luck or, at the very least, a good glass
of whiskey after.” Great, now I was rambling. “Uh, I’m here. I’ll talk to you
later I guess.”

The taxi pulled
up in front of my house, and I hung up before I realized I should’ve waited to
see if there was an option to erase and re-record. Then again who was I
kidding? The next version probably would’ve been an even bigger train wreck.
Besides, I had a more pressing issue to deal with at the moment.